Showing posts with label Zandor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Zandor. Show all posts

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Is This Really The End?

a rich dude posing as a beggar kidnapped me!
a sudden gust yanked me to the North Pole 
and thrust me down a huge, gaping hole.
Down the Dragon’s Hole
brought me 
Inside the Hollow Earth
where evil Zandor followed a tracker on my chute 
to find the northern tribe, 
so he can destroy them 
and escape to Outer Earth to carry out 
The Perfect Ploy To Take Over the World.
With the battle raging 
inside the hole at the North Pole, 
Zandor’s mindless minions race 
to escape out the hole at the South Pole.
How can I possibly stop them? 
I’m still brokenhearted that Lady Simone 
turned out to be a robot!
But if I can’t stop those mindless minions, ...

Is This Really The End?


Photo Source: http://hydralisk.wordpress.com/2007/03/21/hollow-earth-theory/
The infamous hole at the South Pole!

Throwing aside my giant fern leaf, I ran into the open and called out, “Elvis! Jacko! I need a ride!” 

The two heroic music legends the King of Rock and Roll and the King of Pop nodded and slammed their pterodactyls into the aircraft of one of Zandor’s mindless minions, forcing him to land. 

I didn’t know it then, but during that fracas, Elvis’ pterodactyl bit one of the propulsion lines. Not his fault. I should’ve checked the vehicle before flying off in it. My bad! 

After a quick perusal of the controls, which seemed simple enough, up/down, fast/slow, steering wheel, etc., I hijacked the aircraft and zoomed toward the hole at the South Pole, hoping I wasn’t too late. 

I caught up to a squadron of eighteen mindless minions and opened fire, taking out three of them. 

The other fifteen zoomed down the hole with me in hot pursuit. 

After a strange maneuver at the center of gravity where I took out two more of those mindless minions, I resumed speeding after them. 

Knowing what was at stake, I kept accelerating as much as I could. Pushing the turbo drive harder and harder. 

I drew closer, but they still escaped to the Outer Earth before I could stop them. 

I figured once I got out of the hole, I could pin them down in Antarctica to thwart their evil plan. 

Unfortunately, the bit propulsion line finally killed the turbo drive. My aircraft died right before I reached the end of the hole. 

Thirteen of Zandor’s mindless minions got away. 

Thirteen? That can’t be good. 

As the aircraft started to plummet, I ejected and landed on the edge of the hole where I struggled to climb out. Mere inches from safety. But the distance might as well have been miles. 

I released the ejection seat which weighed on me, but in doing so, I also released the parachute attached to it. 

Immediately thereafter, I couldn’t help but ponder how handy a parachute would have been at that moment. But I also knew I couldn’t endure another slow descent back to the Inner Earth. 

Plus, I’d be stuck in the middle at the center of gravity. Anything seemed better than that. Even my impending doom. ... 

I started to slip and dreaded the thought of falling hundreds of miles where I’d be crushed into jelly at the center of gravity. 

Jelly or salsa. Either way, it wouldn’t be pleasant. But it would be messy. And hideously fatal. 

I had no more strength. I’d been through too much and lost so much sleep. Every muscle felt exhausted. I couldn’t hang on any longer. But at least I’d die, knowing I did my best. 

A disturbing thought haunted me: “Is this really the end?”

In a last ditch effort, I strained with all my might to pull myself up. I wanted to survive to to see my niece’s wedding. 

Didn’t want my untimely demise casting an unwanted melancholy over the festivities. Plus, knowing my niece, there should be lots of chocolaty treats! 

More than that though, I wanted to survive to see my wedding! 

If only to see who’s under the veil. Who won the Lottery of Love to claim the Dean Prize of a Lifetime? 

Oh! If only Lady Simone hadn’t been a bot! 

Using immense determination and will, I raised myself up about half a foot. Unfortunately, my hand and forearm muscles fatigued spasmodically. Talk about a slippery slope. 

Bye-bye grip. Bye-bye life. Bye-bye--“Aaaaahhhhh!!!!!” 

Although I hadn’t heard the song in years, as soon as I started to fall, in my mind, I heard “The Porpoise Song” by the Monkees, the theme from their movie “Head”.

This YouTube video was uploaded by  on Nov 5, 2006

Within milliseconds, my life flashed before my eyes; and I became overwhelmed with a tidal wave of regret. A tsunami of sorrow. 

Yes, regret and sorrow. 

I act like I have it all together, but in that instant, I saw how much the sea vessel of my life looked like Swiss cheese. So many holes ... How fitting then my life would end falling down a huge hole. 

Jesus died so I could be forgiven of all my sins, so why can’t I forgive myself? Do my doubts cause me gobs of grief? Am I overly sensitive? Am I too picky? Am I indecisive? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe I’ll figure that out before I go SPLAT!

In my heart, I prayed a quick, but soulful, prayer of “HELP!”

Suddenly, before I could plummet to a hideous death far, far below, a famously familiar sequined hand reached down to save me. 

“Thank you Michael!” 

I sighed and wept intensely. Those were the longest, most horrific milliseconds I’d ever lived. 

Why must time stand still for the terrifying events, but speed by for the fun moments? You never hear anyone say: “Time flies when you’re being horrified.”

Jacko said he jetpacked up a secret tunnel to try to stop those mindless minions, but he arrived too late.

I thought, “A tunnel more secret than this?”, but I said, “Not in my book, Michael. In my book, you arrived just in time.” 

He giggled, ruffled my hair, and said, “Yes, I did, my little Starfish. For you, I sure did.” 

(I still have no idea what he meant by that. But I do know he could have stopped Zandor’s mindless minions, if he hadn’t stopped to save me. So I’ll always be indebted to him for that. A true hero.) 

I wept tears of gratitude, which are just as messy as tears of regret, but feel far more satisfying. 

Michael beamed his Grammy-winning smile and told me to heal the world. 

I promised to do my best and said, “You’re living the dream; aren’t you?” 

“I always do. Peace out.” Michael giggled exuberantly as he jumped into the hole. “Whoo!” 

I ran to the side in time to watch his parachute unfurl. Brave man enduring that long descent. I knew I couldn’t suffer through that ordeal again. 

Ha! Typical Michael; his chute had a picture of Bubbles. He also wore a jetpack underneath, so he could make the gravity change halfway down. 

I assume he planned to parachute to the center of gravity and then jetpack the rest of the way, so he could continue to protect the southern tribe and resume the fight against Zandor and his mindless minions that still remained inside the Inner Earth. 

Although upset that I couldn’t stop those thirteen mindless minions, I sighed in relief to have survived such a harrowing ordeal, only to turn around and find myself surrounded by ... 

Gulp! Yay! Felt good to be able to gulp again. Or it would have if I hadn’t been surrounded by ... penguins!  

Photo by: Vera Kratochvil

Ill-tempered, rabid penguins?! 

Nope! Just helpful, fun-to-be-around, party penguins. 

Search party penguins. 

Those tuxedoed, flightless birds made me drink some icky goo. 

Being outnumbered; and because they dressed better than me, I acquiesced. (A sales technique I need to remember.) 

After gulping down that icky, icy beverage, I felt dizzy and collapsed, almost falling back down that dastardly hole! 

But those party penguins caught me in time. 

I awoke in bed. 

I would’ve thought the whole Inside/Out Adventure had been a strange and eerie dream, except whoever dressed me for bed, put on the wrong Underoos. 

Besides, if it was all a dream, why did the mindless minions who were already placed in high-level government and banking positions declare the north and south poles No-Fly Zones? 

They don’t want us to know about the Inner Earth! ‘Cause then we could stop Zandor and the rest of his mindless minions. 

And yes, sadly, Zandor’s already placed many of his mindless minions in governments and banks around the world. So technically, the impending end of the world isn’t my fault. Yay me! 

I can’t be sure, but I thought a saw a big star marked in Zandor’s Day-Planner on December 20. Just saying. Might be his wife’s birthday. Or their anniversary. Or a good day for the Apocalypse. 

So, just in case, this year, I won’t start Christmas shopping until December 21. 

Meanwhile, I’ve got to figure out what to do about those shape-shifting, mindless minions running our world. 

Hmm. Maybe I could write a letter of complaint. But to whom? Those mindless minions could be anybody! 

I could hold a 5K race to generate awareness. One with a giant check. ‘Cause that’s how The Office helped generate awareness about rabies; and now everybody knows about rabies, so that tactic definitely worked. 

What would a letter to the editor do? Probably just alert the mindless minions to where I am, so they can send a goon squad. 

I could blog about it, but claim it’s a work of humor/parody, so only those in the know would believe me. Besides, they’re the only ones who could help anyway. 

And the mindless minions would then have to ensure my health, and my wealth, or it will look like they’re trying to silence me. 

Ka-ching! I’ll accrue as much money as I can, to make the world a better, safer place and to do what I know in my heart I must do: Build Lady Simone 2.0! 

Dean

P.S. Thank you for joining me on this epic Inside-Out Adventure!* Let’s work together to heal the world! Or the mindless minions win! 

This is a work of humor/parody.** 

AUGUST 16: Remembering Elvis

AUGUST 17: My Most Popular Blog Posts to Date

AUGUST 20: Book Review: Through My Eyes by Tim Tebow with Nathan Whitaker

* For more fun-filled adventures, read Monster Laughs!

** Or is it? ... 


This YouTube video was uploaded by  on Oct 2, 2009
Posted by at No comments:
Labels: , , , , , , ,

Monday, August 13, 2012

The Perfect Ploy to Take Over the World

a rich dude posing as a beggar kidnapped me!
a sudden gust yanked me to the North Pole 
and thrust me down a huge, gaping hole.
Down the Dragon’s Hole
brought me 
Inside the Hollow Earth
where evil Zandor followed a tracker on my chute 
to find the northern tribe, 
so he can destroy them 
and escape to Outer Earth to carry out ... 

The Perfect Ploy 
To Take Over the World!


Horrified that Lady Simone wore a dress made from shredding my paramotor chute, my only means of escape, I gasped, making her think I didn’t like her, so she fled. Since Zandor used a tracker that one of his mindless minions hid on my chute to find the northern tribe, I needed to catch Lady Simone and get rid of that tracker. 

No small feat since she ran so fast, even with her small feet. 

She stood before a river, weeping. Well, she made squeaky sounds and liquid gushed from her eye sockets. That’s weeping; right? 

I hugged her as consolingly and heard a familiar beeping sound. Finally, I figured out that her fanciful broach wasn’t a broach at all. It was the tracker! So I yanked it off. 

Well, apparently, that tracker not only doubled as a decorative broach, it also held her dress together. 

The ripped fragments of my paramotor chute fell away, leaving Lady Simone exposed to the elements. 

I would have offered her a jacket, but I was only wearing Spider-Man Underoos. 

I didn’t know what else to say; and in my defense, I had to stop the destruction of the Outer Earth by saving the northern tribe of Inner Earth, so I said the first thing that came mind: 

“So nice to see you Lady Simone.” 

Eventually, I grabbed some giant fern leaves, so Lady Simone and I could play Adam and Eve after they bobbed for apples. 

As a pterodactyl swooped down to devour us, I stepped in front of Lady Simone to protect her and threw the tracker into that rascally reptile’s mouth. 

Which would have worked out well, except that flying lizard kept circling us, summoning Zandor and his mindless minions our way. 

Elvis climbed a nearby tree, jumped onto the winged creature’s back, and called out to me: “I knew you were a hound dog!” He howled and flew away. 

A couple of Zandor’s mindless minions followed him in full force. 
After they disappeared over the mountains, I heard lots of explosions. So I may have accidentally caused the death of Elvis. But he died a hero. 

Meanwhile Zandor and the rest of his mindless minions attacked the northern tribe. 

Wearing giant fern leaves, Lady Simone and I found it easy to hide. If we had weapons, we could have helped somehow. 

Maybe she sensed that I wanted to help, that I meant well; or she felt frightened of how awry the day had gone; or she just liked that smirky smile I get when I’m trapped inside the Earth with no viable means of escape, because Lady Simone wrapped her arms around me and kissed me. 

Actually, sexy women hug and kiss me all the time; and I have no idea why. Okay, it’s probably my smirky smile. 

After a magical moment, I stopped the kiss to ask Lady Simone, “Your mouthwash? Is that 10 W 40?” 

She nodded. 

Gasp! She wasn’t real. Lady Simone is an android! A bot. I finally fall in love with someone wonderful; and she turns out to be a glorified toaster. An answering machine with legs. 

The woman of my dreams is Lady Simulation One. That’s what Elvis tried to tell me; and I laughed at him. My bad! I should’ve figured that out sooner too, since I saw that movie with Al Pacino! 

Oh clickety-clickety-click-click-click, I’ll never find another woman like you! Unless you’re in next year’s Robots-R-Us catalog.

My mom was right. The perfect woman doesn’t exist; she isn’t real. 

Ugh! The world’s coming to an end, inside and out; and I fell in love with a tanned, long-haired, microwave oven. 

Hated to think I’d caused the annihilation of the northern tribe. Which would also lead to the end of the Outer Earth. 

I prayed for a miracle. But what I got was a Thriller!

Wearing his royal blue Sgt. Pepper band leader outfit, while riding atop a pterodactyl, Michael Jackson led the southern tribe to fight Zandor and his mindless minions, to help the northern tribe. 

Michael giggled. “If only Tito could see me now!” 

By uniting, the northern and southern tribes were able to prevent Zandor and his mindless minions from soaring out the hole at the North Pole to attack the people of Outer Earth. 

Even Elvis flew in, leading the northern tribe. Yay! Elvis lives! 

Seemed like the perfect way to stop the enemy, but then I realized, that it was probably just a diversion. 

The perfect ploy! 

By coming to the aid of the northern tribe, the southern tribe left the Antarctica hole exposed. 

Thus, a team of elite mindless minions could sneak through to the Outer Earth where they’ll use their shape-shifting powers to infiltrate the highest forms of government. 

And banking, of course, because certain bankers run the governments of the world anyway. 

TO BE CONTINUED* …

Dean

This is a work of humor/parody.

AUGUST 14 BONUS: Happy Birthday Steve Martin!


AUGUST 16 BONUS: Remembering Elvis

This above YouTube video was uploaded by  on Oct 27, 2009
Posted by at No comments:
Labels: , , , , ,

Friday, August 10, 2012

Inside the Hollow Earth

a rich dude posing as a beggar kidnapped me!
a sudden gust yanked me to the North Pole 
and thrust me down a huge, gaping hole.
Down the Dragon’s Hole
brought me where I am now … 

Inside the Hollow Earth!


Picture Source:
http://infinity.usanethosting.com/Heart.Of.God/HollowEarth/HollowEarth_model.gif
(Admittedly, their model would be a lot more believable,
if they could spell the word center.)

I just got saved from a pterodactyl by none other than Elvis?!

“You, you saved my life! You the man, Elvis!” 

“Thank you. Thank you very much.” 

As Elvis marched away from the giant fern plants, I followed. What else was I going to do? Feed the wild life? 

“Elvis, what are you doing here?” 

“I like to go where no one knows me as an entertainer, you know?” He twitched his lip in that way that he does. “Fame is fun, but it can wear on your soul, you know?” 

“I wish I did.” 

“Here, no one knows I faked my death; and no one knows me as Elvis, the King of Rock and Roll. Instead they know me as”--

--He led me into a cave filled with hundreds of primitive people who cheered at Elvis and shouted in unison: “Kimosabe!” 

“They think you’re the Lone Ranger?!” 

“Naw, naw, nothin’ like that. I just couldn’t think of no foreign soundin’ name, you know? I, uh, wanted to sound ex-ot-ic.” 

The people bowed before Elvis, but yanked me away. 

Elvis marched after me, quickly, but with quiet dignity. 

Seems like he really is a king. And I’m really lunch! 

The natives led me to a boiling pot, ripped off my clothes, and held me down to decapitate me with a machete. 

“Um, Elvis? If you’re not too busy, could you, um, take a moment out of your busy day; and please, please, please, HELP!!!!!!!”

Once again, Elvis arrived in the nick of time, “Naw, naw, not this one. He ain’t the eatin’ kind.” 

“Thank you again,” I said. 

Elvis smirked at me as I stood there wearing only my Spider-Man Underoos. “How old are you?” 

“I’m ageless.” 

Lip twitch, lip twitch. “You an immortal like me?” 

“I’m not allowed to say.” 

“Then you are an immortal like me.” 

I shrugged and muttered unintelligibly. Seemed like the thing to do. I meant my outlook was ageless, but if his thinking I was an immortal like him earned me his respect, then why not play along? Why not? 

He grabbed the machete from the native who was going to decapitate me and held it to my throat. “There’s only room for one human immortal on the northern side of Inner Earth.” 

So that’s why I shouldn’t play along. 

“And you’re it, Elv Baby! I never said I was an immortal. I meant my outlook is ageless. Besides, I’m not honing in on your turf, Elv Baby. Um, Mister Elv Baby. I just want to get back home. Or I could move south.”--

Elvis lowered the machete. From the midst of the people to whom I looked like I’d make a great bowl of soup, stepped forth the most majestic and beautiful woman I’d ever seen. Stately; tan; with long, cascading, black hair; and emerald green eyes. Everything I would ever want in a woman, except for the deeds to a production studio and a chocolate factory. Unlike the loincloths worn by the others (not counting Elvis who wore a white jumpsuit covered with shiny sequins), she wore a long dress, like a cascading evening gown, with lots of slits in the side that seemed to say, “I love to show off my shapely thighs.” Her orange-ish-white dress with a black stripe or two looked familiar, and was topped with a fanciful broach that flashed red and beeped, but I’m happy to say I contemplated her, not her dress, nor her broach. As I thought about her, I didn’t consider her clothes one bit. And I mean that, slightly better than that sounds. 

--“But I’m in no hurry. I could help out around here. Maybe work as a masseur. Shower consultant. Help repopulate the planet.” 

“Yeah, yeah, I see what you’re doin’. You ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog; and you just wanna be her teddy bear.” 

“Don’t be cruel, Elvis. Not to a heart that’s true.” 

“Her name’s Lady Sim-one.” 

“Really?” I chuckled. I couldn’t help myself. Elvis mispronounced her name in such a silly way. Like Sim-Won, instead of the proper pronunciation of Sim-Moan. No offense to him or anything. He’s still the King of Rock and Roll; and/or Kimosabe, depending on which side of the Earth you live on. Or in. 

“Naw, naw, it’s (he made a series of clicking sounds). But I didn’t think you’d remember all that.” 

“Good call.” 

Lady Simone (or clickety-clickety-click-click-click) sashayed toward me with an alluring, inviting smile. My favorite kind! 

I returned the smile by beaming back at her. Seemed like the polite thing to do. Plus, I couldn’t help myself. As she stepped closer and reached for my hand, however, my heart stopped. But not in a good way. GASP!!! 

Her dress was made out of my paramotor chute! 

Now I’ll never get home. 

Lady Simone saw the horrified look on my face. She returned the horror by gasping back at me. She let go of my hand and turned to flee, weeping all the way. Oops! 

Now I’ll never get home. And I won’t have much fun here either! 

I ran after Lady Simone to console her, and to explain, and to see if I could make a much better impression; and if there was a movie theater down here, if she’d wanna go see it with me. 

I wondered: Does Inner Earth have miniature golf? 

Suddenly, Zandor, the ruthless ruler of Inner Earth, found the formerly secret cave of the northern tribe. He and his countless troops (a.k.a. mindless minions, albeit heavily-armed mindless minions, but mindless just the same) surrounded the cave, hoping to annihilate us. 

But why me? I just got here. And I’m loads of fun to have around.

Apparently, one of his mindless minions put a tracker on my paramotor chute after I hid it under that first giant fern leaf, but before the natives found it and made a dress out of it. 

Zandor roared in victory, having finally found the secret home of the northern tribe whom he longed to vanquish! 

Now I’ll never get home. I won’t have much fun. And I won’t live much longer! 

If that’s not bad enough, Zandor wants to destroy the northern tribe, because they guard the hole at the north pole. 

With the northern tribe out of the way, Zandor and his massive amount of mindless minions can escape to Outer Earth to destroy us! 

Or rather, the rest of you, because it looks I’m about to be as destroyed as one can be. 

This must be why most people don’t give to beggars! 

Now I’ll never get home. I won’t have much fun. I won’t live much longer. And I may have inadvertently caused the end of all life as we know it. 

My bad!

TO BE CONTINUED* …

Dean

This is a work of humor/parody.


Posted by at No comments:
Labels: , , ,
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)