It’s a crazy world.
And I can’t help but think
that I make it a little crazier.
Like,
why am I only attracted to women
in dire need of electro-shock therapy?
Sure,
I want sparks.
But still,
there’s got to be a better way
to make a relationship sizzle.
To be fair though:
Everyone’s a psycho
to one degree or another.
Some people are haunted by their past.
Others are haunted by anxiety over the future.
And still others are haunted by ghosts.
Strangely,
these are the sanest people of all.
And more often than not,
the ghost turns out to be Mr. Withersbee,
the museum curator,
who donned a sheet
and moaned like a wounded seal
to attract more people to the museum,
so the place wouldn’t go under.
And he would’ve gotten away with it too,
if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids
and their goofy dog
who likes to eat way too many treats.
Woody Allen:
I was in group analysis when I was younger,
‘cause I couldn’t afford private.
I was Captain of the Latent Paranoid Softball Team.
We used to play all the neurotics on Sunday morning.
Nailbiters against the bedwetters.
And if you've never seen neurotics play softball,
it’s really funny.
I used to steal second base,
and feel guilty and go back.
Author Unknown:
(From Comedy Central’s CC:Jokes at:
http://jokes.cc.com/funny-doctor-jokes/in08t4/a-crazy-person-in-the-woods)
Q: How does a crazy person
travel through the woods?
A: They take the psycho path.
Dean Burkey:
No one can say you’re lazy;
‘Cause it takes a lot of hard work
To be that crazy.
Mitch Hedberg:
I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code,
a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
Brian Regan:
I’m wearing new contact lenses.
I just had my prescription changed after six years.
You ever wait that long?
And then you’re like,
“Man! I can see!”
How can instantly improved vision
not be at the top of your to-do list?
“Eh, I’ll see ya’ tomorrow.
I got a sock drawer I gotta sort out.”
So I- I go in for the eye test;
and I don’t know about you,
but I concentrate like crazy during the eye exam.
You know?
You don’t want to get no D on that thing.
End up with these big, thick, coke-bottle glasses.
