Wednesday, April 18, 2012

The Perfect Plan: Foiled!


I formulated the perfect plan 
to become a multi-multi-billionaire



I found an old plastic E.T. toy that still works! You pull the frayed, knotted string; and E.T. says: “Home”, “Elliott”, and “E.T.E.T.E.T.!” That’s over 30 years old, so that’s gotta be worth a fortune. 


My plan? Put it on eBay; and let Bill Gates and Warren Buffett get into a bidding war that rises half a million or more! Woo-Hoo! Big time here I come! 


Richard Branson sniper bids before the auction closes, bidding three million pounds! And though that’s worth a lot more than half a million dollars, I reject his bid, because I don’t know what it’s three million pounds of. 


Three million pounds of chocolate? Yes! I could melt it and row down a river of chocolate. All my dreams come true! As long as my Dream Woman’s riding in the raft with me. Wink-wink. 


(I’m sure my Dream Woman knows who she is, because I’m not subtle. I just hope her boyfriend doesn’t know who she is, because his fists aren’t subtle either.)  


Three million pounds of tuna? No way! Sorry, Charlie. Nothing against tuna. But I’ve seen enough episodes of “Let’s Make a Deal” to know that more than two cans of tuna is the booby prize


So Branson gets cut out of the deal, but Bill Gates still wins with his half a million dollar bid. I take that half a million and place it all on Lucky Lady to place in the fifth at 20 to 1; and bam! I’ve got ten million dollars! 


I use that ten million for Research and Development to devise a way for guys to meet girls without awkwardness for anyone involved; and bam! I’m a multi-multi-billionaire


Or I invest in a delicious new kind of candy that gives you super powers and fights cavities. Either way, bam! I’m a multi-multi-billionaire


Or I do both; and bam-bam! I’m a multi-multi-multi-multi-billionaire


And then I build my river of chocolate, so my Dream Woman wife and I can raft away the day in sweet ecstasy! Yay! 


So I go on eBay to get started on my illustrious and tasty path to fortune, only to find hundreds of those silly toys! 


One of which is listed for only four dollars, but still has no bids. 


No bids?! Are Bill and Warren on vacation this week? Can't Branson check eBay when he's orbiting the Earth? Don’t they like E.T.? Who doesn’t like E.T.


So now I need a new strategy. Hmm. I’m starting to notice how much this Ruffles potato chip looks a lot like Mother Teresa. Yay! I’ll let you know how the bidding goes!



Blessings & Joy,

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