My Favorite Heaven-Bent Blog Posts from 2012

Last Friday,
I reposted my Heaven-Bent blog post 

as my post for My Favorite Blog. 

But today, 

I repost my post for My Favorite Blog 

as my Heaven-Bent blog post. 

While I enjoyed my book and movie reviews 

(including the incredibly popular post: Shark Movies), 

as well as my writing advice, 

encouraging/inspirational posts, 

and my own recipes, 

I must say that these are ...

My Favorite

Heaven-Bent Blog Posts

from 2012

by Dean Burkey

The Perfect Plan: Foiled!

and it's even funnier sequel:

The Perfect Plan: Foiled! (Part 2)

I enjoyed those two, 

because I think that was the first time 

I wrote a crazy story for a blog (part 1 anyway) 

based on something from my life. 

I merely exaggerated the events to create the comedy. 

I enjoyed part 2 

if only because of the silly picture I made as shown above. 

At the very least, 

these two posts inspired me to write crazy stories 

as if they actually happened to me. 

Such as ... 

Photo Sources:

My sampling of http://modernmarketingjapan.blogspot.com/2011/06/stunning-revelation-tokyo-man-grows.html, http://www.michael-jackson-photos.com/, and http://elvis-presley-fanclub.blogspot.com/2010_08_01_archive.html.

Jacko, Elvis, and The Albino Bigfoot

If only because of the silly picture 

I put together as shown above! 

But also, I think this was my first time 

teaming with either Elvis or Michael Jackson. 

Although technically, 

we didn't interact in that adventure. 

But we sure did in my favorite post(s) of all time, 

if only because of its epic nature, my 6-part post ...

Beggar Gone Bad, 

The Unexpected Peril of Paramotoring 

Down the Dragon’s Hole

Inside the Hollow Earth

The Perfect Ploy to Take Over the World

Is This Really The End?

This is my favorite, 

not only because of the 6-part epic quality, 

but also because of the cliffhangers 

at the end of the first 5 posts. 

Sometimes, even I didn't know 

what was going to happen next! 

Plus, I got to hang out with Elvis and Jacko, 

which is always fun. 

I enjoy hanging out with celebrities, real or imagined; 

and I also enjoy sci-fi adventures, 

like this one ...

Time-Traveling with Hollywood Hunks

Fun, because I used actual photographs 

from the Civil War where certain soldiers back then 

looked like famous actors from today! 

Which, believe it or not, 

made my unbelievable story believable. 

Or not.

My secret favorite ... 

Photo Source:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B007P7DHJ2

This Is Crazy! A Call Me Maybe Exposé

Fun, because I listened to the song backwards 

and made note of whatever weird phrases I heard. 

This one got a lot of hits too! 

So why is this my secret favorite? 

It's all so silly. (Like many of my posts are.) 

Plus, perhaps, I'm embarrassed 

that I like that song as much as I do. 

So those are 

My Favorite Heaven-Bent Blog Posts from 2012. 

At least the ones that I can think of. 

In a way, all of them are my favorite, 

or I wouldn't post them. 

(Unless I'm in a hurry 

and have to post something!)

These have all been works of comedy/parody.

Thank you for joining me on my adventures! 

And welcome to you if you're new!

Blessings & Joy,

Dean

Article Source: http://www.myfavoriteblog.com/2013/01/my-favorite-heaven-bent-blog-posts-from.html

   

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Eyewitness Proof That Life Existed on Other Planets!

Eyewitness Proof 

That Life Existed on Other Planets!

I can tell you for a fact that there is life on other planets.

Or, at least, there was.

Small part of the Cydonia region, taken by the Viking 1orbiter and released by NASA/JPL on July 25, 1976.
Photo and Caption Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cydonia_(region_of_Mars)

Having had so much fun with my homemade portal to other dimensions (see Jacko, Elvis, and The Albino Bigfoot), I traveled through it again and wound up on the far side of the universe where I found a planet of eerie beings, who each looked a lot like E.T., only with Nixon’s face.

(That’s what made them eerie.)

And that was just their women!

The “handsomest” of their men resembled Bigfoot. Only with ZZ Top beards and a Snidely Whiplash mustache. Strange race indeed. 

Somehow they created a portal to our dimension too, not so they could travel, but so they could watch our television shows. An advanced race would have developed Dish Network. 

Photo Source: http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=22672&picture=ce-space-scene-1
Thank you Gale Titus.

Having had so much fun with my homemade portal to other dimensions (see my previous blog), I traveled through it again and wound up on the far side of the universe where I found a planet of eerie beings, who each looked a lot like E.T., only with Nixon’s face.

(That’s what made them eerie.)

And that was just their women!

The “handsomest” of their men resembled Bigfoot. Only with ZZ Top beards and a Snidely Whiplash mustache. Strange race indeed. 


Somehow they created a portal to our dimension too, not so they could travel, but so they could watch our television shows. An advanced race would have developed Dish Network. 


Their viewing of said shows via said portal had a delay of a few decades. On the plus side, they could watch “Get Smart” and “The Monkees”. But instead, they chose to watch only one show, viewing each episode over and over again, memorizing each line and gesture. The show? “HeeHaw”! 


The top priority of their leading “scientists” was forrmulating theories proving the reality of wrestling. 


Their idea of a harp of gold was a banjo of tin. 


Their global anthem was the “HeeHaw” song “Where Oh Where Are You Tonight?”. Which they sung at least seven times a day. By choice! I would have admired their patriotism if only they had chosen a better anthem. 

Uploaded by delboy85017 on Oct 15, 2010

Sadly, if you can imagine this getting any sadder, they didn’t use their mouths to create the sound made before singing “You was gone”.


Still, for inferior superior beings, they sure were hospitable and cordial. Too bad that when I left, I just happened to say: “Nice to have made your acquaintance.” 


How could I possibly know that those exact words were the vocal code to self-destruct their planet? 


Fortunately the two minute detonation sequence allowed me to leave in time. Just barely, but obviously I returned home okay. Shaken, but not stirred. 


Maybe a little stirred. 


Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, none of them survived. 


What kind of planet would foster such a silly global defense plan? 


Obviously, a planet where the people all loved “HeeHaw”, thought wrestling was real, and their anthem was “Where Oh Where Are You Tonight?”. 


So they weren’t “intelligent” in the strict sense of the word, or rather any sense of the word, except for their nifty portal, and some kind of zero-calorie snack chips bursting with cheesy flavor that were still user-friendly for those who are lactose intolerant. 


But their lack of brains and forethought didn’t mean their whole planet needed to die. Actually their whole solar system, or rather galaxy, since their planet’s destruction set off an interstellar chain reaction. 


The ramifications of which still continue. Echoes of destruction resounding throughout the universe! 


So, in effect, my little moment of polite cordiality may eventually destroy the entire universe. Including us. 

Photo Source: http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=1649&picture=galaxy
Thank you Petr Kratochvil.

But in my defense, I didn’t know what else to say. I couldn’t compliment their choice of a favorite TV show. I couldn’t encourage the primary pursuit of their so-called “best brains”. And I couldn’t applaud their global anthem, catchy though it might be, the first time or two. 


So my act of honesty’s ending the universe. 


We should be fine. We’re billions of light years away. So our destruction shouldn’t be for another thousand years or so. 


Unless Einstein’s theorem about interstellar speed increasing exponentially turns out to be true. 


Or was that Murphy’s Law? 


Either way ... Oops! 

So you think the destruction of the universe is bad? I’ll tell you what’s bad. Wireless phone companies charging hidden fees. 

Blessings & Joy,

Dean

P.S. And what if I did destroy the universe by being honest and polite? I wouldn’t want to live in a world where we can’t be cordial and forthright. Like when I say hi to people; and they ignore me, I think: “If that’s the kind of world you want to live in: Where people aren’t friendly. Don’t complain when people aren’t nice to you, if you’re going to ignore those who are.”

P.P.S. If it makes you feel any better. The interplanetary space travel event might’ve just been my stopping by my neighbor’s during a “HeeHaw” marathon. Sometimes I encounter difficulty distinguishing between my back door and a portal to another dimension. Especially after a heavy rain. But in my defense, I warned them not to double my dosage. 

PLEASE NOTE: This is a work of humor/parody. (If I don’t post that notice, space aliens steal the prizes from the bottoms of my boxes of sugary breakfast cereals.) 

COMING WEDNESDAY: Why I Should Be a Billionaire

COMING FRIDAY: Getting Ready for the End of the World

The Perfect Plan: Foiled!

I formulated the perfect plan 

to become a multi-multi-billionaire! 

I found an old plastic E.T. toy that still works! You pull the frayed, knotted string; and E.T. says: “Home”, “Elliott”, and “E.T., E.T., E.T.!” That’s over 30 years old, so that’s gotta be worth a fortune. 


My plan? Put it on eBay; and let Bill Gates and Warren Buffett get into a bidding war that rises half a million or more! Woo-Hoo! Big time here I come! 


Richard Branson sniper bids before the auction closes, bidding three million pounds! And though that’s worth a lot more than half a million dollars, I reject his bid, because I don’t know what it’s three million pounds of. 


Three million pounds of chocolate? Yes! I could melt it and row down a river of chocolate. All my dreams come true! As long as my Dream Woman’s riding in the raft with me. Wink-wink. 


(I’m sure my Dream Woman knows who she is, because I’m not subtle. I just hope her boyfriend doesn’t know who she is, because his fists aren’t subtle either.)  


Three million pounds of tuna? No way! Sorry, Charlie. Nothing against tuna. But I’ve seen enough episodes of “Let’s Make a Deal” to know that more than two cans of tuna is the booby prize. 


So Branson gets cut out of the deal, but Bill Gates still wins with his half a million dollar bid. I take that half a million and place it all on Lucky Lady to place in the fifth at 20 to 1; and bam! I’ve got ten million dollars! 


I use that ten million for Research and Development to devise a way for guys to meet girls without awkwardness for anyone involved; and bam! I’m a multi-multi-billionaire! 


Or I invest in a delicious new kind of candy that gives you super powers and fights cavities. Either way, bam! I’m a multi-multi-billionaire! 


Or I do both; and bam-bam! I’m a multi-multi-multi-multi-billionaire! 


And then I build my river of chocolate, so my Dream Woman wife and I can raft away the day in sweet ecstasy! Yay! 


So I go on eBay to get started on my illustrious and tasty path to fortune, only to find hundreds of those silly toys! 


One of which is listed for only four dollars, but still has no bids. 


No bids?! Are Bill and Warren on vacation this week? Can't Branson check eBay when he's orbiting the Earth? Don’t they like E.T.? Who doesn’t like E.T.? 


So now I need a new strategy. Hmm. I’m starting to notice how much this Ruffles potato chip looks a lot like Mother Teresa. Yay! I’ll let you know how the bidding goes!

Blessings & Joy,

Dean Burkey