Vegan Gators & Veggie Sharks

 
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Watermelon Shark Decorative Summer Party Fruit Server

Vegan Gators 
& 
Veggie Sharks

by
Dean Burkey

Don’t think you’re safe, just because you swim upon a vegan gator, or a veggie shark. 

In the murky waters in which they dwell, and through their thick, clouded corneas, to them you look just like a screaming, splashing carrot. 

Or a spastic serving of succotash. 

And once they bite into you, all they see is ketchup. 

All The Best,

Dean Burkey


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carrot top STARSEARCH

Published on Jun 24, 2012 by
Carrot Top

Mitch Hedberg:
I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. 
I like when a guy is already in there, 
I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” 
Then I go turn the heat up; 
and I add some carrots and onions. 

Brian Regan: 
My doctor also told me to, uh, 
you know, uh, eat more fruit. 
So, I had some Pop Tarts this morning. 
Nice thin layer in there. 

Mitch Hedberg:
They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. 
I tried to make it at home. 
There’s more to it than that. 

Dean Burkey:
(From “How to Write Comedy Jokes: 
How to Write All Kinds of Comedy Jokes Book 1”): 
If only more people would become vegetarians, 
we’d get seated quicker at the steakhouse.

Mitch Hedberg:
If carrots got you drunk, 
rabbits would be messed up.

The vegetable "crisper" (Mark Schiff) 

- very funny stand-up comedy

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KrisBlueNZ

 
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Do Not Feed Or Molest Alligators!

Do Not Feed Or Molest Alligators!

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Some insidious sap must have done something sinister to an alligator to prompt the Florida government to shell out big bucks to post signs near every known body of fresh water to admonish us: “Do Not Feed Or Molest Alligators!”

As Floridians known, any body of fresh water, including a puddle, can house and hide a predator; whether a gator, a water moccasin, or a peeping Tom with a mask and snorkel. So people need to know what dangers lurk beneath the surface. Nothing kills tourism quicker than tourists becoming the main course for a variety of man-eaters. At least that was the case in “JAWS.” Nowadays, however, such a horror might attract people. Just not the kind of folks we want wandering around Florida.

But why does the sign say molest? What exactly did that kinky kook do to an alligator? Did that incident inspire the sci-fi thriller “The Alligator People”? How could anyone, except another alligator, find an alligator attractive? How can you determine their gender without getting near their claws and teeth? And what standard does one use to decide which ones are sexy?

That kooky culprit must have imbibed serious amounts of chemical substances and/or felt extremely lonely. Excessive solitude can sully one’s emotions. Sadly, I often find myself attracted to extraterrestrials. But just the sexy ones. And sailors at sea too long often confuse manatees with mermaids. But why? Manatees don’t wear coconut bikini tops.

Seems like crooks breaking such laws would suffer capital punishment without the government, or at the very least, undergo involuntary amputation. Like Coco “Stubs” Callahan who claims he got to second base before the creature suddenly got the munchies. Not only did his wife leave him, he got fined for hand-feeding, and in his case, elbow-and-arm-feeding the wildlife.

Florida law forbids our feeding alligators, because doing so makes those Super-Sized lizards with rows of teeth associate humans with food. And in a reptile’s brain, “people bring food” soon becomes “people are food.” That means whoever originally molested an alligator did so, without first buying the beast dinner. What a creep!

If that sicko had swum in salt water instead of fresh, would we post signs that say?: “Do Not Shag the Sharks!”

Blessings & Joy,

Dean

Modified slightly from the version originally published with the pseudonym D. B. James at: http://www.863area.com/feedgators/

What We Can Learn from Alligators

What We Can Learn from Alligators

Instead of fleeing in abject fear every time alligators nibble on our kneecaps, let’s take a moment to see what we can learn from these amazing man-eating predators. And then flee in abject fear. 

Conserve Your Energy

Alligators look lazy, because they appear to lounge around a lot. Of course, no one with half a brain, or the longing to live, would dare say so to a gator’s face. Not more than once anyway. Instead of wasting our time and energy worrying about things that don’t matter. We need to focus on what’s most important to us. Decide what you want to attain; and then concentrate your efforts on that. Don’t lie around in a hammock all day. But don’t try to accomplish so much, that you wear yourself out; and wind up accomplishing quite little. Also, go green, turn off lights, water, appliances, etc. when no longer in use. Conserve your energy and your resources. 

Plan Ahead

When alligators get hungry, they can’t pop something into the microwave or pour a bowl of cereal. Sure, à la Bruce the shark in “Jaws”, if an unsuspecting skinny dipper swims their way at the beginning of a horror movie, they’ll enjoy the midnight snack. But that never happens enough. Thus, they need to plan ahead for their meals. Prepare. Think of what you need before you need it, so you’ll have what you need when you need it. 

Be Patient

Alligators can’t pull their SUVs up to drive-thru windows to get fast food. (For obvious reasons: They don’t own SUVs, can’t drive, and don’t carry credit cards or cash. Which seems ironic since their skin is made out of wallets.) Thus, when they get a hankering for duck à l’orange. (Or whatever color fowl they can find. Gators aren’t prejudiced. Except against Seminoles and Bulldogs. But even then, that doesn’t mean they don’t love to eat them.) These large reptiles are too big, too menacing, to barge over unnoticed. Since most creatures don’t want to be eaten, they flee at the sight of hungry predators. Especially large reptilian ones. (T-Rex did a number on us all where we can’t forget!) So these large lumbering lizards must sneak up on their prey slowly. Ever so slowly. Wait. Rushing can cause you to make mindless mistakes. 

Blend into Your Surroundings

Obviously, most of nature, not counting folks who find cow-tipping to be the height of culture, will flee from rows of hungry teeth, regardless of how slow they move. Thus, alligators must pretend to be driftwood. Logs adrift garner less fright than pouncing gators with their salivating mouths wide open. Especially since they don’t floss and often wreak of bad breath. Notice what’s around you. How can you use that to your advantage? No need to become noticed, until you’re ready. 

Become a Powerful Force

Once alligators draw close enough to their prey, they strike with a quick burst of fury, exuding a power so forceful that only zigzagging or belly-rubbing can stop them. Or a bazooka. Or an H-bomb. But that’s a bit excessive. 

Conserve your energy. Plan ahead. Be patient. Blend into your surroundings. Once you’re in position, give your tasks all you’ve got to attain your goals. Achieve your desires with relentless fury. 

Thank you alligators for the helpful advice. Now please don’t eat us; and we’ll try not to turn you into wallets, purses, and boots. 

Cool deal? 

Blessings & Joy,

Dean Burkey