In Beggar Gone Bad,
a rich dude posing as a beggar kidnapped me!
a sudden gust yanked me to the North Pole
and thrust me down a huge, gaping hole.
Down the Dragon’s Hole
and thrust me down a huge, gaping hole.
Down the Dragon’s Hole
brought me
Inside the Hollow Earth
where evil Zandor followed a tracker on my chute
to find the northern tribe,
so he can destroy them
and escape to Outer Earth to carry out ...
The Perfect Ploy
To Take Over the World!
where evil Zandor followed a tracker on my chute
to find the northern tribe,
so he can destroy them
and escape to Outer Earth to carry out ...
The Perfect Ploy
To Take Over the World!
Horrified that Lady Simone wore a dress made from shredding my paramotor chute, my only means of escape, I gasped, making her think I didn’t like her, so she fled. Since Zandor used a tracker that one of his mindless minions hid on my chute to find the northern tribe, I needed to catch Lady Simone and get rid of that tracker.
No small feat since she ran so fast, even with her small feet.
She stood before a river, weeping. Well, she made squeaky sounds and liquid gushed from her eye sockets. That’s weeping; right?
I hugged her as consolingly and heard a familiar beeping sound. Finally, I figured out that her fanciful broach wasn’t a broach at all. It was the tracker! So I yanked it off.
Well, apparently, that tracker not only doubled as a decorative broach, it also held her dress together.
The ripped fragments of my paramotor chute fell away, leaving Lady Simone exposed to the elements.
I would have offered her a jacket, but I was only wearing Spider-Man Underoos.
I didn’t know what else to say; and in my defense, I had to stop the destruction of the Outer Earth by saving the northern tribe of Inner Earth, so I said the first thing that came mind:
“So nice to see you Lady Simone.”
Eventually, I grabbed some giant fern leaves, so Lady Simone and I could play Adam and Eve after they bobbed for apples.
As a pterodactyl swooped down to devour us, I stepped in front of Lady Simone to protect her and threw the tracker into that rascally reptile’s mouth.
Which would have worked out well, except that flying lizard kept circling us, summoning Zandor and his mindless minions our way.
Elvis climbed a nearby tree, jumped onto the winged creature’s back, and called out to me: “I knew you were a hound dog!” He howled and flew away.
A couple of Zandor’s mindless minions followed him in full force.
After they disappeared over the mountains, I heard lots of explosions. So I may have accidentally caused the death of Elvis. But he died a hero.
Meanwhile Zandor and the rest of his mindless minions attacked the northern tribe.
Wearing giant fern leaves, Lady Simone and I found it easy to hide. If we had weapons, we could have helped somehow.
Maybe she sensed that I wanted to help, that I meant well; or she felt frightened of how awry the day had gone; or she just liked that smirky smile I get when I’m trapped inside the Earth with no viable means of escape, because Lady Simone wrapped her arms around me and kissed me.
Actually, sexy women hug and kiss me all the time; and I have no idea why. Okay, it’s probably my smirky smile.
After a magical moment, I stopped the kiss to ask Lady Simone, “Your mouthwash? Is that 10 W 40?”
She nodded.
Gasp! She wasn’t real. Lady Simone is an android! A bot. I finally fall in love with someone wonderful; and she turns out to be a glorified toaster. An answering machine with legs.
The woman of my dreams is Lady Simulation One. That’s what Elvis tried to tell me; and I laughed at him. My bad! I should’ve figured that out sooner too, since I saw that movie with Al Pacino!
Oh clickety-clickety-click-click-click, I’ll never find another woman like you! Unless you’re in next year’s Robots-R-Us catalog.
My mom was right. The perfect woman doesn’t exist; she isn’t real.
Ugh! The world’s coming to an end, inside and out; and I fell in love with a tanned, long-haired, microwave oven.
Hated to think I’d caused the annihilation of the northern tribe. Which would also lead to the end of the Outer Earth.
I prayed for a miracle. But what I got was a Thriller!
Wearing his royal blue Sgt. Pepper band leader outfit, while riding atop a pterodactyl, Michael Jackson led the southern tribe to fight Zandor and his mindless minions, to help the northern tribe.
Michael giggled. “If only Tito could see me now!”
By uniting, the northern and southern tribes were able to prevent Zandor and his mindless minions from soaring out the hole at the North Pole to attack the people of Outer Earth.
Even Elvis flew in, leading the northern tribe. Yay! Elvis lives!
Seemed like the perfect way to stop the enemy, but then I realized, that it was probably just a diversion.
The perfect ploy!
By coming to the aid of the northern tribe, the southern tribe left the Antarctica hole exposed.
Thus, a team of elite mindless minions could sneak through to the Outer Earth where they’ll use their shape-shifting powers to infiltrate the highest forms of government.
And banking, of course, because certain bankers run the governments of the world anyway.
Dean
This is a work of humor/parody.
This is a work of humor/parody.
AUGUST 14 BONUS: Happy Birthday Steve Martin!
*AUGUST 15: Is This Really the End?
AUGUST 17: My Most Popular Blog Posts to Date
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