Nature's Way

Photo Source: 
http://www.optical-illusionist.com/illusions/zoo-animals-face

Nature’s Way

by
Dean Burkey

Rain is nature’s way of watering the flowers 
or wiping out a village. 

Spilled Milk is nature’s way of saying, 
“You better wipe this up fast! 
Or you’ll be stuck with a stench that’ll last!” 

Junk Mail is nature’s way of saying, 
“Stop hoarding! 
I’m trying to teach you how to throw things away!” 

A spider sneaking up on you is 
nature’s way of saying, “Boo!” 

Salsa Dancing is Nature’s way of saying, 
“Being sedentary’s only great when you’re sand.” 

Firestorms are nature’s way of I saying, 
“I was bored; and I found a book of matches.” 

Poison Ivy is 
nature’s way of saying, “Gotcha!” 

Death is nature’s way of saying, 
“Stop breathing.” 

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

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Jim Gaffigan - King Baby - Camping

Uploaded on Oct 27, 2010 by

jimgaffigan

Woody Allen: 
I am at two with nature.

Jerry Seinfeld: 
I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. 
Why does moisture ruin leather? 
Aren’t cows outside a lot of the time? 
When it’s raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, 
“Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! Open the door! 
We’re going to ruin the whole outfit here!” 

Dean Burkey:
Although many find camping relaxing, 
it can still be in tents.

Mitch Hedberg: 
If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. 
“Well, I was lost, but now I live here!” 

Steven Wright: 
Last time I went camping, 
I accidentally borrowed a circus tent. 
I didn’t know until I got there and set it up. 
People complained because they couldn’t see the lake. 
There was a forest nearby, 
but it wasn’t a regular forest. 
It was a forest made out of paneling. 
It was a long, thin forest.

The Great Buster Keaton

Uploaded on Feb 27, 2007 by

Dr Moon Rat

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The Sweaty Cosmic Aardvark Theory of the Universe

Photo Source: 
Aardvark Head
By: Kelly

The Sweaty Cosmic Aardvark 
Theory of the Universe

by
Dean Burkey

We think we’re all that. And in a way, we are. All that and more. And not just the hotties. All of us. Even the villain who invented speed bumps. 

Or the Brainiac who thought planting trees in the middle of the road would make driving safer. 

But only in our own world. 

Our planet Earth is only one of eight or more electrons twirling around the nucleus of the sun. 

The sun is merely one of several more subatomic particles in the Milky Way Galaxy, which itself is one of many, many molecules and a vast array of atomic particles, to the point where ... 

The entire universe, as we know it, is a mere drop of sweat dripping off the nose of The Cosmic Aardvark! 

Think of all the things that mean so much to us. And yet, they’re all just subatomic particles of a subatomic particle in the perspiration of a mega-humongous ant-eating mammal on a hot summer’s day. 

And sure, we don’t want to think of ourselves as being part of the sweat of anything. Cosmic or not. But that’s still light-years better than Ray Divine’s rendition in “The Wholly Libel” where he traces our origin of life back to a certain space alien by the name of Orca 4.5. 

Conversely, just as we exist as mere mini-microscopic members of an electron, our electrons themselves are planets teeming with life. Whole universes thrive inside our every tear. 

Granted, their girls probably aren’t as pretty. And they couldn’t possibly have the Jerry Springer Show. But each electron has a life of its own. 

Sometimes, when I want to get away for a bit, I shrink down to a subatomic level. Always fun to visit new places. And it’s a great way to save on groceries. 

If only the uranium used to run the shrinking device wasn’t so expensive! 

What’s it like visiting subatomic worlds? I’m not at liberty to say. Sworn to secrecy as stated in dictum five of the Scientific Universal Consortium of Kahuna Shrinkers. 

Sucks. I know. 

But dictum five makes sense, since most of what I know could significantly alter the course of human history. But I will say this: 

When you visit a droplet of water, it’s like visiting Disney World, because all the water molecules look like Mickey Mouse. 

(The oxygen molecule with the two smaller hydrogen molecules attached looks just like a Mickey balloon.) 

Makes me wonder if perhaps Walt Disney visited subatomic worlds as well. 

After all, his theme parks always sing about this being a Small World. 

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

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Jim Gaffigan - Holiday Traditions - Beyond the Pale

Uploaded on Mar 12, 2009 by

jimgaffigan

Jerry Seinfeld: 
Can someone please tell me 
what is the deal with B.O.? 
Everything in nature has a function, a purpose, 
except B.O. 
It doesn’t make any sense. 
Do something good
—hard work, exercise
—smell very bad. 
That is the way the human being is designed. 
You move, you stink. 
Why don’t our bodies help us? 
Why can’t sweat smell good? 
Be a different world, wouldn’t it? 
Instead of putting your laundry in the hamper, 
you’d put it in a vase. 
Go down to the drugstore, 
pick up some odorant and perspirant. 
You’d have a dirty, sweaty sock 
hanging from the rearview mirror of your car. 
And then on a really special night, 
maybe a little underwear 
coming out of your breast pocket, 
just to show her that she’s important.

Steven Wright: 
I bought some powdered water, 
but I don’t know what to add to it.

Dean Burkey: 
Might be less gross if, 
instead of saying that’s sweat all over your shirt, 
you just say you spilled something, 
like rainwater, 
or angel tears. 

George Carlin: 
Don’t sweat the petty things.  
And don’t pet the sweaty things! 

Ray Divine: 
Gatorade’s supposed to replace 
what your body sweats. 
But I’ve never oozed yellowish-green liquids like that. 
When did my body start perspiring lemon-lime flavors? 
Your body sweats away what it does for a reason. 
To eliminate impurities. 
So why would anyone want to replace that? 
Isn’t that like making a meal 
out of our own manure?

Kevin James - Sweat the small stuff - 45min Full Length Stand Up

Published on Nov 7, 2013 by

AMAZING TV

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Night of a Thousand Ronald McDonalds

As if clowns weren’t scary enough, 

here’s Ronald McDonald 

looking a little too messianic for my tastes: 

Is he praying for us? 
Or preying on us? 
-------
Photo Source: 
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/a/ad/Ronald_McDonald_in_Thailand.jpg/320px-Ronald_McDonald_in_Thailand.jpg
Description: Ronald McDonald in Thailand
Date: 21 February 2010, 22:46
Source: Thailand
Uploaded by russavia
Photographer: Christopher Michel

-------
And lastly, 
I don’t think that’s his real hair color. 

-------

Night of a Thousand 
Ronald McDonalds

by
Dean Burkey *

Have you seen the Taco Bell commercial 
where they show a bunch of guys 
named Ronald McDonald 
who like the Bell’s morning menu? 
I.e., the A.M. Crunchwrap, 
the waffle taco, etc. 

Obviously TB’s attempting to imply 
that the clown mascot Ronald McDonald 
likes Taco Bell’s breakfasts better than McDonald’s. 
How silly is that? 

What’s Toyota going to do? 
Find a dozen dudes dubbed Henry Ford 
who appreciate the Prius? 

General Mills could seek out sea captains 
with the last name Crunch 
who like Lucky Charms and Trix. 

And vice versa, 
Quaker Oats could corral army generals 
with the last name Mills 
who crave Captain Crunch. 

And maybe Avon can gather 
a gaggle of gals named Mary Kay 
who like SkinSoSoft. 

Sadly, and regrettably, 
I pondered all that 
as I sat on the bench at Walmart. 
Yep, 
the one with the plastic Ronald McDonald. 

The Ronald McDonald. 
Not one of those Taco Bell stand-ins. 

As if clowns weren’t scary enough, 
he wreaked of cholesterol! 

No sooner had I leaned back 
and gawked at the colorful clown, 
when suddenly, he blinked. 

He blinked; I gasped. 

But as I yelped and fled, 
Ronnie McDonnie ran after me! 

And that crazy clown runs fast. 
Like the metallic dude in Terminator 2. 
Or those disgraced Scientology daydream believers 
who sprint in black outfits trying not to be seen. 

Wow! 
McDonald’s really is fast food!

If Run Ronnie Run’s speed 
wasn’t bad enough, 
he kept multiplying like amoebas. 
Or kids in remedial math. 
Or that maddening Mummy 
in “Monster Laughs”. 

The first time he split, 
I blurted out, 
“Super-Size me!”

Being outpaced and outnumbered, 
I couldn’t escape! 
As the oh so many Mister McDees caught me, 
they bared their vampiresque, 
or werewolfish, fangs. 

Fangs?! 
So that’s why Ronald McDonald 
always uses so much ketchup! 

Before those vampirish, 
lycanthropic circus freaks could bite me, 
I awakened back on the bench 
with a balding, but long-haired, 
Walmart worker poking me with a broom handle. 
“You can’t sleep here; we’re closing.” 

Although startled, and still half asleep, 
I said, 
“You can’t be closing. 
You’re open 24 hours!” 

“Not in a row!” **
he said somewhat sardonically. 

I replied, 
“Hey! That’s a Steven Wright joke.” 

The balding, but long-haired, 
Walmart worker grinned. 

He grinned; I gulped. 

The balding, but long-haired, 
Walmart worker was Steven Wright! 
He must be working up 
a killer routine about Walmart. 
I know that’s gonna be hilarious! 

I felt so flabbergasted, 
I ignored his incessant pleas 
to click my heels together. 

He sighed and said, 
“Since you don’t want to do this the easy way, 
we’ll have to do this the hard way.” 
And then he conked my cranium 
with his broom handle! 

“Oww!” I cried, 
as I awakened in my easy chair 
in front of my TV at home. 
I must’ve seen that goofy Taco Bell ad 
before dozing off. 
At least I didn’t fall asleep 
to that silly commercial 
with the sailors on a submarine 
singing about filet o’ fish. 

But why, oh why, couldn’t I have 
dreamt about Victoria Secret supermodels? 
Or my dream woman Flo. 
(She’s so Progressive!) 
And whatever happened 
to those tremendous T-Mobile girls? 

Hey, 
the heart wants what the heart wants. 
And so does the stomach. 

Hmm. 
What’s this waffle taco 
I keep hearing so much about? 

Apparently, 
a lot of clowns like it. 

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

* Except for a Steven Wright joke. 

** That’s the Steven Wright joke you heard so much about. Here’s the original version:

Steven Wright: 
Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. 
When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. 
I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” 
He goes: “Not in a row!”

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Waffle Taco - Guess Who Loves It | 2014 Taco Bell® Breakfast

Published on Mar 26, 2014 by
Taco Bell

Mitch Hedberg: 
Every McDonald’s commercial ends the same way: 
“Prices and participation may vary.” 
I wanna open a McDonald’s 
and not participate in anything. 
I wanna be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. 
“Cheeseburgers? 
Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets.” 

Jerry Seinfeld:
They [dogs riding in cars] have a hard time. 
They stand up; they sit down; 
they can’t handle the turn either way. 
No matter which way you turn, he’s not ready. 
They don’t know what to do. 
And then comes the great moment of frustration. 
You stop someplace and get something to eat. 
This kills him. 
You get a hamburger, this blows his mind. 
“Instant food whenever you want it?” 
You know what this means to him? 
You ever see the look on his face? 
He looks over at you. 
“How’d you get that? 
Are they giving it to everybody now? 
You think I could get one?” 
They can’t get anything.

Dean Burkey: 
McDonald’s is famous for their golden arches. 
They must’ve grown up wearing 
golden corrective footwear.

Phyllis Diller: 
The best way to get rid of kitchen odors is to eat out.

Steven Wright: 

 I saw a subliminal advertising executive, 
but only for a second. 

A few may find some of the following offensive, but most will find this hilarious!

Jim Gaffigan - Mr. Universe - "McDonald's"

Published on May 11, 2012 by

jimgaffigan

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A Dean Reads Book Review: Malcolm Gladwell’s The Tipping Point

A Dean Reads Book Review: 
Malcolm Gladwell's 
The Tipping Point

(How Little Things
Can Make a Big Difference)

Another fascinating and intriguing book! 

The Book Description on Amazon says: 
“The tipping point is that magic moment 
when an idea, trend, or social behavior 
crosses a threshold, tips, and spreads like wildfire. 
Just as a single sick person 
can start an epidemic of the flu, 
so too can a small but precisely targeted push 
cause a fashion trend, 
the popularity of a new product, 
or a drop in the crime rate. 
This widely acclaimed bestseller, 
in which Malcolm Gladwell explores 
and brilliantly illuminates the tipping point phenomenon, 
is already changing the way people 
throughout the world think 
about selling products and disseminating ideas.”

Gladwell cites the three rules of epidemics: 
The Law of the Few; 
The Stickiness Factor; 
and The Power of Context. 

Other fascinating issues dealt with 
how a handful of kids gave Hush Puppies a resurgence. 
They liked them, because they were retro; 
and no one was else was wearing them. 
But being trendsetters, 
soon most everyone else started wearing them too. 

He even points out why and how 
Paul Revere did a much better job than William Dawes 
of warning the colonists that the British were coming. 
(I dare say that had only William Dawes rode, 
we’d be about due for afternoon tea and crumpets. 
Plus, we’d have to drive on the left side of the road 
and sing Long Live the Queen.) 

Relating to the drop in the crime rate, 
the Broken Windows theory plays a big part. 
This theory which was created 
by criminologists James Q. Wilson 
and George Kelling 
states, as cited by Gladwell: 
“If a window is broken and left unrepaired, 
people walking by will conclude 
that no one cares and no one is in charge. 
Soon, more windows will be broken, 
and the sense of anarchy will spread 
from the building to the street on which it faces, 
sending a signal that anything goes.” 
Gladwell then showed how this theory played out 
regarding the level of crime on New York subways. 
Once the authorities cleaned away the graffiti 
and stopped people from sneaking onboard without paying, 
violent crimes dropped significantly. 
Crazy to think that a little graffiti can get someone killed, 
but that seems to be the case. 

He also talked about 
how Big Bird saved Sesame Street. 

His suggestion for preventing teens 
from becoming addicted to cigarettes 
is for the tobacco companies 
to lower the amount of nicotine they use. 
(But I doubt they’ll do that, 
since they thrive on teens becoming addicted. 
They need a new generation 
to replace the ones that keep dying off.) 

In a sense, 
this book presents another type 
of David and Goliath story 
where little David efforts leads to Goliath outcomes. 

If you want to gain more insights into how life works, 
read the books of Malcolm Gladwell. 

If you just want to laugh and have a good time, 
read mine. 

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

Other Books by Malcolm Gladwell:

  

You might also enjoy my book reviews of:
Outliers: The Story of Success by Malcolm Gladwell

Malcolm Gladwell's David and Goliath

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The Tipping Point: Why You Need to Read It

Published on Apr 16, 2013 by
Savvy Sexy Social

Brian Regan: 
Reading is hard. 
You ever try that? 
I read good. 
Goodly. 
But I hate when you're trying to read something 
and you come across the expression 
'One thing led to another'. 
What in the h*ll kind of lazy writing is that? 
Isn't that your job as the writer 
to tell me how this led to that? 
You can just throw that in there? 
"Adolf Hitler was rejected as a young man 
on his application to art school... 
One thing led to another... 
And the United States dropped two atomic bombs 
on the sovereign nation of Japan." 
This is some pamphlet!

Ray Divine: 
What can be said about a town 
where bookstores close, 
but tattoo parlors abound? 

Dean Burkey: 
Reading is fun and mental. 

Groucho Marx: 
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. 
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Jim Gaffigan:
You ever talk about a movie 
with someone that read the book? 
They're always so condescending. 
'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.' 
Oh really? 
What I enjoyed about the movie? 
No reading.

JIM GAFFIGAN - Standup Comedian Video

Uploaded on Dec 30, 2011 by

comediansandspeakers

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