An Apple a Day Keeps the Doctor Away?

An Apple a Day 
Keeps the Doctor Away?

by
Dean Burkey


Photo Source:

Close-up Of A Woman Holding A Red Apple In Her Hand

by: Petr Kratochvil

http://www.freestockphotos.biz/stockphoto/11712

They say "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
But they never said the apple couldn't be in a pie!

Or part of a cobbler. 
My apples like to cobble! 

How about a hearty bowl of Apple Jacks?
You keep the doctor away; 
and you get a free prize inside 
every delicious, specially-marked box. 
(While supplies last.) 

They have to say "While supplies last" 
in case there's a zombie apocalypse; 
because the undead like nothing better than 
a big bowl of sugary breakfast cereal. 

Forget apples! 
What about a costly malpractice suit?
That should keep the doctor too; 
and you might make yourself a few bucks. 

Your attorney will make lots and lots of bucks, 
but you might make yourself a few too.

But what's so bad about the doctor 
that we keep wanting to keep him away? 
When his next birthday rolls around, 
we can all chip in and get him 
some breath mints, cologne, and Febreze. 

And let's get him a thermometer too, 
so he'll know just how cold his stethoscope is!

You know what though? 
I'll bet he keeps that thing in the freezer, 
'cause he thinks it's funny to make us shiver. 
Which also explains why 
he makes us strip down in that cold room. 
And that's why we want to keep him away!

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

Author Unknown:

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

David Brenner:

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, 

and a guy comes over and asks 

"Are you reading that?" 

I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. 

I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

Author Unknown:

A man walks into a bar 

with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: 

''Pint please, and one for the road.''

Bill Braudis:

I failed my driver’s test. 

The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" 

I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio…

Author Unknown:

Our dog left so many disgusting stains on our carpet 

that we had to buy new carpet. 

I didn't want to be stupid about the new purchase, 

so I cut the stains out of the old carpet.

When the carpet guy asked what color we wanted, 

I pulled out the stained patches and said, 

"Yeah, can you match this color!"

Rodney Dangerfield:

I went to a fight the other night 

and a hockey game broke out.

Funniest Joke I Ever Heard 1984 Brooke Shields  

Uploaded on Sep 15, 2010 by
AwardsShowNetwork

Cuddle Uppets and Other Strange Occurrences

Cuddle Uppets 

and Other Strange Occurrences

Cuddle Uppets? Really? Do we need blankets that are puppets? Or are they puppets that are blankets?

Okay, Purple Monkey might be fun. You could dream about The Purple Lagoon where Brooke Shields is purple; and the bananas are purple; and the purple monkeys laugh all night long.

That might be a sweet, sweet dream. Especially if Brooke bakes purple banana cream pies.

But what kind of horrendous nightmares will be induced by a Green Crocodile?

"Sorry, Mate. Me Green Crock just ate your Purple Monkey. No worries. I'll put some shrimp on the Barbie. At least Brooke's all right."

That's true. At least Brooke is all right.

But who's this Barbie girl; and why does everyone always put shrimp on her?

I'll bet she's a big fan of Febreze.

Isn't a giant cupcake just a cake?

The whole point of a cupcake is that it's a cake, get this, the size of a cup!

So when you make a giant cupcake, you've simply made a cake.

If a cake's too big; and a cupcake's too small, consider making a soup-bowl-cake.

Oh sure, you could make a cereal-bowl-cake, but let's face it, most cereals are already sweeter than cakes.

Uranium Ore for sale on Amazon?

Riiiiiiight. Why make terrorists and other radical extremists waste their time, energy, and resources breaking into government-guarded facilities, when they can just Buy Now with 1-Click®.

Blessings & Joy,

Dean

COMING WEDNESDAY: Happy Birthday Vin Diesel!

COMING FRIDAY: Weird Products That Actually Make Sense

    

The Worst Nightmares Ever

The Worst Nightmares Ever

Some nightmares are fun, 

because they’re so exciting. 

Especially if they have cool plot twists 

I can apply to my writing. 

Like the time Godzilla chased me. Yes, a monster the size of a skyscraper! And yet that little bit of horror inspired the department store scene in the Space Alien chapter of Monster Laughs. 

Being chased by monsters or other scary beings can be frightening, to be sure, especially when Venom comes after you, even if you are Spider-Man, but to me, the worst nightmares ever are when I’m the monster. Not literally. But metaphorically. Although I was the Hulk once or twice. (Back when the TV show was on.) 

I dread dreams where I’m mean. I hate to think such evil lurks inside me. Worse yet, that I would ever let it out. 

Last night I dreamt I called someone I love very dearly a naughty name and then screamed, “I hate you!” (It’s not a word that would ever be bleeped, but it’s insulting just the same. The insult didn’t even fit the person to whom it was addressed, but I felt angry.) 

I’ve even died in a dream before. (I know you’re not supposed to, but I did.) My chute didn’t open. I landed in Lake Bentley; and piranha attacked me. I’d say that’s fatal. But even that wasn’t as bad a dream as me being mean. 

I dreamt I was working late, writing well into the night. Only I still lived in the house where I grew up. I made sure I stayed quiet, so I wouldn’t wake up everyone else. At some point, I couldn’t read my clock; and I was curious about the time, so I got up to look at a clock in another room. I wondered how late it was. Lo, and behold, it was only 6 pm. Not only that, there was a big pool party going on! So I got mad that I wasn’t invited to a party at my own house. 
That’s the gist of it. 

I had the Venom dream over a decade ago. Before Spider-Man 3 came out. Even before Spider-Man 1 came out. After my appendix burst, I stayed with my parents to recover. While staying there, I dreamt I was Spider-Man. Venom chased me. We both climbed walls, shot webs, and swung around, which was cool. We were at a hospital. Bob Hope and Brooke Shields were both in the dream too. So as scary as Venom’s relentless assault was, that dream was too cool to be called a nightmare. 

I’m Spider-Man; and Brooke Shields is there, what more does any dreamer want? Having Bob Hope present only added to the fun. Venom just made things exciting. 

May all your dreams be sweet! And may you be a superhero, not a villain, not only in your dreams, but in your waking hours too.

Blessings & Joy,

Dean Burkey