Heaven-Bent HUMOR

Wouldn't you rather have your HUMOR be Heaven-Bent than bent the other way? Enjoy my madcap misadventures and comedic musings. Enjoy comedy, funny jokes, funny videos, and/or funny pictures. Please Note: I may make money from the sale of merchandise and other items mentioned herein. Thank you to everyone who buys! In accordance with the “Fair Use” rule of copyright law, any characters, people, companies, movies, songs, quotes, etc. mentioned herein are presented as a form of parody.

Friday, March 29, 2013

Easter Cheer

Easter Cheer

by
Dean Burkey

Photo Source: Olde Naples Chocolate

Today is Good Friday.
Christianity is the only religion that calls the day
their Founder got killed a good day.

And I think they call this week Holy Week,
because they’re busy hiding Easter eggs in holes.

In honor of Holy Week and Easter,
the gym’s offering Pontius Pilates.

It’s just like regular Pilates,
but afterwards,
there’s a lot more hand-washing.

I think Easter reached the point
of over-commercialization
when they started making chocolate crucifixes.

Is that suppose to ward off chocolate vampires?
“Count Chocula, how did you get in here?
No problem, I have one of these!”

If Jesus married Mary Magdalene;
and they had a Child,
could that Baby crawl on water?

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

P. S. Have a safe and happy holiday weekend!

Uploaded on Aug 10, 2011 by
lwentertainment

From
“Holy Laughter! Humor in the Bible”:
Christian books
are cross-referenced.

From
“Holy Laughter! Humor in the Bible”:
When Jesus carried lumber for Joseph,
He was cross training.

From
“Faith like a Ketchup Seed”:
Some people say The Bible is
God’s Love Letter to humanity,
but I think The Bible’s far more significant
than a note from God asking us:
“Do you like Me? Check one.”

From
“Faith like a Ketchup Seed”:

Is it still considered walking on water

if the water is frozen;

and the “water-walker” wears skates?

From
“The Christian Comedy Combo Platter!”:
Why would they pave Paradise
to put up a parking lot?
Instead, they should pave Hell
to put up an ice cream stand.

Tim Hawkins - Hedge of Protection

Uploaded on Nov 1, 2009 by
mauler90

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Some of My Favorite Mitch Hedberg Jokes

In memory of Mitch Hedburg
who died eight years ago this week,

(on either March 29 or 30, 2005),
I'm reposting my most popular post
from My Favorite Blog:

Some of My Favorite Mitch Hedberg Jokes

Uploaded by Christobell04 on Jun 19, 2008

Mitch Hedberg's final Just for Laughs
performance from 2004.

One of the best, known for his hilarious one liners.

Mitch Hedberg:

I like to play blackjack.
I’m not addicted to gambling.
I'm addicted to sittin’ in a semicircle.

I ate one anchovy;
and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

A fly was very close to being called a land,
because that’s what it does half the time.

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink.
Because it would be solid.
“Here’s a drink, Mitch; it's ice cold.”
“I guess I could lick it.”

Fettuccini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer.
Yeah, I remember that day.

I opened up a yogurt.
Underneath the lid it said, “Please try again.”
Because they were having a contest that I was unaware of.
I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong.
Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me.
“Come on Mitchell, don’t give up!”
An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait.
Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

I had a job interview at an insurance company once;
and the lady said,
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
I said, “Celebrating the fifth year anniversary
of you asking me this question!”

You know when a company wants to use letters
in their phone number, but often they’ll use too many letters?
“Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting.”
Too many letters, man, must I dial them all?
“Hello? Hold on, man, I’m only on ‘Enjoy’.
How did you know I was calling?
You’re good, I can see why they hired you!”

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards;
and the dude owed me $27.50.

An escalator can never break.
It can only become stairs.
You would never see
an “Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order” sign,
just “Escalator Temporarily Stairs.
Sorry for the convenience.”

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem.
It’s not the photographer’s fault.
Bigfoot is blurry; and that’s extra scary to me.
There’s a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.
“Look out, he’s fuzzy! Let’s get out of here!”

I’m against picketing,
but I don’t know how to show it.

This shirt is “dry clean only”

... which means it’s dirty.

Mitch Hedberg

(February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005)

Be sure you also check out these other related blog posts:

The Day the Laughter Died

The Comedic Brilliance of Mitch Hedberg's Delivery

My Favorite Mitch Hedberg Routine

I'm in Smokepoint's New Music Video

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

John 3:16 Beautiful Savior Is Now On Amazon

John 3:16 Beautiful Savior
Is Now On Amazon

by
Dean J. Burkey

Book Description

Publication Date: March 24, 2013

A screenplay of the life of Christ by Dean Burkey, the author of “The Christian Comedy Combo Platter!”, "John 3:16 Beautiful Savior" blends the four beloved Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John to create a coherent recounting of the life and ministry of Jesus Christ.

Respectful and reverent, yet still exciting and dramatic, with moments of humor as well, all the while presenting Jesus as fully God and fully human, fulfilling Old Testament prophecies and fulfilling His role as The Savior of the world.

If you already know and love the story, I think you'll enjoy this rendition thereof. If you're not familiar with the biblical account of Christ, now's the perfect time for you to read for yourself in a format that enlightens as well as entertains.

Why a screenplay?
And not a novel or novella?
Because a screenplay presents sight and sound,
that is what we see and hear,
the actions and dialogue of the characters,
whereas a novel/novella does that too,
but also adds lots of descriptions as well.

I wrote the screenplay years ago.
My goal was to convert it
into a novella before Palm Sunday,
which was this past Sunday.
But when it came to describing the people
and places from a couple millennia ago,
I knew I’d have to make up a lot of “information”.
I didn’t want to describe anyone
or any place or anything incorrectly.
So I decided it’d better to publish the screenplay.
Unfortunately, my CD-drive doesn’t work,
so I can’t use my Hollywood Screenwriter
software any more.

I thought there was no way
I’d be able to access my screenplay.
But then I realized
that I was using a version of my screenplay
to convert into a novella,
so I must have had access to it somehow.
So I found the original of the version
I had been converting and changed that to Kindle.

Seeing how Kindle conversion altered the formatting,
I had to go back and change the way
I presented the screenplay to make it easier to read.
Which makes the script look
more like a stage play when it comes
to how the dialogue is presented.

My goals for writing the screenplay
were at least twofold,
make that threefold:

1) Show Jesus with a sense of humor and add
some reverent/respectful humor that fit the story.
Overcome the image of Jesus in movies
long ago where He came across as boring and dull.
Although I feel like the movie
“The Gospel According to Matthew”
did a good job of this.

2) Present a graphic crucifixion.
Jesus poured out His lifeblood on the cross,
but in most movies, you just saw a drop here and there.
Of course, I wrote this before Mel Gibson
went overboard in his more than graphic
presentation of the sufferings of Jesus
with “The Passion of The Christ”.

3) Point out many of the ways
Jesus fulfilled Old Testament prophecies.
Which includes making it clear
why Jesus had to suffer and die.
And include a clear, better-detailed resurrection.

And in addition to all that,
I wanted to blend together the four gospel accounts.

For the cover,
I took the promo image of me
from Vox Visuals’ banner ad for their film:
“Holy Baptism: Water of Life”
in which I portrayed Jesus.
(See my previous post: My Friend Reverend Rick)

I tried to include links,
but what happened was that everything after the link
would turn blue and be underlined.
But I still wanted to include links,
one to my other Christian faith-based book
“The Christian Comedy Combo Platter!”
(which is really a combination of
my two other Christian faith-based books
“Holy Laughter! Humor in the Bible”
and “Faith like a Ketchup Seed”
with lots of added Bonus Material!)
and a second to my blog.
So I put the two links last.
Which explains why the links don’t appear earlier.

All the Best,

Dean J. Burkey

From
“Holy Laughter! Humor in the Bible”:
When you consider how much agony
Jesus suffered for our sins,
you can’t accuse God of nepotism.

From
“Holy Laughter! Humor in the Bible”:
While praying,
we suddenly felt the need to face a crisis.

From
“Faith like a Ketchup Seed”:
Faith like a Ketchup Seed:
It’s not the faith of a mustard seed,
but it still guides me through life
and tastes great on hot dogs.

From
“Faith like a Ketchup Seed”:
Zacchaeus wanted to see Jesus,
but he kept coming up short.

From
“The Christian Comedy Combo Platter!”:
I have a Messiah complex,
so don’t crucify me.
You’ll only be proving my point.

Steve Harvey Introduction to Christ

Uploaded on Apr 21, 2009 by

Jim Willis

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

My Favorite Mitch Hedberg Routine

In memory of Mitch Hedburg
who died eight years ago this week,

(on either March 29 or 30, 2005),

I'm reposting my fourth most popular post

from My Favorite Blog:

My Favorite Mitch Hedberg Routine:

Uploaded by grimreaper10000 on Feb 4, 2008

Mitch Hedberg

(February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005)

Mitch Hedberg:

“You know when you

go into a restaurant on the weekends;

it gets busy; so they start a waiting list;

they start calling out names?

They say like, “Dufrene, party of two.

Table ready for Dufrene, party of two.”

And if no one answers,

they’ll say the name again,

“Dufrene, party of two.”

But then if no one answers,

they’ll just go right on to the next name,

“Bush, party of three.”

Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes?

No one seems to care!

Who can eat at a time like this?

People are missing! You people are selfish.

The Dufrenes are in someone’s trunk right now.

With duct tape over their mouth.

And they’re hungry!

That’s a double whammy!

We need help! “Bush, search party of three!”

You can eat once you find the Dufrenes! ”

Be sure you also check out these other related blog posts:

The Day the Laughter Died

The Comedic Brilliance of Mitch Hedberg's Delivery

I'm in Smokepoint's New Music Video

Monday, March 25, 2013

Where the Devil Messed Up

Where the Devil Messed Up

by
Dean Burkey

Photo Source: Toaster And Slices Of Bread by yamada taro

If the Devil really wanted
to tempt Jesus in the wilderness,
why didn’t he try something much more enticing
than urging Him to turn stones into bread?

Jesus hadn’t eaten in 40 days and 40 nights,
so the Devil should’ve been baking pies,
or having a hot dog cookout with s’mores!
It’s not like he can’t find any fire.

If you want to tempt somebody.

Especially The Somebody.
Try strawberry-and-whipped-cream-covered
Belgian waffles!
With organic maple syrup.
Or brownies a la mode.
With peanut butter filling!
Now we’re talking temptations!

But not bread.
It’s gotta be something with whipped cream.
Or ice cream.
Or both.

And have it delivered by a hottie in a Hummer.
That’s a temptation!

Not:
“You want a slice of bread?”
What’s that?
The people version of:
“Polly want a cracker?”

Satan should’ve said something like this:
“If Thou art the Son of God,
commandest Thou these stones becomest
banana cream pies and hot fudge sundaes.”

Of course, it wouldn’t’ve mattered
if the Devil said to turn a stone
into a chocolate-covered hot girl
who thinks the Three Stooges are funny.
Although, technically speaking,
that is the perfect temptation.
But only if she knows Superman’s Kryptonian name
and can offer a reasonable explanation
for how Spidey Sense works.
Juggling fire and playing the ukulele
would only seal the deal.
Especially if she can play “Eye of the Tiger”.

Even so,
Jesus still would’ve said no.
You can’t tempt God.
God can create whatever He wants,
so it’s impossible for us, or anyone, even the Devil,
or chocolate-covered hot girls
who win comic book trivia contests,
to tempt Him.

Anyway,
from what I can ascertain,
the Devil’s gotten much better with his temptations.
Nowadays, he will only tempt you with bread,
if you’re on a low-carb diet,
or living gluten-free.

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

Mitch Hedberg:
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread,
that stuff is fancy.
That stuff is wrapped twice.
You open it, and then still ain't open.
That's why I don't buy it,
I don't need another step between me and toast.

Mitch Hedberg:
I find that a duck's opinion of me
is influenced by whether or not I have bread.
A duck loves bread,
but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf.
That's the biggest joke on the duck ever.
If I worked at a convenience store,
and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread,
I would let him go.
I'd say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!"
When I think of a duck's friends,
I think of other ducks.
But he could have, say, a beaver in tow.

Mitch Hedberg:
I like waffles.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps.
A waffle says to the syrup,
"Hold on, now. You ain't goin' anywhere.
Don't even be tryin' to creep down the side.
Just rest in these squares.
If one square is full, move on to the next one.
When you hit the butter, split up."

Mitch Hedberg:
I hate sandwiches at New York delis.
Too much meat on the sandwich.
It's like a cow with a cracker on either side.
"Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?"
"Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!"

Mitch Hedberg:
I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member.
"I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread."
"Well, so do I!"
"Then let's form a club."
"OK, but we need some more stipulations.
Instead of cutting the sandwich once,
let's cut it again.
Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle,
and in the middle we will dump chips."
"How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?"
"I'm for 'em!"
"Well, this club is formed."

Uploaded on Mar 25, 2009 by
xjanedoex17

Friday, March 22, 2013

My Friend Reverend Rick

My Friend
Reverend Rick
by
Dean Burkey

Photo Source:
http://www.youtube.com/user/RevRickSawyer

Photo Source: http://voxvisuals.com/products.htm

The Lutheran Faith: A Mighty Fortress

Published on Jan 27, 2013 by

Rick Sawyer

Photo Source: http://voxvisuals.com/products.htm

As those of the Christian faith
celebrate next week as Holy Week,
I thought now would be a good time
to talk about My Friend Reverend Rick.
Pastor Rick Sawyer.

Long ago,
we were in youth group together
at St.Paul Lutheran Church
in Lakeland, Florida.

My most vivid memory of Rick
from way back then was when
we played racquetball at the YMCA.
After we finished, I noticed steam coming off his arms!
I'd never seen, before or after that incident,
steam coming off someone's arm before.
I don't even remember if it was cold out.

More important than that though,
I remember that Rick's a true man of God,
encouraging, affable, hip, fun, cool,
creative, talented, musical,
fun-loving, humorous, and Scriptural.
And he has an excellent laugh.

Sometime in the middle of the last decade,
through his production company Vox Visuals,
Pastor Rick produced the above movie:
"The Lutheran Faith: A Mighty Fortress"
wherein I portray Jesus.

We filmed my part at the Holyland Experience
in Orlando, Florida in the middle of the night
while they were closed.
(They had permission.)

About a year or so after that,
I portrayed Jesus again in Rick's second film production:
"Holy Baptism: Water of Life".

We filmed my part at Tenoroc State Park
where I got crucified on a bicycle seat
and baptized in alligator-infested waters!

Thank you Rick for your
ongoing friendship and encouragement
and the many happy, one-of-a-kind memories!
May you and those of your church and faith
enjoy a blessed and meaningful Holy Week
with a joyful Easter next week!

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

Photo Source: http://voxvisuals.com/prod04.htm

Author Unknown
(but one source said LCMS Lutheran):
How many Lutherans
does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer:
None;
Lutherans don't like change!

Garrison Keillor:
Lutherans usually follow the official liturgy
and will feel it is their way of suffering for their sins.

Garrison Keillor:

Lutherans believe in prayer,

but would practically die if asked to pray out loud.

Garrison Keillor:

Lutherans think that

Garrison Keillor stories are totally factual.

You Know
You Might Be
A Lutheran If ...

Garrison Keillor:
When you watch a "Star Wars" movie;
and they say, "May the Force be with you",
you respond, "And also with you".

Here's My Friend Reverend Rick
playing and singing a song he wrote
called "Truer Blood":