Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts

Saturday, February 4, 2017

Volume 2 of "How to Write All kinds of Comedy Jokes" Is Finally Here!



Finally! Volume 2: Types of Jokes & Humor Techniques: From Absurdity to Zeugmas, the last volume in my 4-volume series "How to WriteAll Kinds of Comedy Jokes" is here! (Yes, that's right, I published volumes 1, 3, and 4 already.)

This is my Magnum Opus of writing comedy, especially jokes, with over a hundred different Types of Joke & Humor Techniques from which to choose. The culmination of a lifetime of interest and study into comedy. This will either make my comedy career soar; ruin me forever; have no affect at all; or anything in-between. (Of course, I'm rooting for the first one. You should be too. Otherwise, what did I do to you?)

Each volume builds on the one before, so read Volume 1: How to Write Comedy Jokes first.

If you have positive feedback, leave me a stellar 5-star review.

If you have constructive feedback that's less than a 4-star review, message me privately.

Do the same if you have suggestions and/or if you're a comedian with something truly insightful to say and/or you have a truly hilarious joke that fits into one of the over a hundred categories. I'll quote you; and you can say how you're in this book. 

I don't just quote other comedians though, because I wrote hundreds of jokes for this volume, including at least two examples of each Type of Joke & Humor Technique. So even if you don't want to learn how to write jokes, you can enjoy reading hundreds of jokes! Mine and others.

Took me years to publish; so I hereby thank the reader who semi-recently inquired about volume 2's whereabouts; my brother for his encouragement;; and other significant, but apparently heretofore mysterious, persons and/or reasons of my own.


All The Best,
Dean Burkey
Author, Comedian, 
and Lover of Chocolate



   

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Nature's Way


Rain is nature’s way of watering the flowers 
or wiping out a village. 

Spilled Milk is nature’s way of saying, 
“You better wipe this up fast! 
Or you’ll be stuck with a stench that’ll last!” 

Junk Mail is nature’s way of saying, 
“Stop hoarding! 
I’m trying to teach you how to throw things away!” 

A spider sneaking up on you is 
nature’s way of saying, “Boo!” 

Salsa Dancing is Nature’s way of saying, 
“Being sedentary’s only great when you’re sand.” 

Firestorms are nature’s way of I saying, 
“I was bored; and I found a book of matches.” 

Poison Ivy is 
nature’s way of saying, “Gotcha!” 

Death is nature’s way of saying, 
“Stop breathing.” 

Jim Gaffigan - King Baby - Camping

Uploaded on Oct 27, 2010 by

Woody Allen

I am at two with nature.

Jerry Seinfeld
I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. 
Why does moisture ruin leather? 
Aren’t cows outside a lot of the time? 
When it’s raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, 
“Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! Open the door! 
We’re going to ruin the whole outfit here!” 

Dean Burkey:
Although many find camping relaxing, 
it can still be in tents.

Mitch Hedberg
If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. 
“Well, I was lost, but now I live here!” 

Steven Wright
Last time I went camping, 
I accidentally borrowed a circus tent. 
I didn’t know until I got there and set it up. 
People complained because they couldn’t see the lake. 
There was a forest nearby, 
but it wasn’t a regular forest. 
It was a forest made out of paneling. 
It was a long, thin forest.

The Great Buster Keaton

Uploaded on Feb 27, 2007 by

EvilTwinStore

Monday, February 3, 2014

How About Those Seahawks!


How About Those Seahawks!

How about those sea hawks! 

What mighty birds prey. 
Known better as the osprey. 
Also known as fish eagle or fish hawk. 

For more information about sea hawks, visit: 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Osprey

I’m not sure what the point of that was. 
I didn’t know what to blog about today, 
so someone suggested I write about the Seahawks. 

I have no idea why. 

Owls would’ve made more sense. 

;o)

Kudos to the Seattle Seahawks 
for winning the 48th Super Bowl

Congratulations to Malcolm Smith for winning MVP. 



The Seahawks played a great game. 

The Broncos
Their problems began with the first kickoff return. 
They should’ve taken a fair catch in the end zone 
to start on the 20-yard line. 

The only time they returned a ball past the 20-yard line, 
they fumbled! 

Besides, 
starting on the 20 might have helped them 
avoid the subsequent safety 
which seemed to jinx them for most of the game. 

Although Manning broke the record 
for the most completions in a Super Bowl
the Broncos only scored one touchdown the entire game. 
And that was in the last few seconds of the third quarter. 
I wonder what Malcolm Gladwell* would make of that! 

Both teams are highly skilled to have 
made it to the Super Bowl in the first place, 
but from what I understand, 
the Broncos lost because of too many turnovers. 

The Seahawks didn’t have any turnovers. 

So maybe the Broncos turnovers 
were made with enriched flour and enriched sugar, 
which slowed them down. 

And maybe they felt felt bloated.

Obviously, 
those turnovers didn’t have organic apples or peaches. 
Or we might’ve seen a different game altogether. 

In the future, 
football players should wait until after the game 
to enjoy turnovers. 

Sure, they’re delicious! 
But they’ll be just as delicious after the game. 

And you’ll enjoy them more when you win. 
Because few things taste better 
than victory and apple turnovers. 

Except chocolate-covered, 
bacon-wrapped victory. 

If you’re an athlete; 
and you can wait until after your sporting event 
to enjoy a tasty turnover, 
here’s a recipe you may enjoy: 



http://allrecipes.com/recipe/apple-turnovers/



* Come back next time for my 
Dean Reads Book Review 
of Malcom Gladwell’s book: 
David and Goliath”. 



Seinfeld Reunion Super Bowl Commercial 2014 HD

Published on Feb 2, 2014 by

Steven Wright
No one is listening until you make a mistake. 
Success always occurs in private; 
and failure in full view. 

Author Unknown
A guy finally got tickets to the Super Bowl, 
but his seats were in the nosebleed section 
-- but he didn't care, he had always dreamed 
of going to the Super Bowl. 
So he wants to find a seat closer to where he can see better. 
He finds this seat toward the front 
and he asks the guy next to it 
whether anyone is sitting there.
The guy replies, "No, because my wife just died." 
"Well," says the first man, 
"why didn't you just bring a friend or relative?"
The guy replied, 
"Oh, they're all at the funeral."

Dean Burkey:
Watching football too much can make life unrealistic. 
When you make a mistake, 
you expect to see the replay. 
And when you do something right, 
you feel disappointed 
when no one dumps a cooler of Gatorade on your back. 

Mitch Hedberg
Yeah, I’m not into sports. 
If someone told me I had athlete’s foot, 
I’d say that’s not my foot! 

Ray Divine
Watching Football is lot like watching a sex tape. 
Although you’re not an active participant, 
you still feel great when you see someone score. 



RadioShack Super Bowl 2014 Commercial HD

Published on Feb 2, 2014 by

EvilTwinStore

Nutty Squirrel Shirt
Nutty Squirrel Shirt by EvilTwinStore
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Monday, January 20, 2014

Hearty Humor

Please let me know 
if you enjoy Heaven-Bent Humor. 
Thank you.


Source: François Detemmerman
Photo Source:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/5/5c/Traffic_Lights.jpg/640px-Traffic_Lights.jpg

Hearty Humor

I want my heart to be in the right place. 
So I don’t want to wish anyone ill. 
Except maybe the guy who invented speed bumps. 

Me personally. 
I don’t come in like a wrecking ball. 
I’m not a home-wrecker. 
I don’t want to the be the third thumb. 
Or the extra nostril. 
Especially during cold season. 

The only three-way I like 
involves peanut butter, chocolate, and bananas. 

With computer dating, 
women judge you 
by the size of your motherboard. 

When it comes to relationships, 
what goes over big are honesty 
and all that sensitivity crap. 

All the Best,

1997 MDA Telethon - Jerry Lewis and Jerry Seinfeld

Uploaded on Aug 18, 2009 by

Rodney Dangerfield
One year they wanted to make me poster boy
... for birth control.

Jerry Seinfeld
I was audited last year. 
I have been through an audit.
Even though I.R.S. kind of sounds like Toys R’ Us, 
they’re not fun people. 
There’s things they could do to liven up the audit. 
I think they should take all your receipts 
and put them in one of those 
big, lucite sweepstakes drums, 
and just crank it around—you know, 
give you a feeling like you might win something. 
Then they can pull ‘em out one by one and go, 
“Oh, I’m sorry. That’s another illegal deduction. 
But we do have some nice lovely parting gifts for you 
... Jail.”

Dean Burkey
Youth is wasted on the young. 
Spandex is wasted on the elderly. 

Rod Schmidt: 
I brought a mirror to Lovers’ Lane. 
I told everybody I’m Narcissus.

Steven Wright
I love to go shopping. 
I love to freak out salespeople. 
They ask me if they can help me, 
and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?” 
Then they ask me what size I need, 
and I say, “Extra medium.”



Hilarious Clean Comedian Dennis Regan

Published on Nov 10, 2013 by

EvilTwinStore

Monday, January 13, 2014

We're All Crazy!


We’re All Crazy!

To one extent or another, 
everyone is psychotic. 

Nowadays, 
you’d be crazy not to be. 

If you dont think youre crazy, 
then obviously youre insane. 
Because mentally unbalanced people 
never think theyre wacko. 

And if you think you’re a total nut-job, 
you’re probably right. 
Who else knows you better than you? 

So the best way to succeed in today’s world 
is to foster the right kind of psychoses. 

For instance, 
to succeed in politics, 
be narcissistic and a pathological liar

To make a relationship work, 
make sure both parties are compatible kinds of crazy. 

(Unlike Congress.)

All the Best,

Click Here to Shop at Amazon!

Intriguing and Informative With a Big Laugh Seven Minutes In,
But You Need to Watch Everything Beforehand: 

Snap Judgment Performance of the YEAR! Jamie DeWolf 

The Great Grandson of L. Ron Hubbard

Uploaded on Jul 21, 2011 by


Steve Martin "Excuse Me"

Published on Sep 15, 2012 by

Chris Rock
You know the world is going crazy 
when the best rapper is a white guy, 
the best golfer is a black guy, 
the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, 
the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, 
France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, 
Germany doesn’t want to go to war, 
and the three most powerful men in America 
are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. 
Need I say more?

Rodney Dangerfield
My psychiatrist told me I’m going crazy. 
I told him, “If you don’t mind, I’d like a second opinion.” 
He said, “All right. You’re ugly too!”

Dean Burkey
If you keep doing the same thing over and over again, 
while expecting different results, 
you’re not only crazy; 
you’re boring! 

Mitch Hedberg
You know crazy straws? 
They go all over the place? 
These straws are sane. 
They never lost their mind. 
They say, 
“We’re going straight to the mouth. 
That guy who takes a while to get there? 
He’s crazy.” 

Steven Wright
All of the people in my building are insane. 
The guy above me 
designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
The lady across the hall 
tried to rob a department store. 
With a pricing gun. 
She said, 
“Give me all of the money in the vault, 
or Im marking down everything in the store.”


This is Aaron Weaver; not Martin Lawrence

Aaron Weaver

Published on Nov 14, 2013 by

EvilTwinStore

Monday, December 16, 2013

Ha-Ha-Holiday Humor


Photo Source: Santa Claus - Clown by V K

Ha-Ha-Holiday Humor

Don’t forget Christmas is right around the corner.  
Not this coming one, but the one next year.  
They keep promoting Christmas 
earlier and earlier each year, 
so the only way to keep ahead of everyone else 
is to promote next year’s Christmas 
over a year early.

So have yourself: 
A Very Merry Marketing Ploy for the Masses. 
Make the Yuletide Pay. 

The US should be like the UK 
and have Boxing Day the day after Christmas. 
That way, if you don’t like 
what someone gave you for Christmas, 
you can get him in the boxing ring 
and pummel him for fifteen rounds! 
“I told you I don’t like ties!”


Who is Carol? 
And why did we name 
all the Christmas songs after her?

We always sing “Silent Night” 
and think the first Christmas was so peaceful, 
but honestly, 
I don’t think Joseph and Mary 
got much sleep that night.  
You’ve got the animals making noises; 
an angelic host in the sky praising God; 
and shepherds and wise men 
showing up at all hours of the night.  
Not to mention a bright star 
shining above you the whole time
(Back then, they didnt have sleep masks.)

Have you seen those signs that say 
“Jesus Is the Reason for the Season”? 
Makes it sound like it’s Jesus’ fault 
that it’s so cold and desolate this time of year.

Still such thinking about all this makes me question 
the Divine and All of Existence. 
If God is really All-Powerful and All-Knowing, 
why did He plan His Sons birthday 
so close to Hanukkah? 

All the Best,

Holy Laughter! Humor in the Bible” 
makes a great gift for Christmas. 
Even if you celebrate Hanukkah, 
the first half’s about the Old Testament. 



Click Here to Shop at Amazon!


Christmas Cartoon - Stand-up comedy with animated pictures

Uploaded on Nov 24, 2011 by

Warren Holstein
Breaking News: 
Santa taken out in drone attack. 
War on Christmas ends. 
(From: http://www.jokeblogger.com/hottopic/Christmas?ipp=50)

Patrick McLellan
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, 
but the very next day, you sold it on eBay.
(From: http://www.jokeblogger.com/hottopic/Christmas?ipp=50)

Dean Burkey
Unfortunately, this Christmas, 
we’re all out of partridges in pear trees.  
Might I recommend an ostrich in an orange tree?  
Or a peacock in an apricot tree?  
We also have a goose hen in a tangerine tree, 
but quite frankly, 
that’s not as popular as out other bird - tree combo’s.

Hayden Black
The NRA calls for armed guards 
standing by every single chimney tonight 
in case Santa goes rogue.
(From: http://www.jokeblogger.com/hottopic/Christmas?ipp=50)

Steve Hofstetter
The most heartfelt Christmas greeting 
is one you send to your entire phone via text message.
(From: http://www.jokeblogger.com/hottopic/Christmas?ipp=50)



Michael McIntyre on Christmas and Children - Michael McIntyres Comedy

Published on Jan 20, 2013 by

EvilTwinStore

You Call Yourselves Wise-Men Shirt
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Jolly Seasoned T-Shirt
Jolly Seasoned T-Shirt by EvilTwinStore
See other Season T-Shirts at zazzle

Monday, December 2, 2013

Truth Be Told


Usually when someone says: 
“And that’s no lie”, 
it must be a lie. 

Why else would they deny that it’s a lie, 
unless it is a lie? 
Or else they’ve been lying about everything else. 

People telling the truth don’t have to qualify 
that what they say is true, 
unless some of what they say isn’t true. 

Or that might not be true at all. 

And that’s no lie. 

People claim they want the truth, 
but, 
truth be told, 
fantasy films always outsell documentaries. 

Avatar” grossed $2,782,300,000. 

Who Killed the Electric Car?”: $1,678,874

Sadly, 
“To Tell the Truth” is an outdated TV game show. 
And no longer a way of life. 
Which is why telling the truth isn’t listed 
on the resumes of our country’s leaders. 
Or if it is, 
they lied about it. 

The Truth About Lies (Stand up Comedy)

Uploaded on Apr 21, 2011 by

Tennessee Williams: *
The only thing worse than a liar 
is a liar that’s also a hypocrite!

Winston Churchill: *
A lie gets halfway around the world 
before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Dean Burkey
I’m not accusing you of lying. 
I’m just pointing out areas of artistic license 
where you fictionalized the truth. 

Mark Twain: *
Its no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. 
Fiction has to make sense.

Josh Billings: *
There are some people so addicted to exaggeration 
that they cant tell the truth without lying.

Seinfeld Stand Up - Truth

Published on May 12, 2012 by

EvilTwinStore