This Little Tale Rings A Bell

Photo By: Walter Baxter
Photo Source: 
http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:
Lamington_Church_bell_-_geograph.org.uk_-_1304545.jpg

This Little Tale 
Rings A Bell

by
Dean Burkey

The church bell used to awaken the townspeople early every Sunday morning. 

Which was fine for those who wanted to attend the early service. 

But for everyone else, this caused great consternation, since for many, this was their one day to sleep in. 

A riot was about to break out, when the vicar stepped forward and pointed to a severed rope dangling in the church tower. 

Happy to see the removal of the ringing device that used to awaken them so early on Sundays, the townspeople awarded the vicar: The No Bell Peace Prize. 

All The Best,

Dean Burkey

P. S. Was that as much pun for you as it was for me?

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The Big Bang Theory - Best Scenes - Part 1

Uploaded on Nov 30, 2011 by

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The Believe Me Movie Trailer

Phyllis Diller: 
Photos of me don’t do me justice. 
They just look like me.

George Carlin: 
Do infants enjoy infancy 
as much as adults enjoy adultery?



Dean Burkey: 
The early bird gets the worm. 
But the caged bird gets 
birdseed and air conditioning. 

Rod Schmidt: 
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. 
They said, “What for?” 
I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.” 

Steven Wright: 
Many people quit looking for work 
when they find a job. 

 
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The Big Bang Theory - Best Scenes - Part 2

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Full Throttle Fat Loss

The Sweaty Cosmic Aardvark Theory of the Universe

Photo Source: 
Aardvark Head
By: Kelly

The Sweaty Cosmic Aardvark 
Theory of the Universe

by
Dean Burkey

We think we’re all that. And in a way, we are. All that and more. And not just the hotties. All of us. Even the villain who invented speed bumps. 

Or the Brainiac who thought planting trees in the middle of the road would make driving safer. 

But only in our own world. 

Our planet Earth is only one of eight or more electrons twirling around the nucleus of the sun. 

The sun is merely one of several more subatomic particles in the Milky Way Galaxy, which itself is one of many, many molecules and a vast array of atomic particles, to the point where ... 

The entire universe, as we know it, is a mere drop of sweat dripping off the nose of The Cosmic Aardvark! 

Think of all the things that mean so much to us. And yet, they’re all just subatomic particles of a subatomic particle in the perspiration of a mega-humongous ant-eating mammal on a hot summer’s day. 

And sure, we don’t want to think of ourselves as being part of the sweat of anything. Cosmic or not. But that’s still light-years better than Ray Divine’s rendition in “The Wholly Libel” where he traces our origin of life back to a certain space alien by the name of Orca 4.5. 

Conversely, just as we exist as mere mini-microscopic members of an electron, our electrons themselves are planets teeming with life. Whole universes thrive inside our every tear. 

Granted, their girls probably aren’t as pretty. And they couldn’t possibly have the Jerry Springer Show. But each electron has a life of its own. 

Sometimes, when I want to get away for a bit, I shrink down to a subatomic level. Always fun to visit new places. And it’s a great way to save on groceries. 

If only the uranium used to run the shrinking device wasn’t so expensive! 

What’s it like visiting subatomic worlds? I’m not at liberty to say. Sworn to secrecy as stated in dictum five of the Scientific Universal Consortium of Kahuna Shrinkers. 

Sucks. I know. 

But dictum five makes sense, since most of what I know could significantly alter the course of human history. But I will say this: 

When you visit a droplet of water, it’s like visiting Disney World, because all the water molecules look like Mickey Mouse. 

(The oxygen molecule with the two smaller hydrogen molecules attached looks just like a Mickey balloon.) 

Makes me wonder if perhaps Walt Disney visited subatomic worlds as well. 

After all, his theme parks always sing about this being a Small World. 

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

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Jim Gaffigan - Holiday Traditions - Beyond the Pale

Uploaded on Mar 12, 2009 by

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Jerry Seinfeld: 
Can someone please tell me 
what is the deal with B.O.? 
Everything in nature has a function, a purpose, 
except B.O. 
It doesn’t make any sense. 
Do something good
—hard work, exercise
—smell very bad. 
That is the way the human being is designed. 
You move, you stink. 
Why don’t our bodies help us? 
Why can’t sweat smell good? 
Be a different world, wouldn’t it? 
Instead of putting your laundry in the hamper, 
you’d put it in a vase. 
Go down to the drugstore, 
pick up some odorant and perspirant. 
You’d have a dirty, sweaty sock 
hanging from the rearview mirror of your car. 
And then on a really special night, 
maybe a little underwear 
coming out of your breast pocket, 
just to show her that she’s important.

Steven Wright: 
I bought some powdered water, 
but I don’t know what to add to it.

Dean Burkey: 
Might be less gross if, 
instead of saying that’s sweat all over your shirt, 
you just say you spilled something, 
like rainwater, 
or angel tears. 

George Carlin: 
Don’t sweat the petty things.  
And don’t pet the sweaty things! 

Ray Divine: 
Gatorade’s supposed to replace 
what your body sweats. 
But I’ve never oozed yellowish-green liquids like that. 
When did my body start perspiring lemon-lime flavors? 
Your body sweats away what it does for a reason. 
To eliminate impurities. 
So why would anyone want to replace that? 
Isn’t that like making a meal 
out of our own manure?

Kevin James - Sweat the small stuff - 45min Full Length Stand Up

Published on Nov 7, 2013 by

AMAZING TV

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The Matrix and Me

             
Photo Source: Warner Home Video

The Matrix and Me

by
Dean Burkey

I could’ve been Keanu Reeves in The Matrix. 

Yeah, it’s true. 
Morpheus came to me first. 

The only problem was, 
he brought Trinity with him. 

And that was only a problem, 
because Trinity can be very distracting.
If you know what I mean. 

She looked so fine 
in her shiny, black leather outfit, 
that I couldn’t really hear 
what Morpheus was saying. 

But as I gawked at Trinity’s kinky, sexy ways, 
I heard Morpheus offer me a blue pill. 
So I said, “Thank you!” 
And gobbled it down.  Thinking it was something else. 

But instead of lifting my spirits, 
so to speak, 
that little blue pill put me to sleep. 

The last thing I remember 
was hearing Morpheus ask Trinity, 
“Why are all these fools taking the little blue pill? 
All right. 
How many more The Ones are on the list?” 

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

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"The Truth" | Official Kia K900 Morpheus Big Game Commercial 2014

Published on Jan 28, 2014 by

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Bill Cosby: 
Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, 
I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

Richard Pryor: 
Marriage is really tough 
because you have to deal with feelings
... and lawyers. 

Dean Burkey: 
When a guy knock s a girl up, 
her dad knocks him down. 

George Carlin: 
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Jerry Seinfeld: 
I was the best man at the wedding. 
If I'm the best man, 
why is she marrying him?

"Matrix Spoof" Wanda Sykes Justin Timberlake Will Ferrell

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Why There Is No Hello Without the o

Photo Source: 
Cover picture of fire by alejost848 
from http://www.clker.com/clipart-244631.html. 
Used with permission.

Why There Is No Hello 
Without the o

by
Dean Burkey

Intriguing little book with lots to say. Teems with humor more than I’m able to convey here. 

Ray Divine comes across as someone who used to be a Christian, but then changed his mind. Or acquired new information. He’d probably say “became enlightened”. 

While he seems too flippant about such a serious topic as eternal destiny, and quite a bit vengeful against those who tout such beliefs, he makes several valid points negating the possibility of a place where people suffer for eternity. 

As the subtitle of the books says, Ray presents: “How the Concept of Eternal Torment Isn’t Supported by Scripture or Reason”. 

I’ll skip the scriptural reasons; and let you buy the book for those. 

Some of the logical reasons resonate well with me. 

Ray writes: “Since justice is when the punishment fits the crime, how can eternal torture be fair for a lifetime, no matter how long or wicked that life may be? Especially the life of beings who never asked to be created! That doesn’t make God look too good either. And God, if anything, likes to look good. 

“If you’re sentenced forever, there’s no room for rehabilitation or parole, so it’s just vengeance. Merciless vengeance! And that from a Supreme Being whose online dating profile clearly touts love and mercy as being His finest features.” 

Ray also pokes fun at how Christians believe that those who get spared the horrors of Hell will sing God’s praises for eternity: 

“Let’s say you’re an attractive Jewish woman during the Nazi regime. While most everyone you know and love is being tortured and killed, Hitler himself finds you attractive, or he secretly likes the way you butter your bagels, if you know what I mean, so he spares your life. Now are you really going to love Hitler for sparing your life?” 

Mr. Divine also includes the line: “Who wants to believe in a Deity where people can say that Hitler was a lot nicer?” 

Another excellent point that Ray makes: 

“One of the biggest paradoxes of Christianity is if you really believed someone will spend eternity in either Heaven or Hell, why would you have children and risk their spending eternity in torment? 

“With such beliefs, if it’s best not to have children, the species will die off after one generation. So how can such a belief system possibly benefit humanity?” 

Ray Divine makes a lot more points too, from both the Bible and logic, to prove how Hell can’t exist. At least not an eternal Hell. 

“Worst case scenario: We get obliterated. Which, obviously, can ultimately prove to be highly inconvenient. But that’s still better than being tortured forever. Or having to sit in a confined space with a politician. Or a network marketer.” 

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

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Some may find this offensive; others, enlightening:

George Carlin - You Are All Diseased.avi-.avi

Uploaded on Sep 2, 2010 by

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Ray Divine: 
To be “politically correct”, 
we should stop calling it Hell; 
and instead, call it 
“a place that’s eternally 
pleasure-challenged”.

Ray Divine: 
If Jesus saves me from Hell, 
who saves me from His followers?

Ray Divine: 
They say Hell’s hot this time of year, 
but at least it’s a dry heat.”

Ray Divine: 
It’s not the heat in Hell that’s the problem. 
It’s the humidity. 
And the stench of burning brimstone. 

Ray Divine: 
Heaven and Hell both have shopping malls, 
but the sales in Hell aren’t as good. 
Which is ironic, 
because you’d think that every day in Hell, 
they’d have a fire sale. 

Rowan Atkinson:

Rowan Atkinson Live : The devil Toby welcomes you to hell

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Rowan Atkinson Live

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A Dean Reads Book Review: Malcolm Gladwell’s blink and What the Dog Saw

A Dean Reads Book Review: 
Malcolm Gladwell's 
blink 
(The Power of Thinking
Without Thinking)
and 
What the Dog Saw
(and other adventures)

More fascinating and intriguing books! 

As before, Malcolm Gladwell writes with 
an informative, engaging style 
where he blends a variety of facts, studies, 
and events to make his points and observations. 

“blink” 
(The Power of Thinking Without Thinking) 
wasn’t what I expected. 
I thought that after reading this book, 
I’d have such an enhanced way of thinking, 
it’d be like having “Spider Sense”. 
Like Stan Lee’s web-slinging sensation, 
if I sensed danger, 
I’d know to be careful because 
“My Spidey Sense is tingling like a three-alarm fire!” 

Although the book didn’t grant me 
Spider Powers of any kind, 
I still found it to be another fun read. 
Gladwell explains how certain researchers 
can tell within seconds whether 
a married couple will get divorced, 
or a doctor will be sued for malpractice, 
or whether a teacher will be effective. 

Gladwell talks about “Thin-Slicing” 
and how having too much information 
can be problematic.

I should have written this review 
right after I finished reading, 
so I could recall more with greater detail. 
But I wanted to finish “What the Dog Saw” too. 

So, as far as I know, 
I’ve read all of Malcolm Gladwell’s books. 
And I enjoyed each one. 

My recommendation for anyone who wants to 
read Malcolm Gladwell’s books for the first time: 
If his other books don’t offer a topic 
that immediately grabs you, 
start with “What the Dog Saw”. 

This book presents  a collection of several 
of Gladwell’s articles for “The New Yorker”. 

Each chapter stands on its own. 

Plus, he covers such a wide array of topics: 
How Ron Popeil (The Ronco Guy) 
became so successful. 
Why we have so many varieties of mustard, 
but not of ketchup. 
How one man invests to profit 
from infrequent market crashes. 
(He loses money almost every day of the year. 
But when he wins, he wins big!) 
Hair dye and women’s liberation. 
Effective ways to combat homelessness. 
Criminal profiling! 
And much, much more. 

I found the chapter on choking 
(in the sense of 
suddenly playing badly at sports, 
not in the sense of 
“Help!-Help!-I-Need-The-Heimlich-Maneuver!”) 
versus panicking 
and the chapter on late bloomers 
to be particularly fascinating. 

If you want to gain more insights into how life works, 
read the books of Malcolm Gladwell. 

If you just want to laugh and have a good time, 
read mine. 

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

Other Books by Malcolm Gladwell:

You might also enjoy my book reviews of:
Outliers: The Story of Success by Malcolm Gladwell

Malcolm Gladwell's David and Goliath

Malcolm Gladwell’s The Tipping Point

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Malcolm Gladwell - Blink - full show

Uploaded on Nov 6, 2010 by

AllanGregg

George Carlin: 
Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, 
but when you take him in a car, 
he sticks his head out the window? 

Jerry Seinfeld: 
Dogs want to be people. 
That’s what their lives are about. 
They don’t like being a dog. 
They’re with people all the time; 
they want to graduate. 
My dog would sit there all day, 
he would watch me walk by; 
he would think to himself, 
“I could do that! He’s not that good.”

Dean Burkey: 
The defense attorney was so vicious, 
he accused a seeing eye dog of leading the witness. 

Mitch Hedberg: 
A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone. 
The dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. 
I’m going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, 
then the dog will come back and say, 
“Shoot! It worked! 
I must distribute these bones equally 
for I have a green paw!”  

Steven Wright: 
I bought a dog the other day. 
I named him Stay. 
It’s fun to call him. 
“Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” 
He went insane. 
Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. 
He’s an East German Shepherd. 
Very disciplined.

Jerry Seinfeld-The Dog

Uploaded on Jul 11, 2010 by

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