Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humour. Show all posts

Friday, September 5, 2014

Star Warts



'The Star Wars That I Used To Know' 

- Gotye 'Somebody That I Used To Know' Parody

Published on Jun 27, 2012 by


What do you get 
when you kiss Yoda? 


Okay, 
so I gave the punchline 
(Star Warts) 
before the setup. 

Having seen the R2D2 thermos 
and finding that funny, 
I searched for funny videos, pictures, 
jokes, etc. to create today's post. 
Trust Me I'm A Jedi T-Shirt 
Funny Star Sci Fi TEE Knight Wars Humor Yoda

 So have fun; 
and no matter what you accomplish in life, 
may your theme song 
always be written by John Williams. 

 All The Best,


Razzle-Dazzle with Zazzle


(12x18) Come to the Dark Side We Have Cookies
Funny Indoor/Outdoor Plastic Sign

Click Here to Shop at Amazon!

Please Note: 
Some may find the some of the language 
in the following video offensive:

Eddie Izzard Star Wars Cantina

Uploaded on Jun 19, 2007 by
Click Here to Watch 
The Believe Me Movie Trailer

 Author Unknown:
(From: http://www.jokes4us.com/celebrityjokes/starwarsjokes.html)
Q: Why did the angry Jedi cross the road? 
A: To get to the Dark Side. 

 Author Unknown:
(From: http://www.jokes4us.com/celebrityjokes/starwarsjokes.html)
Q: When did Anakin's Jedi masters know 
he was leaning towards the dark side? 
A: In the Sith Grade.


Star Wars "Who's Your Daddy"?
Father's Day Coffee Mug Collectible Novelty 
11 Oz Nice Valentine Inspirational and Motivational Souvenir

 Author Unknown:
(From: http://www.squidoo.com/star-wars-humor)
Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant; 
and Luke’s having trouble.
Finally, Obi-Wan says, 
“Luke, use the forks.”

Dean Burkey:
Jedi Master or not, 
Darth Vader cannot sneak up on people 
with all his heavy breathing. 
Nor can he make a phone call 
without being accused of being obscene. 

Author Unknown:
(From: http://www.jokes4us.com/celebrityjokes/starwarsjokes.html)
Unless you're a Jedi; 
and it's a lightsaber, 
nothing looks good hanging off your belt.

 Author Unknown: 
(From: http://www.squidoo.com/star-wars-humor)
Yoda walked into a bar 
with Obi-Wan and bought a 5 dollar drink.
Seeing that he only had 4 dollars, 
Yoda asked Obi-Wan, 
“Have a dollar do you? 
A little short I am.”
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Thursday, October 24, 2013

Bonus Post: Get Monster Laughs FREE Oct. 24-28, 2013


Monster Laughs [Kindle Edition]

Dean Burkey (Author)
Don't have a Kindle?
Get your Kindle here.

“Monster Laughs”


From the Secret Files of the Mystery Hunter

If you’re like me, you love to laugh; and have fun! Congratulations! Now you can do both, with funny fun fiction from the author of "Heaven-Bent HUMOR: The DEAN Adventures", "How to Write Comedy Jokes", "Seasons Without Reason", "Exit Strategies", "Channel Surfing", and more: Comedian Dean Burkey.

Fear not, laugh a lot, as Paranormal Investigator Eddie Hunter, a.k.a. the Mystery Hunter, matches wits with Count Dracula, the Werewolf, Frankenstein’s Monster, and many other madcap menaces, classic and new, from around the world and beyond.

“Monster Laughs” spoofs monsters and more. In an Odyssey of Oddities, Eddie Hunter tackles the Invisible Man, Space Aliens, and other infamous frights. Further scary topics include romantic misunderstandings, macho insecurities, and diminishing dignity.

No matter how dangerous the situation, the Mystery Hunter keeps his sense of humor, somehow survives, and finds time to enjoy waffles, pie, and bowling. Only he could save the world with bubble gum and burritos.

The beauty of this book, besides being comical, is that each chapter presents its own adventure, while a story weaves throughout.

Busy? Overworked? Stressing out? By this book, you can escape on a monstrously funny mind-trip.

"In my line of work, nothing’s more embarrassing than when the monster laughs."
-- Edward T. Hunter, Paranormal Investigator.

Table of Contents


"Count Dracula Sinks His Teeth into the Big Apple"
To stop the villainous vampire, the Mystery Hunter puts his neck on the line!

"The Howling Werewolf’s Hairy End"
Bring Your Pet to Work Day has never been so deadly! Or so itchy.

"Frankenstein’s Monster Bolts Loose"
Big and green, mighty and mean, the most menacing monster the Hunter’s ever seen. (So far.)

"Doctor Jekyll and Ms. Hyde"
Double the pleasure; double the danger! And with the Hunter involved, double the laughs and mishaps!! And double the indignities and insecurities!!!

"Unraveling the Mystery of the Mummy"
The Mystery Hunter faces more horrors than he’s ever imagined. Is the Mummy out for revenge? Or just running a pyramid scheme?

"Skinny Dipping with the Creature from the Blue Lagoon"
Cannibals, pirates, and sharks, oh my! Also, lost treasure, a whale, a gorilla, a navy seal, and a couple grabby blue crabs. And let’s not forget the web-footed horror of the amphibious Creature! Does the Creature want to kill the Hunter? Or are his desires a fate worse than death? What else would you expect during mating season at the Blue Lagoon?

"The Swinging Tale of the Blue Moon Monkey Man"
The Mystery Hunter encounters a new menace. Before he gets himself killed over a blue banana, the Hunter better solve this case and split!

"Illegal Aliens from Outer Space"
(This Is My Favorite Chapter!)
Worlds turn against the Mystery Hunter, including his own! The galaxy cries out: “Bring me the Hunter!”

"Being Seen with the Invisible Man (Or Not!)"
Although he prides himself on always being prepared, the Mystery Hunter never saw this one coming!

"Challenging the Unchallengeable Charlie Change-O"
The Final Chapter!
Home from a whirlwind, worldwide tour of mystery-hunting, Eddie faces his fiercest foe and solves a mystery he wishes he’d never solved.

"Return of the Blue Moon Monkey Man (And Another Crazy)"
The Final, Final Chapter!
A fiendish foe returns. So does another crazy. And the Hunter makes a monstrously horrifying realization about himself.

Before you buy this book, take a Look Inside!

Inspired lunacy! Zany, quirky, funny, fun. For teens and adults.

Howlie Mandel [The Werewolf] prepared to pounce on me, but then he sniffed a whiff of Penelope’s perfume and barked with bliss. I wondered, deal or no deal.

 “The price is wrong, Mister Barker.” Aiming my weapon at Fuzzy Wuzzy, I called out to my alluring assistant, “Run, Penelope! Run!”

 Slipping on a soiled newspaper, Penelope collapsed to the red carpet. Like I said, lycanthropes aren’t known for being housebroken. Which seems odd, since most of them come from broken homes.

 Salivating like a ravenous shark at a scuba diver’s convention, the Canine Catastrophe bounded across the room to Penelope.

 Aimed and fired my stinky gun, but I hit an electrical panel. After an explosion of sparks, the lights went out.
...

 As Frank’s Fiend [Frankenstein’s Monster] lunged forward, I froze. Semi-froze. I chomped my third bite of pie. If you’ve gotta go, why not go with a smile? Bye-bye smile. Horrified, I gasped when he swung his right hand and flung my pie. My delicious key lime smashed into a wall a block away, held for four seconds, and fell onto the head of a crooked politician in an Armani silk suit. The Incredible Sulk destroyed my pie. The monster!

 With my finger twitching on the trigger, I thawed out and shoved the barrel of my marble-handled, custom-made, sure-shot, seven, count-‘em, seven-shooter into his mouth. I already reloaded my trusty gun with lead bullets, so not only would I conserve silver, I’d give him lead poisoning. The fatal kind. “What do you say for yourself now? Pie-Flinger!”

 “Yummy.” Biting down, the Bolt-Meister bent the end of my marble-handled, custom-made, sure-shot, seven, count-‘em, seven-shooter. Since I could no longer fire, I refroze quicker than leftovers of Tofurky soufflé.
...

 The Mad Grabber [Doctor Jekyll] madly grabbed a double dose of his eerie serum and brandished a hypodermic needle at me. “I’ll show you what horror means!”

 “No need to. I have a dictionary.” With my kitty-like reflexes, I dodged his first swing. “Or I can Google it online.” I sidestepped his second strike too. “Or Wiki will give me -- Ow!” But not the third. Pain shot through my arm. I wobbled. “Was that needle clean?”

 “The needle’s clean; the serum’s not.” The Injection-Meister cackled maddeningly. Not like a villain in a B-movie. He just chortled an annoying laugh that made me mad. 
...

 Maybe Serena was right. Maybe I am “a freaky little fool in an over-sized coat full of goofy gadgets who can’t solve the mystery of himself, much less anything else”. Should I take such cruel words spoken in anger to heart? But why was she mad? Where did I go wrong with her? My monstrous charisma and hunter’s mystique always made her feel so secure. Whenever she saw me, she shouted, “Security! Security!!”
...
Although not wanting to die, I felt relieved Captain Gills [The Creature from the Blue Lagoon] only wanted to kill me.

But just when I thought it was safe to be murdered by a homicidal maniac, ...
To see more, 
Click to LOOK INSIDE!



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Thursday, September 19, 2013

Bonus Post: Get The DEAN Adventures FREE Sept. 19-23, 2013

Heaven-Bent HUMOR: The DEAN Adventures


NEWLY UPDATED!

Wouldn’t you rather have your humor be Heaven-Bent than bent the other way?

Whether Dean backpacks with Bigfoot in Bermuda, time-travels with movie stars, or inadvertently destroys worlds beyond ours, this guy knows how to have fun! Enjoy his crazy, quite possibly insane, adventures!

What will Dean do with the billions he makes by his books? Find out inside! And encourage billions of others to do so too. Especially if they buy them all and pay full price!

Inventive, funny, suspenseful, each story provides a mini-vacation away from the burdens of your day. So get your ticket to fun now; and start reading. Destination: Comedy! Guaranteed to make you laugh.*

Before you buy this book, take a Look Inside!

Check out the Table of Contents! Depending on how you define adventure, the actual “adventures” don’t start until “The Perfect Plan: Foiled!” or “My O.B.E.”. We included a few “non-adventurous” pieces to lay the groundwork for the adventures, or because they related somehow, or we just thought they were funny. Or simply to pad the book to make it look more impressive!

Although most of these crazy, intrepid, and entertaining tales stand alone, they still tie together to build to a shock ending.

Snippets


 Proof that this is a work of fiction: I did not put peanut butter on the brownies. If you see me eating a brownie without first applying peanut butter, that is not me, but an evil clone, an alien cyborg, or a shape-shifter who must be destroyed! Or given a jar of peanut butter.

Don’t forget to wrap your head in aluminum foil too, so those intergalactic fiends can’t read your mind. Otherwise, no one else in the field of extra-terrestrial relations will take you seriously.
The pinwheel hat is optional.

My secret sources on this matter are uncharacteristically convoluted and unclear about the exact details. But why would somebody post something on the Internet, if it’s not true?

The “handsomest” of them resembled Bigfoot. Only with ZZ Top beards and a Snidely Whiplash mustache. Strange race indeed.
And that was just their women!

I don’t want to be remembered for that! Instead, remember me for my sense of humor, thoughtfulness, and great legs. Best of all would be being remembered for being Katharine McPhee’s trophy husband!

They had the dumbest entertainment too! Some dude in a designer pinstriped suit waved a pocket watch back and forth while chanting repeatedly: “You will do as I say. You will do as I say.”

Never thought I’d wind up in jail.
An asylum? Sure. It’s a such crazy world, you’d be nuts not to go insane.

Don’t fall in love with a psycho; she’ll only break your heart. Or cut it out and feed it to the pigeons.

I’m too exciting for most women. The majority of them want someone boring. It’s true. Their date ads say they don’t want men who play games.
But I say, what’s wrong with Pictionary?
It’s like charades on paper!

Good times to be sure. But if Andy Warhol’s words are true, about each person getting his/her own 15 minutes of fame, I’ve still got another 14 minutes and 57 seconds coming!


Photo Source:
The photo of the author running from a Monster Crab
(a.k.a. Crab Cake Gone Wild)
is a mock-up still created by Brad Hudson using footage
from his film project “The Bad Clam”.
The background picture is A Cloudy Blue Sky by Photo Rack.

Bonus Excerpts:


          If you wish history hadn’t been altered; and you’d rather live in a world
where every meal requires copious clumps of ketchup, then blame me.
I just wanted to hang out and be cool with the Holly Boys.
I thought for sure at least one of them would hook me up with a bikini supermodel.
One with a heart of gold, of course, because I’m not shallow.
          Too bad Travolta broke my time machine. Still intent on riding a pterodactyl,
he thought he could push any button he wanted as long as he imagined
where he wanted to go. He even tried clicking his heels together and chanting:
“There’s no place like the late Jurassic period. There’s no place like the late Jurassic period.”

          The government keeps the formula for that synthetic fuel
in a secret underground vault, along with the cures for cancer, rickets, and hiccups;
as well as the formulas for Coca-Cola, KFC original recipe chicken,
and the ingredients of a Big Mac (although a double agent released that information
to the public in the 1970s via a catchy jingle).

... I was placed under armed guard and was supposed to be shot and hung at dawn.
Or as soon as they could decide which to do first.
          Had it not been my execution, I would’ve explained how hanging
gives the shooters a moving target as the body flails around.
But the only suggestion I offered was, “There’s a new way to execute traitors.
You fill them with chocolate, until they smile to death, or burst apart.”

           --“Shut up!” yelled the seedy-looking lad. “I don’t mind a moving target. 
But a yapping one makes it hard for me to think.”
          “Oh really?” I asked.           “Yes!”           I called out, “Everyone yap!”           Constable McBrody talked about how he joined the force so he could make a difference.           Captain McSquint, for some odd reason, blathered on about split ends and his inability 
to find satisfactory hair products that could handle the salt air.           Even Nessie clicked, clacked, and whistled in that way that she does. 
No one else could interpret, except me, so I knew she forgave me. 
She knew I’d never muck up so royally on purpose.           Whereas I bemoaned the fact that I never got to marry a supermodel heiress 
to a chocolate fortune. She wouldn’t even have to juggle or play the ukulele. 
Those talents were just options. Not necessities. She’d still need a heart of gold though. 
Or she’d have to be a super dee duper supermodel. With a heart of silver or bronze. 
At the very least nickel or copper. Possibly pyrite, but only if she’s a contortionist too.           Somehow blocking out our auditory distractions, 
the seedy-looking lad got me in his sights and pulled the trigger.
           Kablam!            Ow! Why did he shoot me?! I’m the funny one!
           Aren’t I? 

To see more, 
Click to LOOK INSIDE!
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Monday, June 3, 2013

Silly Professor


Trivia Question: 
Do you know the name 
of the Professor from "Gilligan's Island"?
(Answer below.)

 Please Note: 
I'm no longer an Amazon Associate, 
so don't feel obligated to order from them via my blog. 
Please buy my books though! ;o)
Also, I'm going to post once a week for a while.

 Silly Professor

The Professor on “Gilligan’s Island” 
could always help each week’s guest stars 
get off the island, 
but never his own group. 

 Odd how someone so seemingly brilliant 
could make bicycles, huts, 
and even washing machines out of bamboo, 
but not a boat. 

 Maybe he was writing a thesis 
on Castaway Syndrome. 

 Or he thought 
if he could keep everyone shipwrecked long enough, 
maybe Mary Ann would finally come around. 

 Or he just liked her coconut cream pies. 

 Or maybe he had the hots for the Skipper or Gilligan. 
After being shipwrecked that long, who knows? 

 Maybe he wrecked the boat in the first place! 
Why else would he bring along an encyclopedia 
and a set of test tubes for a three-hour tour? 



Diet Lard

Uploaded on May 31, 2007 by

George Carlin:
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns, 
because they taste funny? 

 Dean Burkey:
Vegetarian sharks are the reason carrots never go swimming. 

 Mitch Hedberg: 
Magicians disappear all the time, 
but as soon as a regular person does it, 
everyone is all scared. 
“Tom’s gone!” 
“Is he a magician?” 
“No.” 
“Then let’s print up some flyers!” 

 Jerry Seinfeld: 
The big advantage of a book is it’s very easy to rewind. 
Close it; and you’re right back at the beginning. 

 Steven Wright: 
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Brian Regan - Stand Up Comedy - Very Very Funny

Published on May 3, 2013 by
Sam Samson

 Triva Answer: 
The actor's name was Russell Johnson. 
The character's name was Roy Hinkley.
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