Crazy

Photo Source: 
Straight Jacket w/ Mask Adult Halloween Costume

by Forum Novelties Inc.

Crazy

by
Dean Burkey

It’s a crazy world. 
And I can’t help but think 
that I make it a little crazier. 

Like, 
why am I only attracted to women 
in dire need of electro-shock therapy? 

Sure, 
I want sparks. 
But still, 
there’s got to be a better way 
to make a relationship sizzle.

To be fair though: 
Everyone’s a psycho 
to one degree or another. 

Some people are haunted by their past. 
Others are haunted by anxiety over the future. 
And still others are haunted by ghosts. 

Strangely, 
these are the sanest people of all. 

And more often than not, 
the ghost turns out to be Mr. Withersbee, 
the museum curator, 
who donned a sheet 
and moaned like a wounded seal 
to attract more people to the museum, 
so the place wouldn’t go under. 

And he would’ve gotten away with it too, 
if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids 
and their goofy dog 
who likes to eat way too many treats. 

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

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Abbott & Costello-7x13 =28

Uploaded on Mar 21, 2009 by

leodragonfire

Woody Allen: 
I was in group analysis when I was younger, 
‘cause I couldn’t afford private. 
I was Captain of the Latent Paranoid Softball Team. 
We used to play all the neurotics on Sunday morning. 
Nailbiters against the bedwetters. 
And if you've never seen neurotics play softball, 
it’s really funny. 
I used to steal second base, 
and feel guilty and go back.

Author Unknown:
(From Comedy Central’s CC:Jokes at: 
http://jokes.cc.com/funny-doctor-jokes/in08t4/a-crazy-person-in-the-woods)
Q: How does a crazy person 
travel through the woods?
A: They take the psycho path.

Dean Burkey: 
No one can say you’re lazy; 
‘Cause it takes a lot of hard work 
To be that crazy. 

Mitch Hedberg: 
I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, 
a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Brian Regan: 
I’m wearing new contact lenses. 
I just had my prescription changed after six years. 
You ever wait that long? 
And then you’re like, 
“Man! I can see!” 
How can instantly improved vision 
not be at the top of your to-do list? 
“Eh, I’ll see ya’ tomorrow. 
I got a sock drawer I gotta sort out.” 
So I- I go in for the eye test; 
and I don’t know about you, 
but I concentrate like crazy during the eye exam. 
You know? 
You don’t want to get no D on that thing. 
End up with these big, thick, coke-bottle glasses.

Jerry Seinfeld: 

NEW Stand Up Comedy 2004-2013 Compilation

Published on Jul 2, 2013 by

SheldonCooperJT

EvilTwinStore

Follow Your Heart ... Shirt by EvilTwinStore
Design custom t-shirts at Zazzle.

Uncle Khaki's Cabin

Photo Source: Broken by Kendall Linn

Uncle Khaki’s Cabin

by
Dean Burkey

I knocked on the door of my Uncle Khaki’s cabin. 
I hadn’t seen him in years. 
I hoped he still lived there, 
because I had nowhere else to turn. 

I rang the doorbell and waited. 
Nothing. 
I then pounded on the door. 

Suddenly, 
the door flew open 
and a wild and hairy man towered over me, 
yelling, “What do you want?” 

I quivered with fear, 
almost wetting my pants. 

“Oh, it’s you,” 
said the man matter-of-factly as he stepped off stilts. 

“Uncle Khaki?” 

“Yeah, kid. It’s me.” 

“What’s the big idea of scaring me like that?” 

“I got a problem with neighborhood punks 
pranking me all the time, 
so I put on this getup to frighten them away.” 

“Oh, good.” I sighed. 
“So that’s just a wig and fake beard?” 

“No! This is how I look. 
What are you saying, kid? 
That people with long hair and beards are scary?” 

“What are you saying, Uncle Khaki? 
That tall people are scary?” 

“Fair enough, kid. Come on in.” 

All the Best,

Dean Burkey

Rindercella by Archie Campbell

Uploaded on Nov 25, 2008 by

oneintoamillion

Mitch Hedberg: 
I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. 
That’s a bad place for an argument, 
because when I tried to walk out, 
I had to slam the flap. 
How are you supposed to express your anger 
in this situation? 
Zip it up real quick? 

Dean Burkey: 
From Heaven-Bent HUMOR: The DEAN Adventures:
Sadly, many campground owners are raving species-ists. 
They don’t allow “animals” to stay at their campgrounds. 
More sadly, um, sadliericious, 
they think of Bigfoot as a hulking animal 
and not a big hairy uncle. 

Steve Martin: 
Well, anyway, um. Oh, this is an interesting thing. 
I, uh, gave my cat a bath the other day. 
You know I’d always heard 
you weren’t supposed to give cats baths, 
but my cat came home; and he was really dirty; 
and I decided to give him a bath. 
And it was great. 
If you have a cat, don’t worry about it. 
They love it. He sat there. He enjoyed it. 
Uh, it was fun for me, you know; 
and uh, the fur would stick to my tongue. 
But other than that, you know, it was a great.

Brian Regan: 
[School Teacher]: “What’s the plural for moose?” 
[Young Student Brian Regan]: “Moosen! 
I saw a flock of MOOSEN! 
There were many of ‘em. Many much moosen. 
Out in the woods…in the wood-es…in the woodsen. 
The meese want the food in the woodesen…
food is the eatenesen…
the meese want the food in the woodesenes…
food in the woodesenes.” 

Woody Allen: 
I believe there is something out there watching us. 
Unfortunately, it’s the government.

The Best of Abbott and Costello

Published on Apr 4, 2013 by

ampopfilms

Start Your Week with Laughter

Start Your Week 
with Laughter

Brian Kiley:
I bought a box of animal crackers; 
and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." 
So I opened up the box, and sure enough ...

Ellen Degeneres:
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, 
but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, 
having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. 
Because then you know they were 
enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

Dean Burkey:
I know she’s really a reptilian space alien 
bent on destroying the human race, 
but I still think she’s hot. 
You know, for a cold-blooded creature. 

George Miller:
I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. 
They said "Can I help you?" 
And he said, "No, I'm just looking."

Dennis Miller:
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. 
Surgery on dead people. 
What's the worst thing that could happen?

Dean Burkey:
I love chocolate; 
and deep in my heart, 
I want to believe that chocolate loves me too. 

A. Whitney Brown:
China has a population of a billion people. 
One billion. 
That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, 
there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

All the Best,

Dean

A Werewolf Encounter
from "Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein"

Uploaded on May 27, 2011 by

movieclips

From Monster Laughs
(File # 142: "The Howling Werewolf’s Hairy End"):

Mr. Howl continued to howl; and I couldn’t blame him. Off the front of my gun, dangled frilly pink lace. Or perhaps slightly used toilet paper.

Either way, I blushed.

Howlie Mandel prepared to pounce on me, but then he sniffed a whiff of Penelope’s perfume and barked with bliss. I wondered, deal or no deal.

“The price is wrong, Mister Barker.” Aiming my weapon at Fuzzy Wuzzy, I called out to my alluring assistant, “Run, Penelope! Run!”

Slipping on a soiled newspaper, Penelope collapsed to the red carpet. Like I said, lycanthropes aren’t known for being housebroken. Which seems odd, since most of them come from broken homes.

Salivating like a ravenous shark at a scuba diver’s convention, the Canine Catastrophe bounded across the room to Penelope.

Aimed and fired my stinky gun, but I hit an electrical panel. After an explosion of sparks, the lights went out.

Penelope cried out, “Oh, werewolf. Oh, there wolf. Oh, baby!”

Kay lit a flare and clambered upstairs.

Reminded of past problems with torch-bearing villagers, Hairy in Heat howled, “Leave me alone, Hunter, or you’ll be the Hunt-ee!” and disappeared into the night.

“Penelope? You okay?” I asked.

“Mm-Hmm,” she cooed. “I’m perrrrrfect.”

“Me, you poke and knee. But with him, you’re all ‘Oh, oh, oh! Wolf-wolf-wolf!’ What’s up with that?”

“Are you okay?” asked Kay.

“Oh, Kay.” I turned to see her face next to mine, glowing in the flare’s light. Although a consummate professional in the field of paranormal investigation, I screamed like a schoolgirl and fled.

Soothed my fraying nerves with a hearty helping of moon pies. Seemed apropos. Plus, they’re so tasty! I’m often asked how I can eat so much pie and not become overweight. Simple: Monster Aerobics! You eat what you want, as much as you want; and then you flee in abject fear from monsters. I discuss that rigorous regimen in the documentary “Scared Skinny”.

Ellen DeGeneres - Here and Now

Published on Oct 24, 2012 by

ahums16

The Best American Comedy Routine

The Best 
American Comedy Routine

Photo Source:

Who's On First Poster ~ Classic Abbott & Costello Bit ~ 23x35"

by Mostly Posters

Abbott & Costello are awesome!
Arguably the best comedy team ever!
True kings of comedy.
When I was a child, 
I remember feeling elated to find 
the book "Who's on First?".
Edited by Richard J. Anobile, 
the book featured pictures of their funniest scenes 
from their movies, 
with the dialogue printed in word balloons, 
like a comic book with photographs!
I still love this book: 



Here they are performing their most famous routine: 

Uploaded on Feb 16, 2007 by
Swancourt

Abraham Lincoln:

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. 
If this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

George Burns:
Sincerity is everything. 
If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.

Author Unknown:
An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. 
"You have him in a brown suit 
nd I wanted him in a blue suit" 
The mortician says "We’ll take care of it, ma’am" 
and yells back, "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"

George Carlin:
In football you wear a helmet; 
in baseball you wear a cap. 
Football is concerned with downs; 
baseball is concerned with ups. 
In football you receive a penalty; 
in baseball you make an error. 
In football the specialist comes in to kick; 
in baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.

Author Unknown:
If you don't pay your exorcist, 
will you get repossessed?

Jon Stewart:
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. 
I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, 
we had an enormous feast, 
and then I killed them and took their land.

All the Best,

Dean

 


Another hilarious routine of theirs: 

Uploaded on Nov 13, 2008 by
VMF214Boyington