Food Phobia
I’m afraid to eat food. The last time I did, didn’t go so well. Even though it was delicious, I’ve felt ill ever since. I feel so sick, that National Geographic explorers keep coming to my house. Apparently, when I don’t feel well, I make the exact same sounds as a dying yeti.
I just hope I’m not Patient Zero. You know, the schlep who’s the first to get sick with a major pandemic that wipes out half the Eastern Seaboard before the next commercial break.
I don’t want to be remembered for that! Instead, remember me for my sense of humor, thoughtfulness, and great legs.
Perhaps I should’ve asked if the Chocolate Coconut Pecan Cookies have pecans in them.
Oh sure, now everyone tells me they do. Why were they so secretive yesterday?
How was I supposed to know that the Chocolate Coconut Pecan Cookies have pecans in them? I thought that was just the name of the cookie; I didn’t know that was the recipe too.
So now I’m super dee duper hungry, but I dare not eat.
Fool me once food; shame on you. Fool me twice; and I don’t wanna be the putz who cleans up the mess.
Yikes! Found out the hard way that even a glass of water will cause incidents. I can’t not drink. But if I do stop drinking; and you find a pile of powder where I used to be, just for kicks, ‘cause it just might work, just add water; and stir! Instant Dean!
If hunger, thirst, and birth pangs aren’t bad enough, I don’t understand how I could have a 103 degree temperature; and still have the chilly shakes. How hot does a person need to be to escape the chilly shakes?
My fever was so high, my eyeballs felt hot. Made me think of the episode of Smallville where Clark gets heat vision.
I was like, “Really? Heat vision? All the powers of Superman; and You’re gonna give me one that’s easily replaced by a book of matches?”
I feel bad that I can’t go to church this morning, because my fever’s still 100.6. But at least my eyeballs don’t hurt.
The church needs me to attend, because my presence reassures everyone about the existence of Eternal Beauty.
Their words; not mine. I would say, as humbly as I can, Everlasting Handsomeness.
And they don’t say “Eternal Beauty” out loud, but I can tell what they’re thinking by the way they look at me. Of course, that’s true wherever I go. I’d be a multi-multi-billionaire if I got a quarter for every time I had to tell someone: “My eyes are up here.”
Did I not yet mention the delirium caused by such a high fever?
Not only does my high fever make me delirious, it also makes me forgetful too. Sadly, I feel like those characters in “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” as their memories get erased.
In fact, the whole point of my writing this blog is to ...
Can’t remember now. But I’m sure it was important.
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