Eyewitness Proof That Life Existed on Other Planets!

Eyewitness Proof 

That Life Existed on Other Planets!

I can tell you for a fact that there is life on other planets.

Or, at least, there was.

Small part of the Cydonia region, taken by the Viking 1orbiter and released by NASA/JPL on July 25, 1976.
Photo and Caption Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cydonia_(region_of_Mars)

Having had so much fun with my homemade portal to other dimensions (see Jacko, Elvis, and The Albino Bigfoot), I traveled through it again and wound up on the far side of the universe where I found a planet of eerie beings, who each looked a lot like E.T., only with Nixon’s face.

(That’s what made them eerie.)

And that was just their women!

The “handsomest” of their men resembled Bigfoot. Only with ZZ Top beards and a Snidely Whiplash mustache. Strange race indeed. 

Somehow they created a portal to our dimension too, not so they could travel, but so they could watch our television shows. An advanced race would have developed Dish Network. 

Photo Source: http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=22672&picture=ce-space-scene-1
Thank you Gale Titus.

Having had so much fun with my homemade portal to other dimensions (see my previous blog), I traveled through it again and wound up on the far side of the universe where I found a planet of eerie beings, who each looked a lot like E.T., only with Nixon’s face.

(That’s what made them eerie.)

And that was just their women!

The “handsomest” of their men resembled Bigfoot. Only with ZZ Top beards and a Snidely Whiplash mustache. Strange race indeed. 


Somehow they created a portal to our dimension too, not so they could travel, but so they could watch our television shows. An advanced race would have developed Dish Network. 


Their viewing of said shows via said portal had a delay of a few decades. On the plus side, they could watch “Get Smart” and “The Monkees”. But instead, they chose to watch only one show, viewing each episode over and over again, memorizing each line and gesture. The show? “HeeHaw”! 


The top priority of their leading “scientists” was forrmulating theories proving the reality of wrestling. 


Their idea of a harp of gold was a banjo of tin. 


Their global anthem was the “HeeHaw” song “Where Oh Where Are You Tonight?”. Which they sung at least seven times a day. By choice! I would have admired their patriotism if only they had chosen a better anthem. 

Uploaded by delboy85017 on Oct 15, 2010

Sadly, if you can imagine this getting any sadder, they didn’t use their mouths to create the sound made before singing “You was gone”.


Still, for inferior superior beings, they sure were hospitable and cordial. Too bad that when I left, I just happened to say: “Nice to have made your acquaintance.” 


How could I possibly know that those exact words were the vocal code to self-destruct their planet? 


Fortunately the two minute detonation sequence allowed me to leave in time. Just barely, but obviously I returned home okay. Shaken, but not stirred. 


Maybe a little stirred. 


Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, none of them survived. 


What kind of planet would foster such a silly global defense plan? 


Obviously, a planet where the people all loved “HeeHaw”, thought wrestling was real, and their anthem was “Where Oh Where Are You Tonight?”. 


So they weren’t “intelligent” in the strict sense of the word, or rather any sense of the word, except for their nifty portal, and some kind of zero-calorie snack chips bursting with cheesy flavor that were still user-friendly for those who are lactose intolerant. 


But their lack of brains and forethought didn’t mean their whole planet needed to die. Actually their whole solar system, or rather galaxy, since their planet’s destruction set off an interstellar chain reaction. 


The ramifications of which still continue. Echoes of destruction resounding throughout the universe! 


So, in effect, my little moment of polite cordiality may eventually destroy the entire universe. Including us. 

Photo Source: http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=1649&picture=galaxy
Thank you Petr Kratochvil.

But in my defense, I didn’t know what else to say. I couldn’t compliment their choice of a favorite TV show. I couldn’t encourage the primary pursuit of their so-called “best brains”. And I couldn’t applaud their global anthem, catchy though it might be, the first time or two. 


So my act of honesty’s ending the universe. 


We should be fine. We’re billions of light years away. So our destruction shouldn’t be for another thousand years or so. 


Unless Einstein’s theorem about interstellar speed increasing exponentially turns out to be true. 


Or was that Murphy’s Law? 


Either way ... Oops! 

So you think the destruction of the universe is bad? I’ll tell you what’s bad. Wireless phone companies charging hidden fees. 

Blessings & Joy,

Dean

P.S. And what if I did destroy the universe by being honest and polite? I wouldn’t want to live in a world where we can’t be cordial and forthright. Like when I say hi to people; and they ignore me, I think: “If that’s the kind of world you want to live in: Where people aren’t friendly. Don’t complain when people aren’t nice to you, if you’re going to ignore those who are.”

P.P.S. If it makes you feel any better. The interplanetary space travel event might’ve just been my stopping by my neighbor’s during a “HeeHaw” marathon. Sometimes I encounter difficulty distinguishing between my back door and a portal to another dimension. Especially after a heavy rain. But in my defense, I warned them not to double my dosage. 

PLEASE NOTE: This is a work of humor/parody. (If I don’t post that notice, space aliens steal the prizes from the bottoms of my boxes of sugary breakfast cereals.) 

COMING WEDNESDAY: Why I Should Be a Billionaire

COMING FRIDAY: Getting Ready for the End of the World

The Perfect Plan: Foiled! (Part 2)

The long-awaited sequel 
to my previous post: 

The Perfect Plan: Foiled!

So I listed the Ruffles potato chip that blessedly bore the image of the much beloved and dearly departed Mother Teresa on eBay. 


Although I listed the auction with an opening bid of $0.99, the price jumped to $13,675.92 within the first five minutes! 


The bidding climbed over two million dollars by nightfall. Thanks to Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, and the Pope wanting to honor the blessed memory of Mother Teresa.  


Because nothing honors a person’s memory more than having a potato chip with that person’s face enshrined for all to see. 


An anonymous, underground group seeking global domination doubled the bid to four million at midnight, because they knew that whoever owned this potato chip would rule the world! 


Thanks to my adding that fun “fact” to the item description. I covered myself by tacking on a disclaimer that such claims cannot be substantiated; and since no one reads disclaimers, I was golden! Ka-Ching!


As the bidding soared over ten million, with Richard Branson not wanting to miss out on the auction action, I started to feel faint. 


You’d think I would’ve felt elated to make a fortune so easily. But in the excitement of the escalating bidding wars, I forgot to eat. 


Being hypoglycemic, I feared another episode, like the time I “Hulked out” and endangered the lives of an entire continent. 


(Sure, the continent was Antarctica; and the lives were penguins, but still, in my low-sugar-induced fury empowered by a hunger headache and a flamethrower, I almost torched that place which would’ve melted away the homes of those sweet, frigid creatures.) 


So I did what any person suffering from low blood sugar should do. I ate something. 


Unfortunately, I ate the first thing I could find. A potato chip. The Ruffles potato chip that was making my dreams come true. 


Continuing to eat, I wolfed down my beefy bean breakfast burrito that bore the image of Mahatma Ghandi. 


The worst part is, I still felt hungry, so I nibbled on a Nilla Vanilla wafer that looked like Nixon. 


I even ate a bundt cake with the face of St. Francis of Assisi.


Man, was I ravenous! Which didn’t make sense after my eating all those brownies my neighbor Cheech gave me. 


Shortly thereafter, I began seeing the faces of famous folks on food.


I’ll resume seeking fame and fortune after a double dose of Alka-Seltzer and a Colon Cleanse. 

Blessings & Joy,

Dean Burkey

Please Note: This is a fictitious work of humor and parody with no maliciousness nor disparagement intended. Mother Teresa dedicated her life to serving others, especially those abandoned by society. Nothing in this post is meant to malign her memory or insult anyone else. Also, this blog does not endorse nor condone the use of illegal drugs. Even if they are baked into tasty brownies. The main character in this intrepid tale did not realize that he did or did not partake of such. Proof that this is a work of fiction: I did not put peanut butter on the brownies. If you see me eat a brownie without first applying peanut butter, that is not me, but an evil clone, alien cyborg, or shape-shifter who must be destroyed. Or given a jar of peanut butter. Furthermore, any claims, implied or otherwise, that reading this blog will help you take over the world cannot be substantiated. But that’s no reason to cease funding. Because you never know.