All I saw was a ripple.
But apparently a ripple is all the DNA
that Loch Ness CSI needs to authorize
the hunting down of the Loch Ness Monster.
Poor Nessie.
How will she ever forgive me?
How could things turn out like this?
All I said was that Coleen went under
and never came back up.
And that I saw a ripple.
Honest.
I even tried to be as vague as possible
with my ripple description,
so I wouldn’t get Nessie in trouble.
I could never do that to such a good friend.
But then, when the authorities made me
their number one suspect,
I blurted out,
“It was the Loch Ness Monster; I tell you!
The vicious creature ripped her to shreds!”
I then said I was the utmost authority
on the Loch Ness Monster.
Not to ruffle the feathers of Edwards or Harmsworth.
When the Constable and his cronies started making plans
to destroy Nessie once and for all,
I came back to my senses.
“Wait. Aren’t we being a wee bit hasty?
The most important thing I’ve learned in my studies
of the Loch’s famous creature is this:
She doesn’t exist.
So hunting her down will only be a waste of time.”
Constable McBrody sighed and rolled his eyes.
“But you said the Monster killed Coleen.”
“I hadn’t eaten since last night.
Even then, that didn’t go so well.
And then you had the burning bright light
shining in my face, so I freaked out.
What I meant to say was.”
I panted.
Hoping each new breath
would bring me the idea I needed.
The Constable turned the light on me again;
and I blurted out as before, “It was Bigfoot!
He suffers from heinous abandonment issues.
So when I left him in the States to come here,
he must’ve followed.
And not knowing that Nessie.
Um, I mean, the Loch Ness Monster isn’t real.
He framed her. I mean, it. For murder.”
Then as they started to make plans to hunt down Bigfoot,
I changed my tune again.
“Actually, the light freaked me out again.
Let’s be reasonable here.
We all know Bigfoot’s a myth.
Like generous bankers.
Intelligent floozies with hearts of gold.
And mermaids who yodel.
If we put our heads together,
I’m sure we can reach a logical conclusion.”
SLAM!
The cell door echoed behind me.
They reached a logical conclusion all right.
But it wasn’t the right conclusion.
My cellmate Archibald the B-Flat Bagpiper
wore a plaid skirt, so I knew that couldn’t be good.
And the food they fed me contained alfalfa sprouts,
so you know, that wasn’t good either.
But at least that kept Archibald at bay.
I knew I was innocent.
But I still wasn’t sure about Nessie.
Maybe she finally snapped.
I couldn’t wallow in jail.
Especially since I was the prime suspect.
I had to escape to find Nessie.
To find the truth.
To find antacid.
TO BE CONTINUED ...
The Hunt Begins
But apparently a ripple is all the DNA
that Loch Ness CSI needs to authorize
the hunting down of the Loch Ness Monster.
Poor Nessie.
How will she ever forgive me?
How could things turn out like this?
All I said was that Coleen went under
and never came back up.
And that I saw a ripple.
Honest.
I even tried to be as vague as possible
with my ripple description,
so I wouldn’t get Nessie in trouble.
I could never do that to such a good friend.
But then, when the authorities made me
their number one suspect,
I blurted out,
“It was the Loch Ness Monster; I tell you!
The vicious creature ripped her to shreds!”
I then said I was the utmost authority
on the Loch Ness Monster.
Not to ruffle the feathers of Edwards or Harmsworth.
When the Constable and his cronies started making plans
to destroy Nessie once and for all,
I came back to my senses.
“Wait. Aren’t we being a wee bit hasty?
The most important thing I’ve learned in my studies
of the Loch’s famous creature is this:
She doesn’t exist.
So hunting her down will only be a waste of time.”
Constable McBrody sighed and rolled his eyes.
“But you said the Monster killed Coleen.”
“I hadn’t eaten since last night.
Even then, that didn’t go so well.
And then you had the burning bright light
shining in my face, so I freaked out.
What I meant to say was.”
I panted.
Hoping each new breath
would bring me the idea I needed.
The Constable turned the light on me again;
and I blurted out as before, “It was Bigfoot!
He suffers from heinous abandonment issues.
So when I left him in the States to come here,
he must’ve followed.
And not knowing that Nessie.
Um, I mean, the Loch Ness Monster isn’t real.
He framed her. I mean, it. For murder.”
Then as they started to make plans to hunt down Bigfoot,
I changed my tune again.
“Actually, the light freaked me out again.
Let’s be reasonable here.
We all know Bigfoot’s a myth.
Like generous bankers.
Intelligent floozies with hearts of gold.
And mermaids who yodel.
If we put our heads together,
I’m sure we can reach a logical conclusion.”
SLAM!
The cell door echoed behind me.
They reached a logical conclusion all right.
But it wasn’t the right conclusion.
My cellmate Archibald the B-Flat Bagpiper
wore a plaid skirt, so I knew that couldn’t be good.
And the food they fed me contained alfalfa sprouts,
so you know, that wasn’t good either.
But at least that kept Archibald at bay.
I knew I was innocent.
But I still wasn’t sure about Nessie.
Maybe she finally snapped.
I couldn’t wallow in jail.
Especially since I was the prime suspect.
I had to escape to find Nessie.
To find the truth.
To find antacid.
TO BE CONTINUED ...
The Hunt Begins
Please Note: The following video contains some material some may find offensive.
Mitch Hedberg:
I can whistle with my fingers,
especially if I have a whistle.
Dean Burkey:
I’m not saying she’s a bad cook;
I’m just saying she can’t make toast without the recipe.
Steven Wright:
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road.
I asked it why.
It told me it was none of my business.
Jerry Seinfeld:
It’s amazing that the amount of news
that happens in the world every day
always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Rodney Dangerfield:
What a dog I got.
His favorite bone is in my arm!
No comments:
Post a Comment