Monster Laughs: Skinny Dipping with the Creature from the Blue Lagoon

Monster Laughs: 

Skinny Dipping
with the Creature
from the Blue Lagoon

Three Left Side Photos by Daniel Terry
Right Photo by Dean Burkey

To celebrate Halloween!

(Really just an excuse to promote my book Monster Laughs.)

Here are a few excerpts from chapter 6,
a.k.a. ...

FILE #146:
SKINNY DIPPING
WITH THE CREATURE
FROM THE BLUE LAGOON

Cannibals, pirates, and sharks, oh my!
Also, lost treasure, a whale, a gorilla,
a navy seal, and a couple grabby blue crabs.
And let’s not forget the web-footed horror
of the amphibious Creature!
Does the Creature want to kill the Hunter?
Or are his desires a fate worse than death?
What else would you expect
during mating season at the Blue Lagoon?

Please Note: The Bracketed Numbers refer to the
Monster Laughs Songliography.

The Creature from the Blue Lagoon resembled his cousin, the creature from another lagoon, but varied in appearance only as much as needed to avoid a copyright infringement suit. And he was blue. He resented his cousin’s film success. Although Hollywood made movies about the Blue Lagoon, none included the Creature. Poor Fish Face, the breaks never came his way. Until he crossed my path; and I broke one of his fins.

This is the city: Blue Lagoon, Thanksgiving Island. Blue Pearl of the South Pacific. Isle of Paradise. {1} Ah, but every Paradise houses a troublesome reptilian intruder. Granted, Gill-Boy’s an amphibian, not a reptile, but I took poetic license. But how dare I make such a claim when none of that rhymed? Hmm. Seldom shown on maps, Thanksgiving Island is a tiny isle located in the South Pacific between Easter Island and Christmas Island. But much closer to Christmas Island. No one would know of its existence if not for seven stranded castaways whose plans for a three-hour tour lasted three seasons, not counting sequels and cartoon spin-offs.

...

The Crabby Creature Feature served as a legend around Thanksgiving Island for decades, but recently became such a nuisance, the council called me to take care of him, because they voted him off the island. The Fishy Fiend scared a few high schoolers sailing late at night, tore some tuna fishermen’s nets, and tried to impregnate a dyed-blue poodle who wandered too close to the water.

I searched the local files to figure out what happened to summon him forth. Tourism for Thanksgiving Island reached an all-time low. (Perhaps due to not being on major maps.) A gold doubloon purportedly part of Bluebeard’s treasure washed ashore. And this was mating season.

Argh! Alone at the Blue Lagoon during mating season! What could be worse? Imploding into a kajillion pieces. Being eaten by sharks. Or rabid bunnies. Being violated by amorous squirrels with buck teeth. Okay, some things are worse, but still. Must my being heroic mean I must wallow alone? Superman has Lois Lane. Spider-Man, Mary Jane. Despite my despair and loneliness, I know my true love will come to me soon.

Meanwhile, I had a case to solve. Experience told me that the alleged Devonian Monster could be a hoax bandied about to beef up tourism. Or scare off treasure hunters. But then again, Bluebeard’s gold could be another tall tale to lure visitors to Thanksgiving Island. A double whammy. Monster hunters and treasure seekers would feel drawn to spend their vacation dollars here. And the islanders would indeed give thanks.

No one sober had seen Puddle Puss, so I must assume he’s a fabrication to attract people to the island and/or keep them away. Thought I saw a blue hand, but with water in my eyes, late at night, while shivering. Was that Swimming Swoosher, Blue Gills? Maybe a killer whale got separated from his pod, ‘cause I heard his longing call close to shore.

My next move seemed obvious: Eat waffles! Then meet Baba-Luau, so we can investigate supposed sightings of Blue Boy. Prove he’s a myth. And find the treasure!

...

I feigned laughter and suggested we separate to cover more ground. After hiking half a mile away from my trigger-happy assistant, I smelled day-old fish and found weird, wet, webbed footprints leading from the shore into the woods. Weird, wet, webbed feet? Must be a diver searching for Bluebeard’s treasure. Would be too easy if I walked right into. Gulp! The Walking Wet Nightmare! We fared to find a Finned Fiend; and what a fine Finned Fiend I found. Say that ten times fast.

The Wet Head jumped from the bushes.

...

The Seafood Entrée with a Bad Attitude stood a foot and half taller than me. Covered with blue, hard, pointy scales with odd blue fins sticking out here and there. The Blue Lagoonatic’s got lifeless eyes. Like a doll’s eyes. Like Kay when she changes personalities. Or Uncle Kenny before his morning cup of coffee. Or his daily dose of lithium.

I smiled, ready to unload seven, count-‘em, seven, rounds into his chest. I reached into my trusty trench coat for my marble-handled, custom-made, sure-shot, seven, count-‘em, seven-shooter. I reached again. And again! Old habits linger on life support. Too bad Band-Aid Boy, I mean, Gauze Girl, turned my marble-handled, custom-made, sure-shot, seven, count-‘em, seven-shooter with the bent end into Furina Crocodile Chow in the Nile River. Oh-oh. Although not wanting to die, I felt relieved Captain Gills only wanted to kill me.

But just when I thought it was safe to be murdered by a homicidal maniac, ...

...

One good thing about steel-heel shoes with soft inner soles? They kick hard. So I mule kicked over and over. I broke free and one of his fins. Gill Guy climbed the boulder and emitted a loud, mournful cry. Like the screeching of an alley cat in heat. Or a used-car salesperson when you park on his pinkie toe. (Don’t ask me how I know.) With my clothes tattered around my ankles, I tripped and fell. Scampering to my feet, I stumbled out of the woods. But the Lagoony Loony caught me and flung me into the cove like a quarterback throwing a touchdown pass.

One bad thing about steel-heel shoes with soft inner soles? They make you sink. Fast! The salt water stung the lacerations on my back where the Sea Slob’s claws shredded my trusty trench coat, royal blue shirt, khaki pants, and Spider-Man Underoos. I held my nose to stabilize my air pressure. Although I couldn’t see clearly, I made out the form of a mako shark hoping to make o’ meal out o’ me.

To swim upward, I kicked off my sure-footed, steel-heel shoes with soft inner soles. Silly me always wanting to breathe. Like a distant, shimmering cloud, the surface hovered above me.

The man-eater circled once and rushed at me with its jaws agape, so I promptly covered my privates with my left hand. Didn’t want more stitches there! As the sea predator zoomed at me, I prepared to punch his eyes and snout with my right fist. Before the mako could munch on me, CBL dove in and punched him for me! Although flattered Happy Gills saved my life, I hoped he knew he still wasn’t getting any action. Not from me.

With the two finned foes fighting, I swam toward the surface owing to my being deathly allergic to a lack of oxygen. Underwater for over a minute. My lungs felt like they would burst. I couldn’t judge the distance. Was I thirty feet away? Twenty? Ten? My hands broke the surface. But before my head could, a blow to the gut knocked the remaining wind out of me. Bye-bye consciousness.

...

Monster Laughs Songliography

(A List of Songs Mentioned, Referenced, Quoted, Misquoted,

Paraphrased, Parodied, and/or Spoofed by The Mystery Hunter)

Song Title(s)

- Songwriter(s).

1 “Isle of Paradise”
- Lyrics by David O. Joseph,
Felix Gauder, & Susan Rafael
& Music by Felix Gauder & Susan Rafael.

2 “Blue Christmas”
- Billy Hayes & Jay W. Johnson

3 “Blue Suede Shoes”
- Carl Perkins

4 “Bluer than Blue”
- Randy Goodrum

5 “Blue Moon”
- Richard Rodgers & Lorenz Hart.

... This stitch-busting adventure is the most frightening chapter so far! And laughs abound too. Lots more happens! Including: The Mystery Hunter’s skinny dipping in cold water ends horribly for him. Blue is no longer his favorite color! Two supporting characters from the previous adventure vacation at the Blue Lagoon looking for treasure. Cannibals versus pirates. Although a homicidal amphibious monster, the Creature does his best to woo the Hunter. Doctor Jekyll’s taunts haunt our hero. And the Hunter does his best to escape! But is his best good enough?

... To read more of Monster Laughs, read the sample from the Kindle edition here.

... To read the rest of this chapter, buy the Kindle edition here for only ninety-nine cents!

... If you don’t have a Kindle reader, get a Free Kindle Reading App here.

... Buy the print edition here for only $9.95, plus shipping, unless you qualify for free shipping.

... Zany, quirky, funny, fun. For teens and adults.

Blessings & Joy,

Dean

See also: Monster Laughs Disclaimer ..., "Monster Laughs" Table of Contents, "Monster Laughs!" - Back Cover Copy, Monster Laughs Songliography, Monster Laughs: Frankenstein's Monster Bolts Loose!, Monster Laughs: Doctor Jekyll & Ms. Hyde, and Monster Laughs: Unraveling the Mystery of the Mummy.