Is This Really The End?

In Beggar Gone Bad, 

a rich dude posing as a beggar kidnapped me!

In The Unexpected Peril of Paramotoring, 

a sudden gust yanked me to the North Pole 
and thrust me down a huge, gaping hole.
Down the Dragon’s Hole

brought me 

Inside the Hollow Earth
where evil Zandor followed a tracker on my chute 
to find the northern tribe, 
so he can destroy them 
and escape to Outer Earth to carry out 
The Perfect Ploy To Take Over the World.
With the battle raging 
inside the hole at the North Pole, 
Zandor’s mindless minions race 
to escape out the hole at the South Pole.
How can I possibly stop them? 
I’m still brokenhearted that Lady Simone 
turned out to be a robot!
But if I can’t stop those mindless minions, ...

Is This Really The End?

Photo Source: http://hydralisk.wordpress.com/2007/03/21/hollow-earth-theory/
The infamous hole at the South Pole!

Throwing aside my giant fern leaf, I ran into the open and called out, “Elvis! Jacko! I need a ride!” 

The two heroic music legends the King of Rock and Roll and the King of Pop nodded and slammed their pterodactyls into the aircraft of one of Zandor’s mindless minions, forcing him to land. 

I didn’t know it then, but during that fracas, Elvis’ pterodactyl bit one of the propulsion lines. Not his fault. I should’ve checked the vehicle before flying off in it. My bad! 

After a quick perusal of the controls, which seemed simple enough, up/down, fast/slow, steering wheel, etc., I hijacked the aircraft and zoomed toward the hole at the South Pole, hoping I wasn’t too late. 

I caught up to a squadron of eighteen mindless minions and opened fire, taking out three of them. 

The other fifteen zoomed down the hole with me in hot pursuit. 

After a strange maneuver at the center of gravity where I took out two more of those mindless minions, I resumed speeding after them. 

Knowing what was at stake, I kept accelerating as much as I could. Pushing the turbo drive harder and harder. 

I drew closer, but they still escaped to the Outer Earth before I could stop them. 

I figured once I got out of the hole, I could pin them down in Antarctica to thwart their evil plan. 

Unfortunately, the bit propulsion line finally killed the turbo drive. My aircraft died right before I reached the end of the hole. 

Thirteen of Zandor’s mindless minions got away. 

Thirteen? That can’t be good. 

As the aircraft started to plummet, I ejected and landed on the edge of the hole where I struggled to climb out. Mere inches from safety. But the distance might as well have been miles. 

I released the ejection seat which weighed on me, but in doing so, I also released the parachute attached to it. 

Immediately thereafter, I couldn’t help but ponder how handy a parachute would have been at that moment. But I also knew I couldn’t endure another slow descent back to the Inner Earth. 

Plus, I’d be stuck in the middle at the center of gravity. Anything seemed better than that. Even my impending doom. ... 

I started to slip and dreaded the thought of falling hundreds of miles where I’d be crushed into jelly at the center of gravity. 

Jelly or salsa. Either way, it wouldn’t be pleasant. But it would be messy. And hideously fatal. 

I had no more strength. I’d been through too much and lost so much sleep. Every muscle felt exhausted. I couldn’t hang on any longer. But at least I’d die, knowing I did my best. 

A disturbing thought haunted me: “Is this really the end?”

In a last ditch effort, I strained with all my might to pull myself up. I wanted to survive to to see my niece’s wedding. 

Didn’t want my untimely demise casting an unwanted melancholy over the festivities. Plus, knowing my niece, there should be lots of chocolaty treats! 

More than that though, I wanted to survive to see my wedding! 

If only to see who’s under the veil. Who won the Lottery of Love to claim the Dean Prize of a Lifetime? 

Oh! If only Lady Simone hadn’t been a bot! 

Using immense determination and will, I raised myself up about half a foot. Unfortunately, my hand and forearm muscles fatigued spasmodically. Talk about a slippery slope. 

Bye-bye grip. Bye-bye life. Bye-bye--“Aaaaahhhhh!!!!!” 

Although I hadn’t heard the song in years, as soon as I started to fall, in my mind, I heard “The Porpoise Song” by the Monkees, the theme from their movie “Head”.

This YouTube video was uploaded by monkeemen on Nov 5, 2006

Within milliseconds, my life flashed before my eyes; and I became overwhelmed with a tidal wave of regret. A tsunami of sorrow. 

Yes, regret and sorrow. 

I act like I have it all together, but in that instant, I saw how much the sea vessel of my life looked like Swiss cheese. So many holes ... How fitting then my life would end falling down a huge hole. 

Jesus died so I could be forgiven of all my sins, so why can’t I forgive myself? Do my doubts cause me gobs of grief? Am I overly sensitive? Am I too picky? Am I indecisive? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe I’ll figure that out before I go SPLAT!

In my heart, I prayed a quick, but soulful, prayer of “HELP!”

Suddenly, before I could plummet to a hideous death far, far below, a famously familiar sequined hand reached down to save me. 

“Thank you Michael!” 

I sighed and wept intensely. Those were the longest, most horrific milliseconds I’d ever lived. 

Why must time stand still for the terrifying events, but speed by for the fun moments? You never hear anyone say: “Time flies when you’re being horrified.”

Jacko said he jetpacked up a secret tunnel to try to stop those mindless minions, but he arrived too late.

I thought, “A tunnel more secret than this?”, but I said, “Not in my book, Michael. In my book, you arrived just in time.” 

He giggled, ruffled my hair, and said, “Yes, I did, my little Starfish. For you, I sure did.” 

(I still have no idea what he meant by that. But I do know he could have stopped Zandor’s mindless minions, if he hadn’t stopped to save me. So I’ll always be indebted to him for that. A true hero.) 

I wept tears of gratitude, which are just as messy as tears of regret, but feel far more satisfying. 

Michael beamed his Grammy-winning smile and told me to heal the world. 

I promised to do my best and said, “You’re living the dream; aren’t you?” 

“I always do. Peace out.” Michael giggled exuberantly as he jumped into the hole. “Whoo!” 

I ran to the side in time to watch his parachute unfurl. Brave man enduring that long descent. I knew I couldn’t suffer through that ordeal again. 

Ha! Typical Michael; his chute had a picture of Bubbles. He also wore a jetpack underneath, so he could make the gravity change halfway down. 

I assume he planned to parachute to the center of gravity and then jetpack the rest of the way, so he could continue to protect the southern tribe and resume the fight against Zandor and his mindless minions that still remained inside the Inner Earth. 

Although upset that I couldn’t stop those thirteen mindless minions, I sighed in relief to have survived such a harrowing ordeal, only to turn around and find myself surrounded by ... 

Gulp! Yay! Felt good to be able to gulp again. Or it would have if I hadn’t been surrounded by ... penguins!  

Photo Source: http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=16261&picture=group-of-penguins

Photo by: Vera Kratochvil

Ill-tempered, rabid penguins?! 

Nope! Just helpful, fun-to-be-around, party penguins. 

Search party penguins. 

Those tuxedoed, flightless birds made me drink some icky goo. 

Being outnumbered; and because they dressed better than me, I acquiesced. (A sales technique I need to remember.) 

After gulping down that icky, icy beverage, I felt dizzy and collapsed, almost falling back down that dastardly hole! 

But those party penguins caught me in time. 

I awoke in bed. 

I would’ve thought the whole Inside/Out Adventure had been a strange and eerie dream, except whoever dressed me for bed, put on the wrong Underoos. 

Besides, if it was all a dream, why did the mindless minions who were already placed in high-level government and banking positions declare the north and south poles No-Fly Zones? 

They don’t want us to know about the Inner Earth! ‘Cause then we could stop Zandor and the rest of his mindless minions. 

And yes, sadly, Zandor’s already placed many of his mindless minions in governments and banks around the world. So technically, the impending end of the world isn’t my fault. Yay me! 

I can’t be sure, but I thought a saw a big star marked in Zandor’s Day-Planner on December 20. Just saying. Might be his wife’s birthday. Or their anniversary. Or a good day for the Apocalypse. 

So, just in case, this year, I won’t start Christmas shopping until December 21. 

Meanwhile, I’ve got to figure out what to do about those shape-shifting, mindless minions running our world. 

Hmm. Maybe I could write a letter of complaint. But to whom? Those mindless minions could be anybody! 

I could hold a 5K race to generate awareness. One with a giant check. ‘Cause that’s how The Office helped generate awareness about rabies; and now everybody knows about rabies, so that tactic definitely worked. 

What would a letter to the editor do? Probably just alert the mindless minions to where I am, so they can send a goon squad. 

I could blog about it, but claim it’s a work of humor/parody, so only those in the know would believe me. Besides, they’re the only ones who could help anyway. 

And the mindless minions would then have to ensure my health, and my wealth, or it will look like they’re trying to silence me. 

Ka-ching! I’ll accrue as much money as I can, to make the world a better, safer place and to do what I know in my heart I must do: Build Lady Simone 2.0! 

Blessings & Joy,

Dean

P.S. Thank you for joining me on this epic Inside-Out Adventure!* Let’s work together to heal the world! Or the mindless minions win! 

This is a work of humor/parody.** 

AUGUST 16: Remembering Elvis

AUGUST 17: My Most Popular Blog Posts to Date

AUGUST 20: Book Review: Through My Eyes by Tim Tebow with Nathan Whitaker

* For more fun-filled adventures, read Monster Laughs!

** Or is it? ... 

This YouTube video was uploaded by michaeljacksonVEVO on Oct 2, 2009