People often ask me, instead of my writing about hanging out with Nessie and Bigfoot, space travel, and history-altering time trips, why don’t I share a normal, charming moment from my childhood?
Okay, fine. I just figured that would be boring for everyone else. But hey, I’m here to please. And if that’s what you really, really want, then here you go:
from My Childhood”
I remember a fine mid-to-late March day when I was seven.
As hand-me-downs in which to play around, I got my brother’s old Halloween superhero costumes, which he outgrew in more ways than one, so I had the choice of becoming Superman or Aquaman.
Hmm. However will I choose? One soars through space with the mightiest of powers. And the other one talks to fish and sleeps in the tub.
As hand-me-downs in which to play around, I got my brother’s old Halloween superhero costumes, which he outgrew in more ways than one, so I had the choice of becoming Superman or Aquaman.
Hmm. However will I choose? One soars through space with the mightiest of powers. And the other one talks to fish and sleeps in the tub.
Must’ve been a Saturday. Or a Teacher Work Day. Flowers bloomed. Butterflies fluttered. Bees buzzed about the sweetly scented citrus blossoms. Songbirds sang a thousand songs to welcome spring. And disembodied, transient beings from another dimension took over my parents.
Somehow, I just knew that taking over others against their will wasn’t the right thing to do, so I hurried as fast I could to save my parents from those intergalactic dimension-hopping, body snatchers!
Of course, at age seven, I just referred to the disembodied, transient beings from another dimension, a.k.a. intergalactic dimension-hopping, body snatchers, as those icky things.
Of course, at age seven, I just referred to the disembodied, transient beings from another dimension, a.k.a. intergalactic dimension-hopping, body snatchers, as those icky things.
Obviously, I did what any kid in that situation would do. I captured a pigeon with a box using Saltine crackers as bait and a stick with a string attached as the ingenious locking device.
I’d seen enough TV shows by then to know, if you want to contact a secret government organization, you need to use a carrier pigeon.
And the one I caught looked just as carrier-ish as any of ‘em.
Of course, that was before email. Or shoe phones. Or hacking into Norad and the SETI programs became the proper protocol for such instances.
Having just learned how to write, I took my time writing the note I would attach to the pigeon as soon as it fell asleep.
Of course, I had to use an Early Reader Scholastic Dictionary to make sure I spelled disembodied transient beings from another dimension correctly.
Did I mention what a good thing it was that I checked too, ‘cause I spelled dimension dimention. Whew! Glad I caught that! Wouldn’t want NASA, or wherever this pigeon would fly to, to think I was just a kid.
Using my bright yellow, official, patented, Cubs Scout neckerchief scarf, I covered the squirming pigeon’s pesky beak, as I attached my rescue note to its left leg.
But just before I released the pigeon to rescue my parents, I yanked off my message and threw it away.
Sure, I wanted to free my parents. What kid wouldnt’? But these disembodied transient beings from another dimension liked tacos!
That’s how I knew my parents had been taken over, ‘cause they only liked boring foods, like cole slaw and casseroles; not fun foods, like spaghetti and tacos.
So I handed the pigeon another Saltine and wished him well. After watching him soar away, I went inside and ate another taco. Yummy!
Those disembodied transient beings from another dimension must’ve been from outer space, ‘cause they seemed mighty pleased when I prepared a pitcher of Tang.
If we’ve learned anything from the space program, it’s that only beings from outer space truly appreciate all the goodness that gets stirred into a glass of Tang.
So I handed the pigeon another Saltine and wished him well. After watching him soar away, I went inside and ate another taco. Yummy!
Those disembodied transient beings from another dimension must’ve been from outer space, ‘cause they seemed mighty pleased when I prepared a pitcher of Tang.
If we’ve learned anything from the space program, it’s that only beings from outer space truly appreciate all the goodness that gets stirred into a glass of Tang.
Turned out those disembodied transient beings from another dimension couldn’t stay for more than 24 hours anyway. ‘Cause the next night, we had meatloaf.
Mitch Hedberg:
I don’t have any children,
but if I had a baby,
I would have to name it.
So I would buy a baby naming book.
Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on!
Emo Philips:
I like going to the park
and watching the children run and jump around,
because you see,
they don’t know I’m using blanks.
Dean Burkey:
I was such a difficult child.
Soon after I was born,
my parents tried to take me back to the hospital.
But when it comes to babies,
the hospital has a strict No-Return Policy.
Ray Divine:
Children live in a magical dream world.
I don’t see why reality has to ruin that.
Happy music should play wherever we go.
With colorful birds chirping along in tune.
And candy falling from the sky.
But healthy candy,
so as not to impede upon the pleasure.
And every woman should be dressed
like a magical princess.
Especially cocktail waitresses and masseuses.
That would lead to a lot of happy endings.
Steven Wright:
