Monster Laughs: Unraveling the Mystery of the Mummy

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Although taking on the tag team of terror
proved truly traumatic for the Mystery Hunter,
he messes with many a menace
as meeting the Mummy makes him
face his gravest fears so far!

Monster Laughs: 
Unraveling the Mystery of the Mummy

Three Left Side Photos by Daniel Terry
Right Photo by Dean Burkey

To celebrate Halloween!

(Really just an excuse to promote my book Monster Laughs.)

Here are a few excerpts from chapter 5,
a.k.a. ...

FILE #145:
UNRAVELING THE MYSTERY
OF THE MUMMY

The Mystery Hunter faces more horrors
than he’s ever imagined.
Is the Mummy out for revenge?
Or just running a pyramid scheme?

Please Note: The Bracketed Number refers to the
Monster Laughs Songliography.

Professor Horace Howard Hornsby, some poor sap of an archaeologist, disturbed Im-In-Step’s tomb, which made the Mummy moan and groan and attack everyone on the excavation team. That’s so him. But what’s Band-Aid Boy’s problem? You’d think he’d be bored silly after lying around, doing nothing for over three thousand years. On the plus side, stalking and destroying an archaeological team is aerobic. So at least he’s stretching his legs a bit. And airing out his nasty, stale grave cloths. The Mummy’s Curse becomes a lot less threatening after he gets a fresh change of bandages. After a few millennia, he develops quite a pungent odor. I’d never say that to his face. He’d wail and moan all night in that annoying way that he does.

This is the city: Cairo. Although translated “The Vanquisher” or “The Triumphant”, to many tourists, Cairo means “Crowded”. The capitol city of Egypt. The most populous metropolitan area in Africa; and the 16th in the world. But they try harder. A lot harder. But with an odoriferous Mad Mummy on the loose, this place sphinx.

Professor Triple H and his World Wonder’s Excavation (WWE) team fled Doozer’s Pyramid in Saccharin and came to Cairo, only to be followed by the vengeful Dune Buffoon who hid inside a laundry truck. Ho-Ho-Ho waited until the Hieroglyphic Horror murdered two members of his team before he called me. (He got to the bargaining stage a corpse quicker than the folks who called me in File #141: “Count Dracula Sinks His Teeth into the Big Apple”.) I came for the adventure, the call to duty, and the paranormal paycheck, but as soon as I landed, I looked for love. Sick of supermodels and still ambiguous about schizophrenic amazons, I decided to pursue a not entirely unappealing, petite and getting smaller by the day, beggar lady who lived in the alley two blocks from my motel. The Sands Motel in Cairo. Not a building; a huge pile of sand. A bit pricy at $249 a night. But conveniently located in the desert. At high noon, the mirages glistened gloriously.

Ah, Lucretia. Lucretia had a way of being Lucretia. Unlike other sand-covered lepers; who weren’t Lucretia. How ironic her name means Gain, since she loses more of herself every day and washes her laundry with Tide. Although she suffered in the latter stages of leprosy, the parts of her that still lingered looked lovely in lacy lingerie. Or maybe I felt lonely. Big surprise; huh? A Mystery Hunter feeling lonely. The Hunter prowls alone. I used to rationalize such despair as solitude. Woo-hoo! Solitude! But not anymore. Boo-hoo! Solitude.

Maybe Serena was right. Maybe I am “a freaky little fool in an over-sized coat full of goofy gadgets who can’t solve the mystery of himself, much less anything else”. Should I take such cruel words spoken in anger to heart? But why was she mad? Where did I go wrong with her? My monstrous charisma and hunter’s mystique always made her feel so secure. Whenever she saw me, she shouted, “Security! Security!!”

...

Since my nerdy assistant conned his way into Camille’s heart, I snapped into action and posted pictures of Tim “Conway” Twitty in places Pharaoh Scare-Oh visited. A caption emblazoned atop the photos read: “Here’s the One Who Excavated Im-In-Step’s Crypt. Yes Sir, If I Were a Vengeful Mummy, This Is the Guy I’d Attack!” Woo my woman, would he? Never again! Not only would I get my revenge and make Camille available, I’d acquire free labor using the Tim-ster as involuntary bait.

...

My plan backfired when T. Nelson Twitty got mobbed by gorgeous gals who thought he was “The One” and wanted to get him, get him. Or did that cryptic relic really work?

“Hey! You’re right ex-Boss!” twittered Mister Twit. “This is a lucky charm!”

“You crazy kid! Whatcha gonna do when the Carpolator catches you?”

Timmy gulped. Again with the gulping. “Here.” He handed the pickle-shaped doodad back to me. “You need this more than I do.”

“Thanks?” I rubbed the relic all over my body, with a dab or two behind each ear, in the hopes of releasing aphrodisiacal pheromones. “Okay, ladies, here I am!”

Throughout the room resounded a rousing, high-pitched, “So?!”

Asked a couple cuties on the cusp of the cute crowd crowding Conway, “I have the lucky charm; why are you still after him?”

“Because he’s the one who excavated Im-In-Step’s crypt!” said the one.

“Being vengeful mommies, he’s the guy we should attack,” said the other.

Pulled a picture out of my pocket and reread the caption: “Here’s the One Who Excavated Im-In-Step’s Crypt. Yes Sir, If I Were a Vengeful Mommy, This Is the Guy I’d Attack!” Mommy?! The spiteful Spell Checker checks whether you spelled each word correctly, not whether you used the correct ward. See what I mean?

...

Ah! The Mummy! He killed three team members. Add in the Marcie mishap; and that’s four down with three to go. Make that four, since I somehow moved to the top of his hit list.

“Hello, Mummy! Sorry I never call.” I acted cool to avoid a massive panic and sang, “M is for the Many Men you’ve Murdered. U is for the Underarm deodorant you should use.” {1} My act didn’t even fool me. My life flashed before my eyes. I wept. Like a baby. Minus the messy diapers.

Why must the Hunter prowl alone? Who would be crazy enough to love me? Crazy enough? Kay! I yanked out my cell and called The Asylum to leave a message for her on her rubber room voicemail: “Love you, bye!”

Turned to face my demise at the wretched hands of the Rampaging Raggedy Man. I wiped away my tears and pled, “Go ahead. I’m not afraid.”

...

Monster Laughs Songliography

(A List of Songs Mentioned, Referenced, Quoted, Misquoted,

Paraphrased, Parodied, and/or Spoofed by The Mystery Hunter)

Song Title(s)

- Songwriter(s).

1 “M-O-T-H-E-R
(A Word That Means The World To Me)”
- Lyrics by Howard Johnson
& Music by Theodore F. Morse.

... Lots more happens! Including: The Mystery Hunter involuntarily dirty-dances with the Mummy. Our hero awakens alone in the midst of the dessert as the sun rises. His lucky charm isn’t what he thinks it is; and yet it still makes an Osiris nun smile. The Mummy problem multiplies like crazy. The Mystery Hunter gets trapped inside a sealed crypt! He faces his fiercest fears so far! Will the Hunter who prowls alone die alone?

... To read more of Monster Laughs, read the sample from the Kindle edition here.

... To read the rest of this chapter, buy the Kindle edition here for only ninety-nine cents!

... If you don’t have a Kindle reader, get a Free Kindle Reading App here.

... Buy the print edition here for only $9.95, plus shipping, unless you qualify for free shipping.

... Zany, quirky, funny, fun. For teens and adults.

Blessings & Joy,

Dean

See also: Monster Laughs Disclaimer ..., "Monster Laughs" Table of Contents, "Monster Laughs!" - Back Cover Copy, Monster Laughs Songliography, Monster Laughs: Frankenstein's Monster Bolts Loose!, and Monster Laughs: Doctor Jekyll & Ms. Hyde.