Next:
A naughty nip-and-tucker
makes the Mystery Hunter
want to hide!
To celebrate Halloween!
(Really just an excuse to promote my book Monster Laughs.)
Here are a few excerpts from chapter 4,
a.k.a. ...
a.k.a. ...
FILE #144:
DOCTOR JEKYLL
& MS. HYDE
Double the pleasure; double the danger!
And with the Hunter involved,
double the laughs and mishaps!!
And double the indignities and insecurities!!!
Please Note: Bracketed Numbers refer to the
Monster Laughs Songliography.
Not knowing how to break up with a gargantuan gal chock full of personalities, I left Crazy Kay at The Asylum and skedaddled to London, England. I flew in from Miami Beach on a British Overseas Airways Corporation {1} plane out of M.I.A. Gate F-23. Never fell asleep last night. Kept my head buried in a barf bag between my trembling knees. I endured a dreadful flight.{2} I sat back in the back and hurt my back. The boys in front don’t know how lucky they are. Boy! My back’s in the U-S-S-R {3} (Universal-Strap-Suspension-Restraint).
This is the city: London. Formerly Plowonidonjon. Later Londinium. The Square Mile. The Great Wen. A River Too Wide to Ford. Home of the Bridge That’s Falling Down, Falling Down.{4} England Swings Like a Pendulum Do.{5} Across the Atlantic Sea. Land of a Thousand Stances. Brave and Grand. Jolly Good Show. What a shame the citizens of such a significant city don’t drive on the right side of the road. As an American, Great Britain’s a great place to revolt against, but I wouldn’t want to live there.
“Popped over the pond” as the Brits say. Although we in America say we speak English, the way we speak differs from the way the English speak. Plus, they have such unique customs. When you part ways, they tell you what they ate for breakfast, but in the singular form. Odder still, they all eat the same cereal: Cheerios! When we leave each other, they bid me “Cheerio!” I smile, play along, and say, “Rice Krispie!” “Frosted Flake!” Sometimes, “Scrambled egg and a stack of pancake!” Although they initiated this crazy custom, they gawk at me as if I’d gone batty, as they say. (Which almost happened in File #141: “Count Dracula Sinks His Teeth into the Big Apple”. God bless those seven angry Chihuahuas!)
...
“If you say so. Jolly good. Smashing. And all that rot.”
“Are you making fun of me?” The glaring Commissioner folded his arms.
“Not you, sir. Just your country and all you hold dear.”
“Right! Very well then!” Snatching the crumpet from me, he threw it away. “Why are you Yanks always so revolting?”
“Look, Commish. Hear me out. I hunt mysteries, catch monsters, do some acting on the side. Bowl when I can. Love pie. And waffles. But I’m not used to being around regular folks, so I’m sorry I offended you. Although my social skills lack a certain savoir-faire, I’m still your best shot at catching whatever spooky kook’s running around London Town. So tell me what you know; and I’ll listen while I savor local cuisine, without you yanking it out of the Yank’s hands. Okay?”
...
“Be careful.”
“I always am.” I scribbled a smiley face on his notepad.
“Have you gone daft? What’s all this then?”
“A Yankee doodle.” {9}
“Dandy.” {10} The Commissioner gritted his teeth.
While leaving his office, I muttered under my breath, “The right side of the road is the right side of the road.”
A flung crumpet conked my noggin.
After several shampooings failed to wash away my hair’s pungent butter scent, I noticed my shampoo smelled like butter. Go figure.
...
I lumbered to the Licensed Loony’s lab to capture him and take him to the cops. I could’ve called for back up. Should have. But I like apprehending the culprit and bringing him in on my own. A Hunter prowls alone kind of thing. Reinforces the notion of Yankee ingenuity for me to best a bunch of boobies. I mean, bobbies. While they drank tea and chomped chips, I solved the case. I shouldn’t gloat, but I feel such a rush when I solve “unsolvable” cases. Plus, after almost losing my self-esteem to Ms. Eerie’s blade, I needed the victory of capturing the Prescriptionator by myself to boost my male ego. Too bad, pride and summer come before the Fall.
I barged into Joke-Ill’s lab and announced, “What’s up Doc? You’ll make lots of friends in prison when those lonely cons see you change into Ms. Heartbreaker. On the plus side, you’ll never sleep alone.”
“Are you trying to scare me Mudpie Hunter?”
“Mystery Hunter. Mys-ter-y.”
The Mad Grabber madly grabbed a double dose of his eerie serum and brandished a hypodermic needle at me. “I’ll show you what horror means!”
“No need to. I have a dictionary.” With my kitty-like reflexes, I dodged his first swing. “Or I can Google it online.” I sidestepped his second strike too. “Or Wiki will give me -- Ow!” But not the third. Pain shot through my arm. I wobbled. “Was that needle clean?”
“The needle’s clean; the serum’s not.” The Injection-Meister cackled maddeningly. Not like a villain in a B-movie. He just chortled an annoying laugh that made me mad. “My serum overrides your inner inhibitions, lets you manifest your subconscious desires, reveals who you are underneath!”
The room spun. Clockwise, I think. I couldn’t be sure. I wear a digital. As a kaleidoscope of colors swirled around my mind, I pictured myself in a raft on a river. With tangelo trees.{12} Or were those tangerines? Marvelous marmalade dripped from the sky.{13} Fat lot of good that did me, since I didn’t have toast or a butter knife. Felt like I floated to the clouds with diamonds. Gulp! Was my name Lucy? {14} I blacked out. A second? Three days? A decade? I couldn’t keep track of time. Not only was my watch digital; it needed a new battery.
...
(A List of Songs Mentioned, Referenced, Quoted, Misquoted,
Paraphrased, Parodied, and/or Spoofed by The Mystery Hunter)
Song Title(s)
- Songwriter(s).
1, 2, 3 “Back in the U.S.S.R.”
- John Lennon & Paul McCartney.
4 “London Bridge Is Falling Down”
- Traditional, Author Unknown.
5 “England Swings Like a Pendulum Do”
- Roger Miller.
9, 10 “Yankee Doodle”
- Dr. Richard Schuckburg.
12, 13, 14 “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”
- John Lennon & Paul McCartney.
...
Please Note:
A lot more action takes place, but it might be construed as PG-13,
since Ms. Hyde isn’t a serial killer, but something far more sinister ...
a thriller killer, a dream-hacker, gasp!, a, ahem, neuterer!
The scariest chapter so far!
Will the Mystery Hunter lose all that he holds dear?!
... To read the rest of this chapter, buy the Kindle edition here for only ninety-nine cents!
... If you don’t have a Kindle reader, get a Free Kindle Reading App here.
... Buy the print edition here for only $9.95, plus shipping, unless you qualify for free shipping
.
... Zany, quirky, funny, fun. For teens and adults.
See also: Monster Laughs Disclaimer ..., "Monster Laughs" Table of Contents, "Monster Laughs!" - Back Cover Copy, Monster Laughs Songliography, and Monster Laughs: Frankenstein's Monster Bolts Loose!
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