The Trouble with Space Aliens and Hotties

Photo Source: Serenity by Yana Ray

The Trouble 
with Space Aliens and Hotties

by
Dean Burkey

I got blasted in my right calf 

by an electron-neutralizing ray. 
Owwww!!! 

Fortunately, the three-headed alien I rescued 
was able to patch me up. 
At least well enough so I wouldn’t have a scar. 

The middle head helped. 
The other two kept bickering the whole time, 
bad-mouthing the Terran.
(Me.) 

So I whispered to the middle head, 
that he (it) might want to consider 
undergoing a head-ectomy or two. 

I don’t know why creatures from other dimensions 
and distant galaxies don’t trust Earthlings. 

So I got patched up, 
but my right calf still hurt. 
Takes several days for the electrons to realign. 
Left me with a slight limp too. 
So I had to tell loved ones and curious interlopers 
that I had a Charley horse. 
Claimed it just hit me 
while I was running around Lake Hollingsworth. 

Other times, 
saving the universe takes longer than I anticipated, 
so I don’t get much of a chance to sleep. 
So the next day, 
I tell loved ones and nosy busybodies 
how I had difficulty sleeping the night before. 

So I guess the hardest part 
about being an intergalactic, time-traveling superhero 
is having to lie to everyone all the time. 
Feels hypocritical of me 
to say I stand for Truth, Justice, 
and Organic Dark Chocolate-Covered Ginger, 
when I have to lie to protect my secret identity. 

But then again, 
protecting my secret identity 
means protecting those I love. 
Also means I won’t get calls 
every time someone can’t find their car keys! 
Or a cat gets stuck up a tree. 
Or there’s a kitchen fire. 
Or a clogged toilet. 

I once had a girl ask me to go back in time
to prevent her from breaking a nail! 
Isn’t that crazy?! 

The resources needed 
to operate a time-displacement device are astronomical. 
Well, of course, I obliged. 
Did I not mention she had blue eyes 
and wore a pink Supergirl shirt? 
How could I say no? 

Silly girl broke her nail five minutes later anyway. 
So back in time I went again. 
She said please. 
And she laughed at all my jokes. 

After the fifth time, 
I told her that maybe her nail was meant to break. 
She laughed. 
And I wasn’t even joking! 

But hey, a free laugh is a free laugh. 
So I didn’t have the heart to tell I wasn’t joking. 
Which meant I had to go back in time 
twenty more times for a silly fingernail. 

At some point, 
space aliens from the seventh planet 
around Aldebaran abducted her. 
So I figured, finally some quiet! 

But not really, 
while abducting the nail-breaker, 
the Aldebaranians busted the muffler 
on my neighbor’s Ford Explorer. 
Bye-bye annoying nail-breaker; 
hello loudness! 

But it’s cool, if I ever miss her, 
I can always go rescue her. 

Or I could just fix Trevor’s muffler. 
And finally enjoy some quiet. 

Until the next noisy, intergalactic, 
time-traveling crisis comes my way.

All the Best,

Dean

Birra Moretti Zero

Uploaded on Jul 26, 2006 by

aandy1971

George Carlin: 
If you try to fail, and succeed, 
which have you done? 

Jerry Seinfeld: 
A recent survey stated 
that the average person’s greatest fear 
is having to give a speech in public. 
Somehow this ranked even higher than death 
which was third on the list. 
So, you’re telling me that at a funeral, 
most people would rather be the guy in the coffin 
than have to stand up and give a eulogy. 

Dean Burkey: 
I told a lie once. 
The only time I  ever told a lie. 
Was just now. 
When I said, 
“I told a lie once.” 

Mitch Hedberg: 
I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid 
is really clean. 
I would imagine a vodka bottle 
is really drunk. 

Steven Wright: 
I was coming back from Canada, 
driving through Customs, 
and the guy asked, 
“Do you have any firearms with you?” 
I said: “What do you need?”

Brian Regan live performance - 2013

Published on Mar 27, 2013 by

303LegacyZoom303

HeavenBent

EvilTwinStore

Does That Make Me a Hero? Or a Villain?

Photo Source: Ball In Various Colours by Sharon Apted

Does That Make Me a Hero? 
Or a Villain?

by
Dean Burkey

I saved all the lives in the solar system 

of another dimension from several millennia ago. 

Am I a hero? 
To the beings of that solar system I certainly am. 
Thousands of years later, they still celebrate Dean Day! 

But to be fair, I only did 
what anyone with a trans-dimensional teleporter 
and time-displacement device would’ve done. 

The photon blaster came in handy too. 
But I “borrowed” that from the alien cyborg assassin 
from the future who tried to thwart my plans to exist. 

Had he not tried to destroy me on a sub-molecular level, 
I never would’ve devised a way to save 
my newfound friends in the Seventh Solar System 
of the Devonian Dimension. 

I used plutonium and a handheld mirror 
to deftly deflect the assassin’s blasts 
and politely asked, 
“Hey! Alien cyborg assassin from the future! 
What’s the deal?” 

He (it) curtly explained that 
he (it) was sent back in time to annihilate me 
for saving the life forces in the Seventh Solar System 
of the Devonian Dimension. 

I said I’d never done that. 

He (it) said I hadn’t done that yet. 
But that I would. 

I emphasized how I would never do that, 
because I had never even heard of 
the Seventh Solar System of the Devonian Dimension. 

He (it) must’ve felt sure he’d (it’d) 
revoke my membership in the Living Beings Club, 
because he (it) continued to tell me everything, 
saying that I probably never heard of them, 
because they became extinct several thousands of years ago. 

So I re-emphasized why it would be silly of me 
to be the one who would save them. 
I then mentioned that my neighbor Rex 
might’ve heard about them, 
because he drinks himself silly on Friday nights 
and spouts about all sorts of strange places. 

The cyborg assassin from the future thanked me 
and blasted Rex out of existence 
on a sub-molecular level 
with his (its) handy-dandy photon laser. 

As the cyborg gazed 
at the evaporating remains of my neighbor, 
I skewered his (its) heart (power source) with a pitchfork. 
And then I used his (its) photon laser to retire him (it) 
from the time-traveling killer-for-hire business for good. 

Noticing the few fleeting ashes that used to be Rex, 
I remembered that the strange places 
of which he chattered when inebriated 
were The Grand Ole Opry and Branson. 
I’ve never been to either of those places. 
So perhaps I inadvertently caused 
the horrific death of my neighbor Rex, 
but I saved all the lives in the solar system 
of another dimension from several millennia ago. 

Besides, Rex never recycled. 
And I know that doesn’t mean he should be blasted 
out of existence on a sub-molecular level. 
But I’ll go back in time and save him next week. 

Or the week thereafter. 
I wouldn’t mind enjoying a quiet weekend or two. 

All the Best,

Dean

Finney's Fine Furniture

Uploaded on Jun 1, 2007 by

Elliander Eldridge

Jerry Seinfeld: 
Sometimes the road less traveled 
is less traveled for a reason. 

George Carlin: 
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Dean Burkey: 
Body piercing’s a strange way to smuggle paperclips. 

Mitch Hedberg: 
I want to ride in a cold air balloon. 
“This isn’t going anywhere!” 

Steven Wright: 
If the pen is mightier than the sword; 
in a duel, I’ll let you have the pen!

Brian Regan Stand up 2011

Published on Mar 22, 2013 by

clutchmc22

HeavenBent

EvilTwinStore

My Favorite Writing Moments

My Favorite Writing Moments

by
Dean Burkey

Writing stories is hard. 
Creating worlds from nothing. 
Like trying to put a thousand-piece puzzle together 
without the picture. 
And with many of the pieces missing. 
And several more pieces added that don’t belong. 

So you sort through the ideas popping into your brain, 
deciding which ones live and which die, 
playing God with the fate and destiny of each idea. 

You assemble what you have and see gaps 
where pieces are still needed, 
so you fashion makeshift pieces, 
fitting them in as best you can. 
Jimmying and pounding as needed. 

After you complete the puzzle? 
You set it aside to work on another; 
and then you come back to the previous one 
to see if everything still fits fine. 
Or if extra pieces are needed; 
or if extra pieces need to be removed. 

At some point, you decide to send it out into the world, 
but in your heart you can always think 
of other things to change. 
But you’ve got to stop rewriting; 
or you’ll never submit your story. 
And worse, 
you’ll never move on to writing other stories. 

But having said all that, 
it’s fun when everything comes together 
as much as possible. 

When writing “Exit Strategies”, 
I decided that since there’s a gun; 
and that it goes off, 
someone should get shot; 
and that changed the rest of the story. 
I felt like the story took over; 
and I was just writing what happened! 
That was a hard enough story to write, 
because I kept getting snippets of ideas 
that I weaved together to make into a coherent story. 
But the gunshot enthralled me. 
Created a keen paralleling of previous scenes. 
And although there’s a gunshot, 
I’d say that’s probably one of the most romantic stories 
I’ve ever written. 
(I was trying to reach a wider audience.)
The end result?
It’s like a guy’s movie 
that could be marketed as a chick flick too.
So it’s either brilliant; 
or shows how little I know about romance. 
Or both. 

I enjoyed writing certain blogs more so than others, 
like the one about the E.T. toy and its sequel, 
the 6-part Inner Earth adventure, 
and the one about how I’d spend the last day on Earth. 
The 8-part Nessie Adventure! 
Those were fun to write. 
I think the E.T. story and its sequel are the two blogs 
that started me writing crazy adventures. 
Like the episode “The Junior Mint” did for “Seinfeld”. 

Working on “Monster Laughs” was a blast!
Each chapter became its own adventure. 
I felt like I was writing epic mini-movies, not chapters, 
especially the Jekyll/Hyde and Mummy chapters. 
And yet, the story moved forward throughout. 
Characters might reappear here and there. 
Running gags galore!

I also enjoyed writing the short stores 
“An Ice Memoir” 
(from “Faith like a Ketchup Seed”, 
“Holy Ketchup Seed Comedy Combo”, 
and “A Fire of Coals and an Ice Memoir”) 
and “Fast Food Follies” 
(from “Seasons without Reason”);
where inanimate objects lead such melodramatic lives. 

I also enjoyed writing my screenplays 
“Sharks on a Plane” and “Foot Loose”, 
where I took crazy, seemingly impossible ideas 
and made them work as emotional stories 
with a sense of humor. 
Those were challenging and fun. 

I also liked how I made the life of Socrates 
into a comedy of sorts, while still being respectful. 
I tried to present him as creatively as he lived his life. 

I had a blast rewriting 
“Heaven-Bent HUMOR: The Dean Adventures”, 
because I made the goal of adding 
at least one new joke to each entry. 
And I think there were 57 entries!
Plus I added a fun, new entry for the ending too.

Fun times.

And I enjoy the story I’m working on now. 

All the Best,

Dean

Please let me know what you want from my comedy blog. 
Jokes? Stories? 
Which blog posts did you enjoy the best? 
I’d love to hear some kind of tactful feedback. 
Thank you.

Short Editorial

Uploaded on Jun 1, 2007 by

Elliander Eldridge

Bill Cosby:
As I have discovered by examining my past, 
I started out as a child. 
Coincidentally, so did my brother. 
My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, 
so to speak. 
She gave me a younger brother named Russell, 
who taught me what was meant by 
“survival of the fittest.”

George Carlin:
One nice thing about egotists: 
They don’t talk about other people. 

Dean Burkey:
He’s so focused and direct. 
If there’s a straight shot to something, 
he’ll weave his way around it. 

Mitch Hedberg:
You know when a company 
wants to use letters in their phone number, 
but often they’ll use too many letters? 
“Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting.” 
Too many letters, man, must I dial them all? 
“Hello? Hold on, man, I’m only on ‘Enjoy.’ 
How did you know I was calling? 
You’re good, I can see why they hired you!” 

Steven Wright:
What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 

Brian Regan - Very Funny Stand Up Comedy Enjoy

Published on May 3, 2013 by

Sam Samson

HeavenBent
EvilTwinStore

Silly Professor

Trivia Question: 
Do you know the name 
of the Professor from "Gilligan's Island"?
(Answer below.)

Please Note: 
I'm no longer an Amazon Associate, 
so don't feel obligated to order from them via my blog. 
Please buy my books though! ;o)
Also, I'm going to post once a week for a while.

Silly Professor

by
Dean Burkey

Photo Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Professor_(Gilligan's_Island)

The Professor on “Gilligan’s Island” 
could always help each week’s guest stars 
get off the island, 
but never his own group. 

Odd how someone so seemingly brilliant 
could make bicycles, huts, 
and even washing machines out of bamboo, 
but not a boat. 

Maybe he was writing a thesis 
on Castaway Syndrome. 

Or he thought 
if he could keep everyone shipwrecked long enough, 
maybe Mary Ann would finally come around. 

Or he just liked her coconut cream pies. 

Or maybe he had the hots for the Skipper or Gilligan. 
After being shipwrecked that long, who knows? 

Maybe he wrecked the boat in the first place! 
Why else would he bring along an encyclopedia 
and a set of test tubes for a three-hour tour? 

Have a Great Week,

Dean

Diet Lard

Uploaded on May 31, 2007 by

Elliander Eldridge

George Carlin:
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns, 
because they taste funny? 

Dean Burkey:
Vegetarian sharks are the reason carrots never go swimming. 

Mitch Hedberg: 
Magicians disappear all the time, 
but as soon as a regular person does it, 
everyone is all scared. 
“Tom’s gone!” 
“Is he a magician?” 
“No.” 
“Then let’s print up some flyers!” 

Jerry Seinfeld: 
The big advantage of a book is it’s very easy to rewind. 
Close it; and you’re right back at the beginning. 

Steven Wright: 
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Brian Regan - Stand Up Comedy - Very Very Funny

Published on May 3, 2013 by

Sam Samson

Triva Answer: 
The actor's name was Russell Johnson. 
The character's name was Roy Hinkley.