Some of My Favorite Mitch Hedberg Jokes

In memory of Mitch Hedburg
who died eight years ago this week, 

(on either March 29 or 30, 2005), 
I'm reposting my most popular post 
from My Favorite Blog: 

Some of My Favorite Mitch Hedberg Jokes

Uploaded by Christobell04 on Jun 19, 2008

Mitch Hedberg's final Just for Laughs
performance from 2004. 

One of the best, known for his hilarious one liners.

Mitch Hedberg:

I like to play blackjack. 
I’m not addicted to gambling. 
I'm addicted to sittin’ in a semicircle.

I ate one anchovy; 
and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

A fly was very close to being called a land, 
because that’s what it does half the time.

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. 
Because it would be solid. 
“Here’s a drink, Mitch; it's ice cold.” 
“I guess I could lick it.”

Fettuccini Alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. 
Yeah, I remember that day. 

I opened up a yogurt. 
Underneath the lid it said, “Please try again.” 
Because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. 
I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. 
Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. 
“Come on Mitchell, don’t give up!” 
An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait. 
Fruit on the bottom, hope on top. 

I had a job interview at an insurance company once; 
and the lady said, 
“Where do you see yourself in five years?” 
I said, “Celebrating the fifth year anniversary 
of you asking me this question!”

You know when a company wants to use letters 
in their phone number, but often they’ll use too many letters? 
“Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting.” 
Too many letters, man, must I dial them all? 
“Hello? Hold on, man, I’m only on ‘Enjoy’. 
How did you know I was calling? 
You’re good, I can see why they hired you!” 

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards; 
and the dude owed me $27.50.

An escalator can never break. 
It can only become stairs. 
You would never see 
an “Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order” sign, 
just “Escalator Temporarily Stairs. 
Sorry for the convenience.”

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. 
It’s not the photographer’s fault. 
Bigfoot is blurry; and that’s extra scary to me. 
There’s a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. 
“Look out, he’s fuzzy! Let’s get out of here!”

I’m against picketing, 
but I don’t know how to show it.

This shirt is “dry clean only” 

... which means it’s dirty.

Mitch Hedberg

(February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005)

Be sure you also check out these other related blog posts:

The Day the Laughter Died

The Comedic Brilliance of Mitch Hedberg's Delivery

My Favorite Mitch Hedberg Routine

I'm in Smokepoint's New Music Video

Where the Devil Messed Up

Where the Devil Messed Up

by 
Dean Burkey

Photo Source: Toaster And Slices Of Bread by yamada taro  

If the Devil really wanted 
to tempt Jesus in the wilderness, 
why didn’t he try something much more enticing 
than urging Him to turn stones into bread?  

Jesus hadn’t eaten in 40 days and 40 nights, 
so the Devil should’ve been baking pies, 
or having a hot dog cookout with s’mores!
It’s not like he can’t find any fire.  

If you want to tempt somebody. 

Especially The Somebody. 
Try strawberry-and-whipped-cream-covered 
Belgian waffles! 
With organic maple syrup. 
Or brownies a la mode. 
With peanut butter filling! 
Now we’re talking temptations! 

But not bread. 
It’s gotta be something with whipped cream. 
Or ice cream. 
Or both. 

And have it delivered by a hottie in a Hummer. 
That’s a temptation! 

Not: 
“You want a slice of bread?” 
What’s that? 
The people version of: 
“Polly want a cracker?” 

Satan should’ve said something like this: 
“If Thou art the Son of God, 
commandest Thou these stones becomest 
banana cream pies and hot fudge sundaes.” 

Of course, it wouldn’t’ve mattered 
if the Devil said to turn a stone 
into a chocolate-covered hot girl 
who thinks the Three Stooges are funny. 
Although, technically speaking, 
that is the perfect temptation. 
But only if she knows Superman’s Kryptonian name 
and can offer a reasonable explanation 
for how Spidey Sense works. 
Juggling fire and playing the ukulele 
would only seal the deal. 
Especially if she can play “Eye of the Tiger”. 

Even so, 
Jesus still would’ve said no. 
You can’t tempt God. 
God can create whatever He wants, 
so it’s impossible for us, or anyone, even the Devil, 
or chocolate-covered hot girls 
who win comic book trivia contests, 
to tempt Him. 

Anyway, 
from what I can ascertain, 
the Devil’s gotten much better with his temptations. 
Nowadays, he will only tempt you with bread, 
if you’re on a low-carb diet, 
or living gluten-free. 

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

Mitch Hedberg:
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, 
that stuff is fancy. 
That stuff is wrapped twice. 
You open it, and then still ain't open. 
That's why I don't buy it, 
I don't need another step between me and toast. 

Mitch Hedberg:
I find that a duck's opinion of me 
is influenced by whether or not I have bread. 
A duck loves bread,
 but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. 
That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. 
If I worked at a convenience store, 
and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, 
I would let him go. 
I'd say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!" 
When I think of a duck's friends, 
I think of other ducks. 
But he could have, say, a beaver in tow. 

Mitch Hedberg:
I like waffles. 
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps. 
A waffle says to the syrup, 
"Hold on, now. You ain't goin' anywhere. 
Don't even be tryin' to creep down the side. 
Just rest in these squares. 
If one square is full, move on to the next one. 
When you hit the butter, split up."

Mitch Hedberg:
I hate sandwiches at New York delis. 
Too much meat on the sandwich. 
It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. 
"Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?" 
"Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!"

Mitch Hedberg:
I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. 
"I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." 
"Well, so do I!" 
"Then let's form a club." 
"OK, but we need some more stipulations. 
Instead of cutting the sandwich once, 
let's cut it again. 
Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, 
and in the middle we will dump chips." 
"How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" 
"I'm for 'em!" 
"Well, this club is formed."

Uploaded on Mar 25, 2009 by
xjanedoex17

I'm in Smokepoint's New Music Video

I'm in Smokepoint's 
New Music Video
"Escape from Braddock Forest"

Escape From Braddock Forest

Published on Feb 28, 2013 by

Smokepointband

They saved the best for last, because I don't appear until the end, around the 3:48 mark. 

Please watch the whole thing.  Not just because my part won't make much sense if you don't, but because everyone involved did a super job in creating a fun, energetic video.

I auditioned on Friday, Jan. 25 and got the part! 

(Obviously! Otherwise this blog post might be chicken jokes or something silly. "Not that there's anything wrong with that!" as Seinfeld might say.) 

My part took two days of shooting! 

To be clear, they did more than just shoot my part on those two days. But still, I got to enjoy their delicious craft services twice! :o)

All I knew was that I was the neighbor of some girl; and I run in the woods. Thinking about what that might mean made me feel ill. An adult neighbor in the woods with some kid? Ew! Sure, a gig's a gig, but still! Fortunately, the "girl" turned out to be a woman; and the director dispelled my fears, assuring me that I was not portraying Captain Creepy. In fact, the woman watches me; I don't watch her. I don't even know she's there! 

We shot the me-stressing-out-in-a-car scene which starts around 3:48 in the video on Wednesday, January 30 at the house of a friend of someone from the production company. The Google Map directions threw me off a bit due to a street having a different name, but once I saw the cars lining the road and the big production truck in the driveway, I knew I'd found the right place. 

A neighbor stopped by and asked to speak to whoever lived there, so someone said that the owner wasn't there. The look on the neighbor's face was priceless. Like why are there 30 or so people milling about a house when the owner's not there? That incident made me laugh for a couple of days.  

The forest scene was shot on Day 4 of the video shoot, which was Friday February 1. My part in the woods begins around the 4:04 mark in the video. 

The above is the only picture of me in the shirt I wear in the video, because it was so cold, I wore a long-sleeve shirt over my T-shirt when I wasn't being filmed. 

All I needed to do was looked frightened and then run through a bunch of vines. Only problem was, I was supposed to be running for my life, without running past the golf cart with the film crew! Maybe I'm a method actor, 'cause when I run for my life, I run fast! 

I had a blast. Everyone was professional and fun. And I know two days of shooting sounds like a lot of hard work; and it was, for the production people and the other performers, but most of the time I sat around eating and talking to beautiful people. 

Smart beautiful people, because they had the good sense to bring jackets, blankets, and/or scarves, whereas I just brought a long-sleeve shirt. One of the performers had seen a Mitch Hedberg show! So I got paid to eat, talk to smart beautiful people, and share Mitch Hedberg jokes! Yes, my life is truly blessed.

To be more accurate, most of the time, I sat around thinking that I shouldn't eat, because I was going to be running. But then I'd get so hungry, I'd think I should eat a little something. The food looked and smelled so good, how could I resist? And so I would eat just a little something. And the food tasted so good, I'd eat just a little something more. And then just a little something more. And then just a little bit more. And then I'd think, okay, that was enough. More than enough. I shouldn't have eaten so much! But then I'd see dark chocolate-covered granola bars and eat some more! 

After they shot the footage they wanted, I dashed to Mitchell's Coffee House to perform in the First Friday Show with the ImprovAddicts! 

The ImprovAddicts' Ha-Ha's & Java's & More Ha-Ha's! Show
February 1 at Mitchell's Coffee House
Photo by Nathan Waters

The next morning, I went back to NFocus to rehearse for a presentation about Florida Southern College for the Lakeland Chamber of Commerce dinner at The Lakeland Center. That was a busy, but fun, several hours with the video, the show, and the rehearsal. Good times. 

Special thanks to Smokepoint for an awesome rocking song, NFocus Visual Communications, Inc. for an excellent production, and the Jess Anderson Talent and Model Agency for getting me the audition!

If Andy Warhol's words are true, about each person getting his/her own 15 minutes of fame, I've easily got another 14 minutes and 50 seconds coming!

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

  

P.S. 
This first joke below is the joke that started 
the whole Mitch Hedberg conversation, 
because I looked at a monitor 
that showed a shot of the woods 
and said the opening line about Bigfoot being blurry. 
I then said that was a Mitch Hedberg joke; 
and then we started saying his jokes back and forth! 

Please Note: 
These jokes read much funnier 
if you know how Mitch Hedberg sounds. 
His delivery is half the comedy, 
so if you've never heard him perform before, 
you might want to watch the video below first!

Mitch Hedberg
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. 
It's not the photographer's fault. 
Bigfoot is blurry. 
And that's extra scary to me, 
because there's a large, 
out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. 
Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here! 

Mitch Hedberg
When we were on acid, we would go into the woods... 
'cause when you're in the woods tripping, 
there's less likely a chance 
you'll run into an authority figure. 
But we ran into a bear. 
That was even more of a buzzkill. 
My friend Dwayne was standing there 
raising his right hand, 
swearing to help prevent forest fires. 
We got away from the bear, 
he put his arm around my shoulder, he said 
"Mitchell... Smokey is way more intense in person!"

Mitch Hedberg
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. 
She does live in a trailer; she made it half-way. 
She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. 

Mitch Hedberg
I called the hotel operator; 
and she said, "How can I direct your call?" 
I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!'; 
and I'll begin to dial. 
And when I say 'Goodbye', 
then you can yell 'Cut!'" 

Mitch Hedberg
I wanted to buy a candle holder, 
but the store didn't have one. 
So I got a cake.

P.P.S. 
On March 26 and 28, 
please enjoy two of my tributes to Mitch Hedberg.

Mitch Hedberg on the Late Show 3/12/03

Uploaded on Nov 8, 2007 by

krupsjustsayin

Mitch Hedberg's last performance on the Late Show with David Letterman 

(with guest host Elvis Costello)