The Best British Comedy Routine

The Best 
British Comedy Routine

The Two Ronnies!

Uploaded on Dec 21, 2010 by
Gareth Leatham

Photo Source:

Ronnie Corbett Ronnie Barker BBC 

The Two Ronnies 

Original 8x10" Photo #D9088

by Jerry Ohlinger's Movie Material Store

Tommy Cooper:

I used to be indecisive, 

but now I am not quite sure.

Eric Morecambe:

My neighbour asked 

if he could use my lawnmower 

and I told him of course he could, 

so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Stephen Fry:

An original idea. 

That can't be too hard. 

The library must full of them.

Tim Vine:

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' 

- I couldn't put it down.

Tommy Cooper:

Police arrested two kids yesterday, 

one was drinking battery acid, 

the other was eating fireworks. 

They charged one and let the other one off.

All the Best,

Dean

Please Note:
Mostly near the beginning,
some of the following language may deemed offensive.

Uploaded on Nov 14, 2008 by
MontyPython

An Apple a Day Keeps the Doctor Away?

An Apple a Day 
Keeps the Doctor Away?

by
Dean Burkey


Photo Source:

Close-up Of A Woman Holding A Red Apple In Her Hand

by: Petr Kratochvil

http://www.freestockphotos.biz/stockphoto/11712

They say "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
But they never said the apple couldn't be in a pie!

Or part of a cobbler. 
My apples like to cobble! 

How about a hearty bowl of Apple Jacks?
You keep the doctor away; 
and you get a free prize inside 
every delicious, specially-marked box. 
(While supplies last.) 

They have to say "While supplies last" 
in case there's a zombie apocalypse; 
because the undead like nothing better than 
a big bowl of sugary breakfast cereal. 

Forget apples! 
What about a costly malpractice suit?
That should keep the doctor too; 
and you might make yourself a few bucks. 

Your attorney will make lots and lots of bucks, 
but you might make yourself a few too.

But what's so bad about the doctor 
that we keep wanting to keep him away? 
When his next birthday rolls around, 
we can all chip in and get him 
some breath mints, cologne, and Febreze. 

And let's get him a thermometer too, 
so he'll know just how cold his stethoscope is!

You know what though? 
I'll bet he keeps that thing in the freezer, 
'cause he thinks it's funny to make us shiver. 
Which also explains why 
he makes us strip down in that cold room. 
And that's why we want to keep him away!

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

Author Unknown:

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

David Brenner:

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, 

and a guy comes over and asks 

"Are you reading that?" 

I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. 

I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

Author Unknown:

A man walks into a bar 

with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: 

''Pint please, and one for the road.''

Bill Braudis:

I failed my driver’s test. 

The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" 

I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio…

Author Unknown:

Our dog left so many disgusting stains on our carpet 

that we had to buy new carpet. 

I didn't want to be stupid about the new purchase, 

so I cut the stains out of the old carpet.

When the carpet guy asked what color we wanted, 

I pulled out the stained patches and said, 

"Yeah, can you match this color!"

Rodney Dangerfield:

I went to a fight the other night 

and a hockey game broke out.

Funniest Joke I Ever Heard 1984 Brooke Shields  

Uploaded on Sep 15, 2010 by
AwardsShowNetwork

The Best American Comedy Routine

The Best 
American Comedy Routine

Photo Source:

Who's On First Poster ~ Classic Abbott & Costello Bit ~ 23x35"

by Mostly Posters

Abbott & Costello are awesome!
Arguably the best comedy team ever!
True kings of comedy.
When I was a child, 
I remember feeling elated to find 
the book "Who's on First?".
Edited by Richard J. Anobile, 
the book featured pictures of their funniest scenes 
from their movies, 
with the dialogue printed in word balloons, 
like a comic book with photographs!
I still love this book: 



Here they are performing their most famous routine: 

Uploaded on Feb 16, 2007 by
Swancourt

Abraham Lincoln:

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. 
If this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

George Burns:
Sincerity is everything. 
If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Author Unknown:
An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. 
"You have him in a brown suit 
nd I wanted him in a blue suit" 
The mortician says "We’ll take care of it, ma’am" 
and yells back, "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"

George Carlin:
In football you wear a helmet; 
in baseball you wear a cap. 
Football is concerned with downs; 
baseball is concerned with ups. 
In football you receive a penalty; 
in baseball you make an error. 
In football the specialist comes in to kick; 
in baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.

Author Unknown:
If you don't pay your exorcist, 
will you get repossessed?

Jon Stewart:
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. 
I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, 
we had an enormous feast, 
and then I killed them and took their land.

All the Best,

Dean

 


Another hilarious routine of theirs: 

Uploaded on Nov 13, 2008 by
VMF214Boyington

Wondrous and Wacky Words of Encouragement

Wondrous and Wacky 
Words of Encouragement

by Dean Burkey

Photo Source:
Face The Monster by Frits Ahlefeldt

First, 
the wondrous words: 

From the wall of a friend: 
“And so in only five days, 
THE LORD delivered more greatly 
than the entire year that had come before.” 
Sounded like a Bible passage to me, 
but I couldn’t recall such a statement 
or recognize the context, so I asked. 
My friend explained that 
God blessed his family in the mist of a trial, 
providing incredible results in only five days 
after a year of frustrating struggle. 
Whenever my friend and his family 
need encouragement, they read these words 
mounted high upon the wall above the breakfast table. 

And now, 
the wacky: 


Studies show, 
that if you learn a new word each day, 
by the end of the year, 
you’ll know one, two, ... 
Easily more than seven words. 

Easily more than eight if it’s a leap year! 

So then, ...

No matter what fiascos you face, 
you needn’t worry, 
because they now make ...

Snuggies for pets.  

If they can make a blanket with sleeves 
for cats, dogs, and parakeets, 
they can do anything!  

Well, almost anything.  

They call them Snuggies for pets, 
but they don’t work so well with goldfish.  

Or boa constrictors.  

Or even Sea Monkeys.   

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

Watch This for More 
Wacky Words of Encouragement: 

Uploaded on Dec 2, 2010 by

IHadLasagna

Bill Cosby:

When you become senile, 

you won’t know it.

Mitch Hedberg:
Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great. 

Author Unknown:
(Source: http://www.jokebuddha.com/Encouraging#ixzz2NkwOngKH)
Mary was having a tough day 
and had stretched herself out on the couch 
to do a bit of what she thought to be 
well-deserved complaining and self-pitying. 
She moaned to her mom and brother, 
"Nobody loves me. The whole world hates me!" 
Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, 
hardly looked up at her 
and passed on this encouraging word: 
"That's not true, Mary. 
Lots of people don't even know you."


Jerry Seinfeld:
It's amazing that the amount of news
that happens in the world every day
just exactly fits in the newspaper.

Steven Wright:
I intend to live forever.
So far, so good.

No Matter What Challenges You Face, 
Always Remember:


Uploaded on Aug 17, 2008 by
badmamapajama

Apple Pie Hubbub

"Apple Pie Hubbub"*

* The title is written by Steve Martin.

But the apple jokes are written by me.
(If it makes you feel any better,
at the end, I include some Steve Martin jokes
and a funny video of him on The Tonight Show.)
by
Dean Burkey

Photo Source:
http://www.freestockphotos.biz/stockphoto/10670

An American Pie Display 

With Apples, A Flag, And Baseball Equipment

by: Scott Bauer acquired from USDA ARS (Website)

Apple pie’s delicious. 

But I still can’t help thinking: 

Sure it’s yummy and all, 

but isn’t this what got us kicked out of Paradise? 

If not for apple pie, we’d live wonderful lives 

where every day’s extreme casual Friday’s 
with perfect hotties. 

Stupid yummy pie! 

Remember when a certain fast-food place 

always bragged about their hot apple pies? 

That was quite a selling point, 

until customers started getting scalded and sued. 

Here’s my ad idea 
for hot apple pie: 

“You know you’re going to burn 

your mouth on something. 

So why not make it something delicious? 

Try our new and improved, 

hotter-than-ever, hot apple pie. 

It’s like a tasty inferno in your mouth! 

Like your mouth’s being burned 

with the best flavor ever!” 

That should send sales through the roof! 

“Warmhearted on the inside, but crusty on the outside? 

You make your old man sound like an apple pie.” 

“Oh no, he’s not an American.” 

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

P.S. 
Steve Martin wrote these jokes: 

Steve Martin:
I bought some pretty good stuff. 
Got me a $300 pair of socks. 
I got a fur sink. 
Oh, let’s see, electric dog polisher. 
That was a good investment. 
Gasoline-powered turtleneck sweater. 
And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff too.

Steve Martin:
I know we've only known each other 4 weeks and 3 days, 
but to me it seems like 9 weeks and 5 days. 

Steve Martin:
Boy, those French. 
They have a different word for everything.

Steve Martin:
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. 
I hate necks.

Steve Martin:
After politely asking for a blue spot, 
which he doesn’t receive, 
Steve Martin escalates in fury: 
“And I come out and I’m giving and I’m giving 
and I’m giving and I keep giving 
and I give some more; 
and I make a simple request. 
I say, hey, could I possibly have a blue spot? 
But I guess the lighting crew feels they know 
a little bit more about show business than I do, 
although I’ve been in the business a few years 
and I think I know what works best. 
I’m sorry, but I am angry. 
I come out here and I can’t get 
a little cooperation from the backstage crew? 
Well, excuuuuuuussssssse meeeeeee!!!!!” 

Steve Martin Has to Leave

Uploaded on Aug 2, 2011 by
johnnycarson

The Great Flydini

The Great Flydini

Steve Martin Is "The Great Flydini" 

on "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson"

Uploaded on Feb 6, 2011 by

johnnycarson

Photo Source:
The front cover of "Born Standing Up: A Comic's Life"
Steve Martin's informative and entertaining autobiography
of his stand-up comedy career.

Steve Martin:

I think I did pretty well, 

considering I started out with nothing 

but a bunch of blank paper. 

Steve Martin:

(Excerpt from "Grandmother's Song"):

Be thoughtful and trustful and childlike

Be witty and happy and wise

Be honest and love all your neighbors

Be obsequious, purple and clairvoyant

Steve Martin:

I know a lot of you people are 

sitting out there saying to yourselves, 

"Steve - you're a rambling guy. 

Is it tough for you, traveling from town to town, 

staying in different hotels every night, 

all alone, not with your friends?" 

Well, I've kind of worked that out now, 

I've got a whole new policy. 

Like, I came into New York early this morning, 

bought a house. Met a cute gal, got married. 

We had a little baby, another one on the way. 

Tomorrow: wake up, have a home-cooked meal, 

sell the house, get a divorce, and get on to the next town. 

So, this is what Steve is doing now. 

Steve Martin:

There is one thing I would break up over, 

and that is if she caught me with another woman. 

I won't stand for that. 

Steve Martin:

A day without sunshine is, like, 

you know, ... night.

All the Best,

Dean

Uploaded on May 3, 2010 by
PeterRabbit59

Another Dean Reads Book Review: The Money Code

Another Dean Reads
Book Review! 
Of H. W. Charles’
The Money Code

Reviewed 

by Dean Burkey

I enjoyed the book “The Money Code (Becoming a Millionaire With the Ancient Jewish Code)” by H. W. Charles. 

(It wasn’t what I expected. I had hoped for a book that would tell me what the stories of the Bible really mean, what they symbolize, especially in way that reveals the secrets to obtaining wealth; like Noah made the ark of gopher wood, so that means we should always have an emergency fund for a rainy day; Abraham was asked to sacrifice Isaac, which is why we should pay off our high-interest credit cards first; or Moses parted the Red Sea, so we should diversify our assets.) 

Instead though, “The Money Code” explained how and why the Jewish religion helps the Jewish people become wealthy. 

With the Seven Noahide Laws, Gentiles can be considered righteous as well. And by following the principles laid out in “The Money Code”, anyone should be able to become wealthy too. 

Not get rich quick schemes. But sound principles. An excellent resource for those seeking to learn what sets the rich people apart. 

I also recommend “WI$E UP TO Wealth” by Ray Divine for more wisdom of the ages relating to wealth.

All the Best,

Dean

Published on Jan 16, 2013 by
ProductReviewsTube

Please Note:
I make a slight commission from the sale of this book 
and most, if not all, of the other items mentioned herein, 
but I still offered my honest opinion; 
and I wouldn’t recommend the book if I didn’t like it.

Author Unknown
A mugger jumps two guys walking down the street 
and demands their money. 
They both grudgingly pull out their wallets 
and begin taking out their cash. 
Just then one guy turns to the other, 
hands him a bill, and says, 
"Here’s that $20 I owe you."

Henny Youngman
A father is explaining ethics to his son, 
who is about to go into business. 
"Suppose a woman comes in 
and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. 
You wrap it up, and you give it to her. 
She pays you with a $100 bill. 
But as she goes out the door you realize 
she’s given you two $100 bills. 
Now, here’s where the ethics come in: 
should you or should you not tell your partner?"

Please Note: 
Some folks may deem 
some of the following language offensive:

George Carlin Talks About "Stuff"

Uploaded on May 1, 2007 by

CappyNJ