by
Dean Burkey
Dean Burkey
Biggie Backpacking in Bermuda.*
(Sorry for the blurriness. Seaport security damaged my digital camera.)
The creatures known individually as Bigfoot,
or the thawed version of the Abominable Snowman,
have also been dubbed Skunk Ape.
Sadly, that’s my fault.
After foraging through a field of beans,
gastronomical forces got the best of me.
When a busload of campers glared our way
after hearing my thunder,
and catching wind of my wind,
I panicked and pointed at Bigfoot.
He shook his head and growled his disapproval,
but those antics only convinced the campers of his guilt.
(Sorry Biggie.
But that’s why I tried to warn you
with my diatribe about the downside of musical fruit.)
Unbridled flatulence aside, we fared fairly well.
Being cosmically empathetic, following a bizarre incident
with a moon rock and a funky batch of peyote cookies,
I can interpret his seemingly innocuous grunts and growls.
In fact, the backpacking part was easy.
As soon as his back was turned,
I put all my heavy stuff inside his backpack.
And when I got tired of hiking, he let me ride on his back.
So we spent hours at a time wandering around the island.
The hard part was getting him past customs
and on board the cruise ship to Bermuda.
Although the floral shirt, sunglasses,
and straw hat disguise worked wonders,
turns out the Big Guy suffers from
super dee duper seasickness.
What a mess!
Biggie got me back though.
After leaning over the side and accidentally barfing
all over a honeymoon couple on the deck below,
he pointed at me.
As expected, the more I pleaded my innocence,
the more they didn’t believe me.
In the end, the newlyweds got their revenge,
when the bride cut in front of us at the buffet table
and snatched the last pudding cup.
or the thawed version of the Abominable Snowman,
have also been dubbed Skunk Ape.
Sadly, that’s my fault.
After foraging through a field of beans,
gastronomical forces got the best of me.
When a busload of campers glared our way
after hearing my thunder,
and catching wind of my wind,
I panicked and pointed at Bigfoot.
He shook his head and growled his disapproval,
but those antics only convinced the campers of his guilt.
(Sorry Biggie.
But that’s why I tried to warn you
with my diatribe about the downside of musical fruit.)
Unbridled flatulence aside, we fared fairly well.
Being cosmically empathetic, following a bizarre incident
with a moon rock and a funky batch of peyote cookies,
I can interpret his seemingly innocuous grunts and growls.
In fact, the backpacking part was easy.
As soon as his back was turned,
I put all my heavy stuff inside his backpack.
And when I got tired of hiking, he let me ride on his back.
So we spent hours at a time wandering around the island.
The hard part was getting him past customs
and on board the cruise ship to Bermuda.
Although the floral shirt, sunglasses,
and straw hat disguise worked wonders,
turns out the Big Guy suffers from
super dee duper seasickness.
What a mess!
Me & Biggie at the Beach**
(Little Known Fact: Sure, Bigfoot’s got big feet, but he’s short!)
Biggie got me back though.
After leaning over the side and accidentally barfing
all over a honeymoon couple on the deck below,
he pointed at me.
As expected, the more I pleaded my innocence,
the more they didn’t believe me.
In the end, the newlyweds got their revenge,
when the bride cut in front of us at the buffet table
and snatched the last pudding cup.
** Photo Sources: Me: Family Trip 2011.
Enjoy More Bigfoot Fun
in my next adventure:
Canoeing with Sharks
Warning: The following contains a word or two that might be deemed offensive.
I know I've used this one before,
but it fits perfectly:
Mitch Hedberg:
I think Bigfoot is blurry; that's the problem.
It's not the photographer's fault.
Bigfoot is blurry; and that's extra scary to me.
There's a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside.
"Look out! He's fuzzy! Let's get out of here!"
Author Unknown:
What kind of drink did Bigfoot order at the bar?
A Fuzzy Navel!
Author Unknown:
Why did the Bigfoot cross the road?
To pick up the squashed chicken.
Dean Burkey:
April 1st would be the worst day
to see Elvis, Bigfoot, and a UFO.
Especially if Elvis and Bigfoot are flying the UFO.
What’s the difference between Bigfoot
and an honest politician?
We’ve heard of Bigfoot.
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