Silly Professor

Trivia Question: 
Do you know the name 
of the Professor from "Gilligan's Island"?
(Answer below.)

Please Note: 
I'm no longer an Amazon Associate, 
so don't feel obligated to order from them via my blog. 
Please buy my books though! ;o)
Also, I'm going to post once a week for a while.

Silly Professor

by
Dean Burkey

Photo Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Professor_(Gilligan's_Island)

The Professor on “Gilligan’s Island” 
could always help each week’s guest stars 
get off the island, 
but never his own group. 

Odd how someone so seemingly brilliant 
could make bicycles, huts, 
and even washing machines out of bamboo, 
but not a boat. 

Maybe he was writing a thesis 
on Castaway Syndrome. 

Or he thought 
if he could keep everyone shipwrecked long enough, 
maybe Mary Ann would finally come around. 

Or he just liked her coconut cream pies. 

Or maybe he had the hots for the Skipper or Gilligan. 
After being shipwrecked that long, who knows? 

Maybe he wrecked the boat in the first place! 
Why else would he bring along an encyclopedia 
and a set of test tubes for a three-hour tour? 

Have a Great Week,

Dean

Diet Lard

Uploaded on May 31, 2007 by

Elliander Eldridge

George Carlin:
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns, 
because they taste funny? 

Dean Burkey:
Vegetarian sharks are the reason carrots never go swimming. 

Mitch Hedberg: 
Magicians disappear all the time, 
but as soon as a regular person does it, 
everyone is all scared. 
“Tom’s gone!” 
“Is he a magician?” 
“No.” 
“Then let’s print up some flyers!” 

Jerry Seinfeld: 
The big advantage of a book is it’s very easy to rewind. 
Close it; and you’re right back at the beginning. 

Steven Wright: 
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

Brian Regan - Stand Up Comedy - Very Very Funny

Published on May 3, 2013 by

Sam Samson

Triva Answer: 
The actor's name was Russell Johnson. 
The character's name was Roy Hinkley.

Canoeing with Sharks

Canoeing with Sharks

by
Dean Burkey

Since Bigfoot and I had so much fun 
Backpacking in Bermuda,* 
we decided to go camping. 

Sadly, 
many campground owners are raving species-ists. 
They don’t allow “animals” to stay in their campgrounds. 
And more sadly, 
um, sadliericious, 
they think of Bigfoot as an animal 
and not a hairy uncle. 

I put a hunter’s cap on Bigfoot’s head 
and told him to let me to do the grunting. 
I mean, talking. 

The hunter’s cap wasn’t enough to fool 
the tobacco-spittin’, trigger-happy bumpkin 
at the first place, so at the second place, 
I had Biggie wear a college sweater 
from Ryker’s Community College. 
Fortunately, the second dude saw the word Ryker’s; 
and let us stay at his campground, 
because he stayed at Ryker’s prison. 

What I didn’t realize was that, 
in the same way I can communicate with Bigfoot, 
Biggie can communicate with sharks! 
I found out that fascinating bit of trivia the hard way. 

I went canoeing after we had a fight. 
Well, I wouldn’t call it a fight, 
but let’s just say, 
Bigfoot earned the name Skunk Ape. 
(If you know what I mean.) 

I admit it, last time, that was my fault. 
But this time, it was totally his. 
If you’ve ever been around 
a flatulent person of enormous proportions, 
you realize how you need to flee a cabin, 
no matter how “spacious” and “luxurious”, 
so I went canoeing without him. 
Thought the water and open air would clear my nostrils. 
But it’s Biggie’s own fault, 
I told him to avoid dairy. 

Yet he 
chugged a couple jugs of chocolate milk 
while gorging on chunks of cheese. 
And he wolfed down a can or two of baked beans. 
To which he added hot sauce. 

What most people don’t know about Bigfoot 
is that he suffers from abandonment issues. 
Something about being the last of his kind 
makes him feel that way. 
(I know what that’s like.) 

So when I left to go canoeing, 
he growled in a way I’d never heard before. 
And that’s when the sharks showed up! 

Obviously, 
as evident in the picture above, 
I didn’t even see the sharks at first. 
I kept canoeing happy as can be. 
Putting on my smiley face to mask 
my rage and repulsion at having been stuck 
in close quarters with a gas-imploding hulk. 

Right after that picture was taken, 
the person who took it, Sluggo, 
the special friend of the campground owner 
who escaped prison just to be with him, 
fell overboard when something below rocked the boat. 

Fortunately, 
for me anyway, 
Sluggo emailed me the picture beforehand. 
Before hand, foot, and every other part of him 
became bite-sized delights for the hungry sea monsters. 

I’m not saying justice was served, 
but I will say an escaped serial killer 
got a taste of his own medicine 
when he became a breakfast cereal 
for a school of frenzied sharks. 

So that left me alone to play “Don’t Capsize the Boat” 
as bigger and bigger sharks pounded the hull. 
Catching a glimpse of Biggie smiling 
liked a juiced Cheshire cat, 
I said, “Okay, Biggie. You made your point. 
You can have milk on your Cocoa Puffs. 
But only for breakfast; 
and you have to go for a long walk alone 
before you come back to the cabin. 
Agreed?” 

As Sasquatch considered my offer, 
more sharks attacked. 
And just like the USS Minnow, 
“the tiny ship was tossed”.**

Being tossed about so violently, 
and having witnessed the gory way 
Sluggo fed the wildlife, 
I got sick and barfed all over my life jacket. 
I didn’t realize I’d eaten that much! 
I don’t think I had. 
I think I puked out an appendix, a couple tonsils, 
and whatever else our bodies don’t really need. 
Maybe even an adenoid or two too. 

I’m a big fan of life, 
so even though I “lost my lunch”, 
as well as several meals prior, 
I couldn’t stop rowing and frantically pounding 
the snouts of the attacking sharks. 
In the midst of menacing shark frenzy, 
I sensed the largest of the predators rising from the depths. 
I knew a sea monster of that magnitude 
could easily capsize the canoe and swallow me whole. 
Like Quint says: 
“A little shaking; a little tenderizing; 
and down I’d go.”*** 

I could feel the mammoth monster speeding closer. 
In a last ditch ever to avoid feeding the fish, 
I called out to Biggie, 
“I’ll let you keep the free prize that comes inside 
every delicious box!” 

Bigfoot growled with delight. 
Most of the sharks got the message. 
Too bad the big one zooming from below 
didn’t get the memo in time. 
He shattered the hull with his jaws, 
which tossed me several stories high into the air. 
Getting motion sickness from being flung so high, 
I messed up my life jacket once again. 

As I finally started to fall, 
plummeting back toward the water, 
the mongo shark waited below me with his jaws agape. 
He almost seemed to smile. 
A part of me felt strangely flattered. 
I mean, I always thought I looked delicious. 
But it was nice hearing it from someone else.

Biggie howled like a wounded werewolf in a B movie. 
He stood too far away to intervene. 
Although speeding toward my doom, 
I managed to see Bigfoot had a tear in  his eye. 
But just when all hope seemed lost, 
what I thought could never happen, 
happened. 
My situation worsened.****

TO BE CONTINUED!

(I hope.)

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

* See my previous post: 
Backpacking with Bigfoot in Bermuda. 

** Line from the “Gilligan’s Island” theme song. 

*** Quint and slightly adapted line from “Jaws”. 

**** Lines from File #145: 
Unraveling the Mystery of the Mummy 
in “Monster Laughs”. 

Come Back Tomorrow for: 

Canoeing with Sharks 2: 
Am I Really on the Menu?

Shark Attack!!

Published on May 5, 2012 by

Just For Laughs Gags

Author Unknown:
What did the street shark say 
when something radical happened? 
JAWESOME! 

From Seasons Without Reason:
Beach fun at Ocean City.  
After seven swimmers have been attacked, 
the Coast Guard hooks a sizable man-eater offshore.  
The crew labors feverishly; 
and as the sun sets, they reel in the predator.  
Much to everyone’s amazement, 
it’s a Bengal tiger in scuba gear.

Author Unknown:
Did you hear about the aquarium owner? 
His shark was worse than his pike.

Dean Burkey:
Never French kiss a shark.

Author Unknown:
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean 
spied survivors of a sunken ship.  
“Follow me, son,” the father shark said to the son shark; 
and they swam to the mass of people.  
“First we swim around them a few times 
with just the tip of our fins showing.”  
And they did.  
“Well done, son!  
Now we swim around them a few times 
with all of our fins showing.” 
And they did.  
“Now we eat everybody.” 
And they did. 
When they were both gorged, the son asked, 
“Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first?  
Why did we swim around and around them?” 
His wise father replied, 
“Because they taste better without the crap inside!”

Please Note: The following contains a word or two that some may find offensive.

Punch a Shark in the Face! - Comedy Time

Uploaded on Feb 8, 2010 by

ComedyTimeDir

Last Night’s Celebrity Dream

Last Night’s Celebrity Dream

Photo Source: http://www.imdb.com/media/rm3794639360/nm0001481

I love when I have Celebrity Dreams. 

Dreams where I hang out with celebrities. 

Last night I dreamed I was at the Democratic Convention; and Tina Louise asked me to get up and speak. 

(She portrayed actress Ginger Grant on Gilligan’s Island.) 

No one told me I’d be giving a speech. I hadn’t even planned on being at the Democratic National Convention, so I didn’t have a speech prepared. 

In the dream, Tina and I were good friends, so I opened by saying:  

“Tina doesn’t know this, but whenever I see her, I think of the episode where she convinced Mister Howell she could see the future which made Mister Howell think she could make him even more rich, so whenever he’d see her, he’d say ‘Ginger money, Ginger money, Ginger money.’ So when I see her, I think, ‘Ginger money, Ginger money, Ginger money.’ And what we need is a president who will get this country back on the track to prosperity for all Americans, so when we think of that president, we can say, ‘President money, president money, president money.’ 

And then two women started talking loudly to each other. I said, “I have the mic”, but I lost control of the crowd at that point. 

And then I woke up. 

Which is just as well, because I might have said something like this:

“Are you better off than you were four years ago?!” And I would have said that with exuberance as if I expected everyone to say yes. And then done the comedy reaction where you make an embarrassed face and say: “Oh. Okay. Guess not.”

“What about this? What’s the deal with Mitt Romney?”

After pausing to get everyone’s attention, I’d say: 

“Do we really need a businessman to rescue our country from its financial problems? Do we really need someone who knows how to budget, cut costs, and spend wisely? Do we really need a problem-solver?”

Again with exuberance, only this time, as if I expected everyone to say no. 

And then repeated the comedy reaction with the embarrassed face, but this time I’d say: “Oh. Okay. Guess we do.”

Before the guards hauled me away, I’d say:

“Go ahead and vote along party lines. Why let the facts and common sense get in your way?”

At which point, I would have wound up in a YouTube video like that one guy yelling, “Don’t taser me bro!”

This is what happens when you catch a glimpse of the DNC during commercials and then go to bed after eating Cocoa Puffs.

Blessings & Joy,

Dean

Thank you Tina and the rest of the castaways 
for so many happy childhood memories!

Please Note: Tina Louise appeared in my dream, but I have no knowledge of her thoughts and feelings on any subjects presented herein, so nothing herein reflects on her at all. She does not endorse or have any connection with this blog post. But I do admire what she and her fellow performers did on Gilligan’s Island.