Saturday, February 4, 2017

Volume 2 of "How to Write All kinds of Comedy Jokes" Is Finally Here!



Finally! Volume 2: Types of Jokes & Humor Techniques: From Absurdity to Zeugmas, the last volume in my 4-volume series "How to WriteAll Kinds of Comedy Jokes" is here! (Yes, that's right, I published volumes 1, 3, and 4 already.)

This is my Magnum Opus of writing comedy, especially jokes, with over a hundred different Types of Joke & Humor Techniques from which to choose. The culmination of a lifetime of interest and study into comedy. This will either make my comedy career soar; ruin me forever; have no affect at all; or anything in-between. (Of course, I'm rooting for the first one. You should be too. Otherwise, what did I do to you?)

Each volume builds on the one before, so read Volume 1: How to Write Comedy Jokes first.

If you have positive feedback, leave me a stellar 5-star review.

If you have constructive feedback that's less than a 4-star review, message me privately.

Do the same if you have suggestions and/or if you're a comedian with something truly insightful to say and/or you have a truly hilarious joke that fits into one of the over a hundred categories. I'll quote you; and you can say how you're in this book. 

I don't just quote other comedians though, because I wrote hundreds of jokes for this volume, including at least two examples of each Type of Joke & Humor Technique. So even if you don't want to learn how to write jokes, you can enjoy reading hundreds of jokes! Mine and others.

Took me years to publish; so I hereby thank the reader who semi-recently inquired about volume 2's whereabouts; my brother for his encouragement;; and other significant, but apparently heretofore mysterious, persons and/or reasons of my own.


All The Best,
Dean Burkey
Author, Comedian, 
and Lover of Chocolate



   

Monday, January 5, 2015

My Cause of Death



My Cause of Death


I’ve been sick and unable to connect to the Internet, which is, as Mitch Hedberg might’ve said: “A double whammy!” 

Still not feeling 100 %, and still can’t connect to the Internet, but I’m at the public library, where I hope I’m not becoming Patient Zero, the sneezy schlepp who inadvertently causes a mass pandemic that wipes out a humongous chunk of the population Bubonic Plague style. Not the way I wanna go. Yo!

Whenever I’m sick, I ponder what will be written as My Cause of Death

Being a comedian, part of me thinks it’d be great to have my demise be Something Silly

Like I was finger-painting the kitchen and got zapped when I tried to make the electrical socket purple. 

Or I juggled grenades and accidentally pulled out one of the pins. 

Or I tried to pet the pretty little platypus, which, at the moment of my demise, I suddenly recall from a report I wrote in sixth grade that her hind legs inject poison. 

Or maybe even Something Ironic, like I drowned trying to save a lifeguard. 

“Isn’t ironic? 
Yeah, I really do think.” 
-- Alanis Morissette. 

But since I’m more than just a comedian, Something Silly or Something Ironic aren’t really the ways I want to go. 

On the other hand, I don’t want to die of Something Serious either. Like being murdered, because that only enables the killer’s homicidal tendencies; and no one wants that, especially the victims. 

Or dying of some horrific disease, whether it’s merely the sniffles gone awry; or some major league disease that people refer to as “The Big” and then they add the first letter of the disease. Like “The Big R” for rickets

Or The Big Silent P” for pneumonia.

So, in keeping with The Secret, I focus on my autopsy report listing My Cause of Death as None. That way I never die and live forever. In which case, I’ll sue the coroner who performs the autopsy on me! Or get him disbarred, defrocked, or whatever they do to coroners gone bad. At the very least, take away his formaldehyde aftershave. 

But then again, with The Secret, by focusing on My Cause of Death being None, I’ll probably get murdered by an angry Mother Superior who slits my jugular with a plastic child-safe pencil sharpener. 

In which case, My Cause of Death will be All of the Above (a.k.a. A Quadruple Whammy!): Something Silly, Something Ironic, Something Serious, and Nun

So instead of fearing 
some nightmarish death, 
I’ll keep 
living the dream
;o) 

Welcome to 2015*, 
The Year of Dean! 


All The Best,
Dean Burkey


* Don’t know why it didn’t occur to me sooner that both 2013 and 2014 could’ve been my years too, since they also rhyme with Dean! 


Photo Source: 
http://www.sherv.net/laughing-emoticons.html





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Monday, December 1, 2014

The Two Lies I Told This Year


The Two Lies I Told This Year
(So Far)
by
Dean Burkey

I’ve told only two lies this year. 

The first to a little girl. Yep. I lied to a kid. I told her Mom that I loved the show Psych; and the Mom said her daughter likes that show. So I said that’s cool. And then the little girl said, “Wasn’t the musical the best episode ever?” 

I don’t like to lie to anyone. Especially children. But she seemed so happy, so thrilled at the thought. And I’m just not the hope-killing, dream-crushing type. Which is why Im not a career guidance counselor or a contest judge. So I just nodded and said, “Yeah.” 

So there you have it, I lied to a little girl. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that obviously, the best episode ever was the one where Shawn got shot! What a thriller! Or the episode with the shark! Or the one with the Tyrannosaurus Rex bones. Or the ones with the UFO, werewolf, mummy, ghost, Despereaux, etc. Or if you’re a romantic, the episode with Franke Potente where Juliet overhears Shawn saying how much he loves her. Or the one where she kisses him! Practically any episode, except the sing-songy episode that made sure the next season would be the last. So I just nodded and said, “Yeah.” 

That was earlier this year. My second lie wasn’t too long ago, when I told a pregnant woman that I didn’t think she was pregnant because of a bulge in her belly

She’s such a sweet, strong, attractive woman whose feelings I didn’t want to hurt. And I’m sure I would’ve felt the same even if I didn’t think she could kill me before I could blink. Not that she would, but that she could. And maybe she would. 

So that’s it! We’re already into December; and I’ve told only two lies this year. (So far.) Only two! Well, possibly three. But that’s only if you count the time I said: I’ve told only two lies this year. 


Stand Up Comedy by Johnny Trabs 

- Lying To Children

Published on Jun 7, 2012 by

Author Unknown: 
(From: http://www.just-one-liners.com/category/beliefs/honesty/lies-honesty-characteristics)
A Lawyers Epitaph:
Beneath this smooth stone by the bone of his bone 
Sleeps Master John Gill; 
By lies when alive this attorney did thrive, 
And now that hes dead he lies still.

Art Rosenbaum
(From: http://www.just-one-liners.com/category/beliefs/honesty/lies-honesty-characteristics)
Golf is a game in which the ball lies poorly 
and the players well.

Dean Burkey:
I’ll only lie to you, 
if that’s what it takes, 
to get you to trust me. 

Helen Rowland
(From: http://www.just-one-liners.com/category/beliefs/honesty/lies-honesty-characteristics)
Telling lies is a fault in a boy, 
an art in a lover, 
an accomplishment in a bachelor, 
and second-nature in a married man.

Jerry Seinfeld
(From: http://www.just-one-liners.com/category/beliefs/honesty/lies-honesty-characteristics)
I think that people who read the tabloids 
deserve to be lied to.



Stand Up Comedy By Tina Kim 

- Low-Rise Lies

Uploaded on Feb 18, 2009 by

Monday, November 24, 2014

Give Thanks and Be Happy

 
Photo Source: Thanksgiving-1 by Peggy Sue

Give Thanks 

Be Happy


Give Thanks
Be Happy!

Sounds simple enough. 

So let's all give that a try. 

I'll start by listing three things 
for which I'm thankful: 

Chocolate, 
Comedy, 
Hilarious Hotties with Hearts of Gold. 

(They don't all have to start 
with the same letter.) 

(I know those didn't all start 
with the same letter.) 

(I'm just saying 
they don't have to ...) 

So anyway, ... 

I'm Also Thankful For

Readers of my blog. 
(Even if I don't know who you are!)

The ImprovAddicts
(An improv troupe of which I'm a part.) 

My job. 
(The proceeds from which 
will help me change the world.) 

The pleasant people in my life. 
(Even when I don't have time to tell them that.) 

And apparently parentheses. 
(Just because the right one 
can make smiley faces!)

;o)

Your turn! 

What are three (or more) things 
for which you are thankful? 


Razzle-Dazzle with Zazzle

Click Here to Shop at Amazon!


Rooftop Comedy's Thanksgiving 

- Feast Of Funny

Published on Nov 20, 2012 by


For More Thanksgiving Fun, 
Enjoy These Previous Posts: 





Iliza Shlesinger 

- Eating Around Men 

(Stand up Comedy)

Published on Sep 11, 2013 by

Monday, November 17, 2014

My One Major Flaw


My One Major Flaw

After much introspection and life analysis, I discovered I have a major flaw. 

(Brief intermission while all the fans of How I Met Your Mother salute and say: “Major flaw!”) 

(Announcer: “We now return you to our regularly scheduled program.”) 

My one big drawback is indecisiveness. 

I think. 

No, no, yes, yes, maybe. 

Definitely indecisiveness. 

Well, maybe not definitely. 

Maybe not even indecisiveness at all. 

I guess I can’t say not at all. 

Hmm. Maybe I’m indecisive. 

And maybe I’m not. 

Who can say for sure? 

Our own level of indecisiveness is probably just one of those things no one can really decide anyway. 

Come back next week when I share the cure for procrastination. 

Thats next week. 

Or maybe the week after that. 

Or the week after that. 

Or ... 


Indecision

Published on Mar 20, 2013 by

Author Unknown: 
(From: http://www.jokes.stevenredhead.com/CleverOneLiners.html)
Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Author Unknown: 
(From: http://www.sickipedia.org/tv/film-movie/the-first-rule-of-indecisive-club-is-you-dont-talk-868922)
The first rule of indecisive club, 
is you don't talk about indecisive club. 
... Or not, it's up to you.

Dean Burkey:
I’m really bad about procrastinating. 
I keep meaning to put things off. 
Maybe I’ll procrastinate tomorrow. 

Author Unknown: 
(From: http://www.sickipedia.org/other/random/i-like-to-think-of-bungee-jumping-as-suicide-for-692942)
I like to think of bungee jumping 
as suicide for indecisive people.

Author Unknown: 
(From: http://www.sickipedia.org/other/wordplay/when-i-had-a-go-at-rowing-i-was-so-808468)
When I had a go at rowing I was so Indecisive 
I couldn't choose either oar.



A Comedian's View on Postmodernism

Uploaded on Jul 26, 2008 by

Monday, November 10, 2014

Vegan Gators & Veggie Sharks


Vegan Gators 

Veggie Sharks

Don’t think you’re safe, just because you swim upon a vegan gator, or a veggie shark. 

In the murky waters in which they dwell, and through their thick, clouded corneas, to them you look just like a screaming, splashing carrot. 

Or a spastic serving of succotash. 

And once they bite into you, all they see is ketchup. 


carrot top STARSEARCH

Published on Jun 24, 2012 by
Carrot Top

Mitch Hedberg:
I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. 
I like when a guy is already in there, 
I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” 
Then I go turn the heat up; 
and I add some carrots and onions. 

Brian Regan
My doctor also told me to, uh, 
you know, uh, eat more fruit. 
So, I had some Pop Tarts this morning. 
Nice thin layer in there. 

Mitch Hedberg:
They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. 
I tried to make it at home. 
There’s more to it than that. 

Dean Burkey:
(From “How to Write Comedy Jokes: 
How to Write All Kinds of Comedy Jokes Book 1): 
If only more people would become vegetarians, 
we’d get seated quicker at the steakhouse.

Mitch Hedberg:
If carrots got you drunk, 
rabbits would be messed up.



The vegetable "crisper" (Mark Schiff

- very funny stand-up comedy

Uploaded on Jul 11, 2011 by