Voted The Best Religion Joke

Voted The Best Religion Joke

 
Photo Source: http://rateyourmusic.com/artist/emo_philips

Uploaded on Apr 15, 2010 by
DickButt1349

Check out this article Emo Philips wrote 

for The Guardian, Wednesday 28 September 2005:

The best God joke ever - and it's mine!

Here’s an animated video based on that same joke: 

Uploaded on Jun 30, 2010 by

JokeToons

Emo Philips: 
“I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, 
and he said, 
“I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” 
I said, “You’ll be sorry.” 
He said, “Oh yeah? Why?” 
I said, “Well, 
you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”

Emo Philips: 
I discovered my wife in bed 
with another man and I was crushed. 
So I said, “Get off me, you two!”

Emo Philips: 
I got a letter from the IRS. 
Apparently I owe them $800. 
So I sent them a letter back. 
I said, “If you’ll remember, 
I fastened my return with a paper clip, 
which according to your very own 
latest government pentagon spending figures 
will more than make up for the difference.” 

Emo Philips: 
A computer once beat me at chess, 
but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

All the Best,

Dean

P.S. This was previously posted at my former Comedy Jokes Blog, before Google deleted it for reasons that are still unclear to me. 

   

More hilarious religious jokes by Emo Philips:

Uploaded on Jul 5, 2011 by

mindreader54

I'm in Smokepoint's New Music Video

I'm in Smokepoint's 
New Music Video
"Escape from Braddock Forest"

Escape From Braddock Forest

Published on Feb 28, 2013 by

Smokepointband

They saved the best for last, because I don't appear until the end, around the 3:48 mark. 

Please watch the whole thing.  Not just because my part won't make much sense if you don't, but because everyone involved did a super job in creating a fun, energetic video.

I auditioned on Friday, Jan. 25 and got the part! 

(Obviously! Otherwise this blog post might be chicken jokes or something silly. "Not that there's anything wrong with that!" as Seinfeld might say.) 

My part took two days of shooting! 

To be clear, they did more than just shoot my part on those two days. But still, I got to enjoy their delicious craft services twice! :o)

All I knew was that I was the neighbor of some girl; and I run in the woods. Thinking about what that might mean made me feel ill. An adult neighbor in the woods with some kid? Ew! Sure, a gig's a gig, but still! Fortunately, the "girl" turned out to be a woman; and the director dispelled my fears, assuring me that I was not portraying Captain Creepy. In fact, the woman watches me; I don't watch her. I don't even know she's there! 

We shot the me-stressing-out-in-a-car scene which starts around 3:48 in the video on Wednesday, January 30 at the house of a friend of someone from the production company. The Google Map directions threw me off a bit due to a street having a different name, but once I saw the cars lining the road and the big production truck in the driveway, I knew I'd found the right place. 

A neighbor stopped by and asked to speak to whoever lived there, so someone said that the owner wasn't there. The look on the neighbor's face was priceless. Like why are there 30 or so people milling about a house when the owner's not there? That incident made me laugh for a couple of days.  

The forest scene was shot on Day 4 of the video shoot, which was Friday February 1. My part in the woods begins around the 4:04 mark in the video. 

The above is the only picture of me in the shirt I wear in the video, because it was so cold, I wore a long-sleeve shirt over my T-shirt when I wasn't being filmed. 

All I needed to do was looked frightened and then run through a bunch of vines. Only problem was, I was supposed to be running for my life, without running past the golf cart with the film crew! Maybe I'm a method actor, 'cause when I run for my life, I run fast! 

I had a blast. Everyone was professional and fun. And I know two days of shooting sounds like a lot of hard work; and it was, for the production people and the other performers, but most of the time I sat around eating and talking to beautiful people. 

Smart beautiful people, because they had the good sense to bring jackets, blankets, and/or scarves, whereas I just brought a long-sleeve shirt. One of the performers had seen a Mitch Hedberg show! So I got paid to eat, talk to smart beautiful people, and share Mitch Hedberg jokes! Yes, my life is truly blessed.

To be more accurate, most of the time, I sat around thinking that I shouldn't eat, because I was going to be running. But then I'd get so hungry, I'd think I should eat a little something. The food looked and smelled so good, how could I resist? And so I would eat just a little something. And the food tasted so good, I'd eat just a little something more. And then just a little something more. And then just a little bit more. And then I'd think, okay, that was enough. More than enough. I shouldn't have eaten so much! But then I'd see dark chocolate-covered granola bars and eat some more! 

After they shot the footage they wanted, I dashed to Mitchell's Coffee House to perform in the First Friday Show with the ImprovAddicts! 

The ImprovAddicts' Ha-Ha's & Java's & More Ha-Ha's! Show
February 1 at Mitchell's Coffee House
Photo by Nathan Waters

The next morning, I went back to NFocus to rehearse for a presentation about Florida Southern College for the Lakeland Chamber of Commerce dinner at The Lakeland Center. That was a busy, but fun, several hours with the video, the show, and the rehearsal. Good times. 

Special thanks to Smokepoint for an awesome rocking song, NFocus Visual Communications, Inc. for an excellent production, and the Jess Anderson Talent and Model Agency for getting me the audition!

If Andy Warhol's words are true, about each person getting his/her own 15 minutes of fame, I've easily got another 14 minutes and 50 seconds coming!

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

  

P.S. 
This first joke below is the joke that started 
the whole Mitch Hedberg conversation, 
because I looked at a monitor 
that showed a shot of the woods 
and said the opening line about Bigfoot being blurry. 
I then said that was a Mitch Hedberg joke; 
and then we started saying his jokes back and forth! 

Please Note: 
These jokes read much funnier 
if you know how Mitch Hedberg sounds. 
His delivery is half the comedy, 
so if you've never heard him perform before, 
you might want to watch the video below first!

Mitch Hedberg
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. 
It's not the photographer's fault. 
Bigfoot is blurry. 
And that's extra scary to me, 
because there's a large, 
out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. 
Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here! 

Mitch Hedberg
When we were on acid, we would go into the woods... 
'cause when you're in the woods tripping, 
there's less likely a chance 
you'll run into an authority figure. 
But we ran into a bear. 
That was even more of a buzzkill. 
My friend Dwayne was standing there 
raising his right hand, 
swearing to help prevent forest fires. 
We got away from the bear, 
he put his arm around my shoulder, he said 
"Mitchell... Smokey is way more intense in person!"

Mitch Hedberg
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. 
She does live in a trailer; she made it half-way. 
She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. 

Mitch Hedberg
I called the hotel operator; 
and she said, "How can I direct your call?" 
I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!'; 
and I'll begin to dial. 
And when I say 'Goodbye', 
then you can yell 'Cut!'" 

Mitch Hedberg
I wanted to buy a candle holder, 
but the store didn't have one. 
So I got a cake.

P.P.S. 
On March 26 and 28, 
please enjoy two of my tributes to Mitch Hedberg.

Mitch Hedberg on the Late Show 3/12/03

Uploaded on Nov 8, 2007 by

krupsjustsayin

Mitch Hedberg's last performance on the Late Show with David Letterman 

(with guest host Elvis Costello)

A Dean Reads Book Review: Breaking Comedy's DNA

A Dean Reads 
Book Review!
Of Jerry Corley's
"Breaking Comedy's DNA"

Breaking Comedy's DNA

Reviewed 

by Dean Burkey

I’m an avid reader of books and an enthusiastic watcher of videos about how to create comedy. Always searching for the ever elusive secret to comedy. ‘Cause once I find it, I will rule the world. 

Yes, one day, you will all bow before me; and call me Skippy! 

Make that King Skippy. 

But don’t worry, I’ll be a benevolent ruler. Nothing like that other world leader we hear so much bad press about. 

Which reminds me, I need to adjust the A.C. 

Anyway, after I find the secret to comedy and use my newly-earned billions, make that trillions, and my surefire laugh-getting abilities to take over the planet, I’ll make sure the next big discoveries are supermodel clones and a tasty non-fat chocolate that gives everyone who eats it super powers! 

So really, my ruling the world will be a win-win-win for everyone! 

Cool deal? 

Okay, call my search for the secret to comedy a passion. 

Or an obsession. Whatever. 

But wanting to discover the secret to comedy; and having enjoyed Jerry Corley’s YouTube videos on how to write comedy, I thought: Where better to learn the intricacies of comedy and how to write jokes? Than from the Joke Doctor himself! The founder of the Stand Up Comedy Clinic: Jerry Corley!

So I had to get his book! And I’m glad I did too. I enjoyed it a lot! 

Jerry teaches more than the same old rehashed theories I found in other books on the same subject. He also provides practical methods for creating comedy too. 

When working for the Tonight Show, he used to write over 120 jokes a day, which was why he developed some of the methods he shares in his book. 

[I wrote over 100 jokes one day, but those were mostly Tom Swifties. {See my previous posts: The Easiest Jokes to Write! (Part 2) and Swifties.} Tom Swifties are fun, sometimes funny, but usually not hilarious. Fortunately, the joke-writing techniques this book teaches far exceed the limitations of mere Tom Swifties.] 

Jerry teaches not only in an informative manner, but in a fun and humorous way too. Joking as he writes about writing jokes. 

If you want to learn how to write jokes, this book will teach you that and more. 

I give the book 5 out of 5 stars! 

The only thing that I thought was strange; (and I may have had an earlier version of the book), is: 

Why would a guy who can write well over 100 jokes a day use some of the same joke examples more than once? 

Jerry?! 

What’s the deal man?

All the Best,

Dean

Breaking Comedy's DNA

Click Here to Learn More!

Please Note: 
I was not paid to write this review.
I purchased my own copy of the book. 
I make a commission off the sale of this book, 
but I would not recommend it, 
nor promote it, if I didn’t like it.
Thank you,
Dean

Please Note: 
The following contains some language 
that some fine folks may find offensive. 

Jerry Corley Talks Comedy Structure

Uploaded on Apr 7, 2011 by
StandUpComedyClinic

How to Write Comedy - Jerry Writes 15 Jokes in 30 minutes (No Music)

Uploaded on Aug 9, 2011 by
StandUpComedyClinic


Jerry Corley
[Losing my hair is] embarrassing sometimes.  
Like this morning, 
my wife was running her fingers through my hair.  
But I already left for work.


Jerry Corley
There are several commercials on TV 
featuring Dr. Robert Jarvik, 
the inventor of the artificial heart.  
I’m thinking “inventor?!”  
My ex-wife has had an artificial heart for years!

Jerry Corley

A cop pulled me over the other day. 

He said, “Do you know how fast you were going?” 

I said, “You think at that speed, 

I’d risk taking my eyes off the road 

to check the speedometer?”

I Dream of the DirectTV Genie

I Dream of 
the DirectTV Genie

by 

Dean Burkey

Supermodel Hannah Davis
as the DirectTV Genie

If the DirectTV Genie gave me three wishes, I can assure you, that none of them would be about programming. 

After all, the only reason we watch TV is because we don't have someone mega-gorgeous granting us wishes! 

Which is why we never see Brad Pitt, Bradley Cooper, or especially Derek Jeter winning contests about TV Trivia. 

And yes, I admit it, one of my wishes would be about obtaining spider powers. 

The other two would revolve around everlasting love and chocolate. 

If I could choose only one wish?  Hmm.  That depends.  

Is the chocolate fat-free without tasting fat-free? 

And would the spider powers include web-shooters? 

All the Best,

Dean

Jerry Seinfeld
Where lipstick is concerned, 
the important thing is not color, 
but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

Phyllis Diller
No matter what you look like, 
marry a man your own age. 
Then as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.


Anjelah Johnson

Uploaded on Feb 7, 2007 by
ComedyTimeDir

The Funniest Joke in the World

The Funniest Joke in the World

 
Photo Source: http://www.maniacworld.com/Funniest-Joke-In-The-World.html

Author Unknown: 

Two hunters are out in the woods 

when one of them collapses. 

He doesn't seem to be breathing 

and his eyes are glazed. 

The other guy takes out his phone 

and calls the emergency services. 

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" 

The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. 

First, let's make sure he's dead." 

There is a silence, 

then a gunshot is heard. 

Back on the phone, 

the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Read the official article here from CNN: 
Official! World's funniest joke

More Jokes:

Jackie Mason: 
My grandfather always said, 
"Don't watch your money; watch your health." 
So one day while I was watching my health, 
someone stole my money. 
It was my grandfather.

Bob Hope / Gene Perret:

They say animal behavior can warn you 

when an earthquake is coming. 

Like the night before that last earthquake hit, 

our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.

Author Unknown: 

A guy shows up late for work. 

The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" 

The guy replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

Jack Benny:

Jack Benny walks down the street, 

when a mugger pulls out a gun and says: 

"Your money or your life!" 

An extremely long silence follows. 

Waving his gun, the mugger repeats: 

"Your money or your life!" 

Finally Benny says: "I’m thinking it over!"

Uploaded on Dec 19, 2006 by

Chadner

 

 

All the Best, 
Dean

P.S. This was previously posted at my former Comedy Jokes Blog, before Google deleted it for reasons that are still unclear to me. 

God on the Radio?

Thank you to everyone who ordered items 

via my Amazon links last month. 

Together we raised over $5 

for people facing crisis situations. 

Doesn’t sound like much, but every amount helps. 

When you want to buy from Amazon, 

please use my links. 

Won’t cost you anything extra; 

and you may save a life or two. 

Possibly several. 

God on the Radio?
by Dean Burkey

Photo Source: http://www.freestockphotos.biz/stockphoto/1749

Old Multiple Band Radio On White Background

by: Johnny Magnusson (Website)

I was driving home last night, feeling all alone, when the radio played “Home” by Phillip Phillips. 

The song said, “Know you’re not alone.” And that encouraged me. 

As if the Cosmic Force that holds the universe together took the time to offer me some reassurance. 

Of course, it’s not an exact science. 

Another time when I drove home, feeling all alone, the radio played, “Who Let the Dogs Out?” 

Blessings & Joy,

Dean

Published on Aug 2, 2012 by
PhilPhillipsVEVO

Swifties

Swifties

by Dean Burkey

 
Photo Source: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1401230687

Tom Swifties: 

“A steamroller ran over me,” he said flatly.

“See?  The oasis was just another mirage,” he said dryly.

“Seven days of exercise camp; and I still don’t feel any stronger,” he said weakly.

“I slid into home and made a run,” he said safely.

“He threw me out the window,” he said painfully.

“My stock portfolio plummeted,” he said barely.

“I’ll add more laundry detergent,” he said gainfully.

“I’ve finished another masterpiece,” gloated William Shakespeare playfully.

“I’ve lost all my cartilage,” he said disjointedly.

“Will you marry me?” he asked engagingly.

“I have four ventricles once again,” he declared wholeheartedly.

Blessings & Joy,

Dean

P. S. For more fun with Tom Swifties, see my previous post: The Easiest Jokes to Write! (Part 2)

P.P.S. For more fun with comedy every week day, check out: Comedy Jokes Blog

Uploaded on Jul 19, 2009 by
DisneyShirley

Click Here for More Taylor Swift Merch