Joining the Dark Side
I didn’t mean to join the dark side; and I’m certainly not trying to recruit new members.
(Even though we do work on commission.)
Insomnia had the best of me, so I thought some nice music would lull me to sleep. Too bad the music didn’t shut off after an hour, so the radio stayed on all night long. Inundating my subconscious with a slew of heinous subliminal messages:
“Don’t eat spinach.”
“Refined sugars and refined flours are fun.”
“Luuuuuuke.” (Inhale, gasp.) “I’m your father’s friend’s nephew’s neighbor from three doors down.”
“Everybody’s joining the dark side. Don’t be a fuddy-duddy.”
Before the sun set the next day, I sacrificed a goat to dark forces and bought a set of Ginsu knives.
Not in that order.
Besides a goat and two chickens, I sacrificed a soda can and two shoes.
Just because I could.
And they weren’t my soda can and shoes.
Being a mindless minion of the dark side wasn’t much different than being a member of that political party you don’t like. (You know the one.)
Besides having to do the bidding of the Evil One, selling our souls for sandwiches with too much mayonnaise and not enough mustard, and staying awake all night without cable TV, the worst part of the dark side was the lack of sufficient lighting.
That explains why pawns of dark forces always look so bad. They can’t see well enough to primp.
Before the rooster crows, my fellow cult members and I arrive at the airport to hand out flowers and pamphlets.
We give them away for free. But we will pummel you if you fail to make a donation.
So I decided to flee for my life, for my eternal soul, and for whatever was left of my sanity!
Oh yes, and I didn’t like being the puppet of dark forces.
And they had the dumbest entertainment too! Some dude in a designer striped suit waving a pocket watch back and forth kept chanting: “You will do as I say. You will do as I say.”
Boring! Mix it up a little. “Do as I say, you will.” “As I say, you will do.” “Obey me my mindless minions!”
With all those commands to obey, you’d think he could’ve at least once mentioned how to use soap, deodorant, and breath mints.
So, I tried to escape ... I really, really tried.
Published on May 24, 2012 by kellyclarksonVEVO
Music video by Kelly Clarkson performing Dark Side.
(C) 2012 RCA Records, a division of Sony Music Entertainment
Sneaking out in the laundry truck didn’t work. Who knew they poked the sullied uniforms with pointy sticks? Yeoww! So much for my foolproof escape plan!
Plan B failed too. (Disguising myself as a bush and crawling away a foot or two at a time.)
That was a perfect plan! Until the leaves of my bush costume touched the electric fence and burst into flames.
Not the burning bush moment I had always hoped for.
Plan Q finally worked! I broke free from the dark forces by sacrificing a can of SPAM.
Apparently, that’s grounds for immediate dismissal.
Even from the dark side.
Having escaped that evil dark forces cult, I feel like I need a hundred Communions to make me clean. But I only need one.
That is, if I truly repent. And I do. I mostly do. I’m trying to. But I admit: Cutting shoes in half with Ginsu knives is fun! Soda cans too.
Dean
COMING FRIDAY: Time-Traveling with Hollywood Hunks*
* They make me call them that. But I have a different nickname for them.
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