Showing posts with label Dean Writes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dean Writes. Show all posts

Friday, September 19, 2014

Fast Food Follies


Fast Food Follies
“Fast Food Follies”

 Long before we bark our orders into a broken intercom, the fast food we crave has already dreamed and thrived, lived and died, in a heated world of grub gone wild.
“McLovin’”

 Duke, the Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, partied all night making moves on both Francesca, a large order of French fries, and Apollonia, a hot apple pie. When those two women got wind of Duke’s game, they snubbed him cold. 

 Still feeling lascivious, Duke sought out Francine, a small order of fries. She felt flattered at first to receive so much attention from such a big burger, but he proved to be too fast a food for her taste, groping and kissing her against her will. She cried for help. 

 Melvin, a plain, single-patty burger, marched over to Francine’s house to invite her to watch a whimsical comedy at the McMovie McTheater. Although she already turned him down twice that week, he hoped for the best. Hearing her scream, he tried to bust down her door. After contracting several contusions, he checked under the mat and found a key. Only the key didn’t work, because Duke had turned the security latch. So Melvin crashed through a window and rushed inside as Duke ripped off Francine’s pink skirt. Francine shrieked. 

Melvin grabbed a metal McLamp and pummeled Duke into a McComa. Even lying under a heat lamp would not resuscitate him anytime soon. Melvin wrapped Francine in a silver blanket and used his sleeves to wipe away her tears and smeared mascara. 

 Francine sobbed. “I wasn’t ready. But Duke didn’t want to wait.” 

 “Shhh. Don’t try to talk. Everything will be all right.” Melvin soothed and caressed her. After a few heavy sighs, he said, “I should take you to the McHospital.” 

 “No, not yet.” Francine breathed deeply, then cooed, “You never gave up on me.” 

 Melvin smiled. “And I never will.” 

 “I wasn’t ready before, but now I am.” 

“Okay. Pack a change of clothes; and we’ll head to the McHospital.” 

 “No, not that.” Francine beamed. 

 “Then what? What are you ready for?” 

 Francine cast off her silver blanket and kissed Melvin. 

“Oh.” 

 Melvin’s McLovin’ fantasies came true that night; and thus was born the Happy Meal. 
“Chicken Stuff”

 Oswald, an original recipe chicken, longed to be with a spicy chicken strip named Serena, but extra crispy chicken Eddie had his claws into her. Oswald possessed prestige, but Eddie’s physique sported a crusty surface that even the spiciest strips found alluring. Eddie pretended he didn’t care, that he just wanted to get Serena’s eggs laid, but he bawled the night she left him. Marinating himself every midnight in Fiery Buffalo, dipping his skinny in Honey BBQ with any chick he could find, and crying out at the cloudless sky, “Cluck you, Mother Clucker!”

 Serena enjoyed raw animal magnetism as much as any other chicken, but held higher aspirations than a simple cole slaw and buttered roll combo. She yearned to be part of a Variety Big Box Meal. She told herself she wasn’t concerned about the money or the fine trimmings. She even convinced herself that Oswald made her feel special, like more than just a piece of meat; and that being with him transcended a mere fast food experience, akin to culinary ecstasy. And so, Serena surrendered to Oswald’s foul desires and moved in with him. 

 Heartbroken and jacked up on coke, Eddie broke into Oswald’s penthouse apartment to win back Serena, but his switchblade proved no match for Oswald’s blunt 38. Before falling twelve stories and slamming into a dumpster, Eddie blurted, “Aw, bucket!” 

 After mourning a month and a half for Eddie, Serena married Oswald. Within three years they had enough popcorn chicken clucking around to fill two buckets. Oddly though, the firstborn boasted an alluring crusty surface. 
“For Whom the Taco Tolls”

 The Chalupas and the Gorditas rumbled to see who’d reign supreme. No tortilla felt safe walking the streets with those two gangs at war. Every day a new taco got caught in the crossfire and spilled his seasoned ground beef and hot sauce onto the sidewalk. One half-expected spicy ones to splatter like that, but sadly, even mild sauces splattered too. 

 Bobby “Bean” Burrito sponsored a costume party at the condiment center. Carlos dressed as a masked conquistador; and Gina, a female Zorro. They dueled; they danced; they fell in love. Before the midnight removal of masks, Carlos received a call on his cell. Some Gorditas trashed his uncle’s garage and raped and killed his cousin. Poor Pepé. He never saw it coming. Carlos left abruptly, forgetting to exchange numbers with Gina. After visiting his uncle, he vowed vengeance and searched for some Gorditas to torture and kill. 

 Having changed out of her hot costume, Gina wandered around the grounds, praying for Carlos to return. Unfortunately for her, he did. Carlos knew a Gordita when he saw one. At least an unmasked Gordita. So he attacked Gina and stabbed her, to avenge his cousin. As life and chili sauce ebbed out of her body, her purse fell open and spilled onto the sidewalk. 

 Carlos gasped to find her Zorro mask. That night the rumble ended. Both sides had gone too far; but neither proved supreme. Although tranquility returned to Bell City, Carlos drowned himself every night with shot after shot of hot border sauce. 
~o~ ~o~
/\


Jerry Seinfeld: 
Have you ever noticed that the waiter 
who takes your order 
is not the one who brings your food anymore? 
What is that about? 
And which waiter are you tipping anyway? 
I think that next time I go to a restaurant I’ll just say, 
“Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. 
The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly.”

  

 Phyllis Diller: 
I do dinner in three phases: 
Serve the food. 
Clear the table. 
Bury the dead.

 Dean Burkey: 
He knew his lying accountant 
deserved the gas chamber, 
but unable to perform an execution himself, 
he instead gave him gift certificates 
for free extra spicy bean burritos at Taco Bell. 
Photo Source: 
Hot Dog Pet Food Dog Costume

 Steven Wright: 
I got food poisoning today. 
I don’t know when I’ll use it. 

 Mitch Hedberg: 
I went to a pizzeria. 
The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. 
If the pizza was a pie chart with 
what would you do if you found a million dollars, 
he gave me the “Donate it to charity” slice. 
“I’d like to exchange this for the ‘Keep it!’”


Full Throttle Fat Loss

WOODY ALLEN - 1964 - Standup Comedy

Published on May 5, 2014 by


Photo Source: 
Heinz Ketchup Dress - Small/Medium - Dress Size 4-10

Come Back Monday September 22, 2014
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Monday, June 10, 2013

My Favorite Writing Moments


My Favorite Writing Moments

Writing stories is hard. 
Creating worlds from nothing. 
Like trying to put a thousand-piece puzzle together 
without the picture. 
And with many of the pieces missing. 
And several more pieces added that don’t belong. 

 So you sort through the ideas popping into your brain, 
deciding which ones live and which die, 
playing God with the fate and destiny of each idea. 

 You assemble what you have and see gaps 
where pieces are still needed, 
so you fashion makeshift pieces, 
fitting them in as best you can. 
Jimmying and pounding as needed. 

 After you complete the puzzle? 
You set it aside to work on another; 
and then you come back to the previous one 
to see if everything still fits fine. 
Or if extra pieces are needed; 
or if extra pieces need to be removed. 

 At some point, you decide to send it out into the world, 
but in your heart you can always think 
of other things to change. 
But you’ve got to stop rewriting; 
or you’ll never submit your story. 
And worse, 
you’ll never move on to writing other stories. 

 But having said all that, 
it’s fun when everything comes together 
as much as possible. 

 When writing “Exit Strategies”, 
I decided that since there’s a gun; 
and that it goes off, 
someone should get shot; 
and that changed the rest of the story. 
I felt like the story took over; 
and I was just writing what happened! 
That was a hard enough story to write, 
because I kept getting snippets of ideas 
that I weaved together to make into a coherent story. 
But the gunshot enthralled me. 
Created a keen paralleling of previous scenes. 
And although there’s a gunshot, 
I’d say that’s probably one of the most romantic stories 
I’ve ever written. 
(I was trying to reach a wider audience.)
The end result?
It’s like a guy’s movie 
that could be marketed as a chick flick too.
So it’s either brilliant; 
or shows how little I know about romance. 
Or both. 

 I enjoyed writing certain blogs more so than others, 
like the one about the E.T. toy and its sequel, 
the 6-part Inner Earth adventure, 
and the one about how I’d spend the last day on Earth. 
The 8-part Nessie Adventure! 
Those were fun to write. 
I think the E.T. story and its sequel are the two blogs 
that started me writing crazy adventures. 
Like the episode “The Junior Mint” did for “Seinfeld”. 

 Working on “Monster Laughs” was a blast!
Each chapter became its own adventure. 
I felt like I was writing epic mini-movies, not chapters, 
especially the Jekyll/Hyde and Mummy chapters. 
And yet, the story moved forward throughout. 
Characters might reappear here and there. 
Running gags galore!

 I also enjoyed writing the short stores 
“An Ice Memoir” 
(from “Faith like a Ketchup Seed”, 
“Holy Ketchup Seed Comedy Combo”, 
and “A Fire of Coals and an Ice Memoir”) 
and “Fast Food Follies” 
(from “Seasons without Reason”);
where inanimate objects lead such melodramatic lives. 

 I also enjoyed writing my screenplays 
“Sharks on a Plane” and “Foot Loose”, 
where I took crazy, seemingly impossible ideas 
and made them work as emotional stories 
with a sense of humor. 
Those were challenging and fun. 

 I also liked how I made the life of Socrates 
into a comedy of sorts, while still being respectful. 
I tried to present him as creatively as he lived his life. 

 I had a blast rewriting 
“Heaven-Bent HUMOR: The Dean Adventures”, 
because I made the goal of adding 
at least one new joke to each entry. 
And I think there were 57 entries!
Plus I added a fun, new entry for the ending too.

 Fun times.

 And I enjoy the story I’m working on now. 


 Please let me know what you want from my comedy blog. 
Jokes? Stories? 
Which blog posts did you enjoy the best? 
I’d love to hear some kind of tactful feedback. 
Thank you.


Short Editorial

Uploaded on Jun 1, 2007 by

Bill Cosby:
As I have discovered by examining my past, 
I started out as a child. 
Coincidentally, so did my brother. 
My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, 
so to speak. 
She gave me a younger brother named Russell, 
who taught me what was meant by 
“survival of the fittest.”

 George Carlin:
One nice thing about egotists: 
They don’t talk about other people. 

 Dean Burkey:
He’s so focused and direct. 
If there’s a straight shot to something, 
he’ll weave his way around it. 

 Mitch Hedberg:
You know when a company 
wants to use letters in their phone number, 
but often they’ll use too many letters? 
“Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting.” 
Too many letters, man, must I dial them all? 
“Hello? Hold on, man, I’m only on ‘Enjoy.’ 
How did you know I was calling? 
You’re good, I can see why they hired you!” 

 Steven Wright:
What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 

Brian Regan - Very Funny Stand Up Comedy Enjoy

Published on May 3, 2013 by
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Monday, May 13, 2013

Question Everything




Question Everything: The Examined Life of Socrates


Timeless truths with relevance for today. The life, teachings, and death of Socrates, the person acclaimed by many to be the world’s greatest philosopher, presented with humor, to inform as well as entertain in a manner as creative and carefree as the man himself.


While on trial, sure of his innocence, that he was only arraigned out of jealousy, Socrates recounts his life with veracity and wit, presenting his life in exciting, entertaining, and comedic ways, but then the verdict takes a turn for the worse. Despite the protests of his friends, Socrates refuses to escape the bitter sentencing.

Written by a Comedian with the Utmost of Respect


Comedian Dean Burkey presents the life of Socrates as never before. Although Socrates as often been parodied (by Woody Allen, by Steve Martin, in “Bill & Ted’s Most Excellent Adventure”, etc.), this book chooses not to mock this fascinating man, but rather presents its comedy with admiration, awe, and respect for the philosopher deemed by many to be the greatest of them all. 

 Says the author “I feel the humor, which is organic to the story, reflects the jovial nature of this great philosopher.” Burkey also admits taking some poetic license, eschewing the details of certain facts to make key points in Socrates’ life, without having the humor mock the man, but rather enhance our understanding of someone so unique and clever and truly ahead of his time. Capturing the spirit of the man, if not the letter as well. Rated PG-13.

Snippets


     But just when the teacher thought it was safe to teach an inquisitive child, young Socrates asked, “So what makes a good life for you?”
     Solon stammered. “That’s. That’s personal.”
     Rolling his eyes, young Socrates shook his head. “So you still have no idea. Not even for yourself?”
     With an echoing foot stomp, the teacher shouted, “Two plus two equals four! Any questions related to that?”

      As the young man grimaced, the young woman glared at Socrates.
     “My advice?” said Socrates. “By all means, marry.”
     Sighing, the young man and the young woman smiled.
     Socrates returned their smile with a wry one of his own. “If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”

      Faithful Plato, who’d been with Socrates for so long, stood to his feet and waved his fist at Democritus. “This is an outrage! A travesty! A! A! Outrageous travesty!”
     Socrates pat Plato’s shoulder to assuage his friend’s fury. “Maybe the gadfly wasn’t my best metaphor.”

      Those sitting rolled their eyes at Crito.
     “Don’t be like that,” said Crito. “I come with the best news ever!”
     Apollodorus brightened a bit. “The court acquiesced and decided to set Socrates free?”
     Crito slumped a bit. “No. I come with the second best news ever.”

      “Sneak away? I shall not,” said Socrates. “Even if convicted unjustly, a righteous person must respect the law.”
     Bam! Crito pounded on the bars in frustration. “Don’t be so selfish, Socrates! Think of me. If you die, people will think me too cheap to bribe the guards to let you escape.”



Jim Gaffigan - Beyond the Pale - Hot Pockets

Uploaded on Jun 14, 2010 by

 George Carlin: 
How do they get the deer 
to cross at that yellow road sign? 

 Jerry Seinfeld: 
Did you see these new minivan ads? 
All they talk about are cup-holders, kiddie seats, and doors. 
What kind of advertising is that? 
When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, 
“And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, 
but easily accessible when you need it!” 
I think not! 

 Dean Burkey:
From Question Everything: 
The Examined Life of Socrates: 
Plato shook his head in disbelief. 
“You lived all these years; and you never wrote anything?”
“That’s not true,” said Socrates. 
“Just last week, 
I wrote what Xanthippe wanted me to buy at the market.”

 Mitch Hedberg: 
I want to get non-aerosol mace; you just rub it in. 
“Dude who is attacking me; come a little closer!” 

 Steven Wright: 
The problem with the gene pool 
is that there is no lifeguard. 
A strangely amusing sci-fi musical melodrama!
(Rated PG-13.)


Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog - Full Movie

Uploaded on May 13, 2011 by
HeteroProductions

Coming Up This Week:*
Tuesday: 
Am I Not Foolish Enough to Rush In?
(Includes the Best of One-Line Comedians.)
Wednesday: 
Accidental Hero
(Includes Jerry Seinfeld at the Comedy Store.)
Thursday: 
Sitting in the Hot Seat
(Includes a funny commercial and more Jerry.)
Friday: 
If You're Considering 
Getting a Golden Retriever for a Pet, 
You Should Know This ...
(Includes Seinfeld Secret Code Clips.)
* Proposed list of posts. Subject to change at any time.
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Friday, May 3, 2013

Just 3 Days Left!


Just 3 Days Left!
(Including Today)


Photo Source:
The photo of the author running from a Monster Crab
(a.k.a. Crab Cake Gone Wild)
is a mock-up still created by Brad Hudson using footage
from his film project “The Bad Clam”.
The background picture is A Cloudy Blue Sky by Photo Rack.

Thank you for getting my book for FREE 
on Amazon Kindle.

 Please tell everyone you know 
about this awesome sweet deal too!

 Instead of going into a long sales pitch, 
especially since you already got your copy, 
I'll just include some More Snippets!

 But please realize that taken of context, 
some of these might not make much sense. 

 And I'll try to realize that taken in context, 
some of these might not make much sense.

;o)

 More Snippets!


I’ve never been to 
the General Grant National Memorial in Manhattan, 
so how could I possibly know 
who’s buried in Grant’s tomb? 
Or maybe Elvis is the Abominable Snowman! 
That would explain a lot.
Like, why is the Abominable Snowman 
always humming and shaking his right leg? 
How come he keeps growling on and on 
about heartbreak hotels and hound dogs? 
And why does his breath always wreak 
of peanut butter banana sandwiches?  
Certainly, a tank with a mortar launcher 
would be better than a Corolla with a slingshot.  
“Yeah, yeah, I see what you’re doin’ there. 
You ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog; 
and you just wanna be her teddy bear.” *
“Don’t be cruel, Elvis. 
Not to a heart that’s true.” *
----------------------------------------
* References and allusions to Elvis Presley’s songs. 
“Hound Dog”, “(Let Me Be Your) Teddy Bear”, 
and “Don’t Be Cruel”. 
So I got clubbed by two angry guards. 
Three guards clubbed me, 
but the third one wasn’t angry. 
He just liked clubbing.

 Couldn’t tell what condition I was in. 
Was I paralyzed or just numb? 
Was I even alive? 
If I wasn’t alive, 
the P.R. guy for the afterlife 
did an excellent job of overselling it.


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Thursday, May 2, 2013

What's the Deal with Free Books?


What's the Deal 
with Free Books?

Photo Source:
The photo of the author running from a Monster Crab
(a.k.a. Crab Cake Gone Wild)
is a mock-up still created by Brad Hudson using footage
from his film project “The Bad Clam”.
The background picture is A Cloudy Blue Sky by Photo Rack.

Thank you!
I gave away over 50 books yesterday!

What's the Deal?

The Deal for You:
The deal is you get an awesome book FREE!

 But even if you miss the May 5 cut-off date, 
you can still enjoy a bunch of comical adventures 
for less than four bucks!

 The Deal for Me:
The deal is I get the chance to give you a book, 
to let you read a sampling of my writing. 

 Also,
the more books I give away, 
the higher my ranking becomes, 
so even if you can't read, 
still get my book!

 Of course, 
the dream goal, 
besides having the supermodel heiress 
of a chocolate fortune find me irresistible, 
is accruing a vast amount 
of 5-Star Reviews!

 So please: 
Get your free copy right away!

 It's a Win-Win situation for both of us!
And I love when we all get along. 

 To help me out some more, 
please click the picture below, 
to visit my Dean Burkey Author Page; 
and click the orange Like button
in the upper right hand corner:

Photo by David Wehman
And if you also enjoy faith-based books, 
please click the picture below, 
to visit my Dean J. Burkey Author Page; 
and click the orange Like button
in the upper right hand corner:

Photo by Susan Anderson

Many, many thanks!

 I worked super dee duper hard on this book, 
to make it as funny as can be, 
so I'm sure that if you like it 
even half as much as I do, 
you'll love it immensely!

 And at a cost of FREE, 
you automatically get more 
than your money's worth!

More Snippets!


Don’t fall in love with a psycho; 
she’ll only break your heart. 
Or cut it out and feed it to the pigeons.  
Kakoolie and Colletta enjoy a happy, fulfilling life, 
teeming with love and joy, 
until three seconds later, 
the mob moves in on Chef Pierre’s 
highly successful Pastries R Us Shoppe.  
Unfortunately, a speck of dust. 
A seemingly insignificant speck of dust. 
Altered my coordinates ever so slightly, 
sending me to Fargon instead of Oolala. 
Of course, I was still greeted as a hero. 
If you saw me in my cape, you’d understand.  
And the silly insurance company 
doesn’t cover self-started fire damage. 
Are you kidding me? 
Self-started fire damage coverage 
is the only reason people get insurance! 
If the DirectTV Genie gave me three wishes, 
I assure you, 
that none of them 
would be about television programming.

 We met while serving together in Desert Storm. 
Not in the military. 
We worked as waiters 
in a taco tiki hut on the outskirts of Kuwait.


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