Where the Devil Messed Up

Where the Devil Messed Up

by 
Dean Burkey

Photo Source: Toaster And Slices Of Bread by yamada taro  

If the Devil really wanted 
to tempt Jesus in the wilderness, 
why didn’t he try something much more enticing 
than urging Him to turn stones into bread?  

Jesus hadn’t eaten in 40 days and 40 nights, 
so the Devil should’ve been baking pies, 
or having a hot dog cookout with s’mores!
It’s not like he can’t find any fire.  

If you want to tempt somebody. 

Especially The Somebody. 
Try strawberry-and-whipped-cream-covered 
Belgian waffles! 
With organic maple syrup. 
Or brownies a la mode. 
With peanut butter filling! 
Now we’re talking temptations! 

But not bread. 
It’s gotta be something with whipped cream. 
Or ice cream. 
Or both. 

And have it delivered by a hottie in a Hummer. 
That’s a temptation! 

Not: 
“You want a slice of bread?” 
What’s that? 
The people version of: 
“Polly want a cracker?” 

Satan should’ve said something like this: 
“If Thou art the Son of God, 
commandest Thou these stones becomest 
banana cream pies and hot fudge sundaes.” 

Of course, it wouldn’t’ve mattered 
if the Devil said to turn a stone 
into a chocolate-covered hot girl 
who thinks the Three Stooges are funny. 
Although, technically speaking, 
that is the perfect temptation. 
But only if she knows Superman’s Kryptonian name 
and can offer a reasonable explanation 
for how Spidey Sense works. 
Juggling fire and playing the ukulele 
would only seal the deal. 
Especially if she can play “Eye of the Tiger”. 

Even so, 
Jesus still would’ve said no. 
You can’t tempt God. 
God can create whatever He wants, 
so it’s impossible for us, or anyone, even the Devil, 
or chocolate-covered hot girls 
who win comic book trivia contests, 
to tempt Him. 

Anyway, 
from what I can ascertain, 
the Devil’s gotten much better with his temptations. 
Nowadays, he will only tempt you with bread, 
if you’re on a low-carb diet, 
or living gluten-free. 

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

Mitch Hedberg:
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, 
that stuff is fancy. 
That stuff is wrapped twice. 
You open it, and then still ain't open. 
That's why I don't buy it, 
I don't need another step between me and toast. 

Mitch Hedberg:
I find that a duck's opinion of me 
is influenced by whether or not I have bread. 
A duck loves bread,
 but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. 
That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. 
If I worked at a convenience store, 
and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, 
I would let him go. 
I'd say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!" 
When I think of a duck's friends, 
I think of other ducks. 
But he could have, say, a beaver in tow. 

Mitch Hedberg:
I like waffles. 
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps. 
A waffle says to the syrup, 
"Hold on, now. You ain't goin' anywhere. 
Don't even be tryin' to creep down the side. 
Just rest in these squares. 
If one square is full, move on to the next one. 
When you hit the butter, split up."

Mitch Hedberg:
I hate sandwiches at New York delis. 
Too much meat on the sandwich. 
It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. 
"Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?" 
"Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!"

Mitch Hedberg:
I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. 
"I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." 
"Well, so do I!" 
"Then let's form a club." 
"OK, but we need some more stipulations. 
Instead of cutting the sandwich once, 
let's cut it again. 
Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, 
and in the middle we will dump chips." 
"How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" 
"I'm for 'em!" 
"Well, this club is formed."

Uploaded on Mar 25, 2009 by
xjanedoex17