Sadly,
while we have plenty
for which we can give thanks,
this is still the holiday
where greeting card companies wish
they could establish a stronger foothold,
so they too can give thanks.
And while we are indeed thankful
for our many blessings in the US,
we’re still hesitant to be too thankful
on Thanksgiving Day;
lest the IRS come after us
on Tax Day.
Thanksgiving,
a time when our gratitude
increases our latitude.
Goodbye health regimen
while we gorge,
sit around watching parades,
and nap until it’s time to devour tons of leftovers.
But we have to fatten up,
so we can stay in long lines
to get crazy deals on Black Friday.
Of course,
the ones giving the most thanks
are the turkey farmers.
And if you’re not grateful,
you must be a turkey.
Woody Allen:
As we know,
for centuries Rome regarded the Open Hot Turkey Sandwich
as the height of licentiousness;
many sandwiches were forced to stay closed
and only reopened after the Reformation.
(From: “Thus Ate Zarathustra”)
Phyllis Diller:
My cooking is so bad
that my kids thought Thanksgiving
was in memory of Pearl Harbor.
Dean Burkey:
Not every turkey gets slaughtered on Thanksgiving.
Many get elected to public office.
Mitch Hedberg:
If you go to the grocery store,
you start to get mad at turkeys.
You see turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami.
Somebody just needs to tell the turkeys,
“Man, just be yourselves!”
Jerry Seinfeld:
I will never understand why they cook on TV.
I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it.
The end of the show they hold it up to the camera,
“Well, here it is. You can’t have any.
Thanks for watching. Goodbye.”
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