Although Lorde likes to sing how we’ll never be royals, apparently Lakeland’s own quackless swans are!
But unfortunately, pestilence and predators ravaged these fine-feathered fouls, with a smiling gator gobbling the last swan in 1954.
How sad to think of such a magnificent bird suddenly reduced to a single-sized serving of Purina Alligator Chow.
But hey, a hard-working gator’s gotta eat too. Not everybody can live on dreams and rain-soaked lily pads.
Meanwhile, across the Atlantic, upon hearing the tragic news, former Lakeland resident Mrs. Pickhardt asked the Queen to intervene.
‘Cause that’s what makes Britain Great. When Brits have a problem that needs sorting out, they ring the queen. “Oh Queenie, we’re in a bit of a sticky wicket with our water birds. Do be a doll; and lend us a hand; won’t you love? Cheerio!”
Having a surplus of swans frolicking in the waves of the Thames, Queen Elizabeth graciously volunteered to send us a pair of mute swans for free. Absolutely free. We just had to pay a shipping and handling fee of $300.
Not to sound ungrateful, but back in 1954, stamps were only 3 cents each.
But then again, the “handling” included capturing the swans; and having someone check to make sure we got one of each gender.
Plus, the swans would surely fly first class. Nothing but the best for the royals. Fine-feathered or otherwise.
Meanwhile, the non-royal people and pets on the same flight would scrunch together in the cargo bay, without even a packet of peanuts for a snack.
But back in 1954, 300 bucks could buy a lot of Lincoln Logs; and most people find those much more fun. Seems you just can’t build anything with birds, no matter how royal or majestic they may be.
Plus, Lincoln Logs don’t bite; don’t eat all your bread; and best of all, don’t poop on your shoes!
But back in 1954, 300 bucks could buy a lot of Lincoln Logs; and most people find those much more fun. Seems you just can’t build anything with birds, no matter how royal or majestic they may be.
Plus, Lincoln Logs don’t bite; don’t eat all your bread; and best of all, don’t poop on your shoes!
Eventually, however, a former visitor to Lakeland coughed up the cash to cover postage costs; and in 1957, a pair of mute swans moved to Lake Morton.
These weren’t ordinary swans. No sirree. These swans descended from the swans Queen Beatrice gave to Richard the Lion-Hearted as a thank you for his accomplishments in the Crusades.
I think the attached gift card said, “Hey Ritchie, way to go with the Crusades, enjoy the birds.”
Of course, I wouldn’t even be writing this post now, if Richard the Lion-Hearted’s personal chef’s cookbook contained at least one decent recipe for Swan Tetrazzini.
Now, many a fortnight later, Lakeland city workers round up the swans each year to have a veterinarian check their health, to prevent the previous pesky pestilence mishap from happening again.
And they warn all the alligators: “Look guys, you can eat the pets of the common folk. And maybe even some of the common folk. But keep your teeth and claws off the royal birds! Poodles, yes. Yapping Chihuahuas, please! Swans, no. And when you see any pets dressed in silly sweaters and funny hats, feel free to enjoy an all-you-can-eat buffet.”
The gators even got permission to snack on swans that speak. Only the mute ones are a no-no.
The aquatic reptiles agreed, but it’s hard to believe a word they say, because they always sneer that sinister smile.
And I think one or two of them had their claws crossed behind their bumpy backs.
Nearby Kissimmee, Florida is home to the Regal Swan Foundation! Cities just don’t do that for ordinary birds.
It’s a nonprofit swan research group. Well, duh! Like swan research would ever be a big moneymaker.
Special Thanks to Damion Boyce and golakeland.com for the article: “THE HISTORIC SWANS OF THE CITY OF LAKELAND”; John Chambliss and the Lakeland Ledger for the article “Lakeland, Swans Will Get a British Royal Emissary”; and to Ryan Raiche and ABC Action News WFTS Tampa Bay for the article “City workers catch Lakeland's iconic, resident swans ahead of health check-up”.
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Lorde - Royals (US Version)
Published on Jun 18, 2013 by
Royal Baby Jokes
from Late Night Talk Shows: *
Jimmy Fallon
from “Late Night”:
Did you guys hear? It finally happened!
Kate Middleton gave birth to a baby boy today!
Yep, the baby weighed about eight pounds,
then Americans were like, “How much is that in dollars?”
That’s right, Kate Middleton
went into labor this morning in London.
When the rest of the Royal Family heard,
they were like, “Oh my God — what’s ‘labor’?” *
Stephen Colbert
from “The Colbert Report”:
There is a royal baby!
And the world is in the grips
of postpartum jubilation. *
Craig Ferguson
from “Late Late Show”:
Now, there were just very few people
actually in the room for the birth.
Just Prince William, of course, the father.
Kate Middleton’s mother.
And Neil Patrick Harris, I believe was there.
Yeah well, he does the Tonys, the Emmys,
the Royal Birth.
He’s there! And you know what?
He makes it better! *
Jay Leno
from “The Tonight Show”:
Can you believe the media coverage?
You’d think it was Kim Kardashian
and Kanye West having the kid.
It was unbelievable. *
Conan O’Brien
from “Conan”:
The royal baby was born today.
But don’t worry, America
— we still have Honey Boo Boo.
Bookies say the odds are 11:2
that the royal baby will be named “George”
after his great-great grandfather, King George VI.
And the odds are 100:1 that he will be named “George”
after the George Foreman grill.
Kate Middleton had her baby.
The royal baby is 8 pounds,
but you can’t really put a price on a child. *
* Special Thanks to The Washington Post for the article: “Letterman, Leno and O’Brien get in on royal baby jokes late-night”, the source of these talk show royal baby quotes/jokes.
Monty Python And The Holy Grail - Help Help I'm Being Repressed
Published on Jul 15, 2012 by
EvilTwinStore
