Wouldn't you rather have your HUMOR be Heaven-Bent than bent the other way?
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I started buying junk food. I tried to eat healthy, but whenever I’d buy healthy food, it would go bad before I ate it. So I figured I might as well buy food I’m gonna eat. We’re supposed to eat at least five servings a day of fruits and vegetables. A can of Sprite’s gotta be two servings, ‘cause that’s lemon and lime. So I just need to drink two cans of Sprite and wolf down a strawberry Toaster Strudel; and then I can eat junk food.
Bill Cosby: A word to the wise ain’t necessary. It’s the stupid ones who need the advice. Mitch Hedberg: I think a rotisserie is a really morbid Ferris wheel for chickens. We will take a chicken, impale it, and then rotate it. Spinning chicken carcasses make my mouth water. I like dizzy chickens! Dean Burkey: Adding chocolate and coconut to fruits and nuts makes everything taste like a healthy Mounds bar. Steven Wright: There’s a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air. George Carlin: I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
To get back at my boss for firing me, I tried to slip a Mickey into his drink. But I messed up. Instead of a Mickey, I slipped in a Goofy. All that did was make him act silly. Which worked out for me, because he acted so silly, he gave me my job back. But then the drug wore off; and he fired me again. So, to stay employed, I have to keep pumping Goofy into his drinks. But sometimes I mess up; and instead of a Goofy, I slip in a Donald. And then he spits all over me when he talks, so I quit!
Mitch Hedberg: A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human. Rita Rudner: I was asking my friend who has children, “What if I have a baby; and I dedicate my life to it; and it grows up to hate me? And it blames everything wrong with its life on me?” And she said, “What do you mean, ‘If’?” Dean Burkey: Chocolate frosting can turn any sandwich into cake. George Carlin: I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Steven Wright: I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Some convicts break out of prison, but others who get released, commit petty crimes to get thrown back in. Do the ones who want to get arrested again get better meals? Maybe they enjoy slop. But then again, some prisons are like resorts. And yet, they’re supposed to be a form of punishment. Good citizens suffering with poverty never had life as good as some vicious, sadistic criminals. Thanks to our misguided penal system. Instead of being a deterrent; it’s more of an enticement. Unless you get thrown into a rinky dink prison. Maybe those are the ones from which convicts escape. Hoping they’ll get caught and thrown into a resort prison. With tennis courts and spas.
Rodney Dangerfield: What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me! Mitch Hedberg: It’s hard to fight when you’re in a gazebo. Dean Burkey: If you smoke candy cigarettes, you will contract lung diabetes. Jerry Seinfeld: So I had my Superman Halloween costume; I was physically ready; I was mentally prepared. And I assumed, when I put this costume on, I would probably look exactly like the Superman I had come to know on television and in the movies. Now you remember these costumes; it’s not exactly the super-fit that you are hoping for! You look more like you’re wearing Superman’s pajamas, it’s what you look like. It’s all loose, and flowing. Neck line kinda comes down to about there. And you got that flimsy little ribbon string holding it together in the back. Of course my mother makes me wear my winter coat over the costume anyway! “I don’t recall Superman wearing a jacket.” Steven Wright: Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories.
Coming Up This Week:* Tuesday: A Mickey Mouse Operation (Includes An Extremely Goofy Movie.) Wednesday: Junk Food (Includes Jim Gaffigan talking about cake.) Thursday: Pining for Nutty Grapes? (Includes John Branyan comedy.) Friday: All the Rage (Includes a Superman and Seinfeld American Express Video.) * Proposed list of posts. Subject to change at any time.
Golden retrievers make great pets. The only problem is, when they come to tell you that Timmy fell down a well, they mumble. “What’s that girl? Timmy doesn’t know how to spell? Jimmy wants to ring a bell? Who’s Jimmy? And where’s he getting a bell?” By the time you figure out what your golden retriever’s trying to tell you, you’re going to need a new Timmy. And you might want to purify the well.
Steven Wright: I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn’t park anywhere near the place. Mitch Hedberg: Imagine if you were a drummer; and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat; the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup. Dean Burkey: If God had wanted men to cry, He would have given us tear ducts. Rodney Dangerfield: My mother had morning sickness. After I was born. Phyllis Diller: Aim high; and you won’t shoot your foot off.
Gary the guard raced down the hall to the execution chamber. “Stop! Wait!” He sighed, having arrived before the executioner threw the switch. Although a hardened criminal, convicted of murder and double parking, Chad “The Knuckles-Cracker” Morrison’s eyes moistened. “Have I been given a reprieve?” he asked, hoping to live another day, since this was Fried Fish Friday at the Pennsylvania Penitentiary. (A.k.a. The Penn Pen.) Gary shook his head, held out his thermos, and said, “Naw. My coffee cooled off, so I thought I’d get you to hold it for a warm-up.”
Rodney Dangerfield: I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west! Phyllis Diller: I once wore a peek-a-boo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo. Dean Burkey: Someone dies every thirteen minutes, because of negligent driving. So if you’re going to drive negligently, only do so in increments of twelve minutes or less. Steve Connelly: The doctor says he has to amputate all of me. Steven Wright:
So I finally conquered my fear of going through the portal. How did I stop being scared? I’m afraid to tell you. But when have I ever withheld secrets from you? Well sure, that, but everyone keeps that secret. Well that too, not as many people are as forthright with that information as you think. Instead of lying, or making up bogus statistics, I at least have the honesty and the maturity to say: “None of your bee’s wax!” So then, other than that, and a whole slew of other secrets that you don’t even know I’m keeping, which is, of course, why they’re called secrets, when else have I withheld any secrets from you? Never mind! So anyway, ... I opened a portal to another dimension again, simply because I like how they look. And I find the whirring sound somewhat soothing. After enjoying that sensation for a few moments, I went to turn off the trans-dimensional traveling device, since lately, everyone seems to be so O.C.D. about conserving resources; and since the uranium started making my skin glow-in-the-dark. As I reached for the off button, I slipped on a panel from the uranium housing and fell through the portal. Toppled to be more precise. With a loud, resonating shriek, I landed in a world similar to ours, minus our modern-day conveniences. Landing with an echoing thud, I killed the leader of that dimension. Wait, that doesn’t sound right! I saved the mindless minions under that fascist dictator’s regime. And sure, if those creatures, which I gallantly rescued, existed in our universe, we’d spray them with Raid and be done with them. But in their dimension, in their world, I was hailed as a conquering hero! Woefully, the way they hail heroes in that realm involves buzzing a lot and biting incessantly, so I returned home. Lying in a tub, soaking in insect-bite ointment, I savored the fact that I stopped an evil dictator and freed the citizens of another dimension. Wow! I so love being the hero! But I’m no hero. I’m just a guy with a homemade trans-dimensional jumper who tripped through an open portal and landed on a super villain. Not much different than Dorothy’s destruction of the Wicked Witch of the East in “The Wizard or Oz”. Except that the munchkins didn’t bite her. Or if they did, she wasn’t allergic. So next time, I’ll watch where I’m walking, especially around an open portal, and do my best to find an alternate dimension that’s hypoallergenic.
Mitch Hedberg: If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. “Here’s a drink, Mitch; it’s ice cold.” “I guess I could lick it.” Steven Wright: I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. Dean Burkey: The sommelier said my glass of Pinot Noir needed to breathe. So I gave it mouth-to-mouth. Rodney Dangerfield: My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. George Carlin: Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
Okay, so I finally opened a portal to another dimension. It wasn't easy. But when is it ever? Well, sure. When you've got the Turbo Deluxe Portal-Opener 3000, it's always easy. But I don't have that yet. It's on my Birthday Wish List every year, but I can't convince Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, and Richard Branson to pool their fortunes together to buy me one. I don't even have the Acme Portal-Popper 2.0. Not even magic beans and an aluminum foil helmet! I have to make do with my wits. Yeah, that's all I'm working with here. So I used masking tape, uranium, and a kazoo, along with some leftover parts from a broken toaster; and whammo! I opened a portal to another dimension! All that I've ever wanted awaited me. I just had to jump through and hope for the best. Or is it hope for the best and jump through? Either way, I couldn't do it. It's like trying to date again, after giving your heart and soul to a raving psycho. Tends to make you shy. Or more shy. Hesitant even. They say "Fools rush in!" Am I Not Foolish Enough to Rush In? Because I know several people who will argue that I am more than the maximum amount of foolish. But after what happened to the Fargon dimension and that crazy place where they worshiped "HeeHaw", I hesitated. Worried that I might accidentally unleash havoc on some unsuspecting universe. I try to bring joy and laughter wherever I go, but sadly, it doesn't always work out that way. The problem? My best guess is: Petty jealousy on the part of others. I flew over the cuckoo's nest; and they're jealous, 'cause they're still sitting there, trying to lay eggs. Obviously, I don't mean you. I mean the people you can't stand. You know the ones. And come to think of it, knowing them, they're probably jealous of you too. So you know exactly what I'm going through. I'm so glad we could share this bonding moment.
Mitch Hedberg: I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that. Steve Martin: There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won’t stand for that. Dean Burkey: From the soon-to-be revised edition of Heaven-Bent HUMOR: The DEAN Adventures: ‘Tis better to have loved a deranged psycho and fled for one’s life, than never to have loved at all. Steve Connelly: I listen to the police band on my CB radio. Once I dialed 911 and dedicated a crime to my girlfriend. Steven Wright: My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she’s asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
