Showing posts with label Seinfeld. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Seinfeld. Show all posts

Friday, September 12, 2014

What We Can Learn from the Swiss


What We Can Learn 
from the Swiss

The Swiss are known for being neutral. For avoiding conflicts and staying out of wars. So what lessons can we learn from them? 


Lesson One: Have women dress like that. Who would go to war with ladies this lovely waiting at home? 

Lesson Two: Make chocolate; not war. Swiss chocolate grosses over a billion dollars a year. I don’t think that’s gross at all. But no wonder the Swiss are so neutral. Why wage war when you have chocolate? 

 On average, each Swiss person eats 25.6 pounds of chocolate a year. If you ate that much chocolate you wouldn’t want to fight either. You wouldn’t even want to get out of bed! Especially if your wife wore one of those Swiss Miss Wench outfits and/or brewed beer. 

 Otherwise, the way to win a war is to make all the weapons out of chocolate. Within minutes, no one would have a way to fight. 

Lesson Three: Make your gadgets multi-task. Don’t just make a pocketknife; make a pocketknife with a bottle opener, nail-clippers, and a corkscrew. Maybe they don’t fight, because their knives are too confusing. I meant to stab you, but instead, let me trim your nails and open a bottle of Chianti for you. 

Lesson Four: When all else fails, put holes in your cheese; and yodel. Yodel like the wind! 



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Seinfeld | Stand-Up Compilation

Published on May 24, 2013 by
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 Jerry Seinfeld: 
The Swiss have an interesting army. 
Five hundred years without a war. 
Pretty impressive. 
Also pretty lucky for them. 
Ever see that little Swiss Army knife 
they have to fight with? 
Not much of a weapon there. 
Corkscrews. 
Bottle openers. 
"Come on, buddy, let’s go. 
You get past me, 
the guy in back of me, 
he’s got a spoon. 
Back off. 
I’ve got the toe clippers right here."

Author Unkown: 
Courtesy of Sickipedia.org: 
A Swiss guy, looking for directions, 
pulls up at a bus stop 
where two Englishmen are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" 
he says.
The two Englishmen just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"
The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?"
No response,
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
The first Englishman turns to the second 
and says, "Y'know, 
maybe we should learn a foreign language...."
"Why?" says the other, 
"That bloke knew four languages; 
and it didn't do him any good."
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 Author Unkown: 
From: http://www.englishforum.ch/jokes-funnies/158269-share-jokes-about-switzerland-swiss.html
An American walks into a Swiss bank 
with a giant, heavy sack in each of his hands. 
He goes to the teller, 
brings his face close to the glass and whispers, 
"I have two million dollars with me. 
I urgently need to open a secret Swiss bank account!"
The Swiss bank teller replies in a normal volume, 
"Sir, there's no need to whisper. 
Poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland."

Dean Burkey:
The rigid rules of chocolate clearly state that 
even if you have Swiss chocolatiers 
using Swiss equipment and Swiss ingredients, 
Swiss chocolate isn’t Swiss chocolate, 
unless it’s made in Switzerland. 
Would it work if we make it 
on a mound of Swiss dirt? 
I mean, 
while yodeling and eating holy cheese. 
Maybe if we yodel the Swiss national anthem 
and use a Swiss army knife 
to cut the cheese. 
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 Author Unkown: 
Courtesy of Sickipedia.org: 
We may be $#%& at war, 
but at least our soldiers have well manicured nails, 
are always able to open bottles, 
and are capable of performing minor household repairs.

 Author Unknown: 
Courtesy of Sickipedia.org: 
Just back off a holiday to Switzerland.
I felt sorry for their police officers, 
because they have such a tough job. 
Seeing one of them up to his neck in snow,
I said, 
"Wow, you're having a rough day."
The Swiss policemen sighed and replied, 
"Yeah, it's even rougher on my horse."


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Stewart Francis One Liner Jokes 

(Standup Comedy)

Uploaded on Jan 4, 2011 by
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Monday, February 3, 2014

How About Those Seahawks!


How About Those Seahawks!

How about those sea hawks! 

 What mighty birds prey. 
Known better as the osprey. 
Also known as fish eagle or fish hawk. 

 For more information about sea hawks, visit: 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Osprey

 I’m not sure what the point of that was. 
I didn’t know what to blog about today, 
so someone suggested I write about the Seahawks. 

 I have no idea why. 

 Owls would’ve made more sense. 

 ;o)

 Kudos to the Seattle Seahawks 
for winning the 48th Super Bowl! 

 Congratulations to Malcolm Smith for winning MVP. 

The Seahawks played a great game. 

 The Broncos? 
Their problems began with the first kickoff return. 
They should’ve taken a fair catch in the end zone 
to start on the 20-yard line. 

 The only time they returned a ball past the 20-yard line, 
they fumbled! 

 Besides, 
starting on the 20 might have helped them 
avoid the subsequent safety 
which seemed to jinx them for most of the game. 

 Although Manning broke the record 
for the most completions in a Super Bowl, 
the Broncos only scored one touchdown the entire game. 
And that was in the last few seconds of the third quarter. 
I wonder what Malcolm Gladwell* would make of that! 

 Both teams are highly skilled to have 
made it to the Super Bowl in the first place, 
but from what I understand, 
the Broncos lost because of too many turnovers. 

 The Seahawks didn’t have any turnovers. 

 So maybe the Broncos’ turnovers 
were made with enriched flour and enriched sugar, 
which slowed them down. 

 And maybe they felt felt bloated.

 Obviously, 
those turnovers didn’t have organic apples or peaches. 
Or we might’ve seen a different game altogether. 

 In the future, 
football players should wait until after the game 
to enjoy turnovers. 

 Sure, they’re delicious! 
But they’ll be just as delicious after the game. 

 And you’ll enjoy them more when you win. 
Because few things taste better 
than victory and apple turnovers. 

 Except chocolate-covered, 
bacon-wrapped victory. 

 If you’re an athlete; 
and you can wait until after your sporting event 
to enjoy a tasty turnover, 
here’s a recipe you may enjoy: 

http://allrecipes.com/recipe/apple-turnovers/

* Come back next time for my 
Dean Reads Book Review 
of Malcom Gladwell’s book: 
“David and Goliath”. 



Seinfeld Reunion Super Bowl Commercial 2014 HD

Published on Feb 2, 2014 by

 Steven Wright: 
No one is listening until you make a mistake. 
Success always occurs in private; 
and failure in full view. 

 Author Unknown: 
A guy finally got tickets to the Super Bowl, 
but his seats were in the nosebleed section 
-- but he didn't care, he had always dreamed 
of going to the Super Bowl. 
So he wants to find a seat closer to where he can see better. 
He finds this seat toward the front 
and he asks the guy next to it 
whether anyone is sitting there.
The guy replies, "No, because my wife just died." 
"Well," says the first man, 
"why didn't you just bring a friend or relative?"
The guy replied, 
"Oh, they're all at the funeral."

 Dean Burkey:
Watching football too much can make life unrealistic. 
When you make a mistake, 
you expect to see the replay. 
And when you do something right, 
you feel disappointed 
when no one dumps a cooler of Gatorade on your back. 

 Mitch Hedberg: 
Yeah, I’m not into sports. 
If someone told me I had athlete’s foot, 
I’d say that’s not my foot! 

 Ray Divine: 
Watching Football is lot like watching a sex tape. 
Although you’re not an active participant, 
you still feel great when you see someone score. 

RadioShack Super Bowl 2014 Commercial HD

Published on Feb 2, 2014 by

EvilTwinStore

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Monday, December 23, 2013

Happy Birthday World



Michael Jackson - Heal The World

Uploaded on Oct 2, 2009 by

My birthday’s tomorrow; 
many people celebrate Jesus’ the day after; 
and I’m sure several others 
have birthdays this week too. 
So my theme is: 

Happy Birthday World

This is my way of wishing you 
a Happy Birthday, 
regardless of when your birthday is. 

 But why do we celebrate birthdays? 
We didn’t do that ourselves. 
That’s something our parents did for us. 
And the obstetrician. 
Why aren’t we giving them gifts? 

 Jesus must have the only birthday
 where everybody gives presents 
to everyone else except Him.  

 Granted, He owns the entire Universe.  
Or at least He will, when His Dad dies; 
and He leaves it to Him in His will.  

 But still, I think He’d like something; 
and I don’t think He’s as money-hungry 
as the televangelists want us to think.  

 So what do you give 
to the One Who has everything?  
Well, obviously, 
a coffee mug that says:
“Son Knows Best!”

 Or a monogrammed handkerchief. 

 Maybe even a tie.
Doesn’t have to be silk, 
but those are always nice. 
Like one with the Avengers 
or the Beatles.  

 In fact, 
I’m sure He’d be pleased with almost anything, 
as long as it doesn’t have splinters. 

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Seinfeld on Birthdays

Published on Dec 1, 2012 by

 Brian Regan: 
Birthday party games: 
Pin the Tail on the Donkey? 
There’s a good safe game for kids. 
What are adults thinking? 
“Hey, hey, we’re having a whole bunch of kids over, 
big party, we’re gonna blindfold one. 
Give him something sharp. 
Spin him around and let him go. 
Go Bobby with the pin, just run amok.” 
Poking around. 
“What are those noises?” 
“Those are puncture wounds. 
Bobby stop! 
You made a horrible error.” 
Kids running out the door: 
“He missed the Donkey and got my neck. 
Pin the tail on my neck!”

 Mitch Hedberg: 
People associate long hair with drug use. 
I wish people associated long hair 
with something other than drug use, 
like an extreme longing for cake. 
And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, 
“That guy eats cake!” 
“He is on bundt cake!” 
Mothers saying to their daughters, 
“Don’t bring the cake eater over here anymore. 
He smells like flour. 
Did you see how excited he got 
when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?” 

 Dean Burkey: 
The irony is that the birthday cake they give you 
for surviving another year 
is so sweet and rich in calories that 
it decreases your life expectancy.

 Rod Schmidt: 
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. 
She says if I’m good, 
she’ll give me the other one next year.

 Steven Wright: 
For my birthday, 
I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. 
I put them in the same room; 
and let them fight it out. 
Then I filled my humidifier with wax; 
and left it on. 
Now everything in my house is shiny. 


Seinfeld - "Happy birthday? No such thing"

Uploaded on Dec 15, 2009 by

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Monday, December 2, 2013

Truth Be Told


Usually when someone says: 
“And that’s no lie”, 
it must be a lie. 

 Why else would they deny that it’s a lie, 
unless it is a lie? 
Or else they’ve been lying about everything else. 

 People telling the truth don’t have to qualify 
that what they say is true, 
unless some of what they say isn’t true. 

 Or that might not be true at all. 

 And that’s no lie. 

 People claim they want the truth, 
but, 
truth be told, 
fantasy films always outsell documentaries. 

 “Avatar” grossed $2,782,300,000. 

 “Who Killed the Electric Car?”: $1,678,874. 

 Sadly, 
“To Tell the Truth” is an outdated TV game show. 
And no longer a way of life. 
Which is why telling the truth isn’t listed 
on the resumes of our country’s leaders. 
Or if it is, 
they lied about it. 

The Truth About Lies (Stand up Comedy)

Uploaded on Apr 21, 2011 by

 Tennessee Williams: *
The only thing worse than a liar 
is a liar that’s also a hypocrite!

 Winston Churchill: *
A lie gets halfway around the world 
before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

 Dean Burkey: 
I’m not accusing you of lying. 
I’m just pointing out areas of artistic license 
where you fictionalized the truth. 

 Mark Twain: *
It’s no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. 
Fiction has to make sense.

 Josh Billings: *
There are some people so addicted to exaggeration 
that they can’t tell the truth without lying.

Seinfeld Stand Up - Truth

Published on May 12, 2012 by

EvilTwinStore

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Monday, June 10, 2013

My Favorite Writing Moments


My Favorite Writing Moments

Writing stories is hard. 
Creating worlds from nothing. 
Like trying to put a thousand-piece puzzle together 
without the picture. 
And with many of the pieces missing. 
And several more pieces added that don’t belong. 

 So you sort through the ideas popping into your brain, 
deciding which ones live and which die, 
playing God with the fate and destiny of each idea. 

 You assemble what you have and see gaps 
where pieces are still needed, 
so you fashion makeshift pieces, 
fitting them in as best you can. 
Jimmying and pounding as needed. 

 After you complete the puzzle? 
You set it aside to work on another; 
and then you come back to the previous one 
to see if everything still fits fine. 
Or if extra pieces are needed; 
or if extra pieces need to be removed. 

 At some point, you decide to send it out into the world, 
but in your heart you can always think 
of other things to change. 
But you’ve got to stop rewriting; 
or you’ll never submit your story. 
And worse, 
you’ll never move on to writing other stories. 

 But having said all that, 
it’s fun when everything comes together 
as much as possible. 

 When writing “Exit Strategies”, 
I decided that since there’s a gun; 
and that it goes off, 
someone should get shot; 
and that changed the rest of the story. 
I felt like the story took over; 
and I was just writing what happened! 
That was a hard enough story to write, 
because I kept getting snippets of ideas 
that I weaved together to make into a coherent story. 
But the gunshot enthralled me. 
Created a keen paralleling of previous scenes. 
And although there’s a gunshot, 
I’d say that’s probably one of the most romantic stories 
I’ve ever written. 
(I was trying to reach a wider audience.)
The end result?
It’s like a guy’s movie 
that could be marketed as a chick flick too.
So it’s either brilliant; 
or shows how little I know about romance. 
Or both. 

 I enjoyed writing certain blogs more so than others, 
like the one about the E.T. toy and its sequel, 
the 6-part Inner Earth adventure, 
and the one about how I’d spend the last day on Earth. 
The 8-part Nessie Adventure! 
Those were fun to write. 
I think the E.T. story and its sequel are the two blogs 
that started me writing crazy adventures. 
Like the episode “The Junior Mint” did for “Seinfeld”. 

 Working on “Monster Laughs” was a blast!
Each chapter became its own adventure. 
I felt like I was writing epic mini-movies, not chapters, 
especially the Jekyll/Hyde and Mummy chapters. 
And yet, the story moved forward throughout. 
Characters might reappear here and there. 
Running gags galore!

 I also enjoyed writing the short stores 
“An Ice Memoir” 
(from “Faith like a Ketchup Seed”, 
“Holy Ketchup Seed Comedy Combo”, 
and “A Fire of Coals and an Ice Memoir”) 
and “Fast Food Follies” 
(from “Seasons without Reason”);
where inanimate objects lead such melodramatic lives. 

 I also enjoyed writing my screenplays 
“Sharks on a Plane” and “Foot Loose”, 
where I took crazy, seemingly impossible ideas 
and made them work as emotional stories 
with a sense of humor. 
Those were challenging and fun. 

 I also liked how I made the life of Socrates 
into a comedy of sorts, while still being respectful. 
I tried to present him as creatively as he lived his life. 

 I had a blast rewriting 
“Heaven-Bent HUMOR: The Dean Adventures”, 
because I made the goal of adding 
at least one new joke to each entry. 
And I think there were 57 entries!
Plus I added a fun, new entry for the ending too.

 Fun times.

 And I enjoy the story I’m working on now. 


 Please let me know what you want from my comedy blog. 
Jokes? Stories? 
Which blog posts did you enjoy the best? 
I’d love to hear some kind of tactful feedback. 
Thank you.


Short Editorial

Uploaded on Jun 1, 2007 by

Bill Cosby:
As I have discovered by examining my past, 
I started out as a child. 
Coincidentally, so did my brother. 
My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, 
so to speak. 
She gave me a younger brother named Russell, 
who taught me what was meant by 
“survival of the fittest.”

 George Carlin:
One nice thing about egotists: 
They don’t talk about other people. 

 Dean Burkey:
He’s so focused and direct. 
If there’s a straight shot to something, 
he’ll weave his way around it. 

 Mitch Hedberg:
You know when a company 
wants to use letters in their phone number, 
but often they’ll use too many letters? 
“Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting.” 
Too many letters, man, must I dial them all? 
“Hello? Hold on, man, I’m only on ‘Enjoy.’ 
How did you know I was calling? 
You’re good, I can see why they hired you!” 

 Steven Wright:
What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 

Brian Regan - Very Funny Stand Up Comedy Enjoy

Published on May 3, 2013 by
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