Next:
Don’t miss this next intrepid tale,
if you’re a true blue fan.
Because the Mystery Hunter battles
the Blue Moon Monkey Man!
Monster Laughs:
Don’t miss this next intrepid tale,
if you’re a true blue fan.
Because the Mystery Hunter battles
the Blue Moon Monkey Man!
Monster Laughs:
To celebrate Halloween!
(Really just an excuse to promote my book Monster Laughs.)
Here are a few excerpts from chapter 7,
a.k.a. ...
a.k.a. ...
THE SWINGING TALE
OF THE
BLUE MOON MONKEY MAN
The Mystery Hunter encounters a new menace.
Before he gets himself killed over a blue banana,
the Hunter better solve this case and split!
...
The flight went well; and the capsule crashed safely on the moon. After regaining consciousness, Monkey performed his assigned duties and even illustrated his findings report. The mission proceeded as planned; that is, until the journey home. Dunt, dunt, duhh!
After leaving the moon’s surface, the ship passed through a radiation storm, one of those inexplicable occurrences in nature, such as the aurora borealis, the Bermuda Triangle, and Mister Bing’s third nipple. Bombarded by the cosmic rays, Monkey saw through his suit to his skeleton and decided one banana wasn’t worth the trouble. He aborted the mission as best he could at that point, by refusing to pick up a gallon of milk.
The irradiated rocket crashed into the Seattle apartment of Andrew Pike Edmondson. Clearly, the space team miscalculated the landing site. The capsule was supposed to crash into the Dallas apartment of Arthur Paul Edmunds.
Before dying, the glowing, fluorescent blue Monkey leapt from the capsule and bit Andrew on the neck; and Andy P. Edmondson felt a strange sensation overwhelm him. His body chemistry altered, causing him to transform into a human-sized monkey with blue fur, a crew-cut, and a tail. This new creature, who would later become known as the Blue Moon Monkey Man, felt an urgent urge to eat a banana split, especially since he still had a chance to win the Banana Split Bonus Game.
...
Being a sore loser, the Azure Ape trashed the ice cream parlor with his tail-swinging antics. While most people found that part amusing, the poo-flinging upset everyone. Especially the banker’s wife who caught a fling full force in her face and whose white cashmere jacket became covered in steaming blue monkey dung.
The authorities were summoned, including animal control and extraterrestrial relations, but the Blue-Tailed Being fervently escaped up the fire escape and bounded across the rooftops. No one knew a clue about this guy. So they called me. Blue? Why did he have to be blue?
This is the city: Seattle. “The Emerald City”, a.k.a. “Rainy City”, a.k.a. “Gateway to Alaska”, a.k.a. “Jet City”. The birthplace of grunge music, but only because of a long strike by sanitation workers. Had the garbage trucks kept running, critics might’ve named the new song style Puddle Music.
Being a sore loser, the Azure Ape trashed the ice cream parlor with his tail-swinging antics. While most people found that part amusing, the poo-flinging upset everyone. Especially the banker’s wife who caught a fling full force in her face and whose white cashmere jacket became covered in steaming blue monkey dung.
The authorities were summoned, including animal control and extraterrestrial relations, but the Blue-Tailed Being fervently escaped up the fire escape and bounded across the rooftops. No one knew a clue about this guy. So they called me. Blue? Why did he have to be blue?
This is the city: Seattle. “The Emerald City”, a.k.a. “Rainy City”, a.k.a. “Gateway to Alaska”, a.k.a. “Jet City”. The birthplace of grunge music, but only because of a long strike by sanitation workers. Had the garbage trucks kept running, critics might’ve named the new song style Puddle Music.
...
Kafka couldn’t tell me much. Plus, the measly miser never offered me free samples of Rocky Road or Polar Bear Crunch. So I left.
Spent the night figuring how long I should take to solve this case. Sometimes, I save the day right away to build a reputation for expediency. But if I always finish fast, I belittle my field; and make my work seem simple. Besides, the longer I take, the more I make. I should be paid by the case, but most places operate with a time-spent mentality. I once saved the lives on an entire continent by quickly cutting a red wire. (Or was it the blue wire?) Okay. The continent was Antarctica; and there were only three of us. But still, I saved our lives. Since I took only two seconds to do so, the others didn’t think my efforts deserved much compensation. Next time, I’ll let the timer drop closer to zero and negotiate a much better deal. (File #113: “The Antarctica Atomic Time Bomb and Rabid Penguin Ordeal”.)
In the morning, I read the Seattle Times. A fundamental rule in solving paranormal enigmas says: Two supernatural events occurring in the same evening might be more than a coinky-dinky. (The actual rule says “more than a coincidence”, but I like to sound hipper than the psychobabble found in most paranormal investigation handbooks.) A rocket “manned” by a monkey crashed into a man’s apartment; and a block away, a man-sized blue monkey appeared, peeling yellow bananas and flinging poo. Might be more than a coinky-dinky indeed.
...
The accounts from both encounters told of Blue Fur’s fondness for fire escapes. His second time out, he unpeeled another bunch of bananas. So my plan should come to fruition and produce my hoped-for harvest.
To test a hunch, I staked out the fire escape alongside the More-Or-Less Motel. But first, I bought a postcard from the gift shop. To avoid the unpleasantries of another poo-flinging incident, I wore a plastic raincoat over my trusty trench coat. Also figured an umbrella wouldn’t hurt either. Sure hurts if an angry old woman beats you with it. That’s what you get for taking the last bran muffin. But I meant my bringing an umbrella along shouldn’t hurt.
Even at night, the city in summer felt too hot to wear a raincoat over a trench coat. Within half an hour, I felt like I was drowning inside my clothes! But I needed my trusty trench coat. You never hear Batman complaining, “Aw Alfred, Gotham City’s too hot tonight, I’ll just leave my utility belt here in the Bat Cave.”
The squawking of battling birds serenaded me to sleep. But soon, I awakened to “Oo-oo, ah-ah!” when the Chunky Monkey assaulted the blue bananas.
...
“Hey! You can talk.”
“And you can die!” The colorful creature grabbed me by the throat with his feet and dangled me above the alley.
I searched, hoping, wishing, praying I’d find a thorn in his paw that I could remove, so we’d become the best of friends; and I’d survive another night’s work. Maybe my father’s advice adds up. A career in accounting figures far less dangerous. The only thing that could kill me would be boredom. Or an exploding calculator. Nope! No thorn to be found! Looked like my Facebook status was about to change to: Deceased. My last Tweet would be: Argh!
...
... To read the rest of this chapter, buy the Kindle edition here for only ninety-nine cents!
... If you don’t have a Kindle reader, get a Free Kindle Reading App here.
... Buy the print edition here for only $9.95, plus shipping, unless you qualify for free shipping
.
... Zany, quirky, funny, fun. For teens and adults.
See also: Monster Laughs Disclaimer ..., "Monster Laughs" Table of Contents, "Monster Laughs!" - Back Cover Copy, Monster Laughs Songliography, Monster Laughs: Frankenstein's Monster Bolts Loose!, Monster Laughs: Doctor Jekyll & Ms. Hyde, Monster Laughs: Unraveling the Mystery of the Mummy, and Monster Laughs: Skinny Dipping with the Creature from the Blue Lagoon.
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