Hearty Humor

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if you enjoy Heaven-Bent Humor. 
Thank you.


Source: François Detemmerman
Photo Source:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/5/5c/Traffic_Lights.jpg/640px-Traffic_Lights.jpg

Hearty Humor

by
Dean Burkey

I want my heart to be in the right place. 

So I don’t want to wish anyone ill. 
Except maybe the guy who invented speed bumps. 

Me personally. 
I don’t come in like a wrecking ball. 
I’m not a home-wrecker. 
I don’t want to the be the third thumb. 
Or the extra nostril. 
Especially during cold season. 

The only three-way I like 
involves peanut butter, chocolate, and bananas. 

With computer dating, 
women judge you 
by the size of your motherboard. 

When it comes to relationships, 

what goes over big are honesty 
and all that sensitivity crap. 

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

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1997 MDA Telethon - Jerry Lewis and Jerry Seinfeld

Uploaded on Aug 18, 2009 by

Muscular Dystrophy Association

Rodney Dangerfield: 
One year they wanted to make me poster boy
... for birth control.

Jerry Seinfeld: 
I was audited last year. 
I have been through an audit.
Even though I.R.S. kind of sounds like Toys R’ Us, 
they’re not fun people. 
There’s things they could do to liven up the audit. 
I think they should take all your receipts 
and put them in one of those 
big, lucite sweepstakes drums, 
and just crank it around—you know, 
give you a feeling like you might win something. 
Then they can pull ‘em out one by one and go, 
“Oh, I’m sorry. That’s another illegal deduction. 
But we do have some nice lovely parting gifts for you 
... Jail.”

Dean Burkey: 
Youth is wasted on the young. 
Spandex is wasted on the elderly. 

Rod Schmidt: 
I brought a mirror to Lovers’ Lane. 
I told everybody I’m Narcissus.

Steven Wright: 
I love to go shopping. 
I love to freak out salespeople. 
They ask me if they can help me, 
and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?” 
Then they ask me what size I need, 
and I say, “Extra medium.”

Hilarious Clean Comedian Dennis Regan

Published on Nov 10, 2013 by

Tim Grable

EvilTwinStore

Remember, It Isn’t Paranoia, If …

Remember, 
It Isn’t Paranoia, 
If …

by
Dean Burkey

Photo Source: Happy Hill Asylum Costume

Remember, 
it isn’t paranoia, 
if … 

you start fires. 

That’s pyromania. 

They sound alike, 
so it’s easy to get confused. 

Just remember, one’s chilly; 
and the other’s hottie. 

One goes well with marshmallows; 
and the other. … 
Well, the other could too. 

How about this? 
With one it’s much easier to make s’mores; 
with the other? 
Not so much. 

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

Speaking of hotties, ...

banned commercial by Mercedes

Uploaded on Jul 27, 2007 by

Paschalis Argryroudis

Jerry Seinfeld: 
You know you’re getting old 
when you get that one candle on the cake. 
It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.” 

Woody Allen: 
I was in analysis, 
you should know that about me. 
I was in group analysis when I was younger, 
‘cause I couldn’t afford private. 
I was Captain of the latent paranoid softball team. 
We used to play all the neurotics on Sunday morning. 
Nail-biters against the bed-wetters. 
And if you’ve never seen neurotics play softball, 
it’s really funny. 
I used to steal second base, 
and feel guilty, and go back. 

Dean Burkey: 
What’s the appeal of cats? 
They’re like raising adolescents. 
Only you can’t make cats mow the lawn and wash the car. 
Oh wait, that is the same as adolescents. 

Mitch Hedberg:
I tried to throw a yo-yo away. 
It was impossible. 

Steven Wright: 
Everywhere is within walking distance 
if you have the time. 

Brian and Dennis Regan - Stand Up Comedy

Uploaded on Nov 1, 2011 by

IWJAF