An Apple a Day Keeps the Doctor Away?

An Apple a Day 
Keeps the Doctor Away?

by
Dean Burkey


Photo Source:

Close-up Of A Woman Holding A Red Apple In Her Hand

by: Petr Kratochvil

http://www.freestockphotos.biz/stockphoto/11712

They say "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
But they never said the apple couldn't be in a pie!

Or part of a cobbler. 
My apples like to cobble! 

How about a hearty bowl of Apple Jacks?
You keep the doctor away; 
and you get a free prize inside 
every delicious, specially-marked box. 
(While supplies last.) 

They have to say "While supplies last" 
in case there's a zombie apocalypse; 
because the undead like nothing better than 
a big bowl of sugary breakfast cereal. 

Forget apples! 
What about a costly malpractice suit?
That should keep the doctor too; 
and you might make yourself a few bucks. 

Your attorney will make lots and lots of bucks, 
but you might make yourself a few too.

But what's so bad about the doctor 
that we keep wanting to keep him away? 
When his next birthday rolls around, 
we can all chip in and get him 
some breath mints, cologne, and Febreze. 

And let's get him a thermometer too, 
so he'll know just how cold his stethoscope is!

You know what though? 
I'll bet he keeps that thing in the freezer, 
'cause he thinks it's funny to make us shiver. 
Which also explains why 
he makes us strip down in that cold room. 
And that's why we want to keep him away!

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

Author Unknown:

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

David Brenner:

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, 

and a guy comes over and asks 

"Are you reading that?" 

I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. 

I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

Author Unknown:

A man walks into a bar 

with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: 

''Pint please, and one for the road.''

Bill Braudis:

I failed my driver’s test. 

The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" 

I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio…

Author Unknown:

Our dog left so many disgusting stains on our carpet 

that we had to buy new carpet. 

I didn't want to be stupid about the new purchase, 

so I cut the stains out of the old carpet.

When the carpet guy asked what color we wanted, 

I pulled out the stained patches and said, 

"Yeah, can you match this color!"

Rodney Dangerfield:

I went to a fight the other night 

and a hockey game broke out.

Funniest Joke I Ever Heard 1984 Brooke Shields  

Uploaded on Sep 15, 2010 by
AwardsShowNetwork

The Stupidest Things You Can Put on a Salad

The Stupidest Things 
You Can Put on a Salad

Photo Source: Bread Crust by Petr Kratochvil

Croutons are the stupidest things you can put on a salad. 

If someone has a gluten allergy, such as Celiac disease, you’ve just eliminated his/her ability to enjoy the salad. 

Okay, the stupidest things to put on salad would be a whoopee cushion, a rubber chicken, and propane fuel. 

But as far as edible items go, I have to add Spam and Tofurky. 

(If you consider those items edible.) 

Salad should be a bowl of nature’s nurturing goodness, not mankind’s chemical warfare weapons. 

But in the end, short of sludge and radioactive toxic waste, the stupidest thing to put on a salad is salad dressing. 

Not only do you mask the salad’s natural goodness, you glob on calories and nullify its health benefits too. 

Blessings & Joy,

Dean

Jim Gaffigan - Beyond the Pale - Hot Pockets

Uploaded to YouTube on Jun 14, 2010 by
 jimgaffigancomic

Why Do Good Things Happen to Bad People?

Why Do Good Things 

Happen to Bad People?

Photo Source: The 20 Century Fox Harold Ramis movie: Bedazzled
Shown here: Elizabeth Hurley

Ecclesiastes 7:15 (CEV):

“I have seen everything during this senseless life of mine. 

I have seen good citizens die for doing the right thing, 

and I have seen criminals live to a ripe old age.”

Why do good things happen to bad people? 

The devil gets his kicks out of making the righteous jealous of the wicked. Plus, how else could he string along bad people, if he didn’t make good things happen to them? 

In the end though, when justice is meted out, the wicked will suffer for their wrongs. As indeed will the devil. 

What Satan doesn’t realize, is that he could confound the entire universe a lot more by repenting and being nice. 

That would blow everything out of the water! 

God would have to forgive the devil! 

Once the devil finds forgiveness, how then could everyone else not? 

But instead, the devil figures he’s confined to eternal torment in Hell anyway, so he lures as many others as he can to join him. 

Of course, Satan can never repent, because the pride that got him to rebel against God in the first place, is the same pride that prevents from admitting he’s wrong. 

The poor devil. 

Blessings & Joy,

Dean

Eyewitness Proof That Life Existed on Other Planets!

Eyewitness Proof 

That Life Existed on Other Planets!

I can tell you for a fact that there is life on other planets.

Or, at least, there was.

Small part of the Cydonia region, taken by the Viking 1orbiter and released by NASA/JPL on July 25, 1976.
Photo and Caption Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cydonia_(region_of_Mars)

Having had so much fun with my homemade portal to other dimensions (see Jacko, Elvis, and The Albino Bigfoot), I traveled through it again and wound up on the far side of the universe where I found a planet of eerie beings, who each looked a lot like E.T., only with Nixon’s face.

(That’s what made them eerie.)

And that was just their women!

The “handsomest” of their men resembled Bigfoot. Only with ZZ Top beards and a Snidely Whiplash mustache. Strange race indeed. 

Somehow they created a portal to our dimension too, not so they could travel, but so they could watch our television shows. An advanced race would have developed Dish Network. 

Photo Source: http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=22672&picture=ce-space-scene-1
Thank you Gale Titus.

Having had so much fun with my homemade portal to other dimensions (see my previous blog), I traveled through it again and wound up on the far side of the universe where I found a planet of eerie beings, who each looked a lot like E.T., only with Nixon’s face.

(That’s what made them eerie.)

And that was just their women!

The “handsomest” of their men resembled Bigfoot. Only with ZZ Top beards and a Snidely Whiplash mustache. Strange race indeed. 


Somehow they created a portal to our dimension too, not so they could travel, but so they could watch our television shows. An advanced race would have developed Dish Network. 


Their viewing of said shows via said portal had a delay of a few decades. On the plus side, they could watch “Get Smart” and “The Monkees”. But instead, they chose to watch only one show, viewing each episode over and over again, memorizing each line and gesture. The show? “HeeHaw”! 


The top priority of their leading “scientists” was forrmulating theories proving the reality of wrestling. 


Their idea of a harp of gold was a banjo of tin. 


Their global anthem was the “HeeHaw” song “Where Oh Where Are You Tonight?”. Which they sung at least seven times a day. By choice! I would have admired their patriotism if only they had chosen a better anthem. 

Uploaded by delboy85017 on Oct 15, 2010

Sadly, if you can imagine this getting any sadder, they didn’t use their mouths to create the sound made before singing “You was gone”.


Still, for inferior superior beings, they sure were hospitable and cordial. Too bad that when I left, I just happened to say: “Nice to have made your acquaintance.” 


How could I possibly know that those exact words were the vocal code to self-destruct their planet? 


Fortunately the two minute detonation sequence allowed me to leave in time. Just barely, but obviously I returned home okay. Shaken, but not stirred. 


Maybe a little stirred. 


Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, none of them survived. 


What kind of planet would foster such a silly global defense plan? 


Obviously, a planet where the people all loved “HeeHaw”, thought wrestling was real, and their anthem was “Where Oh Where Are You Tonight?”. 


So they weren’t “intelligent” in the strict sense of the word, or rather any sense of the word, except for their nifty portal, and some kind of zero-calorie snack chips bursting with cheesy flavor that were still user-friendly for those who are lactose intolerant. 


But their lack of brains and forethought didn’t mean their whole planet needed to die. Actually their whole solar system, or rather galaxy, since their planet’s destruction set off an interstellar chain reaction. 


The ramifications of which still continue. Echoes of destruction resounding throughout the universe! 


So, in effect, my little moment of polite cordiality may eventually destroy the entire universe. Including us. 

Photo Source: http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=1649&picture=galaxy
Thank you Petr Kratochvil.

But in my defense, I didn’t know what else to say. I couldn’t compliment their choice of a favorite TV show. I couldn’t encourage the primary pursuit of their so-called “best brains”. And I couldn’t applaud their global anthem, catchy though it might be, the first time or two. 


So my act of honesty’s ending the universe. 


We should be fine. We’re billions of light years away. So our destruction shouldn’t be for another thousand years or so. 


Unless Einstein’s theorem about interstellar speed increasing exponentially turns out to be true. 


Or was that Murphy’s Law? 


Either way ... Oops! 

So you think the destruction of the universe is bad? I’ll tell you what’s bad. Wireless phone companies charging hidden fees. 

Blessings & Joy,

Dean

P.S. And what if I did destroy the universe by being honest and polite? I wouldn’t want to live in a world where we can’t be cordial and forthright. Like when I say hi to people; and they ignore me, I think: “If that’s the kind of world you want to live in: Where people aren’t friendly. Don’t complain when people aren’t nice to you, if you’re going to ignore those who are.”

P.P.S. If it makes you feel any better. The interplanetary space travel event might’ve just been my stopping by my neighbor’s during a “HeeHaw” marathon. Sometimes I encounter difficulty distinguishing between my back door and a portal to another dimension. Especially after a heavy rain. But in my defense, I warned them not to double my dosage. 

PLEASE NOTE: This is a work of humor/parody. (If I don’t post that notice, space aliens steal the prizes from the bottoms of my boxes of sugary breakfast cereals.) 

COMING WEDNESDAY: Why I Should Be a Billionaire

COMING FRIDAY: Getting Ready for the End of the World