Sunday, March 30, 2014

Why There Is No Hello Without the o


Photo Source: 
Cover picture of fire by alejost848 
from http://www.clker.com/clipart-244631.html
Used with permission.

Why There Is No Hello 
Without the o


Intriguing little book with lots to say. Teems with humor more than I’m able to convey here. 

Ray Divine comes across as someone who used to be a Christian, but then changed his mind. Or acquired new information. He’d probably say “became enlightened”. 

While he seems too flippant about such a serious topic as eternal destiny, and quite a bit vengeful against those who tout such beliefs, he makes several valid points negating the possibility of a place where people suffer for eternity. 

As the subtitle of the books says, Ray presents: “How the Concept of Eternal Torment Isn’t Supported by Scripture or Reason”. 

I’ll skip the scriptural reasons; and let you buy the book for those. 

Some of the logical reasons resonate well with me. 

Ray writes: Since justice is when the punishment fits the crime, how can eternal torture be fair for a lifetime, no matter how long or wicked that life may be? Especially the life of beings who never asked to be created! That doesn’t make God look too good either. And God, if anything, likes to look good. 

“If you’re sentenced forever, there’s no room for rehabilitation or parole, so it’s just vengeance. Merciless vengeance! And that from a Supreme Being whose online dating profile clearly touts love and mercy as being His finest features. 

Ray also pokes fun at how Christians believe that those who get spared the horrors of Hell will sing God’s praises for eternity: 

“Let’s say you’re an attractive Jewish woman during the Nazi regime. While most everyone you know and love is being tortured and killed, Hitler himself finds you attractive, or he secretly likes the way you butter your bagels, if you know what I mean, so he spares your life. Now are you really going to love Hitler for sparing your life?” 

Mr. Divine also includes the line: “Who wants to believe in a Deity where people can say that Hitler was a lot nicer?” 

Another excellent point that Ray makes: 

“One of the biggest paradoxes of Christianity is if you really believed someone will spend eternity in either Heaven or Hell, why would you have children and risk their spending eternity in torment? 

“With such beliefs, if it’s best not to have children, the species will die off after one generation. So how can such a belief system possibly benefit humanity?” 

Ray Divine makes a lot more points too, from both the Bible and logic, to prove how Hell can’t exist. At least not an eternal Hell. 

Worst case scenario: We get obliterated. Which, obviously, can ultimately prove to be highly inconvenient. But that’s still better than being tortured forever. Or having to sit in a confined space with a politician. Or a network marketer. 

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Some may find this offensive; others, enlightening:

George Carlin - You Are All Diseased.avi-.avi

Uploaded on Sep 2, 2010 by

Ray Divine
To be “politically correct”, 
we should stop calling it Hell; 
and instead, call it 
“a place that’s eternally 
pleasure-challenged”.

Ray Divine
If Jesus saves me from Hell, 
who saves me from His followers?

Ray Divine
They say Hell’s hot this time of year, 
but at least it’s a dry heat.”

Ray Divine
It’s not the heat in Hell that’s the problem. 
It’s the humidity. 
And the stench of burning brimstone. 

Ray Divine
Heaven and Hell both have shopping malls, 
but the sales in Hell aren’t as good. 
Which is ironic, 
because you’d think that every day in Hell, 
they’d have a fire sale. 

Rowan Atkinson Live The devil Toby welcomes you to hell

Uploaded on Jul 29, 2010 by

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Sunday, March 23, 2014

Tips on How to Write like Famous Comedians


How to Write 

All Kinds of Comedy Jokes

Volume 3:

Tips on How to Write 

Like Famous Comedians 

by



Comedy Isn’t Easy, But It Just Got Easier With: 

“How to Write All Kinds of Comedy Jokes”



Must you be born funny to make people laugh? Groucho Marx wasn’t born with glasses, a mustache, and a cigar. Even Steve “Born Standing Up” Martin wasn’t born wearing an arrow through his head. (Lucky for his mom, ‘cause that would have hurt!) Although Woody Allen might have been born with frizzy red hair and glasses. 

A lifelong student of comedy, a real stand-up guy, an improv performer, and the author of books as varied as “Holy Laughter!” and the comedy novel “Monster Laughs”, Dean Burkey shares his thoughts and the tips and techniques he’s learned over the years in a series he wishes had been written for him when he first started. 

Humor enhances our lives, so improve your comic abilities with “How to Write All Kinds of Kinds of Comedy Jokes”. Anyone from a comical newbie to a professional comedy writer can benefit from this series. Don’t let your comedy dreams pass you by! This book and this series can help you make others laugh! (See the guarantee below.) 

Volume 3: Tips on How to Write like Famous Comedians


This volume covers tips for writing like Woody Allen, Steve Martin, Brian Regan, and Mitch Hedberg and also offers pointers to help you write like yourself, or rather, a much funnier version of yourself. Makes a great companion to the first two volumes, teaching you how to write multiple jokes on a single topic. As well as what to do with the jokes you write! 

The trailer for Woody Allen’s movie “Love and Death” inspired me to think of film comedy. His story “The UFO Menace” made me want to write comedy. 

Steve Martin was such a strong comedic influence during my formative years. Made me want to perform standup. 

Brian Regan is my favorite current standup comedian. Besides me. His inflections, expressions, antics, and material teach us we can be truly hilarious without resorting to dirty tricks. 

I didn’t “discover” Mitch Hedberg until after he died. But his cadence, delivery, and fast-paced material teach us to go for the laughs. No monkeying around, just make people laugh. 

Table of Contents


Tips on How to Write Like Woody Allen 
Tips on How to Write Like Steve Martin 
Tips on How to Write Like Brian Regan 
Tips on How to Write Like Mitch Hedberg 
Some Quick Tips on How to Write Like Other Comics 
Rodney Dangerfield 
Phyllis Diller 
Jerry Seinfeld 
Steven Wright 
Tips on How to Write Like You 
What Makes You So Funny? 
Standup Comedy Set 
Performance Pointers 
A Look at Developing a Comic Persona 
What Are You Waiting For? 
Write. Review. Market. (Celebrate Each Success!) 
Humor-Man! (Or Humor-Woman!) 
How to Turn 1 Topic into 10, 20, or 50 + Jokes 
1 Topic / 10 Jokes 
1 Topic / 10 Jokes (Alternate Version) 
1 Topic / 20 Jokes 
1 Topic / 20 Jokes (Alternate Version) 
1 Topic / 50 Jokes 
Special Bonus Feature: How Woody Allen Improved His Moose Routine
Special Bonus Feature: A Dean Reads Book Review of Steve Martin’s “Born Standing Up”

Special Bonus Feature: How Brian Regan Improved His Pops Tarts Routine

Special Bonus Feature: The Comedic Brilliance of Mitch Hedberg’s Delivery

Special Bonus Feature: “The ‘Chicken Musket’ Secret to Comedy” 


Please Note: Volume 3 is being released before Volume 2. 

If this book gives you just one really great idea, you should reread it. Because you obviously missed something. But even so, one really great idea is still worth more than the cost of this book. Either way, I guarantee you will find something in this book to make you laugh and/or help you make others laugh. If not, return it in less than a week; and Amazon will issue a refund. You have nothing to lose and a world of laughter to gain, so click the Buy button now.

Kindle Price:$6.99


Woody Allen - The Moose

Uploaded on Aug 21, 2007 by


Woody Allen
Well, my wife was an immature woman; 
and, uh, that’s all I can say, she. 
See if this is not immature to you: 
I would be home in the bathroom, 
taking a bath; 
and my wife would walk right in, 
whenever she felt like, 
and sink my boats.

Steve Martin
I’m not into that one-night thing. 
I think a person should get to know someone, 
and even be in love with them, 
before you use and degrade them.


Dean Burkey
I found Nemo. 

He was at Red Lobster. 

Part of their combo platter. 

And he was delicious.

They ask the most insulting question 
when you check into a hospital. 

“What seems to be the problem?” 

“What seems? 
Well it seems; 
it seems like everything on my inside 
wants to be on my outside. 
But I’m no doctor.” 
What kind o’ condescending question.

I wanna be a race car passenger, 
just a guy who bugs the driver. 
“Say man, can I turn on the radio? 
You should slow down. 
Why we gotta keep going in circles? 
Can I put my feet out the window? 
Man, you really like Tide.”


Brian Regan-I Walked On The Moon (Full)

Uploaded on Dec 9, 2011 by

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Sunday, March 16, 2014

Crazy


Photo Source: 
Straight Jacket w/ Mask Adult Halloween Costume

Crazy

It’s a crazy world. 
And I can’t help but think 
that I make it a little crazier. 

Like, 
why am I only attracted to women 
in dire need of electro-shock therapy? 

Sure, 
I want sparks. 
But still, 
there’s got to be a better way 
to make a relationship sizzle.

To be fair though: 
Everyone’s a psycho 
to one degree or another. 

Some people are haunted by their past. 
Others are haunted by anxiety over the future. 
And still others are haunted by ghosts. 

Strangely, 
these are the sanest people of all. 

And more often than not, 
the ghost turns out to be Mr. Withersbee, 
the museum curator, 
who donned a sheet 
and moaned like a wounded seal 
to attract more people to the museum, 
so the place wouldn’t go under. 

And he would’ve gotten away with it too, 
if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids 
and their goofy dog 
who likes to eat way too many treats. 

Abbott & Costello-7x13 =28

Uploaded on Mar 21, 2009 by

Woody Allen
I was in group analysis when I was younger, 
‘cause I couldn’t afford private. 
I was Captain of the Latent Paranoid Softball Team. 
We used to play all the neurotics on Sunday morning. 
Nailbiters against the bedwetters. 
And if you've never seen neurotics play softball, 
it’s really funny. 
I used to steal second base, 
and feel guilty and go back.

Author Unknown:
(From Comedy Centrals CC:Jokes at: 
http://jokes.cc.com/funny-doctor-jokes/in08t4/a-crazy-person-in-the-woods)
Q: How does a crazy person 
travel through the woods?
A: They take the psycho path.

Dean Burkey
No one can say you’re lazy; 
‘Cause it takes a lot of hard work 
To be that crazy. 

Mitch Hedberg
I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, 
a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Brian Regan
I’m wearing new contact lenses. 
I just had my prescription changed after six years. 
You ever wait that long? 
And then you’re like, 
“Man! I can see!” 
How can instantly improved vision 
not be at the top of your to-do list? 
“Eh, I’ll see ya’ tomorrow. 
I got a sock drawer I gotta sort out.” 
So I- I go in for the eye test; 
and I don’t know about you, 
but I concentrate like crazy during the eye exam. 
You know? 
You don’t want to get no D on that thing. 
End up with these big, thick, coke-bottle glasses.



Jerry Seinfeld

NEW Stand Up Comedy 2004-2013 Compilation

Published on Jul 2, 2013 by

EvilTwinStore

Sunday, March 9, 2014

A Dean Reads Book Review: Malcolm Gladwell’s blink and What the Dog Saw


A Dean Reads Book Review: 
Malcolm Gladwell's 
blink 
(The Power of Thinking
Without Thinking)
and 
What the Dog Saw
(and other adventures)

More fascinating and intriguing books! 

As before, Malcolm Gladwell writes with 
an informative, engaging style 
where he blends a variety of facts, studies, 
and events to make his points and observations. 

“blink” 
(The Power of Thinking Without Thinking) 
wasn’t what I expected. 
I thought that after reading this book, 
I’d have such an enhanced way of thinking, 
it’d be like having “Spider Sense”. 
Like Stan Lee’s web-slinging sensation, 
if I sensed danger, 
I’d know to be careful because 
“My Spidey Sense is tingling like a three-alarm fire!” 

Although the book didn’t grant me 
Spider Powers of any kind, 
I still found it to be another fun read. 
Gladwell explains how certain researchers 
can tell within seconds whether 
a married couple will get divorced, 
or a doctor will be sued for malpractice, 
or whether a teacher will be effective. 

Gladwell talks about Thin-Slicing 
and how having too much information 
can be problematic.

I should have written this review 
right after I finished reading, 
so I could recall more with greater detail. 
But I wanted to finish “What the Dog Saw” too. 

So, as far as I know, 
I’ve read all of Malcolm Gladwell’s books. 
And I enjoyed each one. 

My recommendation for anyone who wants to 
read Malcolm Gladwells books for the first time: 
If his other books don’t offer a topic 
that immediately grabs you, 
start with “What the Dog Saw”. 

This book presents  a collection of several 
of Gladwells articles for “The New Yorker”. 

Each chapter stands on its own. 

Plus, he covers such a wide array of topics: 
How Ron Popeil (The Ronco Guy) 
became so successful. 
Why we have so many varieties of mustard, 
but not of ketchup. 
How one man invests to profit 
from infrequent market crashes. 
(He loses money almost every day of the year. 
But when he wins, he wins big!) 
Hair dye and women’s liberation. 
Effective ways to combat homelessness. 
Criminal profiling! 
And much, much more. 

I found the chapter on choking 
(in the sense of 
suddenly playing badly at sports, 
not in the sense of 
“Help!-Help!-I-Need-The-Heimlich-Maneuver!”) 
versus panicking 
and the chapter on late bloomers 
to be particularly fascinating. 

If you want to gain more insights into how life works, 
read the books of Malcolm Gladwell

If you just want to laugh and have a good time, 
read mine


Other Books by Malcolm Gladwell:



You might also enjoy my book reviews of:
Outliers: The Story of Success by Malcolm Gladwell

Malcolm Gladwell's David and Goliath

Malcolm Gladwell’s The Tipping Point

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Malcolm Gladwell - Blink - full show

Uploaded on Nov 6, 2010 by

George Carlin
Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, 
but when you take him in a car, 
he sticks his head out the window? 

Jerry Seinfeld
Dogs want to be people. 
That’s what their lives are about. 
They don’t like being a dog. 
They’re with people all the time; 
they want to graduate. 
My dog would sit there all day, 
he would watch me walk by; 
he would think to himself, 
“I could do that! He’s not that good.”

Dean Burkey
The defense attorney was so vicious, 
he accused a seeing eye dog of leading the witness. 

Mitch Hedberg
A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone. 
The dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. 
I’m going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, 
then the dog will come back and say, 
“Shoot! It worked! 
I must distribute these bones equally 
for I have a green paw!”  

Steven Wright
I bought a dog the other day. 
I named him Stay. 
It’s fun to call him. 
“Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” 
He went insane. 
Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. 
He’s an East German Shepherd. 
Very disciplined.



Jerry Seinfeld-The Dog

Uploaded on Jul 11, 2010 by

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