Hearty Humor

Please let me know 
if you enjoy Heaven-Bent Humor. 
Thank you.


Source: François Detemmerman
Photo Source:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/5/5c/Traffic_Lights.jpg/640px-Traffic_Lights.jpg

Hearty Humor

by
Dean Burkey

I want my heart to be in the right place. 

So I don’t want to wish anyone ill. 
Except maybe the guy who invented speed bumps. 

Me personally. 
I don’t come in like a wrecking ball. 
I’m not a home-wrecker. 
I don’t want to the be the third thumb. 
Or the extra nostril. 
Especially during cold season. 

The only three-way I like 
involves peanut butter, chocolate, and bananas. 

With computer dating, 
women judge you 
by the size of your motherboard. 

When it comes to relationships, 

what goes over big are honesty 
and all that sensitivity crap. 

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

Click Here to Shop at Amazon!

1997 MDA Telethon - Jerry Lewis and Jerry Seinfeld

Uploaded on Aug 18, 2009 by

Muscular Dystrophy Association

Rodney Dangerfield: 
One year they wanted to make me poster boy
... for birth control.

Jerry Seinfeld: 
I was audited last year. 
I have been through an audit.
Even though I.R.S. kind of sounds like Toys R’ Us, 
they’re not fun people. 
There’s things they could do to liven up the audit. 
I think they should take all your receipts 
and put them in one of those 
big, lucite sweepstakes drums, 
and just crank it around—you know, 
give you a feeling like you might win something. 
Then they can pull ‘em out one by one and go, 
“Oh, I’m sorry. That’s another illegal deduction. 
But we do have some nice lovely parting gifts for you 
... Jail.”

Dean Burkey: 
Youth is wasted on the young. 
Spandex is wasted on the elderly. 

Rod Schmidt: 
I brought a mirror to Lovers’ Lane. 
I told everybody I’m Narcissus.

Steven Wright: 
I love to go shopping. 
I love to freak out salespeople. 
They ask me if they can help me, 
and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?” 
Then they ask me what size I need, 
and I say, “Extra medium.”

Hilarious Clean Comedian Dennis Regan

Published on Nov 10, 2013 by

Tim Grable

EvilTwinStore

We're All Crazy!

Photo Source: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Nasa_blue_marble.jpg
Who got the picture from: http://apod.nasa.gov/apod/image/0304/bluemarble2k_big.jpg
(Which I flipped upside-down.)

We’re All Crazy!

by
Dean Burkey

To one extent or another, 
everyone is psychotic. 

Nowadays, 
you’d be crazy not to be. 

If you don’t think you’re crazy, 
then obviously you’re insane. 
Because mentally unbalanced people 
never think they’re wacko. 

And if you think you’re a total nut-job, 
you’re probably right. 
Who else knows you better than you? 

So the best way to succeed in today’s world 
is to foster the right kind of psychoses. 

For instance, 

to succeed in politics, 
be narcissistic and a pathological liar. 

To make a relationship work, 
make sure both parties are compatible kinds of crazy. 

(Unlike Congress.)

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

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Intriguing and Informative With a Big Laugh Seven Minutes In,
But You Need to Watch Everything Beforehand: 

Snap Judgment Performance of the YEAR! Jamie DeWolf 

The Great Grandson of L. Ron Hubbard

Uploaded on Jul 21, 2011 by

Snap Judgment Films

Steve Martin "Excuse Me"

Published on Sep 15, 2012 by

curmudgeonfish

Chris Rock: 
You know the world is going crazy 
when the best rapper is a white guy, 
the best golfer is a black guy, 
the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, 
the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, 
France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, 
Germany doesn’t want to go to war, 
and the three most powerful men in America 
are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. 
Need I say more?

Rodney Dangerfield: 
My psychiatrist told me I’m going crazy. 
I told him, “If you don’t mind, I’d like a second opinion.” 
He said, “All right. You’re ugly too!”

Dean Burkey: 
If you keep doing the same thing over and over again, 
while expecting different results, 
you’re not only crazy; 
you’re boring! 

Mitch Hedberg: 
You know crazy straws? 
They go all over the place? 
These straws are sane. 
They never lost their mind. 
They say, 
“We’re going straight to the mouth. 
That guy who takes a while to get there? 
He’s crazy.” 

Steven Wright: 
All of the people in my building are insane. 
The guy above me 
designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.
The lady across the hall 
tried to rob a department store. 
With a pricing gun. 
She said, 
“Give me all of the money in the vault, 
or I’m marking down everything in the store.”

This is Aaron Weaver; not Martin Lawrence: 

Aaron Weaver

Published on Nov 14, 2013 by

BigBang701

EvilTwinStore

YouTube Ads Are Driving Me Mads

Photo Source: http://fiverr.com/paramlowe/put-your-150x60-logo-banner-for-3-months-on-my-youtube-channel

YouTube Ads 
Are Driving Me Mads

by
Dean Burkey

Ads on YouTube can be so annoying! 

Even if you click to watch a commercial, 
they will still make you watch another one, 
before you can watch the one you want. 

Sometimes the ads are longer 
than the videos you want to watch. 

A 10-minute ad to watch a 3-minute video?
Get real YouTube!

And sure, 
they’ll give you the option to Skip the Ad. 
Sometimes. 

But if you keep skipping, 
don’t they just send you more ads? 

They’ll even interrupt a relaxation video 
to give you an ad. 

Maybe they figure you’re too mellowed out 
to hit the Skip the Ad button. 

Their favorite time to make you watch commercials 
is during self-hypnosis videos. 
You’re trying to stop smoking. 
Or lose weight. 
Or stop committing random acts of kind pyromania. 

And, as soon as you’re entranced, 
they run ads. 

Which is the real reason 
why I ordered those twelve cartons of toilet paper. 

I don’t have a condition. 
Glandular or otherwise.

But I do worry about what they mean 
when they say that the toilet paper’s recycled. 
Gulp!

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

Fainting Goats - Very Funny

Uploaded on Dec 18, 2006 by Brett Eldridge

Bill Cosby: 
Every father says the same thing: 
“Where’s your mother?” 

Rodney Dangerfield: 
I tell ya’ when I was a kid, 
all I knew was rejection. 
My yo-yo, it never came back!

Dean Burkey: 
If you are addicted to placebos. 
Do you have a drug problem? 
Or a sweet tooth? 

Mitch Hedberg: 
Hey, someone said, 
“Hey Mitch, do you lift weights?” 
And I said, “No, but I do set weights back down. 
So if you get up there; and you need help, call me. 
I’ll take you to the next level!” 

Steven Wright: 

If at first you don’t succeed, 

destroy all evidence that you tried. 

We might not all agree with everything he says and does, 
but this is one rock-solid comedy set: 

Funniest Stand up Comedy Ever by Jim Carrey

Uploaded on Apr 30, 2009 by HomersOmar

EvilTwinStore

Bigfoot

Bigfoot

by
Dean Burkey

Me & Biggie at the Beach*

(Little Known Fact: Sure, Bigfoot’s got big feet, but he’s short!)

Bigfoot’s a lot of fun. 
But he’s always so confused about everything. 
Must be ADHD. 
Always so easily distracted. 
That’s why he always looks so blurry. 
He can’t focus! 

Bigfoot’s sometimes called the Skunk Ape. 
Especially after eating beans. 

If Bigfoot ever asks you to pull his finger, 
don’t! 
Unless you’re wearing a gas mask. 
And you don’t care about the people 
within a quarter-mile radius. 

Bigfoot’s sometimes called the Abominable Snowman. 
But that’s only when he lets his dandruff get out of whack. 

Bigfoot likes to smoke cigars, 
because they make him feel big. 

Some folks fear Bigfoot and consider him a monster. 
But he’s really not. 
Not as long as he has a large spoon 
and a hefty pudding cup. 

Bigfoot’s a hugger. 
Which would seem nice and endearing. 
If it weren’t for all his fleas. 

Bigfoot married Nessie, 

whom some easily frightened folks 
refer to as the Loch Ness Monster. 
Their kids are gonna be the biggest, hairiest, 
and blurriest creatures of land and sea. 
But if their kids fly, 
Biggie’ll know Nessie’s been unfaithful. 

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

* Photo Sources: Me: Family Trip 2011.

Bigfoot: http://www.hollywood.com/static/movie-monsters-worth-rebooting

But who needs to write jokes, 
when you can just rip paper? ...

Baby Laughing Hysterically at Ripping Paper (Original)

Uploaded on Jan 24, 2011 by BruBearBaby

Bill Cosby: 
Fatherhood is 
pretending the present you love most is 
soap-on-a-rope. 

Rodney Dangerfield: 
When I was a kid I got no respect. 
The time I was kidnapped; 
and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, 
“We want five thousand dollars; 
or you’ll see your kid again.” 

Dean Burkey: 
An actual story inspired by fictional events. 

Mitch Hedberg: 
What kind of music do you like?
The kind where the instruments are in tune. 

Steven Wright: 

When I’m not in my right mind, 

my left mind gets pretty crowded. 

Jerry Seinfeld at Queens College

Published on Oct 20, 2012 by Gil Raitses

EvilTwinStore

Life’s a Beach

Photo Source: Holiday Beach by Debbie Waumsley

Life’s a Beach

by
Dean Burkey

Life’s a beach; 
and then you fry. 
... Clams that is. 

The beach is the reason men work out; 
and women tuck in. 

The beach is where you go lie in the sun, 
but only after you lather on so much sunscreen 
that you might as well as stayed indoors. 
Standing on the beach 
next to the ocean can make one feel insignificant. 
But then again, so can standing in line 
at the Social Security office. 

The beach can have a calming effect on our senses. 
Make us feel serene. 
Unless some idiot next to us feeds the seagulls. 

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

Adobe Photoshop Makeup Parody

Published on Oct 26, 2012 by TechVidsChannel

Bill Cosby: 
Gray hair is God’s graffiti.

Rodney Dangerfield: 
My father had his own way of showing love. 
He always carried around the picture of the kid 
who came with his wallet. 

Dean Burkey: 
I’m someone who wants more out of life; 
and less out of death. 

Mitch Hedberg: 
I know people who believe in ghosts, 
but don’t believe in themselves. 
It’s sad. Okay, 
you don’t think you’ll ever make it as a musician, 
but last night you saw a translucent caveman. 

Steven Wright: 

24 hours in a day; 24 beers in a case. 

Coincidence? 

George Carlin- "Everyday Expressions"

Uploaded on Jul 4, 2009 by doctrDave

EvilTwinStore

Thank You Swami

Photo Source: Raccoon # 1 by Claudette Gallant

Thank You Swami

by
Dean Burkey

Hello, Jaime. 
… Oh, it’s Laurie? 
… That’s good. 

‘Cause my swami told me 
I’d meet a woman named Jaime; 
and we’d fall in love. 
So there’s no pressure with you. 
We can just be friends. 

I’d hate to think I spent $500 for five minutes 
in the portal of the secrets of the universe for nothing. 

You have to be careful nowadays. 
There are so many fraudulent fortunetellers out there. 
It’s hard to know whom to trust. 

That’s why I’m thankful for the Penny Saver. 
I figure a legitimate news source like that 
wouldn’t feature my swami’s ad if he wasn’t legit. 

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

Michael Davis Ford's Theater part 2 

(Ronald Reagan & Tip O'Neil laughing together hysterically)

Published on Apr 28, 2012 by Louis Epstein

George Carlin: 
Whose cruel idea was it 
for the word “Lisp” to have an “s” in it? 

Jerry Seinfeld: 
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. 
I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, 
maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. 

Dean Burkey: 
The craziest conspiracy theory of all 
is thinking that there are no conspiracies. 

Rodney Dangerfield: 
When I was born, 
the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, 
“I’m very sorry.  We did everything we could.  
But he pulled through.”

Steven Wright: 
Whenever I think of the past, 
it brings back so many memories. 

Some may find the following language offensive:

Mitch Hedberg, Comedy Genius

Published on Apr 10, 2013 by mycomedyshop

EvilTwinStore

Should've Used The Spill-Chucker

Photo Source: Heart In High Resolution by Виталий Смолыгин

Should’ve Used 
The Spill-Chucker
(I mean The Spell-Checker.)

by
Dean Burkey

Did you hear about the witch 
who tried to turn toads into princes, 
but instead turned them into IRS agents? 
Those agents created a Magic Tax and took everything! 
Poor gal should’ve used the Spell-Checker. 

Some people get uptight over the silliest things! 

Can you believe I had a girlfriend throw a couch at me, 
because I misspelled her name? 
How petty is that? 

I wrote the most amazing, heart-wrenching. 
Ah. Wrenching doesn’t sound right. 
Gut-wrenching?
Bowel-moving? 
Heart-touching! 
Love letter ever written in the history of romance, 
where I declare how she was the only woman for me. 
And she throws a fit because I misspelled one word. 
Her name. 

Her name was Caitlyn, 
C, A, I, T, L, Y, N. 
But I spelled it K, A, R, L, A. 
Close enough; right. 

Actually she found a whole stack of those letters; 
and they all had her name spelled wrong. 
T, I, N, A. 
M, A, R, S, H, A. 
S, H, A, N, E, E, Q, U, A. 

What? 
They’re all the only woman for me. 

Just depends on scheduling and availability. 

Sometimes they’re the only two women for me, 
which always goes amazingly well. 
Unless I misspell both their names. 

The point is: 
Stay in school. 
Eat your green leafy vegetables. 
And if you’re going to date 
a lot of amazing, wonderful women, 
make them wear name tags.

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

Drop the Towel...please

Uploaded on May 13, 2009 by Lee Cummings

George Carlin: 
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, 
do the rest drown too? 

Jerry Seinfeld: 
Isn’t it weird that we drink milk, 
stuff designed to nourish baby cows? 
How did that happen? Did some cattleman once say, 
“Oh, man, I can’t wait ‘til them calves are done, 
so I can get me a hit of that stuff.” 

Dean Burkey: 
What do people say I have a mullet? 
That’s ridiculous. 
I don’t even have an aquarium. 

Rodney Dangerfield: 
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. 
I’ll play it cool. Let her make the first move. 
She went to Florida.

Steven Wright: 
When I turned two I was really anxious, 
because I’d doubled my age in a year. 
I thought, “If this keeps up, by the time I’m six, I’ll be ninety.” 

Some may find the following language offensive:

The Very Best of Legendary Mitch Hedberg

Published on Aug 21, 2012 by theirishmani12

EvilTwinStore

The Big Turnaround

Photo Source: Surfer Wipes Out by Andrew Schmidt

The Big Turnaround

by
Dean Burkey

I feel like things are about to turn around for me. 
Once I sell a few  more items on eBay and Craig’s List, 
I’ll have the money needed 
to help a deposed Liberian ruler retain his frozen assets. 

Only because it’s the right thing to do. 
And because he promised to express his gratitude 
by sharing twenty percent of his wealth with me! 

It has to be true, because 
A) 
the information arrived in a very official-looking email; 
and that’s something you just can’t fake. 

And B) 
the deposed Liberian leader is a political figure; 
or, at least, was a political figure; 
and since political figures are entrusted 
with the care and concerns of their constituency, 
they can’t lie. 

So that’s a double whammy in my favor! 

What’s the first thing I’ll do 
with my share of the millions? 

I know I should say I’d help emergency victims, 
feed the hungry, 
or make curtains for the homeless. 

But I’m thinking 3-D IMAX superhero movie marathon. 
A world cruise or two. 
And a tub full of chocolate. 

And then, 
after enjoying all that, 
then; 
and only then, 
I’ll buy a submarine. 

Doesn’t have to be yellow. 

Probably would prefer a different color, 
so I won’t get that song stuck in my head. 

Too late!

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

Stevie Riks portrays two musical greats. 
Produced by Marcel Vossen:

Golden Years "Elvis Presley and David Bowie"

Uploaded on Aug 25, 2009 by merseyboys

George Carlin: 
What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Jerry Seinfeld: 
If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, 
why don’t you ever see anyone take one to the beach? 

Dean Burkey: 
A gold-plated paperclip 
is still a paperclip. 

Rodney Dangerfield: 
Last week I saw my psychiatrist. 
I told him, “Doc, I keep thinking I’m a dog.” 
He told me to get off his couch. 

Steven Wright: 
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 

Mitch Hedberg on The Late Late Show w/ Craig Kilborn, April 1999

Published on Jan 2, 2013 by sloppydead217

EvilTwinStore

Pining for Nutty Grapes?

Photo Source: Stalking the Wild Asparagus, Field Guide Edition

Pining for Nutty Grapes?

by
Dean Burkey

Euell Gibbons used to do ads for Grape Nuts 
where he’d hold up a pine cone; 
and say, 
“Ever eat a pine cone? 
Many parts are edible.” 
And then he’d talk about 
how much he enjoys Grape Nuts. 

Well, of course, he likes them. 
They’re a step up from eating pine cones. 

And if that testimony wasn’t bad enough. 
Shortly thereafter, he died. 
Of natural causes. 

Perhaps a pine cone lodged in his windpipe. 
The Heimlich Maneuver can only do so much. 

At some point, you gotta figure, 
it doesn’t make sense to eat trees. 
‘Cause sometimes the bark does have bite.

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

Jerry Seinfeld:

Grapenuts Cereal

Uploaded on Aug 14, 2011 by
Michael Lockrey

Rita Rudner: 
Someday I want to be rich. 
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. 
That’s how rich I want to be. 

Phyllis Diller: 
By far the most common craving of pregnant women 
is not to be pregnant. 

Dean Burkey: 
Everyone’s crazy in one way or another. 
At least I use my insanity for the forces of good.  

Rodney Dangerfield: 
I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. 
He told me, “Wait till it gets warmer.” 

Steven Wright: 
Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. 
When I got there, 
the guy was locking the front door. 
I said, 
“Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” 
He goes: “Not in a row!”

John Branyan: Clean Comedy (Part 2)

Uploaded on Dec 10, 2007 by

John Branyan

These two faith-based books are FREE 

on Amazon Kindle from May 22-26, 2103: