The Stupidest Things You Can Put on a Salad

The Stupidest Things 
You Can Put on a Salad

Photo Source: Bread Crust by Petr Kratochvil

Croutons are the stupidest things you can put on a salad. 

If someone has a gluten allergy, such as Celiac disease, you’ve just eliminated his/her ability to enjoy the salad. 

Okay, the stupidest things to put on salad would be a whoopee cushion, a rubber chicken, and propane fuel. 

But as far as edible items go, I have to add Spam and Tofurky. 

(If you consider those items edible.) 

Salad should be a bowl of nature’s nurturing goodness, not mankind’s chemical warfare weapons. 

But in the end, short of sludge and radioactive toxic waste, the stupidest thing to put on a salad is salad dressing. 

Not only do you mask the salad’s natural goodness, you glob on calories and nullify its health benefits too. 

Blessings & Joy,

Dean

Jim Gaffigan - Beyond the Pale - Hot Pockets

Uploaded to YouTube on Jun 14, 2010 by
 jimgaffigancomic

Joining the Dark Side

Joining the Dark Side

Uploaded by onlythepianoplayer on Nov 4, 2008

On The Dark Side - Eddie And the Cruisers 80's

- John Cafferty & The Beaver Brown Band

I didn’t mean to join the dark side; and I’m certainly not trying to recruit new members. 

(Even though we do work on commission.) 

Insomnia had the best of me, so I thought some nice music would lull me to sleep. Too bad the music didn’t shut off after an hour, so the radio stayed on all night long. Inundating my subconscious with a slew of heinous subliminal messages: 

“Don’t eat spinach.” 

“Refined sugars and refined flours are fun.” 

“Luuuuuuke.” (Inhale, gasp.) “I’m your father’s friend’s nephew’s neighbor from three doors down.” 

“Everybody’s joining the dark side. Don’t be a fuddy-duddy.” 

Before the sun set the next day, I sacrificed a goat to dark forces and bought a set of Ginsu knives. 

Not in that order. 

Besides a goat and two chickens, I sacrificed a soda can and two shoes. 

Just because I could. 

And they weren’t my soda can and shoes. 

Being a mindless minion of the dark side wasn’t much different than being a member of that political party you don’t like. (You know the one.) 

Besides having to do the bidding of the Evil One, selling our souls for sandwiches with too much mayonnaise and not enough mustard, and staying awake all night without cable TV, the worst part of the dark side was the lack of sufficient lighting. 

That explains why pawns of dark forces always look so bad. They can’t see well enough to primp. 

Before the rooster crows, my fellow cult members and I arrive at the airport to hand out flowers and pamphlets. 

We give them away for free. But we will pummel you if you fail to make a donation. 

Sacrificing chickens and goats is messy. Smelly too! I dislike sales. The robes itch too much. And the other cult members seem unable to grasp the concepts of basic hygiene. 

So I decided to flee for my life, for my eternal soul, and for whatever was left of my sanity! 

Oh yes, and I didn’t like being the puppet of dark forces. 

And they had the dumbest entertainment too! Some dude in a designer striped suit waving a pocket watch back and forth kept chanting: “You will do as I say. You will do as I say.”

Boring! Mix it up a little. “Do as I say, you will.” “As I say, you will do.” “Obey me my mindless minions!” 

With all those commands to obey, you’d think he could’ve at least once mentioned how to use soap, deodorant, and breath mints. 


So, I tried to escape ... I really, really tried.

Published on May 24, 2012 by kellyclarksonVEVO
Music video by Kelly Clarkson performing Dark Side. 
(C) 2012 RCA Records, a division of Sony Music Entertainment

Sneaking out in the laundry truck didn’t work. Who knew they poked the sullied uniforms with pointy sticks? Yeoww! So much for my foolproof escape plan! 

Plan B failed too. (Disguising myself as a bush and crawling away a foot or two at a time.) 

That was a perfect plan! Until the leaves of my bush costume touched the electric fence and burst into flames. 

Not the burning bush moment I had always hoped for. 

Plan Q finally worked! I broke free from the dark forces by sacrificing a can of SPAM. 

Apparently, that’s grounds for immediate dismissal. 

Even from the dark side. 

Having escaped that evil dark forces cult, I feel like I need a hundred Communions to make me clean. But I only need one. 

That is, if I truly repent. And I do. I mostly do. I’m trying to. But I admit: Cutting shoes in half with Ginsu knives is fun! Soda cans too.  

Blessings & Joy,

Dean

COMING FRIDAY: Time-Traveling with Hollywood Hunks*

* They make me call them that. But I have a different nickname for them.