Brian Kiley:
I bought a box of animal crackers;
and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken."
So I opened up the box, and sure enough ...
Ellen Degeneres:
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough,
but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses,
having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers.
Because then you know they were
enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.
Dean Burkey:
I know she’s really a reptilian space alien
bent on destroying the human race,
but I still think she’s hot.
You know, for a cold-blooded creature.
George Miller:
I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network.
They said "Can I help you?"
And he said, "No, I'm just looking."
Dennis Miller:
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner.
Surgery on dead people.
What's the worst thing that could happen?
Dean Burkey:
I love chocolate;
and deep in my heart,
I want to believe that chocolate loves me too.
A. Whitney Brown:
China has a population of a billion people.
One billion.
That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy,
there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
I bought a box of animal crackers;
and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken."
So I opened up the box, and sure enough ...
Ellen Degeneres:
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough,
but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses,
having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers.
Because then you know they were
enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.
Dean Burkey:
I know she’s really a reptilian space alien
bent on destroying the human race,
but I still think she’s hot.
You know, for a cold-blooded creature.
George Miller:
I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network.
They said "Can I help you?"
And he said, "No, I'm just looking."
Dennis Miller:
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner.
Surgery on dead people.
What's the worst thing that could happen?
Dean Burkey:
I love chocolate;
and deep in my heart,
I want to believe that chocolate loves me too.
A. Whitney Brown:
China has a population of a billion people.
One billion.
That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy,
there are still a thousand others exactly like you.
A Werewolf Encounter
from "Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein"
From Monster Laughs
(File # 142: "The Howling Werewolf’s Hairy End"):
Mr. Howl continued to howl; and I couldn’t blame him. Off the front of my gun, dangled frilly pink lace. Or perhaps slightly used toilet paper.
Either way, I blushed.
Howlie Mandel prepared to pounce on me, but then he sniffed a whiff of Penelope’s perfume and barked with bliss. I wondered, deal or no deal.
“The price is wrong, Mister Barker.” Aiming my weapon at Fuzzy Wuzzy, I called out to my alluring assistant, “Run, Penelope! Run!”
Slipping on a soiled newspaper, Penelope collapsed to the red carpet. Like I said, lycanthropes aren’t known for being housebroken. Which seems odd, since most of them come from broken homes.
Salivating like a ravenous shark at a scuba diver’s convention, the Canine Catastrophe bounded across the room to Penelope.
Aimed and fired my stinky gun, but I hit an electrical panel. After an explosion of sparks, the lights went out.
Penelope cried out, “Oh, werewolf. Oh, there wolf. Oh, baby!”
Kay lit a flare and clambered upstairs.
Reminded of past problems with torch-bearing villagers, Hairy in Heat howled, “Leave me alone, Hunter, or you’ll be the Hunt-ee!” and disappeared into the night.
“Penelope? You okay?” I asked.
“Mm-Hmm,” she cooed. “I’m perrrrrfect.”
“Me, you poke and knee. But with him, you’re all ‘Oh, oh, oh! Wolf-wolf-wolf!’ What’s up with that?”
“Are you okay?” asked Kay.
“Oh, Kay.” I turned to see her face next to mine, glowing in the flare’s light. Although a consummate professional in the field of paranormal investigation, I screamed like a schoolgirl and fled.
Soothed my fraying nerves with a hearty helping of moon pies. Seemed apropos. Plus, they’re so tasty! I’m often asked how I can eat so much pie and not become overweight. Simple: Monster Aerobics! You eat what you want, as much as you want; and then you flee in abject fear from monsters. I discuss that rigorous regimen in the documentary “Scared Skinny”.
Either way, I blushed.
Howlie Mandel prepared to pounce on me, but then he sniffed a whiff of Penelope’s perfume and barked with bliss. I wondered, deal or no deal.
“The price is wrong, Mister Barker.” Aiming my weapon at Fuzzy Wuzzy, I called out to my alluring assistant, “Run, Penelope! Run!”
Slipping on a soiled newspaper, Penelope collapsed to the red carpet. Like I said, lycanthropes aren’t known for being housebroken. Which seems odd, since most of them come from broken homes.
Salivating like a ravenous shark at a scuba diver’s convention, the Canine Catastrophe bounded across the room to Penelope.
Aimed and fired my stinky gun, but I hit an electrical panel. After an explosion of sparks, the lights went out.
Penelope cried out, “Oh, werewolf. Oh, there wolf. Oh, baby!”
Kay lit a flare and clambered upstairs.
Reminded of past problems with torch-bearing villagers, Hairy in Heat howled, “Leave me alone, Hunter, or you’ll be the Hunt-ee!” and disappeared into the night.
“Penelope? You okay?” I asked.
“Mm-Hmm,” she cooed. “I’m perrrrrfect.”
“Me, you poke and knee. But with him, you’re all ‘Oh, oh, oh! Wolf-wolf-wolf!’ What’s up with that?”
“Are you okay?” asked Kay.
“Oh, Kay.” I turned to see her face next to mine, glowing in the flare’s light. Although a consummate professional in the field of paranormal investigation, I screamed like a schoolgirl and fled.
Soothed my fraying nerves with a hearty helping of moon pies. Seemed apropos. Plus, they’re so tasty! I’m often asked how I can eat so much pie and not become overweight. Simple: Monster Aerobics! You eat what you want, as much as you want; and then you flee in abject fear from monsters. I discuss that rigorous regimen in the documentary “Scared Skinny”.
