Photo Source: Dark Portal by Minnie M
Accidental Hero
of going through the portal.
How did I stop being scared?
I’m afraid to tell you.
But when have I ever withheld secrets from you?
Well sure, that,
but everyone keeps that secret.
Well that too,
not as many people are as forthright
with that information as you think.
Instead of lying,
or making up bogus statistics,
I at least have the honesty and the maturity to say:
“None of your bee’s wax!”
So then, other than that,
and a whole slew of other secrets
that you don’t even know I’m keeping,
which is, of course, why they’re called secrets,
when else have I withheld any secrets from you?
Never mind!
So anyway, ...
I opened a portal to another dimension again,
simply because I like how they look.
And I find the whirring sound somewhat soothing.
After enjoying that sensation for a few moments,
I went to turn off
the trans-dimensional traveling device,
since lately, everyone seems to be so O.C.D.
about conserving resources;
and since the uranium started
making my skin glow-in-the-dark.
As I reached for the off button,
I slipped on a panel from the uranium housing
and fell through the portal.
Toppled to be more precise.
With a loud, resonating shriek,
I landed in a world similar to ours,
minus our modern-day conveniences.
Landing with an echoing thud,
I killed the leader of that dimension.
Wait, that doesn’t sound right!
I saved the mindless minions
under that fascist dictator’s regime.
And sure, if those creatures,
which I gallantly rescued,
existed in our universe,
we’d spray them with Raid and be done with them.
But in their dimension,
in their world,
I was hailed as a conquering hero!
Woefully,
the way they hail heroes in that realm
involves buzzing a lot and biting incessantly,
so I returned home.
Lying in a tub,
soaking in insect-bite ointment,
I savored the fact that I stopped an evil dictator
and freed the citizens of another dimension.
Wow!
I so love being the hero!
But I’m no hero.
I’m just a guy with a homemade trans-dimensional jumper
who tripped through an open portal
and landed on a super villain.
Not much different than Dorothy’s destruction
of the Wicked Witch of the East in “The Wizard or Oz”.
Except that the munchkins didn’t bite her.
Or if they did,
she wasn’t allergic.
So next time,
I’ll watch where I’m walking,
especially around an open portal,
and do my best to find
an alternate dimension that’s hypoallergenic.
Mitch Hedberg:
If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink.
Because it would be solid.
“Here’s a drink, Mitch; it’s ice cold.”
“I guess I could lick it.”
Steven Wright:
I went to a restaurant with a sign that said
they served breakfast at any time.
So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Dean Burkey:
The sommelier said my glass of Pinot Noir needed to breathe.
So I gave it mouth-to-mouth.
Rodney Dangerfield:
My wife made me join a bridge club.
I jump off next Tuesday.
George Carlin:
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot,
but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
No comments:
Post a Comment