Online Dating

Photo Source: Internet Browsing by Petr Kratochvil

Online Dating

by
Dean Burkey

Why don’t the people 
who post pictures on dating sites 
realize when their photograph 
makes them look possessed? 
I get it. Maybe the lighting was bad. 
Or you surrendered your soul to Beelzebub. 
But either way, use a different picture! 

Some women ask on dating sites: 
Isn’t there one decent guy in the whole world? 
Then they describe what they’re looking for. 
And none of that has anything to do with decency. 

Height, wealth, looks. 
You can have all that and still be a stinker. 
In fact, having all that might make you a stinker. 

Lots of women say in their dates ads 
that they don’t like drama. 
I say forget them! 
Law and Order’s an awesome show! 


And they say they’re not into guys who play games. 
But what’s wrong with Uno? 
Monopoly? 
And Spin the Bottle? 
;oP
Obviously, 
those babes aren’t any fun anyway. 

To all the ladies who say 
they’re looking for their Romeo: 
You don’t want to find your Romeo. 

If you don’t believe me, 
read the play! 
Romeo dies! 
Juliet dies! 
Lots of people die! 

If that’s what you want, 
get off dating sites 
and just hook up with Dr. Kevorkian. 

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

For more dating fun, 
check out my previous post:
Daunting Date Ads

Bad Dates are Good Jokes

Published on Apr 26, 2013 by Melissa Villaseñor

Jerry Seinfeld:
Dating is pressure and tension. 
What is a date really, 
but a job interview that lasts all night? 
The only difference between a date and a job 
is that in not many job interviews 
is there a chance you’ll wind up naked at the end of it.
“Well Bill, the boss thinks you’re the man for the position. 
Why don’t you strip down 
and meet some of the people you’ll be working with?”

Susie Loucks:
I was on a date recently, 
and the guy took me horseback riding. 
That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.

Dean Burkey: 
Here’s a great way to break up with someone: 
Tell her she’s too sexy for you. 
She’ll be hurt that she got dumped, 
but flattered that you think she’s so hot. 
Of course, if she’s a psycho nut job, 
she may disfigure herself to become less sexy 
and try to win you back. 
Let me tell you ladies, 
that ploy never works.  

Alex Kirlik:
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. 
I said, "I'll be the one 
driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." 
Never found her, 
but when I got home my place was robbed. 

Author Unkown:
Found at:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1322475/Researchers-official-50-funniest-jokes-time.html
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, 
phoned her up to arrange a date, 
but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Stand Up Comedy | Toronto Comedian Jokes About Online Dating

Published on Mar 14, 2013 by Toronto Magician The Magic Guy

EvilTwinStore

YouTube Ads Are Driving Me Mads

Photo Source: http://fiverr.com/paramlowe/put-your-150x60-logo-banner-for-3-months-on-my-youtube-channel

YouTube Ads 
Are Driving Me Mads

by
Dean Burkey

Ads on YouTube can be so annoying! 

Even if you click to watch a commercial, 
they will still make you watch another one, 
before you can watch the one you want. 

Sometimes the ads are longer 
than the videos you want to watch. 

A 10-minute ad to watch a 3-minute video?
Get real YouTube!

And sure, 
they’ll give you the option to Skip the Ad. 
Sometimes. 

But if you keep skipping, 
don’t they just send you more ads? 

They’ll even interrupt a relaxation video 
to give you an ad. 

Maybe they figure you’re too mellowed out 
to hit the Skip the Ad button. 

Their favorite time to make you watch commercials 
is during self-hypnosis videos. 
You’re trying to stop smoking. 
Or lose weight. 
Or stop committing random acts of kind pyromania. 

And, as soon as you’re entranced, 
they run ads. 

Which is the real reason 
why I ordered those twelve cartons of toilet paper. 

I don’t have a condition. 
Glandular or otherwise.

But I do worry about what they mean 
when they say that the toilet paper’s recycled. 
Gulp!

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

Fainting Goats - Very Funny

Uploaded on Dec 18, 2006 by Brett Eldridge

Bill Cosby: 
Every father says the same thing: 
“Where’s your mother?” 

Rodney Dangerfield: 
I tell ya’ when I was a kid, 
all I knew was rejection. 
My yo-yo, it never came back!

Dean Burkey: 
If you are addicted to placebos. 
Do you have a drug problem? 
Or a sweet tooth? 

Mitch Hedberg: 
Hey, someone said, 
“Hey Mitch, do you lift weights?” 
And I said, “No, but I do set weights back down. 
So if you get up there; and you need help, call me. 
I’ll take you to the next level!” 

Steven Wright: 

If at first you don’t succeed, 

destroy all evidence that you tried. 

We might not all agree with everything he says and does, 
but this is one rock-solid comedy set: 

Funniest Stand up Comedy Ever by Jim Carrey

Uploaded on Apr 30, 2009 by HomersOmar

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Bonus Post: Get The DEAN Adventures FREE Sept. 19-23, 2013

Bonus Post: 

Get The DEAN Adventures FREE 
Sept. 19-23, 2013

by
Dean Burkey

Heaven-Bent HUMOR: The DEAN Adventures

NEWLY UPDATED!

Wouldn’t you rather have your humor be Heaven-Bent than bent the other way?

Whether Dean backpacks with Bigfoot in Bermuda, time-travels with movie stars, or inadvertently destroys worlds beyond ours, this guy knows how to have fun! Enjoy his crazy, quite possibly insane, adventures!

What will Dean do with the billions he makes by his books? Find out inside! And encourage billions of others to do so too. Especially if they buy them all and pay full price!

Inventive, funny, suspenseful, each story provides a mini-vacation away from the burdens of your day. So get your ticket to fun now; and start reading. Destination: Comedy! Guaranteed to make you laugh.*

Before you buy this book, take a Look Inside!

Check out the Table of Contents! Depending on how you define adventure, the actual “adventures” don’t start until “The Perfect Plan: Foiled!” or “My O.B.E.”. We included a few “non-adventurous” pieces to lay the groundwork for the adventures, or because they related somehow, or we just thought they were funny. Or simply to pad the book to make it look more impressive!

Although most of these crazy, intrepid, and entertaining tales stand alone, they still tie together to build to a shock ending.

Snippets

Proof that this is a work of fiction: I did not put peanut butter on the brownies. If you see me eating a brownie without first applying peanut butter, that is not me, but an evil clone, an alien cyborg, or a shape-shifter who must be destroyed! Or given a jar of peanut butter.

Don’t forget to wrap your head in aluminum foil too, so those intergalactic fiends can’t read your mind. Otherwise, no one else in the field of extra-terrestrial relations will take you seriously.
The pinwheel hat is optional.

My secret sources on this matter are uncharacteristically convoluted and unclear about the exact details. But why would somebody post something on the Internet, if it’s not true?

The “handsomest” of them resembled Bigfoot. Only with ZZ Top beards and a Snidely Whiplash mustache. Strange race indeed.
And that was just their women!

I don’t want to be remembered for that! Instead, remember me for my sense of humor, thoughtfulness, and great legs. Best of all would be being remembered for being Katharine McPhee’s trophy husband!

They had the dumbest entertainment too! Some dude in a designer pinstriped suit waved a pocket watch back and forth while chanting repeatedly: “You will do as I say. You will do as I say.”

Never thought I’d wind up in jail.
An asylum? Sure. It’s a such crazy world, you’d be nuts not to go insane.

Don’t fall in love with a psycho; she’ll only break your heart. Or cut it out and feed it to the pigeons.

I’m too exciting for most women. The majority of them want someone boring. It’s true. Their date ads say they don’t want men who play games.
But I say, what’s wrong with Pictionary?
It’s like charades on paper!

Good times to be sure. But if Andy Warhol’s words are true, about each person getting his/her own 15 minutes of fame, I’ve still got another 14 minutes and 57 seconds coming!

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

Photo Source:

The photo of the author running from a Monster Crab

(a.k.a. Crab Cake Gone Wild)

is a mock-up still created by Brad Hudson using footage

from his film project “The Bad Clam”.

The background picture is A Cloudy Blue Sky by Photo Rack.

Bonus Excerpts:

          If you wish history hadn’t been altered; and you’d rather live in a world
where every meal requires copious clumps of ketchup, then blame me.
I just wanted to hang out and be cool with the Holly Boys.
I thought for sure at least one of them would hook me up with a bikini supermodel.
One with a heart of gold, of course, because I’m not shallow.
          Too bad Travolta broke my time machine. Still intent on riding a pterodactyl,
he thought he could push any button he wanted as long as he imagined
where he wanted to go. He even tried clicking his heels together and chanting:
“There’s no place like the late Jurassic period. There’s no place like the late Jurassic period.”

          The government keeps the formula for that synthetic fuel
in a secret underground vault, along with the cures for cancer, rickets, and hiccups;
as well as the formulas for Coca-Cola, KFC original recipe chicken,
and the ingredients of a Big Mac (although a double agent released that information
to the public in the 1970s via a catchy jingle).

... I was placed under armed guard and was supposed to be shot and hung at dawn.
Or as soon as they could decide which to do first.
          Had it not been my execution, I would’ve explained how hanging
gives the shooters a moving target as the body flails around.
But the only suggestion I offered was, “There’s a new way to execute traitors.
You fill them with chocolate, until they smile to death, or burst apart.”

           --“Shut up!” yelled the seedy-looking lad. “I don’t mind a moving target. 
But a yapping one makes it hard for me to think.”
          “Oh really?” I asked.           “Yes!”           I called out, “Everyone yap!”           Constable McBrody talked about how he joined the force so he could make a difference.           Captain McSquint, for some odd reason, blathered on about split ends and his inability 
to find satisfactory hair products that could handle the salt air.           Even Nessie clicked, clacked, and whistled in that way that she does. 
No one else could interpret, except me, so I knew she forgave me. 
She knew I’d never muck up so royally on purpose.           Whereas I bemoaned the fact that I never got to marry a supermodel heiress 
to a chocolate fortune. She wouldn’t even have to juggle or play the ukulele. 
Those talents were just options. Not necessities. She’d still need a heart of gold though. 
Or she’d have to be a super dee duper supermodel. With a heart of silver or bronze. 
At the very least nickel or copper. Possibly pyrite, but only if she’s a contortionist too.           Somehow blocking out our auditory distractions, 
the seedy-looking lad got me in his sights and pulled the trigger.
           Kablam!            Ow! Why did he shoot me?! I’m the funny one!
           Aren’t I? 

To see more, 
Click to LOOK INSIDE!

BUY NOW!

The Perfect Woman?

Melissa Villaseñor - America's Got Talent - Auditions

Uploaded on Aug 6, 2011 by AG T

The Perfect Woman?

by
Dean Burkey

I know that in a previous blog post 
(“My Epic 6-Part ‘Inside-Out’ Adventure!” 
Part 5: “The Perfect Ploy to Take Over the World”), 
I came to the conclusion 
that there is no such thing as a perfect woman. 
But I was wrong. 

Yes, me. 
Yes, wrong. 
Yes, I admit it. 

For I may have, in fact, 
found The Perfect Woman! 
Melissa Villaseñor! 

Yes, Melissa. 
Yes, Villaseñor. 
Yes, The Perfect Woman! 

What makes her The Perfect Woman? 

Besides meeting the basic requirements 
of being what anyone in his right mind 
would call incredibly gorgeous, 
without realizing how truly attractive she is, 
she’s hilarious! 

On top of that, 
she can sing and perform impeccable impressions. 
That means that every night, 
you can enjoy a ménage à ad infinitum. 
So you’ll never get bored! 

Of course, admittedly, 
when you’re engaging in honeymoon activities, 
it’s a bit disconcerting when Owen Wilson 
and Michael Jackson join the foray. 

Ellen DeGeneres seems a bit out of place too, 
but I really like having her around. 

But wait! 
There’s more! 
Now it gets even better! 

Melissa enjoys her solitude. 
That means you two can enjoy time alone too! 
Believe me, 
you’ll want time alone 
after having a ménage à trente! 

That would wear anyone out! 

She’s mega-gorgeous without realizing it. 
Which includes having a smile 
that can melt a heart of stone. 
She’s hilarious and fun. 
Strikes me as a having a heart of gold. 
Sings. 
Does at least thirty amazing impersonations. 
Enjoys her solitude. 
How is she not The Perfect Woman?! 
She so is! 
Whoever woos and wins her heart 
truly wins The Lottery of Laughter & Love! 

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

P. S. Dear Melissa, please don’t sue. Not only would legal action taint my amazing image of you; you’d lose, because everything I wrote is true. 

Melissa Villaseñor's Impressions!

Uploaded on Jan 26, 2011 by Melissa Villaseñor

Melissa Villaseñor's Jokes

Published on Jun 23, 2013 by Melissa Villaseñor

EvilTwinStore

Freaky Spell Checker

Photo Source:
http://www.clker.com/clipart-8005.html
Spellcheck
By: OCAL

Freaky Spell Checker

by
Dean Burkey

The Spell Checker can be kind of freaky. 

I was writing a joke that uses the phrase: 
“a bunch of brewskis”. 

But I forgot to put a space between of and brewskis, 
(i.e., ofbrewskis)
so when I click space after the word brewskis, 
the Spell Checker turned it into the word foreskins. 
That’s freaky! 

Even typing just the word brewskis, 
the Spell Checker will turn that into two words. 
So I guess the Spell Checker doesn’t like to party. 

My Body’s kind of funny. 
(Goofy voice): “Funny looking.” 
(Mock goofy laugh.) 

What I mean is: 
I can run around the lake. 
But then when I finish, I walk with a limp. 

Eventually, the limp goes away; 
and then I run again. 

If I run really far, 
when I finish, I stagger like a drunk. 

So to achieve the same results as running over six miles, 
I can just stay home and kick back a bunch of brewskis.

(I never said it was a funny joke.
Besides, that’s the kind of joke 
you need to see and hear performed, 
not the kind you read.) 

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

P. S. For more Spell-Checker fun, 
check out my previous post: 
Should’ve Used The Spill-Chucker

Also, please check out my previous post: 
Bonus Post: Channel Surfing Is FREE Sept. 5-9, 2013.

This video I found on YouTube makes me laugh every time I watch it!
From what I gather, a sorceress turned Wonder Woman into a pig,
so Batman agrees to do whatever the sorceress requests
to have her change Wonder Woman back before she gets slaughtered.

Batman Sings For Diana - Justice League

Published on May 19, 2012 by metalgodmaiden

Jerry Seinfeld: 
Introducing 'Lite' 
- The new way to spell 'Light', 
but with twenty per cent fewer letters. 

Alex Kirlik: 
I got a calculator; 
and now I can't add without it. 
I got a spellchecker; 
and I can't write without it anymore. 
I got a blow-dryer;
 and now my hair won't dry on its own. 

Dean Burkey: 
People who can’t spell are stoopid.

Author Unknown: 
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, 
how would we know? 

Mitch Hedberg: 
My girlfriend is named Lynn. 
She spells her name "Lynn". 
My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, 
but she spells it "Lyn". 
Every now and then I screw up, 
I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name; 
and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long. 

Some language.

Dave Chappelle on Letterman 1997 Stand up

Uploaded on Jan 14, 2012 by Olivier Dery

EvilTwinStore

Bonus Post: Channel Surfing Is FREE Sept. 5-9, 2013

Bonus Post: 
Channel Surfing Is FREE
Sept. 5-9, 2013

by
Dean Burkey

Channel Surfing [Kindle Edition]

Dean Burkey (Author)

• Don't have a Kindle? Get your Kindle here.

Channel Surfing

Laughs, Chills, Suspense, Thrills

From comedian Dean Burkey, the author of Monster Laughs, Seasons Without Reason, & Exit Strategies, comes an Action-Packed Comedy Thriller!

Surfer dude Brad is dying to catch a big wave; and he does. Die, that is. The big wave catches him.

Paramedics bring him back. But he doesn't come back alone. After sunset, he channels ghosts.

Unable to control the voices blurting out of his mouth, Brad embarrasses himself and others.

Channeling the dead isn't always as fun as it sounds. Especially when slain informant Tony hijacks your vocal chords. Incurring the wrath of those who murdered that rat in the first place.

Detective Rusty hears of Brad's newfound gift and protects him from thugs Ben and Jerry, who aren't as competent as their crime boss hoped. Seeking to avenge his partner's death, Rusty cons Brad into impersonating the informant on the stand.

With danger all around, Tony double-crosses Brad too.

What's a channeling surfer to do?

Action, excitement, and laughter abound in this comedy thriller, which also includes romance and mystery, to provide something fun for everyone.

Excerpts and Snippets

Brad furrowed his brow further.  “How long was I out?”

[Cindy]: “Since yesterday.”  She thought about the bizarre talking-in-his-sleep, or in his case, talking-in-his-coma incident.  “Or less.”

Brad ran his fingers through her curly hair.  She cooed.

He sighed.  “Oh, good.  People who are out longer than that often suffer weird side effects.”


[Brad]: “You hated me being empty-headed; and now I’ve got a convention in here.”


Brad opened his eyes, gawked at the disheveled man before him.  Too clean to be a beggar.  Too unkempt to be a cop.  And too vertical to be a junkee.  “I’m no angel.  Who are you?”

[Rusty]: “I’m no angel either.  But I carry a badge.”

Brad gulped.  Not those guys again.  How did this one get away without having to follow the basic rules of grooming and hygiene?  “Thought of another joke, after you threw me out?”

[Rusty]: “I didn’t throw you out.  I’m crazy enough to believe you.”  Rusty held out his hand.

Brad glowered at Rusty’s hand.  “If only I were crazy enough to believe you, we’d have it made.”  Unkempt or not, he didn’t trust cops.


“Is this place?” He gulped. “Safe?”

Rusty nodded. “I think so. But I get shot at everyday. So safe may mean something different to me than it does to you.” 


“Don’t fret Blondie, you’re not crazy. But the voices in your head are.”


“Hey, Benny.”  Jerry asked, “Where’s your gun?”

“Shut up!”

“That’s coming out of your pay.”

“I said, ‘Shut up!’”

“Whatcha gonna do Benny?  Shoot me?  Ya’ don’t got no gun.”


[Rusty]: “Cheer up.  You don’t look that stupid.”

Brad pounded the dashboard.  “I don’t look stupid at all!”


[Rusty]: “Why do you suddenly make my ex-wife seem emotionally sound?”  Although he and Sheila hadn’t finalized their divorce proceedings, he didn’t believe they could reconcile, so he already considered her his ex-wife.

[Brad]: “You wouldn’t understand, Tin-Man.”

Rusty laughed.  “There’s not a super power in the world that can save you from love.”

Brad blushed.  Love is the ultimate kryptonite.


Disobeying Rusty’s orders, Brad stuck his head out the door.  “Don’t get ice from the machine here.  I need frozen spring water.”

[Rusty]: “I’ll fetch organic, fresh-squeezed, twice-filtered, rain water from a spring surrounded by aloe plants and daffodils.”

[Brad]: “Don’t sweat the daffodils.  Although aloe sounds cool.”


Rusty drove at a steady pace down Beachview Drive. 

Brad fidgeted. “Looks like she misses me.” 

Rusty shrugged. “Or she’s allergic to flowers.” 


“Bad guys go bang-bang at us. We go bang-bang back.”


“I’m a lover, not a shooter. Make love, not shoot.” 

“Aw, that’s sweet. Your gal can say that at your funeral.” 


Before you buy this book, take a Look Inside!

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

Cover Info: 

The cover includes the following pictures: 

Blank Monitor by Petr Kratochvil 

Surfer Goes Airborne by Andrew Schmidt 

A DVD Remote Control Isolated On A White Background by Benjamin Miller 

A Hand In A Business Suit Holding A Pistol by Benjamin Miller 

Bonus Excerpt:

Two muscular male nurses Chip and Mark bounded toward Brad.  

Chip clenched his fists.  Rehabilitated out of a bike gang, he missed the adrenaline rush of a testosterone-fueled, hand-to-hand altercation.  “We’re trying to save this man’s life.”  

“So am I.”  Brad grabbed the gurney.  

As Chip and Mark huddled around him, Brad’s eyes rolled back.  “Back off punks!  Ya’ don’t scare me!”  

As Chip and Mark lunged forward, Brad yelped and ducked under the gurney.  

Dr. Monroe, Chip, Mark, and the rest of the medical team rolled their eyes.  What a goober.  Macho moron afraid of his own shadow.  

While the others considered him an easily frightened coward, Brad unlocked the wheels.  

As Chip and Mark reached under the gurney to nab him, Brad darted out the other side, wielding a scalpel and a hypodermic needle.  “Say, look what I found.”  

While the other medical personnel gasped and backed away, Chip stepped forward with clenched, pulsating fists.  

Brad brandished the scalpel and hypodermic needle.  “Split or be split!”  

To see more, 
Click to LOOK INSIDE!



BUY NOW!

Movie Review: Sharknado

Movie Review: 
Sharknado

by
Dean Burkey

A hokey movie that was somehow brilliant in its hokey-ness. My friends and I enjoyed Sharknado immensely! We laughed so hard. I don’t remember the last time I laughed that hard. We predicted various things; and then they’d happen. So funny! 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

SPOILER ALERT: Weird twist. The girl that likes the lead ends up with his son. And the lead gets back with his wife. That last part made no sense, because his ex-wife was nothing but mean to him the whole time. But then, when he’s covered with shark blood and guts, she kisses him! Um, not that the movie itself made much sense either. But hey, it’s still a fun-filled thrill ride! :o)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Syfy shows this movie again, DVR it before you watch it, because you will want to rewind and pause. 

What I don’t get though is why Syfy put a clip of the big scene from the end of the movie on their website. Why ruin the end? 

Sharks fall from the sky because of a hurricane, and then water spouts, and then a tornado. The movie starts with action and keeps it going. In that way, it was truly brilliant. I wondered how they’d keep things going, but they did. And it was fun. 

Probably just as “real” as most “reality” shows. If you want a factual movie, watch a documentary or a science lesson. But this? This is pure entertainment. An adrenalin rush of fun! 

I thought it was funny when the mentor said, “Birds fall from the sky. Why not sharks?” That might be my favorite line! 

Anyway, we had a blast! Even though we had several interruptions with their kids and such, the movie still kept our high level of interest. 

Watching Sharknado was almost exhausting. Watch with friends! Don’t watch this movie alone. Not because of fear, but because of fun. Watching with friends is what makes a movie like this fun. We all need an audience for our jokes. And with friends, you can build on each other’s comments. Loads of fun. 

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

For more shark movie fun, 
read my previous post: 
Shark Movies

SHARKNADO - Official Asylum Trailer

Published on Jul 10, 2013 by MachinimaETC

Quotes from Sharknado at imdb.com:

Baz: Storm's dying down.

Nova: How can you tell?

Baz: Not as many sharks flying around.
--------------------------------------------------

April: What's wrong?

Fin: Your son wants to go into a helicopter and drop a bomb into the tornado.

April: No, it's too dangerous.

Nova: I'll watch his back. I'll be the bombardier.

April: Then definitely not.

--------------------------------------------------

Nova: We're gonna need a bigger chopper.

--------------------------------------------------

Nova: Why is there a retirement home next to an airport?

Claudia: Because old people can't hear.

--------------------------------------------------

Fin: We can't just wait here for sharks to rain down on us.

-- Quotes from Sharknado at imdb.com

Best Celebrity Sharknado Jokes

Published on Jul 12, 2013 by ENTV

Now DVD, Blu-Ray, & More:



 
Shark Toilet Topper 
Peel 'N Place Party Accessory 
(1 count) (1/Sh)


Big Mouth Toys 
Dashboard Dancers, 
Man Eating Shark