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Seasons Without Reason: Humorous Short Stories & Snarky Snippets
Cover Art:
My Montage of Spring, 1573 by Giuseppe Arcimboldo, Jesenji portret (a.k.a. Summer), 1573 by Giuseppe Arcimboldo, Autumn, 1573 by Giuseppe Arcimboldo, and Winter, 1573 by Giuseppe Arcimboldo.
From:
http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Giuseppe_Arcimboldo_-_Spring,_1573.jpg, http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Giuseppe_Arcimboldo_-_Summer,_1573.jpg, http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Giuseppe_Arcimboldo_-_Autumn,_1573.jpg, & http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Giuseppe_Arcimboldo_-_Winter,_1573.jpg.
“Fast Food Follies”
Long before we bark our orders into a broken intercom, the fast food we crave has already dreamed and thrived, lived and died, in a heated world of grub gone wild.
“McLovin’”
Duke, the Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, partied all night making moves on both Francesca, a large order of French fries, and Apollonia, a hot apple pie. When those two women got wind of Duke’s game, they snubbed him cold.
Still feeling lascivious, Duke sought out Francine, a small order of fries. She felt flattered at first to receive so much attention from such a big burger, but he proved to be too fast a food for her taste, groping and kissing her against her will. She cried for help.
Melvin, a plain, single-patty burger, marched over to Francine’s house to invite her to watch a whimsical comedy at the McMovie McTheater. Although she already turned him down twice that week, he hoped for the best. Hearing her scream, he tried to bust down her door. After contracting several contusions, he checked under the mat and found a key. Only the key didn’t work, because Duke had turned the security latch. So Melvin crashed through a window and rushed inside as Duke ripped off Francine’s pink skirt. Francine shrieked.
Melvin grabbed a metal McLamp and pummeled Duke into a McComa. Even lying under a heat lamp would not resuscitate him anytime soon. Melvin wrapped Francine in a silver blanket and used his sleeves to wipe away her tears and smeared mascara.
Francine sobbed. “I wasn’t ready. But Duke didn’t want to wait.”
“Shhh. Don’t try to talk. Everything will be all right.” Melvin soothed and caressed her. After a few heavy sighs, he said, “I should take you to the McHospital.”
“No, not yet.” Francine breathed deeply, then cooed, “You never gave up on me.”
Melvin smiled. “And I never will.”
“I wasn’t ready before, but now I am.”
“Okay. Pack a change of clothes; and we’ll head to the McHospital.”
“No, not that.” Francine beamed.
“Then what? What are you ready for?”
Francine cast off her silver blanket and kissed Melvin.
“Oh.”
Melvin’s McLovin’ fantasies came true that night; and thus was born the Happy Meal.
“Chicken Stuff”
Oswald, an original recipe chicken, longed to be with a spicy chicken strip named Serena, but extra crispy chicken Eddie had his claws into her. Oswald possessed prestige, but Eddie’s physique sported a crusty surface that even the spiciest strips found alluring. Eddie pretended he didn’t care, that he just wanted to get Serena’s eggs laid, but he bawled the night she left him. Marinating himself every midnight in Fiery Buffalo, dipping his skinny in Honey BBQ with any chick he could find, and crying out at the cloudless sky, “Cluck you, Mother Clucker!”
Serena enjoyed raw animal magnetism as much as any other chicken, but held higher aspirations than a simple cole slaw and buttered roll combo. She yearned to be part of a Variety Big Box Meal. She told herself she wasn’t concerned about the money or the fine trimmings. She even convinced herself that Oswald made her feel special, like more than just a piece of meat; and that being with him transcended a mere fast food experience, akin to culinary ecstasy. And so, Serena surrendered to Oswald’s foul desires and moved in with him.
Heartbroken and jacked up on coke, Eddie broke into Oswald’s penthouse apartment to win back Serena, but his switchblade proved no match for Oswald’s blunt 38. Before falling twelve stories and slamming into a dumpster, Eddie blurted, “Aw, bucket!”
After mourning a month and a half for Eddie, Serena married Oswald. Within three years they had enough popcorn chicken clucking around to fill two buckets. Oddly though, the firstborn boasted an alluring crusty surface.
“For Whom the Taco Tolls”
The Chalupas and the Gorditas rumbled to see who’d reign supreme. No tortilla felt safe walking the streets with those two gangs at war. Every day a new taco got caught in the crossfire and spilled his seasoned ground beef and hot sauce onto the sidewalk. One half-expected spicy ones to splatter like that, but sadly, even mild sauces splattered too.
Bobby “Bean” Burrito sponsored a costume party at the condiment center. Carlos dressed as a masked conquistador; and Gina, a female Zorro. They dueled; they danced; they fell in love. Before the midnight removal of masks, Carlos received a call on his cell. Some Gorditas trashed his uncle’s garage and raped and killed his cousin. Poor Pepé. He never saw it coming. Carlos left abruptly, forgetting to exchange numbers with Gina. After visiting his uncle, he vowed vengeance and searched for some Gorditas to torture and kill.
Having changed out of her hot costume, Gina wandered around the grounds, praying for Carlos to return. Unfortunately for her, he did. Carlos knew a Gordita when he saw one. At least an unmasked Gordita. So he attacked Gina and stabbed her, to avenge his cousin. As life and chili sauce ebbed out of her body, her purse fell open and spilled onto the sidewalk.
Carlos gasped to find her Zorro mask. That night the rumble ended. Both sides had gone too far; but neither proved supreme. Although tranquility returned to Bell City, Carlos drowned himself every night with shot after shot of hot border sauce.
~o~ ~o~
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Razzle-Dazzle with Zazzle
Novelty Hamburger 60 Minute Kitchen Timer
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Sleeper clip (diet and tobacco)
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The Believe Me Movie Trailer
Jerry Seinfeld:
Have you ever noticed that the waiter
who takes your order
is not the one who brings your food anymore?
What is that about?
And which waiter are you tipping anyway?
I think that next time I go to a restaurant I’ll just say,
“Oh, sorry, I only eat the food.
The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly.”
Have you ever noticed that the waiter
who takes your order
is not the one who brings your food anymore?
What is that about?
And which waiter are you tipping anyway?
I think that next time I go to a restaurant I’ll just say,
“Oh, sorry, I only eat the food.
The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly.”
Phyllis Diller:
I do dinner in three phases:
Serve the food.
Clear the table.
Bury the dead.
Dean Burkey:
He knew his lying accountant
deserved the gas chamber,
but unable to perform an execution himself,
he instead gave him gift certificates
for free extra spicy bean burritos at Taco Bell.
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Hot Dog Pet Food Dog Costume
Steven Wright:
I got food poisoning today.
I don’t know when I’ll use it.
Mitch Hedberg:
I went to a pizzeria.
The guy gave me the smallest slice possible.
If the pizza was a pie chart with
what would you do if you found a million dollars,
he gave me the “Donate it to charity” slice.
“I’d like to exchange this for the ‘Keep it!’”
Full Throttle Fat Loss
WOODY ALLEN - 1964 - Standup Comedy
Published on May 5, 2014 by
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Heinz Ketchup Dress - Small/Medium - Dress Size 4-10
Come Back Monday September 22, 2014
