Canoeing with Sharks 2: Am I Really on the Menu?

Canoeing with Sharks 2: 
Am I Really on the Menu?

by
Dean Burkey

Continued from yesterday, 
so please read my previous post: 
Canoeing with Sharks

Otherwise, 
I open this brief recap will suffice: 
When I went camping with Bigfoot, 
we got in a fight. 
After I left him on shore while I went canoeing, 
he summoned all kinds of sharks to attack. 
I quickly tried to make amends, 
so he called off the sharks. 
Only the largest one didn’t get the message. 
Or he got it; and ignored it. 
The Mega-Giant Shark swam from below 
and smashed the canoe in half, 
which sent me flying high into the sky. 
Like a highly-paid center fielder, 
the shark waited below with open jaws, 
ready to catch me and swallow me whole. 
Bigfoot didn’t seem to be any help at all, 
wailing away at my forthcoming annihilation. 
When all of a sudden, 
things got worse ... 

As if falling toward the open jaws 
of a huge honking shark wasn’t bad enough, 
the hungry sea predator flapped his mighty tail 
to rise toward me. 
Talk about fast food! 

The sucker couldn’t even wait for gravity. 

“Hey Chewie! 
A little help please!”

Little Known Fact: 
Bigfoots, (Bigfeet?),
Sasquatches, Yetis, Abominable Snowpeople, 
and other creatures covered in fur, 
including my Uncle Cleatus and Aunt Carrie, 
hate being called Chewbacca!*
Or Chewie. 
(Which is short for Chewbacca.)

I knew that would get his attention. 
Which it did. 
Snapped him out his writing my eulogy.  

Little Known Fact: 
Bigfoot can’t swim. 

Or maybe he can, 
but he hates the water. 
Takes forever for all his hair to dry. 
So he couldn’t do a thing to rescue me. 
Or could he? 

Guess not. 
My life flashed before my eyes 
as my head and upper torso fell into the shark’s mouth. 
I remembered the fun I had time-traveling.**
I regretted not being able to make Katharine McPhee 
the happiest woman in the world. 

Other than that, 
I already planned the perfect last day of my life,***
so I was ready to check out. 
I just didn’t want to. 
Not through the intestinal tract of an overgrown guppy. 

As the shark’s jaws started to snap shut, 
which surely would have torn me asunder. 
But not in a good way. 
Something screeched and yanked me away. 
Literally at the last possible millisecond. 

Somehow Biggie summoned a pterodactyl 
from the Inner Earth.****
Terry, 
as I affectionately called the lifesaving pterodactyl, 
flung me onto the shore. 
The shark splashed down and swam away. 
Terry shrieked and flapped away. 
Although rejoicing to have survived 
such a harrowing adventure, 
I grimaced to see how Terry crapped 
all over my life jacket. 
Which, 
although I didn’t think I had anything left in me, 
made me barf once more all over said jacket. 
Ew! 
Was that my gall bladder? 

Biggie didn’t mind my barf or the dinosaur poop. 
He hugged me, happy that I was alive. 
I hugged him back and said, 
“You know I only meant the free prize 
in the Cocoa Puffs; right? 
I still get whatever comes inside 
Trix and Lucky Charms.” 

Biggie growled; 
and the Goliath shark, 
whom I affectionately dubbed Adolf Bin Laden,
plopped onto the shore next to us, 
snapping his jaws like toddlers with tater tots. 

I forced my famous smile and said, 
“Just kidding”. 
Biggie nodded at the shark, 
who plopped back into the water; 
and this time, 
I’m pretty sure he really swam away. 
But just in case, 
I gave Biggie all the free toys he wanted; 
and let him win every game we played. 
Including Scrabble. 
Even though QEZPNIK’s not a real word.

As to be expected, 
the campground owner made me pay 
for the smashed canoe 
and the severely soiled life vest. 
We agreed to go halfsies on the price, 
since I convinced Bigfoot to give him an autograph. 

Biggie agreed, 
but out of spite, 
he misspelled his name. 

And that was me canoeing with sharks. 
Whether that really happened; 
or that was just an elaborate allegorical metaphor 
for dealing with the politics of life, 
I can honestly say: 
“I’ll never wear a life jacket again.”***** 

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

* The big hairy creature from the Star Wars movies.

** See my previous posts: 
Time-Traveling with Hollywood Hunks
and
Time-Traveling with Hollywood Hunks 2: 
The Uncivil Civil War

*** See my previous post: 
How We Spend Our Last Day on Earth Says A Lot 
About Who We Are ...

**** See my previous posts:

Beggar Gone Bad, 

The Unexpected Peril of Paramotoring, 

Down the Dragon’s Hole,

Inside the Hollow Earth, 
The Perfect Ploy To Take Over the World,
and
Is This Really The End?

***** Another line from my favorite movie: Jaws. 
(My favorite movie until my screenplays get made!) 

How Jaws Should Have Ended

Uploaded on Jun 24, 2011 by

HISHEdotcom

Dean Burkey:
Being eaten by a shark’s only funny; 
if you or the shark 
wears Groucho Marx glasses.

Author Unknown:
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!

From Channel Surfing:

“Uh-huh.”  

Not realizing one shouldn’t interrupt when someone’s watching a scary shark movie, Cindy continued, “And remember we have dinner with my parents tonight at Daddy’s club.”  

“Uh-huh.”  

Doubting Brad’s attentiveness, she said, “I’m pregnant with octuplets.”  

More horrified by what he heard than by anything in a movie about mutated CGI monster sharks, Brad bolted upright.  “Dinner with your parents?!”  

Cindy plopped next to Brad and stroked his hair.  He sighed.  

“I’m sorry, baby.  I know how dull those dinners can be.”  

Little did she know that past performance is not indicative of future results. …  

Author Unknown:
Who is the shark community's 
favorite 1950s film actress?
Dorsal Day

Dean Burkey:
The first time you sleep in a waterbed, 
you will dream you are on the Titanic.  
After the iceberg incident, 
you will dream you are in the movie JAWS.  
And when JAWS swims at you, 
any bed becomes a waterbed.

Robert Schimmel

Funny Stand Up Comedy about Shark

Uploaded on Jun 29, 2011 by

supercalifragilismic

Canoeing with Sharks

Canoeing with Sharks

by
Dean Burkey

Since Bigfoot and I had so much fun 
Backpacking in Bermuda,* 
we decided to go camping. 

Sadly, 
many campground owners are raving species-ists. 
They don’t allow “animals” to stay in their campgrounds. 
And more sadly, 
um, sadliericious, 
they think of Bigfoot as an animal 
and not a hairy uncle. 

I put a hunter’s cap on Bigfoot’s head 
and told him to let me to do the grunting. 
I mean, talking. 

The hunter’s cap wasn’t enough to fool 
the tobacco-spittin’, trigger-happy bumpkin 
at the first place, so at the second place, 
I had Biggie wear a college sweater 
from Ryker’s Community College. 
Fortunately, the second dude saw the word Ryker’s; 
and let us stay at his campground, 
because he stayed at Ryker’s prison. 

What I didn’t realize was that, 
in the same way I can communicate with Bigfoot, 
Biggie can communicate with sharks! 
I found out that fascinating bit of trivia the hard way. 

I went canoeing after we had a fight. 
Well, I wouldn’t call it a fight, 
but let’s just say, 
Bigfoot earned the name Skunk Ape. 
(If you know what I mean.) 

I admit it, last time, that was my fault. 
But this time, it was totally his. 
If you’ve ever been around 
a flatulent person of enormous proportions, 
you realize how you need to flee a cabin, 
no matter how “spacious” and “luxurious”, 
so I went canoeing without him. 
Thought the water and open air would clear my nostrils. 
But it’s Biggie’s own fault, 
I told him to avoid dairy. 

Yet he 
chugged a couple jugs of chocolate milk 
while gorging on chunks of cheese. 
And he wolfed down a can or two of baked beans. 
To which he added hot sauce. 

What most people don’t know about Bigfoot 
is that he suffers from abandonment issues. 
Something about being the last of his kind 
makes him feel that way. 
(I know what that’s like.) 

So when I left to go canoeing, 
he growled in a way I’d never heard before. 
And that’s when the sharks showed up! 

Obviously, 
as evident in the picture above, 
I didn’t even see the sharks at first. 
I kept canoeing happy as can be. 
Putting on my smiley face to mask 
my rage and repulsion at having been stuck 
in close quarters with a gas-imploding hulk. 

Right after that picture was taken, 
the person who took it, Sluggo, 
the special friend of the campground owner 
who escaped prison just to be with him, 
fell overboard when something below rocked the boat. 

Fortunately, 
for me anyway, 
Sluggo emailed me the picture beforehand. 
Before hand, foot, and every other part of him 
became bite-sized delights for the hungry sea monsters. 

I’m not saying justice was served, 
but I will say an escaped serial killer 
got a taste of his own medicine 
when he became a breakfast cereal 
for a school of frenzied sharks. 

So that left me alone to play “Don’t Capsize the Boat” 
as bigger and bigger sharks pounded the hull. 
Catching a glimpse of Biggie smiling 
liked a juiced Cheshire cat, 
I said, “Okay, Biggie. You made your point. 
You can have milk on your Cocoa Puffs. 
But only for breakfast; 
and you have to go for a long walk alone 
before you come back to the cabin. 
Agreed?” 

As Sasquatch considered my offer, 
more sharks attacked. 
And just like the USS Minnow, 
“the tiny ship was tossed”.**

Being tossed about so violently, 
and having witnessed the gory way 
Sluggo fed the wildlife, 
I got sick and barfed all over my life jacket. 
I didn’t realize I’d eaten that much! 
I don’t think I had. 
I think I puked out an appendix, a couple tonsils, 
and whatever else our bodies don’t really need. 
Maybe even an adenoid or two too. 

I’m a big fan of life, 
so even though I “lost my lunch”, 
as well as several meals prior, 
I couldn’t stop rowing and frantically pounding 
the snouts of the attacking sharks. 
In the midst of menacing shark frenzy, 
I sensed the largest of the predators rising from the depths. 
I knew a sea monster of that magnitude 
could easily capsize the canoe and swallow me whole. 
Like Quint says: 
“A little shaking; a little tenderizing; 
and down I’d go.”*** 

I could feel the mammoth monster speeding closer. 
In a last ditch ever to avoid feeding the fish, 
I called out to Biggie, 
“I’ll let you keep the free prize that comes inside 
every delicious box!” 

Bigfoot growled with delight. 
Most of the sharks got the message. 
Too bad the big one zooming from below 
didn’t get the memo in time. 
He shattered the hull with his jaws, 
which tossed me several stories high into the air. 
Getting motion sickness from being flung so high, 
I messed up my life jacket once again. 

As I finally started to fall, 
plummeting back toward the water, 
the mongo shark waited below me with his jaws agape. 
He almost seemed to smile. 
A part of me felt strangely flattered. 
I mean, I always thought I looked delicious. 
But it was nice hearing it from someone else.

Biggie howled like a wounded werewolf in a B movie. 
He stood too far away to intervene. 
Although speeding toward my doom, 
I managed to see Bigfoot had a tear in  his eye. 
But just when all hope seemed lost, 
what I thought could never happen, 
happened. 
My situation worsened.****

TO BE CONTINUED!

(I hope.)

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

* See my previous post: 
Backpacking with Bigfoot in Bermuda. 

** Line from the “Gilligan’s Island” theme song. 

*** Quint and slightly adapted line from “Jaws”. 

**** Lines from File #145: 
Unraveling the Mystery of the Mummy 
in “Monster Laughs”. 

Come Back Tomorrow for: 

Canoeing with Sharks 2: 
Am I Really on the Menu?

Shark Attack!!

Published on May 5, 2012 by

Just For Laughs Gags

Author Unknown:
What did the street shark say 
when something radical happened? 
JAWESOME! 

From Seasons Without Reason:
Beach fun at Ocean City.  
After seven swimmers have been attacked, 
the Coast Guard hooks a sizable man-eater offshore.  
The crew labors feverishly; 
and as the sun sets, they reel in the predator.  
Much to everyone’s amazement, 
it’s a Bengal tiger in scuba gear.

Author Unknown:
Did you hear about the aquarium owner? 
His shark was worse than his pike.

Dean Burkey:
Never French kiss a shark.

Author Unknown:
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean 
spied survivors of a sunken ship.  
“Follow me, son,” the father shark said to the son shark; 
and they swam to the mass of people.  
“First we swim around them a few times 
with just the tip of our fins showing.”  
And they did.  
“Well done, son!  
Now we swim around them a few times 
with all of our fins showing.” 
And they did.  
“Now we eat everybody.” 
And they did. 
When they were both gorged, the son asked, 
“Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first?  
Why did we swim around and around them?” 
His wise father replied, 
“Because they taste better without the crap inside!”

Please Note: The following contains a word or two that some may find offensive.

Punch a Shark in the Face! - Comedy Time

Uploaded on Feb 8, 2010 by

ComedyTimeDir