Some Silly Cat Wordplay Definitions

Photo Source: Cat In A Cone by Anne Lowe

Some Silly Cat 
Wordplay Definitions

by
Dean Burkey

Puss -N- Boots: 
A cat going to a rodeo. 

Perfection: 
A candy for cats. 

Perception: 
When a cat gets pregnant. 

Perchance: 
A lucky cat. 

Percussion: 
A cat who plays the drums. 

Perform: 
The shape of a cat. 

Purloin: 
The steak part of cat meat. 

Purity: 
Cats joining together. 

Puree:
The weapon of choice for space cats.

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

Banned commercial - dangers of working at home

Uploaded on Jun 21, 2006 by

aguzal

Steven Wright: 
If toast always lands butter-side down; 
and cats always land on their feet; 
what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat 
and drop it? 

Phyllis Diller: 
My cooking is so bad 
that my kids thought Thanksgiving 
was in memory of Pearl Harbor.

Dean Burkey: 
You make about as much sense as kosher bacon. 

George Carlin: 
If a pig loses its voice, 
is it disgruntled?

Mitch Hedberg: 
I like rice. 
Rice is great when you’re hungry; 
and you want 2,000 of something. 

Jerry Seinfeld - On men and women

Uploaded on Oct 1, 2009 by

Spsp1981

Uncle Khaki's Cabin

Photo Source: Broken by Kendall Linn

Uncle Khaki’s Cabin

by
Dean Burkey

I knocked on the door of my Uncle Khaki’s cabin. 
I hadn’t seen him in years. 
I hoped he still lived there, 
because I had nowhere else to turn. 

I rang the doorbell and waited. 
Nothing. 
I then pounded on the door. 

Suddenly, 
the door flew open 
and a wild and hairy man towered over me, 
yelling, “What do you want?” 

I quivered with fear, 
almost wetting my pants. 

“Oh, it’s you,” 
said the man matter-of-factly as he stepped off stilts. 

“Uncle Khaki?” 

“Yeah, kid. It’s me.” 

“What’s the big idea of scaring me like that?” 

“I got a problem with neighborhood punks 
pranking me all the time, 
so I put on this getup to frighten them away.” 

“Oh, good.” I sighed. 
“So that’s just a wig and fake beard?” 

“No! This is how I look. 
What are you saying, kid? 
That people with long hair and beards are scary?” 

“What are you saying, Uncle Khaki? 
That tall people are scary?” 

“Fair enough, kid. Come on in.” 

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

Rindercella by Archie Campbell

Uploaded on Nov 25, 2008 by

oneintoamillion

Mitch Hedberg: 
I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. 
That’s a bad place for an argument, 
because when I tried to walk out, 
I had to slam the flap. 
How are you supposed to express your anger 
in this situation? 
Zip it up real quick? 

Dean Burkey: 
From Heaven-Bent HUMOR: The DEAN Adventures:
Sadly, many campground owners are raving species-ists. 
They don’t allow “animals” to stay at their campgrounds. 
More sadly, um, sadliericious, 
they think of Bigfoot as a hulking animal 
and not a big hairy uncle. 

Steve Martin: 
Well, anyway, um. Oh, this is an interesting thing. 
I, uh, gave my cat a bath the other day. 
You know I’d always heard 
you weren’t supposed to give cats baths, 
but my cat came home; and he was really dirty; 
and I decided to give him a bath. 
And it was great. 
If you have a cat, don’t worry about it. 
They love it. He sat there. He enjoyed it. 
Uh, it was fun for me, you know; 
and uh, the fur would stick to my tongue. 
But other than that, you know, it was a great.

Brian Regan: 
[School Teacher]: “What’s the plural for moose?” 
[Young Student Brian Regan]: “Moosen! 
I saw a flock of MOOSEN! 
There were many of ‘em. Many much moosen. 
Out in the woods…in the wood-es…in the woodsen. 
The meese want the food in the woodesen…
food is the eatenesen…
the meese want the food in the woodesenes…
food in the woodesenes.” 

Woody Allen: 
I believe there is something out there watching us. 
Unfortunately, it’s the government.

The Best of Abbott and Costello

Published on Apr 4, 2013 by

ampopfilms

Attention Politicians!

Photo Source: US Capitol by Peter Griffin

Attention Politicians!

by
Dean Burkey

Insanity seems absurd to a logical man, 
but logic seems perfectly absurd to the insane. 
And most politicians could go either way. 

Do politicians pay taxes? 
They should pay more than any of us, 
because they still get the same pay 
even after their term ends. 
Ergo, thus, and therefore: 
They should pay an exorbitant 
They’re-Lucky-They-Ever-Got-Elected Tax.

Attention Politicians! 
If you have to lie to make the world a better place, 
you are not making the world a better place. 

And if you just want to tell us 
what we want to hear anyway, 
tell us how good-looking we are 
and how any supermodel would be lucky to have us. 
And that we have nice dimples. 

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

Steven Wright - Stand Up (Funny Guy)

Uploaded on Jun 10, 2008 by

sexyyyelissa

George Carlin: 
The real reason that we can’t have 
the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: 
You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” 
“Thou shalt not commit adultery,” 
and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building 
full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. 
It creates a hostile work environment. 

Phyllis Diller: 
Cleaning your house while your kids are still at home 
is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

Dean Burkey
From Exit Strategies: 
Holding his racquetball racket, Dennis pounded on the door.  “Open up, Captain Death!  It’s time for your last breath!”  
He kicked at the door, stubbing his toe, 
but not budging the door.  
“Know you’ve got my sister in there!”  
He smashed his shoulder into the door that refused to open.  
“Don’t worry, Patty.  Still gonna rescue you!  
Just might take a little longer!”  
He kicked, punched, pounded, 
and flung himself against the door, all to no avail.  
“Be patient!”  
Exhausted, panting, Dennis slumped to the ground, 
causing the welcome mat to slide to the side, 
revealing a key.  
He held the key 
as if wielding the mystical sword of Excalibur.  
Okay.  
Next time some psycho creep kidnaps my sister, 
check for a key, before busting my shoulder.

Steven Wright: 
Right now, 
I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. 
I think I’ve forgotten this before. 

Jerry Seinfeld: 
People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. 

Funny clip with John Candy and Dan Aykroyd 
from the film Canadian Bacon:

Follow The Rules

Uploaded on Feb 23, 2012 by

FanOfManyThings5

Just 3 Days Left!

Just 3 Days Left!
(Including Today)

by
Dean Burkey

Photo Source:
The photo of the author running from a Monster Crab
(a.k.a. Crab Cake Gone Wild)
is a mock-up still created by Brad Hudson using footage
from his film project “The Bad Clam”.
The background picture is A Cloudy Blue Sky by Photo Rack.

Thank you for getting my book for FREE 
on Amazon Kindle.

Please tell everyone you know 
about this awesome sweet deal too!

Instead of going into a long sales pitch, 
especially since you already got your copy, 
I'll just include some More Snippets!

But please realize that taken of context, 
some of these might not make much sense. 

And I'll try to realize that taken in context, 
some of these might not make much sense.

;o)

More Snippets!

From Heaven-Bent HUMOR: 

The DEAN Adventures:

I’ve never been to 
the General Grant National Memorial in Manhattan, 
so how could I possibly know 
who’s buried in Grant’s tomb? 

From Heaven-Bent HUMOR: 

The DEAN Adventures:

Or maybe Elvis is the Abominable Snowman! 
That would explain a lot.
Like, why is the Abominable Snowman 
always humming and shaking his right leg? 
How come he keeps growling on and on 
about heartbreak hotels and hound dogs? 
And why does his breath always wreak 
of peanut butter banana sandwiches?  

From Heaven-Bent HUMOR: 

The DEAN Adventures:

Certainly, a tank with a mortar launcher 
would be better than a Corolla with a slingshot.  

From Heaven-Bent HUMOR: 

The DEAN Adventures:

“Yeah, yeah, I see what you’re doin’ there. 
You ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog; 
and you just wanna be her teddy bear.” *
“Don’t be cruel, Elvis. 
Not to a heart that’s true.” *

----------------------------------------

* References and allusions to Elvis Presley’s songs. 

“Hound Dog”, “(Let Me Be Your) Teddy Bear”, 

and “Don’t Be Cruel”. 

From Heaven-Bent HUMOR: 

The DEAN Adventures:

So I got clubbed by two angry guards. 
Three guards clubbed me, 
but the third one wasn’t angry. 
He just liked clubbing.

From Heaven-Bent HUMOR: 

The DEAN Adventures:

 Couldn’t tell what condition I was in. 
Was I paralyzed or just numb? 
Was I even alive? 
If I wasn’t alive, 
the P.R. guy for the afterlife 
did an excellent job of overselling it.

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

What's the Deal with Free Books?

What's the Deal 
with Free Books?

by
Dean Burkey

Photo Source:
The photo of the author running from a Monster Crab
(a.k.a. Crab Cake Gone Wild)
is a mock-up still created by Brad Hudson using footage
from his film project “The Bad Clam”.
The background picture is A Cloudy Blue Sky by Photo Rack.

Thank you!
I gave away over 50 books yesterday!

What's the Deal?

The Deal for You:
The deal is you get an awesome book FREE!

But even if you miss the May 5 cut-off date, 
you can still enjoy a bunch of comical adventures 
for less than four bucks!

The Deal for Me:
The deal is I get the chance to give you a book, 
to let you read a sampling of my writing. 

Also,
the more books I give away, 
the higher my ranking becomes, 
so even if you can't read, 
still get my book!

Of course, 
the dream goal, 
besides having the supermodel heiress 
of a chocolate fortune find me irresistible, 
is accruing a vast amount 
of 5-Star Reviews!

So please: 
Get your free copy right away!

It's a Win-Win situation for both of us!
And I love when we all get along. 

To help me out some more, 
please click the picture below, 
to visit my Dean Burkey Author Page; 
and click the orange Like button
in the upper right hand corner:

Photo by David Wehman


And if you also enjoy faith-based books, 
please click the picture below, 
to visit my Dean J. Burkey Author Page; 
and click the orange Like button
in the upper right hand corner:

Photo by Susan Anderson

Many, many thanks!

I worked super dee duper hard on this book, 
to make it as funny as can be, 
so I'm sure that if you like it 
even half as much as I do, 
you'll love it immensely!

And at a cost of FREE, 
you automatically get more 
than your money's worth!

More Snippets!

From Heaven-Bent HUMOR: 

The DEAN Adventures:

Don’t fall in love with a psycho; 
she’ll only break your heart. 
Or cut it out and feed it to the pigeons.  

From Heaven-Bent HUMOR: 

The DEAN Adventures:

Kakoolie and Colletta enjoy a happy, fulfilling life, 
teeming with love and joy, 
until three seconds later, 
the mob moves in on Chef Pierre’s 
highly successful Pastries R Us Shoppe.  

From Heaven-Bent HUMOR: 

The DEAN Adventures:

Unfortunately, a speck of dust. 
A seemingly insignificant speck of dust. 
Altered my coordinates ever so slightly, 
sending me to Fargon instead of Oolala. 
Of course, I was still greeted as a hero. 
If you saw me in my cape, you’d understand.  

From Heaven-Bent HUMOR: 

The DEAN Adventures:

And the silly insurance company 
doesn’t cover self-started fire damage. 
Are you kidding me? 
Self-started fire damage coverage 
is the only reason people get insurance! 

From Heaven-Bent HUMOR: 

The DEAN Adventures:

If the DirectTV Genie gave me three wishes, 
I assure you, 
that none of them 
would be about television programming.

From Heaven-Bent HUMOR: 

The DEAN Adventures:

 We met while serving together in Desert Storm. 
Not in the military. 
We worked as waiters 
in a taco tiki hut on the outskirts of Kuwait.

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

Get This Super Fun Book for Super Fun FREE! May 1-5, 2013

Get This Super Fun Book 
for Super Fun FREE! 
May 1-5, 2013

by
Dean Burkey

Photo Source:
The photo of the author running from a Monster Crab
(a.k.a. Crab Cake Gone Wild)
is a mock-up still created by Brad Hudson using footage
from his film project “The Bad Clam”.
The background picture is A Cloudy Blue Sky by Photo Rack.

Book Description

Publication Date: April 15, 2013

Heaven-Bent HUMOR: The DEAN Adventures

Wouldn’t you rather have your humor be Heaven-Bent than bent the other way?

Whether Dean’s backpacking with Bigfoot in Bermuda, time-traveling with movie stars, or inadvertently destroying worlds beyond ours, this guy knows how to have fun! Enjoy his crazy, quite possibly insane, adventures!

What will Dean do with the billions he makes by this book? Find out inside! And encourage billions of others to do so too. Especially if they pay full price!

Inventive, funny, suspenseful, each story provides a mini-vacation away from the burdens of your day. So get your ticket to fun now; and start reading. Destination: Comedy! 

Table of Contents

Funny Thing Is …
Powerful Panda Points and Other Super Thoughts
I Have Amazing Super Powers; and So Too Can You!
The Worst Nightmares Ever
How to Become a Superhero (Without Having Your Home Planet Explode)
I Drink String Beans!
The Perfect Plan: Foiled!
The Perfect Plan: Foiled! 2: Holy Chip!
Spice Boy!
My O.B.E.!
An Inconvenient Fiction
Mister Dean: The Party Animal!
As You Celebrate Independence Day, Ask Yourself This
Jacko, Elvis, and The Albino Bigfoot
Eyewitness Proof That Life Existed on Other Planets!
Why I Should Be a Billionaire
Getting Ready for the End of the World
Food Phobia
Joining the Dark Side
Time-Traveling with Hollywood Hunks
Dear Supermodels
My Epic 6-Part “Inside-Out” Adventure!:
Part 1: Beggar Gone Bad!
Part 2: The Unexpected Peril of Paramotoring
Part 3: Down the Dragon’s Hole!
Part 4: Inside the Hollow Earth!
Part 5: The Perfect Ploy to Take Over the World!
Part 6: Is This Really The End?
Me Jailed?! I Didn’t Know! Did You Know?
Me Jailed?! I Didn’t Know! Did You Know? 2: Locked Up During Lockdown
Don’t Fall in Love with a Psycho
What Makes a Psycho a Pyscho?
How to Turn a Video into a Movie
Sanity Check: Pass Or Fail?
The Wing Man’s Revenge
The Over-Salted Pretzel Conspiracy Theory
Aged to Perfection
Daunting Date Ads
Free Cookies Are Great, Even If They’re Crummy
Unfortunately, Fargon Is Now Far Gone
How We Spend Our Last Day on Earth Says A Lot About Who We Are
Don’t Mention It?
Silly Silly Bands
Hanging Out with Supermodels Is Fun
Thank You Warren Buffett!
How I Hypnotized Myself into Becoming Mega-Rich
Oh Honeybell, Honeybell, Orange You Glad I Finally Found You?
I Dream of the DirectTV Genie
I’m in Smokepoint’s New Music Video: "Escape from Braddock Forest”
Time-Traveling with Hollywood Hunks 2: The Uncivil Civil War
Backpacking with Bigfoot in Bermuda
Canoeing with Sharks
Canoeing with Sharks 2: Am I Really on the Menu?
Crab Cakes Gone Wild!
Getting Messy with Nessie:
Part 1: Captain Steele Is No Captain Stubing!
Part 2: Meeting Someone Newed to Me
Part 3: Ripples of Regret
Part 4: The Hunt Begins
Part 5: Harpooned in the Heart
Part 6: Facing the Real Monster
Part 7: A Real Blast
Part 8: Sweet Dreams
All’s Crazy That Ends Crazy

Snippets

Because nothing honors a person’s memory more than having a potato chip with that person’s likeness enshrined for all to see.

Don’t forget to wrap your head in aluminum foil too, so those intergalactic fiends can’t read your mind. Otherwise, no one else in the field of extra-terrestrial relations will take you seriously.

The pinwheel hat is optional.

The government should charge a hefty Non-Superhero Tax to billionaires who aren’t superheroes, to fund folks who want to be superheroes, but can’t afford the exorbitant costs of costuming and gadgetry.

Never thought I’d wind up in jail.

An asylum? Sure. It’s a such crazy world, you’d be nuts not to go insane.

Before you buy this book, take a Look Inside!

---

Product Details File Size: 246 KB Publisher: http://heaven-bent.com (April 15, 2013) Sold by: Amazon Digital Services, Inc. Language: English ASIN: B00CDGV9Q8 Text-to-Speech: Enabled  X-Ray: Not Enabled  Lending: Enabled

More Snippets!

From Heaven-Bent HUMOR: 
The DEAN Adventures:
With Jacko tagging along, 
I now know how the Abominable Snowman 
learned the Moonwalk. 
Silly yeti! 
He almost fell off a couple cliffs 
dancing backwards so much. 
Obviously trying to impress Jacko. 
Which also explains why the Abominable Snowman 
kept saying the word Thriller. 

From Heaven-Bent HUMOR: 
The DEAN Adventures:
The “handsomest” of them resembled Bigfoot. 
Only with ZZ Top beards 
and a Snidely Whiplash mustache. 
Strange race indeed. 
And that was just their women! 

From Heaven-Bent HUMOR: 
The DEAN Adventures:
I feel so sick, 
that National Geographic explorers 
keep coming to my house. 
Apparently, when I don’t feel well, 
I make the exact same sounds as a dying yeti. 
Or a plesiosaur giving birth. 

From Heaven-Bent HUMOR: 
The DEAN Adventures:
The singing sensation continued, 
“Here, no one knows I faked my death; 
and no one knows me as Elvis, 
the King of Rock and Roll. 
Instead they know me as”--
--He led me into a cave 
filled with hundreds of primitive people 
who cheered at Elvis and shouted in unison: 
“Kimosabe!” 
“They think you’re the Lone Ranger?!” 

From Heaven-Bent HUMOR: 
The DEAN Adventures:
The plaster started to crack, 
which meant that with just a little more pressure, 
I’d be pulled in half. 
Or pulled so far apart, 
I’d be left paralyzed from the eyebrows down. 
One side yanked; the other side yanked. 
Both sides yelled. 
It looked like this could be the end of me! 
So why couldn’t they wait one more day? 
Tonight’s supper was supposed to be PBJ Soufflé! 


From Heaven-Bent HUMOR: 
The DEAN Adventures:
 That was either Bigfoot crying because he missed me. 
Or the Scorpion King got his tail 
caught under an automatic garage door again. 
What a klutz!

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

Heaven-Bent HUMOR: The DEAN Adventures

Heaven-Bent HUMOR: 
The DEAN Adventures

by
Dean Burkey

Book Description

Publication Date: April 15, 2013

Heaven-Bent HUMOR: The DEAN Adventures

Wouldn’t you rather have your humor be Heaven-Bent than bent the other way?

Whether Dean’s backpacking with Bigfoot in Bermuda, time-traveling with movie stars, or inadvertently destroying worlds beyond ours, this guy knows how to have fun! Enjoy his crazy, quite possibly insane, adventures! He encourages you to discover your super powers; and to use them for good. 

What will Dean do with the billions he makes from the sale of this book? Find out inside! And encourage billions of others to do so too. Especially if they pay full price! 

Inventive, funny, suspenseful, each story provides a mini-vacation away from the burdens of your day. So get your ticket to fun now; and start reading. Destination: Comedy! Guaranteed to make you laugh.* 

Table of Contents

“Funny Thing Is …”
“Powerful Panda Points and Other Super Thoughts”
“I Have Amazing Super Powers; and So Too Can You!”
“The Worst Nightmares Ever”
“How to Become a Superhero (Without Having Your Home Planet Explode)”
“I Drink String Beans!”
“The Perfect Plan: Foiled!”
“The Perfect Plan: Foiled! 2: Holy Chip!”
“Spice Boy!”
“My O.B.E.!”
“An Inconvenient Fiction”
“Mister Dean: The Party Animal!”
“As You Celebrate Independence Day, Ask Yourself This”
“Jacko, Elvis, and The Albino Bigfoot”
“Eyewitness Proof That Life Existed on Other Planets!”
“Why I Should Be a Billionaire”
“Getting Ready for the End of the World”
“Food Phobia”
“Joining the Dark Side”
“Time-Traveling with Hollywood Hunks”
“Dear Supermodels”
“My Epic 6-Part “Inside-Out” Adventure!”
Part 1: Beggar Gone Bad!
Part 2: The Unexpected Peril of Paramotoring
Part 3: Down the Dragon’s Hole!
Part 4: Inside the Hollow Earth!
Part 5: The Perfect Ploy to Take Over the World!
Part 6: Is This Really The End?
“Me Jailed?! I Didn’t Know! Did You Know?”
“Me Jailed?! I Didn’t Know! Did You Know? 2: Locked Up During Lockdown”
“Don’t Fall in Love with a Psycho”
“What Makes a Psycho a Pyscho?”
“How to Turn a Video into a Movie”
“Sanity Check: Pass Or Fail?”
“The Wing Man’s Revenge”
“The Over-Salted Pretzel Conspiracy Theory”
“Aged to Perfection”
“Daunting Date Ads”
“Free Cookies Are Great, Even If They’re Crummy”
“Unfortunately, Fargon Is Now Far Gone”
“How We Spend Our Last Day on Earth Says A Lot About Who We Are”
“Don’t Mention It?”
“Silly Silly Bands”
“Hanging Out with Supermodels Is Fun”
“Thank You Warren Buffett!”
“How I Hypnotized Myself into Becoming Mega-Rich”
“Oh Honeybell, Honeybell, Orange You Glad I Finally Found You?”
“I Dream of the DirectTV Genie”
“I’m in Smokepoint’s New Music Video: ‘Escape from Braddock Forest’”
“Time-Traveling with Hollywood Hunks 2: The Uncivil Civil War”
“Backpacking with Bigfoot in Bermuda”
“Canoeing with Sharks”
“Canoeing with Sharks 2: Am I Really on the Menu?”
“Crab Cakes Gone Wild!”

Before you buy this book, take a Look Inside!

* I guarantee you will find something in this book to make you laugh. If not, return it in less than a week; and Amazon will issue a refund. You have nothing to lose and lots of laughter to gain, so scroll up; and click the Buy button now.

Product Details

• File Size: 206 KB
• Publisher: http://heaven-bent.com (April 15, 2013)
• Sold by: Amazon Digital Services, Inc.
• Language: English
• ASIN: B00CDGV9Q8
• Text-to-Speech: Enabled 
• X-Ray: Not Enabled 
• Lending: Enabled

From Heaven-Bent HUMOR: 
The DEAN Adventures:
Because nothing honors a person’s memory 
more than having a potato chip 
with that person’s likeness enshrined for all to see. 

From Heaven-Bent HUMOR: 
The DEAN Adventures:
Don’t forget to wrap your head in aluminum foil too, 
so those intergalactic fiends can’t read your mind. 
Otherwise, 
no one else in the field of extra-terrestrial relations 
will take you seriously. 
The pinwheel hat is optional. 

From Heaven-Bent HUMOR: 
The DEAN Adventures:
The government should charge 
a hefty Non-Superhero Tax to billionaires 
who aren’t superheroes, 
to fund folks who want to be superheroes, 
but can’t afford the exorbitant costs 
of costuming and gadgetry. 

From Heaven-Bent HUMOR: 
The DEAN Adventures:
My neighbor baked me cookies. 
Isn’t that sweet? 
She wanted to thank me 
for helping her bury her grandfather 
in a new vegetable garden in her backyard. 
She couldn’t afford a coffin or a burial plot, 
so I helped her out, because I know how tough times are. 
The weird thing is, 
her grandfather resembled her husband 
who’s been missing ever since. 

From Heaven-Bent HUMOR: 
The DEAN Adventures:
Never thought I’d wind up in jail. 
An asylum? Sure. 
It’s a such crazy world, you’d be nuts not to go insane. 

From Heaven-Bent HUMOR: 
The DEAN Adventures:
Since Bigfoot and I had so much fun 
backpacking in Bermuda, 
we decided to go camping. 
Sadly, many campground owners are raving species-ists. 
They don’t allow “animals” to stay at their campgrounds. 
More sadly, um, sadliericious, 
they think of Bigfoot as an animal and not a hairy uncle. 

All the Best,

Dean Burkey