Monday, January 20, 2014

Hearty Humor

Please let me know 
if you enjoy Heaven-Bent Humor. 
Thank you.


Source: François Detemmerman
Photo Source:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/5/5c/Traffic_Lights.jpg/640px-Traffic_Lights.jpg

Hearty Humor

I want my heart to be in the right place. 
So I don’t want to wish anyone ill. 
Except maybe the guy who invented speed bumps. 

Me personally. 
I don’t come in like a wrecking ball. 
I’m not a home-wrecker. 
I don’t want to the be the third thumb. 
Or the extra nostril. 
Especially during cold season. 

 The only three-way I like 
involves peanut butter, chocolate, and bananas. 

With computer dating, 
women judge you 
by the size of your motherboard. 

When it comes to relationships, 
what goes over big are honesty 
and all that sensitivity crap. 

 All the Best,

1997 MDA Telethon - Jerry Lewis and Jerry Seinfeld

Uploaded on Aug 18, 2009 by

 Rodney Dangerfield: 
One year they wanted to make me poster boy
... for birth control.

 Jerry Seinfeld: 
I was audited last year. 
I have been through an audit.
Even though I.R.S. kind of sounds like Toys R’ Us, 
they’re not fun people. 
There’s things they could do to liven up the audit. 
I think they should take all your receipts 
and put them in one of those 
big, lucite sweepstakes drums, 
and just crank it around—you know, 
give you a feeling like you might win something. 
Then they can pull ‘em out one by one and go, 
“Oh, I’m sorry. That’s another illegal deduction. 
But we do have some nice lovely parting gifts for you 
... Jail.”

 Dean Burkey: 
Youth is wasted on the young. 
Spandex is wasted on the elderly. 

 Rod Schmidt: 
I brought a mirror to Lovers’ Lane. 
I told everybody I’m Narcissus.

 Steven Wright: 
I love to go shopping. 
I love to freak out salespeople. 
They ask me if they can help me, 
and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?” 
Then they ask me what size I need, 
and I say, “Extra medium.”

Hilarious Clean Comedian Dennis Regan

Published on Nov 10, 2013 by

EvilTwinStore

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Monday, January 13, 2014

We're All Crazy!


We’re All Crazy!

 To one extent or another, 
everyone is psychotic. 

 Nowadays, 
you’d be crazy not to be. 

 If you don’t think you’re crazy, 
then obviously you’re insane. 
Because mentally unbalanced people 
never think they’re wacko. 

 And if you think you’re a total nut-job, 
you’re probably right. 
Who else knows you better than you? 

 So the best way to succeed in today’s world 
is to foster the right kind of psychoses. 

 For instance, 
to succeed in politics, 
be narcissistic and a pathological liar. 

To make a relationship work, 
make sure both parties are compatible kinds of crazy. 

 (Unlike Congress.)

 All the Best,

Click Here to Shop at Amazon!

 Intriguing and Informative With a Big Laugh Seven Minutes In,
But You Need to Watch Everything Beforehand: 

Snap Judgment Performance of the YEAR! Jamie DeWolf 

The Great Grandson of L. Ron Hubbard

Uploaded on Jul 21, 2011 by

Steve Martin "Excuse Me"

Published on Sep 15, 2012 by

 Chris Rock: 
You know the world is going crazy 
when the best rapper is a white guy, 
the best golfer is a black guy, 
the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, 
the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, 
France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, 
Germany doesn’t want to go to war, 
and the three most powerful men in America 
are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. 
Need I say more?

 Rodney Dangerfield: 
My psychiatrist told me I’m going crazy. 
I told him, “If you don’t mind, I’d like a second opinion.” 
He said, “All right. You’re ugly too!”

 Dean Burkey: 
If you keep doing the same thing over and over again, 
while expecting different results, 
you’re not only crazy; 
you’re boring! 

 Mitch Hedberg: 
You know crazy straws? 
They go all over the place? 
These straws are sane. 
They never lost their mind. 
They say, 
“We’re going straight to the mouth. 
That guy who takes a while to get there? 
He’s crazy.” 

 Steven Wright: 
All of the people in my building are insane. 
The guy above me 
designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
The lady across the hall 
tried to rob a department store. 
With a pricing gun. 
She said, 
“Give me all of the money in the vault, 
or I’m marking down everything in the store.”
This is Aaron Weaver; not Martin Lawrence: 

Aaron Weaver

Published on Nov 14, 2013 by

EvilTwinStore

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Monday, January 6, 2014

Deer Dynasty


Photo Source: Deer by X posid

Deer Dynasty

Deer hunting: 
That’s what I call 
surfing the profiles on dating sites. 

 With real deer hunting; 
how can anyone eat Bambi’s mother, 
when peanut butter’s not only tastier, 
but spreads better on a banana? 

 What’s the deal with the Deer Dynasty? 
The hunters wear camouflage. 
But animals find us by smell. 
So all those clothes do is make it harder 
for other hunters to see you, 
so you get shot in the butt. 

 Instead of wearing camouflage, 
deer hunters should wear Eau de Pasture. 
Or a cologne that makes them 
smell like Purina Deer Chow. 

 People get mad at hunters 
for killing Bambi’s mother. 
But Bambi’s mother was just a cartoon. 
When something happens to her; 
they can just redraw her; 
and she’ll be all right.
And lately, 
when it comes to dynasties, 
it’s better to be deered up 
than ducked up.

(No offense intended to anyone on either side of the issue.
No matter what that issue may or may not be.)

All the Best,

Click Here to Shop at Amazon!

Duck Hunt (Stand Up Comedy)

Uploaded on Jul 10, 2009 by

 Tim Allen: 
Sometimes you get the sense that 
the Creator is getting to that point of: 
“Yeah, We might have to reboot.”

 Mitch Hedberg: 
I’ve got a wallet. 
It’s orange. 
In case I wanna buy a deer. 
That doesn’t make any sense at all. 

 Dean Burkey:
Aren’t there any nice clones? 
All we hear about are the evil clones. 
Don’t any clones share their pudding cups? 

 George Carlin: 
How do they get the deer 
to cross at that yellow road sign? 

 Steven Wright: 
It’s a good thing we have gravity, 
or else when birds died they’d just stay right up there. 
Hunters would be all confused. 

Woody Allen - The Moose

Uploaded on Aug 21, 2007 by

EvilTwinStore

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