I got blasted in my right calf
by an electron-neutralizing ray.
Owwww!!!
Fortunately, the three-headed alien I rescued
was able to patch me up.
At least well enough so I wouldn’t have a scar.
The middle head helped.
The other two kept bickering the whole time,
bad-mouthing the Terran.
(Me.)
So I whispered to the middle head,
that he (it) might want to consider
undergoing a head-ectomy or two.
I don’t know why creatures from other dimensions
and distant galaxies don’t trust Earthlings.
So I got patched up,
but my right calf still hurt.
Takes several days for the electrons to realign.
Left me with a slight limp too.
So I had to tell loved ones and curious interlopers
that I had a Charley horse.
Claimed it just hit me
while I was running around Lake Hollingsworth.
Other times,
saving the universe takes longer than I anticipated,
so I don’t get much of a chance to sleep.
So the next day,
I tell loved ones and nosy busybodies
how I had difficulty sleeping the night before.
So I guess the hardest part
about being an intergalactic, time-traveling superhero
is having to lie to everyone all the time.
Feels hypocritical of me
to say I stand for Truth, Justice,
and Organic Dark Chocolate-Covered Ginger,
when I have to lie to protect my secret identity.
But then again,
protecting my secret identity
means protecting those I love.
Also means I won’t get calls
every time someone can’t find their car keys!
Or a cat gets stuck up a tree.
Or there’s a kitchen fire.
Or a clogged toilet.
I once had a girl ask me to go back in time
to prevent her from breaking a nail!
Isn’t that crazy?!
The resources needed
to operate a time-displacement device are astronomical.
Well, of course, I obliged.
Did I not mention she had blue eyes
and wore a pink Supergirl shirt?
How could I say no?
Silly girl broke her nail five minutes later anyway.
So back in time I went again.
She said please.
And she laughed at all my jokes.
After the fifth time,
I told her that maybe her nail was meant to break.
She laughed.
And I wasn’t even joking!
But hey, a free laugh is a free laugh.
So I didn’t have the heart to tell I wasn’t joking.
Which meant I had to go back in time
twenty more times for a silly fingernail.
At some point,
space aliens from the seventh planet
around Aldebaran abducted her.
So I figured, finally some quiet!
But not really,
while abducting the nail-breaker,
the Aldebaranians busted the muffler
on my neighbor’s Ford Explorer.
Bye-bye annoying nail-breaker;
hello loudness!
But it’s cool, if I ever miss her,
I can always go rescue her.
Or I could just fix Trevor’s muffler.
And finally enjoy some quiet.
Until the next noisy, intergalactic,
time-traveling crisis comes my way.
Owwww!!!
Fortunately, the three-headed alien I rescued
was able to patch me up.
At least well enough so I wouldn’t have a scar.
The middle head helped.
The other two kept bickering the whole time,
bad-mouthing the Terran.
(Me.)
So I whispered to the middle head,
that he (it) might want to consider
undergoing a head-ectomy or two.
I don’t know why creatures from other dimensions
and distant galaxies don’t trust Earthlings.
So I got patched up,
but my right calf still hurt.
Takes several days for the electrons to realign.
Left me with a slight limp too.
So I had to tell loved ones and curious interlopers
that I had a Charley horse.
Claimed it just hit me
while I was running around Lake Hollingsworth.
Other times,
saving the universe takes longer than I anticipated,
so I don’t get much of a chance to sleep.
So the next day,
I tell loved ones and nosy busybodies
how I had difficulty sleeping the night before.
So I guess the hardest part
about being an intergalactic, time-traveling superhero
is having to lie to everyone all the time.
Feels hypocritical of me
to say I stand for Truth, Justice,
and Organic Dark Chocolate-Covered Ginger,
when I have to lie to protect my secret identity.
But then again,
protecting my secret identity
means protecting those I love.
Also means I won’t get calls
every time someone can’t find their car keys!
Or a cat gets stuck up a tree.
Or there’s a kitchen fire.
Or a clogged toilet.
I once had a girl ask me to go back in time
to prevent her from breaking a nail!
Isn’t that crazy?!
The resources needed
to operate a time-displacement device are astronomical.
Well, of course, I obliged.
Did I not mention she had blue eyes
and wore a pink Supergirl shirt?
How could I say no?
Silly girl broke her nail five minutes later anyway.
So back in time I went again.
She said please.
And she laughed at all my jokes.
After the fifth time,
I told her that maybe her nail was meant to break.
She laughed.
And I wasn’t even joking!
But hey, a free laugh is a free laugh.
So I didn’t have the heart to tell I wasn’t joking.
Which meant I had to go back in time
twenty more times for a silly fingernail.
At some point,
space aliens from the seventh planet
around Aldebaran abducted her.
So I figured, finally some quiet!
But not really,
while abducting the nail-breaker,
the Aldebaranians busted the muffler
on my neighbor’s Ford Explorer.
Bye-bye annoying nail-breaker;
hello loudness!
But it’s cool, if I ever miss her,
I can always go rescue her.
Or I could just fix Trevor’s muffler.
And finally enjoy some quiet.
Until the next noisy, intergalactic,
time-traveling crisis comes my way.
George Carlin:
If you try to fail, and succeed,
which have you done?
Jerry Seinfeld:
A recent survey stated
that the average person’s greatest fear
is having to give a speech in public.
Somehow this ranked even higher than death
which was third on the list.
So, you’re telling me that at a funeral,
most people would rather be the guy in the coffin
than have to stand up and give a eulogy.
Dean Burkey:
I told a lie once.
The only time I ever told a lie.
Was just now.
When I said,
“I told a lie once.”
Mitch Hedberg:
I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid
is really clean.
I would imagine a vodka bottle
is really drunk.
Steven Wright:
I was coming back from Canada,
driving through Customs,
and the guy asked,
“Do you have any firearms with you?”
I said: “What do you need?”
If you try to fail, and succeed,
which have you done?
Jerry Seinfeld:
A recent survey stated
that the average person’s greatest fear
is having to give a speech in public.
Somehow this ranked even higher than death
which was third on the list.
So, you’re telling me that at a funeral,
most people would rather be the guy in the coffin
than have to stand up and give a eulogy.
Dean Burkey:
I told a lie once.
The only time I ever told a lie.
Was just now.
When I said,
“I told a lie once.”
Mitch Hedberg:
I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid
is really clean.
I would imagine a vodka bottle
is really drunk.
Steven Wright:
I was coming back from Canada,
driving through Customs,
and the guy asked,
“Do you have any firearms with you?”
I said: “What do you need?”
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