Showing posts with label Woody Allen. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Woody Allen. Show all posts

Friday, September 19, 2014

Fast Food Follies


Fast Food Follies
“Fast Food Follies”

 Long before we bark our orders into a broken intercom, the fast food we crave has already dreamed and thrived, lived and died, in a heated world of grub gone wild.
“McLovin’”

 Duke, the Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, partied all night making moves on both Francesca, a large order of French fries, and Apollonia, a hot apple pie. When those two women got wind of Duke’s game, they snubbed him cold. 

 Still feeling lascivious, Duke sought out Francine, a small order of fries. She felt flattered at first to receive so much attention from such a big burger, but he proved to be too fast a food for her taste, groping and kissing her against her will. She cried for help. 

 Melvin, a plain, single-patty burger, marched over to Francine’s house to invite her to watch a whimsical comedy at the McMovie McTheater. Although she already turned him down twice that week, he hoped for the best. Hearing her scream, he tried to bust down her door. After contracting several contusions, he checked under the mat and found a key. Only the key didn’t work, because Duke had turned the security latch. So Melvin crashed through a window and rushed inside as Duke ripped off Francine’s pink skirt. Francine shrieked. 

Melvin grabbed a metal McLamp and pummeled Duke into a McComa. Even lying under a heat lamp would not resuscitate him anytime soon. Melvin wrapped Francine in a silver blanket and used his sleeves to wipe away her tears and smeared mascara. 

 Francine sobbed. “I wasn’t ready. But Duke didn’t want to wait.” 

 “Shhh. Don’t try to talk. Everything will be all right.” Melvin soothed and caressed her. After a few heavy sighs, he said, “I should take you to the McHospital.” 

 “No, not yet.” Francine breathed deeply, then cooed, “You never gave up on me.” 

 Melvin smiled. “And I never will.” 

 “I wasn’t ready before, but now I am.” 

“Okay. Pack a change of clothes; and we’ll head to the McHospital.” 

 “No, not that.” Francine beamed. 

 “Then what? What are you ready for?” 

 Francine cast off her silver blanket and kissed Melvin. 

“Oh.” 

 Melvin’s McLovin’ fantasies came true that night; and thus was born the Happy Meal. 
“Chicken Stuff”

 Oswald, an original recipe chicken, longed to be with a spicy chicken strip named Serena, but extra crispy chicken Eddie had his claws into her. Oswald possessed prestige, but Eddie’s physique sported a crusty surface that even the spiciest strips found alluring. Eddie pretended he didn’t care, that he just wanted to get Serena’s eggs laid, but he bawled the night she left him. Marinating himself every midnight in Fiery Buffalo, dipping his skinny in Honey BBQ with any chick he could find, and crying out at the cloudless sky, “Cluck you, Mother Clucker!”

 Serena enjoyed raw animal magnetism as much as any other chicken, but held higher aspirations than a simple cole slaw and buttered roll combo. She yearned to be part of a Variety Big Box Meal. She told herself she wasn’t concerned about the money or the fine trimmings. She even convinced herself that Oswald made her feel special, like more than just a piece of meat; and that being with him transcended a mere fast food experience, akin to culinary ecstasy. And so, Serena surrendered to Oswald’s foul desires and moved in with him. 

 Heartbroken and jacked up on coke, Eddie broke into Oswald’s penthouse apartment to win back Serena, but his switchblade proved no match for Oswald’s blunt 38. Before falling twelve stories and slamming into a dumpster, Eddie blurted, “Aw, bucket!” 

 After mourning a month and a half for Eddie, Serena married Oswald. Within three years they had enough popcorn chicken clucking around to fill two buckets. Oddly though, the firstborn boasted an alluring crusty surface. 
“For Whom the Taco Tolls”

 The Chalupas and the Gorditas rumbled to see who’d reign supreme. No tortilla felt safe walking the streets with those two gangs at war. Every day a new taco got caught in the crossfire and spilled his seasoned ground beef and hot sauce onto the sidewalk. One half-expected spicy ones to splatter like that, but sadly, even mild sauces splattered too. 

 Bobby “Bean” Burrito sponsored a costume party at the condiment center. Carlos dressed as a masked conquistador; and Gina, a female Zorro. They dueled; they danced; they fell in love. Before the midnight removal of masks, Carlos received a call on his cell. Some Gorditas trashed his uncle’s garage and raped and killed his cousin. Poor Pepé. He never saw it coming. Carlos left abruptly, forgetting to exchange numbers with Gina. After visiting his uncle, he vowed vengeance and searched for some Gorditas to torture and kill. 

 Having changed out of her hot costume, Gina wandered around the grounds, praying for Carlos to return. Unfortunately for her, he did. Carlos knew a Gordita when he saw one. At least an unmasked Gordita. So he attacked Gina and stabbed her, to avenge his cousin. As life and chili sauce ebbed out of her body, her purse fell open and spilled onto the sidewalk. 

 Carlos gasped to find her Zorro mask. That night the rumble ended. Both sides had gone too far; but neither proved supreme. Although tranquility returned to Bell City, Carlos drowned himself every night with shot after shot of hot border sauce. 
~o~ ~o~
/\


Jerry Seinfeld: 
Have you ever noticed that the waiter 
who takes your order 
is not the one who brings your food anymore? 
What is that about? 
And which waiter are you tipping anyway? 
I think that next time I go to a restaurant I’ll just say, 
“Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. 
The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly.”

  

 Phyllis Diller: 
I do dinner in three phases: 
Serve the food. 
Clear the table. 
Bury the dead.

 Dean Burkey: 
He knew his lying accountant 
deserved the gas chamber, 
but unable to perform an execution himself, 
he instead gave him gift certificates 
for free extra spicy bean burritos at Taco Bell. 
Photo Source: 
Hot Dog Pet Food Dog Costume

 Steven Wright: 
I got food poisoning today. 
I don’t know when I’ll use it. 

 Mitch Hedberg: 
I went to a pizzeria. 
The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. 
If the pizza was a pie chart with 
what would you do if you found a million dollars, 
he gave me the “Donate it to charity” slice. 
“I’d like to exchange this for the ‘Keep it!’”


Full Throttle Fat Loss

WOODY ALLEN - 1964 - Standup Comedy

Published on May 5, 2014 by


Photo Source: 
Heinz Ketchup Dress - Small/Medium - Dress Size 4-10

Come Back Monday September 22, 2014
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Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Pretty Little Ring-Flinger


The cute cashier at the local health food store 
wore a couple cool rings. 
I asked what the coolest one was; 
and she said it was a tiger’s eye, 
but she didn’t know if was real. 
Photo Source: 
Eye of the Tiger

Hearing that, I must’ve smirked, 
because she said she meant if a tiger’s eye 
was a real type of stone; 
and if her ring was a real one of those. 

 The other ring was a wraparound spoon thing, 
so I said, 
“And this other one, 
you got mad at your silverware?” 

 She chuckled and said 
those were her favorite rings; 
and that she had left them at Nordstrom’s, 
but some kind person found them and called her. 

 I said that was cool, 
but all the while I was thinking, 
so why was she flinging off her rings at Nordstrom’s? 
She can’t change clothes without flinging rings?
Click Here to Shop at Amazon!





 When you fall for that special someone, this is how you propose: 

Crazy Marriage Proposal

Uploaded on Jul 11, 2011 by
(Please don’t really propose like that to anyone.
Especially not to someone about whom you really care.)

Rita Rudner: 
I think men who have a pierced ear 
are better prepared for marriage. 
They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. 

 Richard Pryor: 
I believe in the institution of marriage; 
and I intend to keep trying until I get it right. 

Dean Burkey: 
If you don’t want to play chess anymore, 
I’ll just take the pawn back to the ring shop. 

 Woody Allen: 
I also wrote a short story about my first year of marriage, 
which Alfred Hitchcock showed interest in for a while. 

 Ray Divine: 
Saturn has rings around it like a dirty tub. 
But you’d think the planet with the dirty rings 
would be Uranus.  

And never ever propose like this: 

Creepy-Crawly Proposal Prank

Uploaded on Apr 14, 2011 by
Break
Check out more Template Ring at Zazzle


Come Back Friday August 29, 2014 for: 
RAOR: 
Katy Perry's Hit Song ROAR Backwards
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Sunday, June 29, 2014

How to Write All Kinds of Comedy Jokes Volume 4: Other Avenues of Amusement


How to Write 
All Kinds of Comedy Jokes
Volume 4: 
Other Avenues of Amusement 

Volume 4: "Other Avenues of Amusement"


Intersecting Humor Street at Comedy Corner, we find Other Avenues of Amusement: Cartoons, Improv, Screenwriting, Sketch Comedy, Sitcoms, and Written Comedy. Also includes a tip or two for writing Ads, Animated TV Shows & Movies, Comics, Greeting Cards, Merchandising, and Plays. With insights about “Monster Laughs” and “How to Write All Kinds of Comedy Jokes”. 

These topics interweave in wondrous ways, so even if you’re only interested in one or two of these, such as Screenwriting and Sitcoms, read the rest anyway. Several suggestions for Written Comedy also apply to Screenwriting and Sitcoms. And vice versa. Instead of repeating myself too much, I spread the same information over these various topics. 

Table of Contents


Introduction 
Cartoons 
Improv 
Screenwriting 
Sitcoms 
Sketch Comedy 
Written Comedy 
This Volume Also Includes a Tip Or Two for Writing: 
Ads 
Animated TV Shows 
Animated Movies 
Comics 
Greeting Cards 
Merchandising 
Plays 
A Glimpse at the Topics Covered by Volumes 1 - 3 
Disclaimers 
Book Explanation & Source Citation 
Source Citation Key & Criticism/Commentary 
Thank You! 
Promos for Some of My Other Books

Special Bonus Features:


 My Analysis of Mel Brooks’ Comedy Techniques 
as Exhibited in “Young Frankenstein” 
-------
Tips on How to Write Funny Flash Fiction 
Like Woody Allen 
-------
Writing Advice (From My Humor Blog) 
Please Note: Volume 4 is being released before Volume 2. 

Not Just Educational, 

But Entertaining Too!


All The Best,

Young Frankenstein (1974) Movie Trailer

Published on Mar 25, 2012 by

 Excerpts from 
How to Write 
All Kinds of Comedy Jokes
Volume 4: 
Other Avenues of Amusement

So write a book. Almost any kind of book can use some humor. Even the Egyptian Book of the Dead could use a few limericks and a Tom Swiftie or two. If only Adolph had put some comedy into his Mein Kampf, maybe the Third Reich wouldn’t have gone so awry. Maybe malaprops, zeugmas, and zingers could’ve prevented both world wars. Excuse me, world conflicts. 
-------
Have fun with the thoughts of characters. Make them think anything! Keep track of your own wild imaginings and apply those to your characters. Spoof as needed. 

Have fun with Similes when you describe people, objects, events, etc. Narration and exposition never need to be boring, not when you can express the same information via comedy jokes. 

From “Monster Laughs”: Trying not to panic, I fled, screaming, “Bloody murder!” 
-------
From My Analysis of 
Mel Brooks’ Comedy Techniques 
as Exhibited in “Young Frankenstein”:
There’s no funeral. Just a constable and two gravediggers burying the body. Nor do we see inside the coffin where the corpse appears to spit out dirt. 

Added: Although Freddy stands taller than Igor, he tells Igor: “Get down, you fool!” 

Altered: The gag about “Could be worse.”/“How?”/“Could be raining.” is in the script, but the rain starts right away in the movie, instead of a moment later in the script. Again, a comedic director taking something funny from the script and making it funnier. 

In the script: They dig up the body, wheel it down the street, and return to the castle without incident. 

Added: The hilarious encounter with the constable where Freddy acts as if the corpse’s extended arm is his own. 

Another fine and funny example of how adding difficulties can add humor. Also, the risk of getting caught adds suspense, which enhances the humor. 

Removed: The difficulty Freddy and Igor had getting the body out of the coffin and onto the operating table. 

Lesson Learned: Sometimes, instead of adding difficulty, it’s better to replace difficulties, picking the one that’s funniest.  
-------
From Tips on How to Write 
Funny Flash Fiction 
Like Woody Allen: 

 Open with an Intriguing Line 

Which Is Soon Followed by a Funny Line

Woody [Allen] opens “Pinchuck’s Law” with: “Twenty years in the homicide division of the N.Y.P.D. and, brother, you’ve seen everything. Like when some Wall Street broker juliennes his little petit four over who gets to work the channel changer, or this lovesick rabbi decides to end it all by salting his beard with anthrax and inhaling.” 

“Thus Ate Zarathustra” [by Woody Allen] opens with: “There’s nothing like the discovery of an unknown work by a great thinker to set the intellectual community atwitter and cause academics to dart about like those things one sees when looking at a drop of water under a microscope. On a recent trip to Heidelberg to procure some rare nineteenth-century duelling scars, I happened upon just such a treasure. Who would have thought that ‘Friedrich Nietzsche’s Diet Book’ existed?”




Making of Young Frankenstein

Uploaded on Sep 9, 2006 by



EvilTwinStore
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